#90. The tankini
Mar 30th by JonI’m pretty sure that somewhere in the Old Testament, perhaps in the book of Joel, God says that he does not like bikinis. I mean sure, Jesus hung out with hookers and the lowest of the low, but that was then. These days, the trinity hates bikinis. Enter the tankini. The tankini is kind of what would happen if you cut a one piece in half. It’s a tank top on top and a regular bathing suit on the bottom. It’s less Victoria’s Secret and more Land’s End. It was originally created in a church laboratory for youth group trips to the beach. OK, I don’t know that for certain. What I do know is that neither of my daughters will be wearing one. Instead they are going to be in snowsuits most of their life. Their nicknames at school will be “girls that wear so many clothes.” But that’s just me, I’m weird.
(Special thanks to Martha for the tankini idea.)
Comments
Back in my day we weren’t allowed to even wear bathing suits around members of the opposite sex. That was called “mixed bathing” (I always wondered why because there was no soap involved) and apparently it was the gateway to fornication.
Tankinis were actually created by moms who didn’t want to dress their little girls in string bikinis, but they also didn’t want to experience the hell of getting those wet one pieces off when their little one says “I have to go pee” Really I don’t know why they came about, but seems plausible, don’t you think?
Nope, they weren’t created for youth group trips to the beach. Not my youth group at least! The only holy option was a one-piece for us.
That mandate, of course, led me to rebel and walk down the beach to change into my bikini and enjoy sunbathing among the “heathen.”
As a father of a five year old girl, I wholly endorse your choice of clothing, nunneries, and the like…
Tank-what-i? All I’ve ever worn is this: http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html
Just kidding.
Wow. I have to say the slimming one is too risqué for me. Those princess seams draw too much attention to my perky bosoms.
A little late on the posting, but I fully agree with shanda. Even as an adult I dread the thought of needing to pee while stuck in a one piece. Tankini’s are so much easier and let’s be honest not all women can really get away with wearing bikinis. Which reminds me, maybe it’s because I lived in SoCal but bikini’s weren’t an issue at my church outings to the beach. I on the other hand embrace the tankini as a God send to people such as myself who hate the confinements of the one piece and the lack of coverage of a bikini. Long live whoever designed the Tankini, and those who follow in their footsteps!
“It was originally created in a church laboratory for youth group trips to the beach.”
This made me laugh violently and unexpectedly.
rediculous, christians don't believe in science
I grew up with the one piece only rule–no matter how “modest” your two piece was. Ridiculous.
Don’t even get me started on the bathing suit issue!
all these women dislike one-pieces because they didn’t figure to just pee in the pool?
My dad sent me this website and joked that maybe I could find a prom dress on the site. http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html
These are swimsuits that are supposed to “highlight the face, rather than the body.” Ha! Yeah right
I saw the site and I don't think they highlight ANYTHING!
I thought they were a joke but they actually have prices and accept credit cards. And I called the phone number – luckily no one answered, but it seems to be a legit business. I wonder if business is booming?
We left our fundamentalist church 5 years ago. Because we moved, not because we had the guts to on our own.
I let my son wear his hair longer and my daughter wear tankinis. It’s like I’m letting them rebel for me for all the years of rules, rules, rules. Sad but true
RE: Wholesome wear swimsuits – I’m pretty sure the girl on the right is Jody from Full House. Also – I can SEE THEIR KNEES! How is that modest, I ask you? =)
The tankini is my piece of swimsuit for the summer! It looks great on me, hiding all my flaws.
wayyyy better than a one-piece hides flaws!! Those are the worst.
Tankinis are also excellent for those of us who are a little too tall for the one piece to fit right and be comfortable, and who don't want to show the amount of skin a bikini shows.
Of course, with the Arizona sunshine, I never go in the pool in the middle of the day without a short sleeved swimming t-shirt made of SPF 50 fabric. Gotta protect those shoulders and upper chest and back!
The one thing I can not understand, though is the swimming coulottes and skirts! Talk about something to get tangled in when you're trying to seriously swim!
Aud-das-ity
Hey the tankini works well for females of ALL shapes sizes and ages that MIGHT JUST be different sizes on the top and bottom. I grew up in the age of NO MIXED BATHING but did not know that it was a BAD thing til well into my teenage years. Being raised by a single mother in the 70s I believe it was used as entertainment for us and the babysitters. I must say I am not a fan of having to "go potty" with a wet suit and except for my short season with a "baby doll" style suit I have always worn a one piece; leaning toward the Lands End style that actually COVERED the TOP area which I was more concerned about related to my ENDOWEMENT in that area. I was ridiculed for the "baby doll" style by my church friend whom seemed to be lying in wait to share that I had wore a "2 piece bathing suit" to my other church friends. I was stupid enough at the time to feel I must justify that it covered my middle. With having 2 girls whom I would take to the public pool, I was at first very animate about NO bikinis than entered the tankini and the bathroom and different size issues were solved. I think the NO bikini issue was a throw back to the mixed bathing issues and shame of the Baby doll suit. I once told my girls I would NEVER buy them a bikini. Once my youngest reached a certain age it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find anything BUT bikinis yet still trying to stick to my guns I was standing by the NO bikini thing; she announced that she would also want a specific t shirt to use OVER top of the suit for sun protection AND modesty…so to make a long story even longer I purchased the bikini and the shirt and know for a fact she never takes it off because she has only been swimming a few times this year and I've observed from afar without her awareness her swimming with the t shirt and the other times was with her personally so I KNOW she does what she says. I stopped stressing with every new suit purchase and relaxed that even though a bikini was on her body she was aware of the need for modesty. Sorry so long maybe a little bit of past bitterness to enlightment(no new age pun intended)PS I had a frined whom Taught her daughter how to pee without taking of her bottoms even in a bikini(becasue you know that it can be difficult even if a bikini is being worn…Y…because its wet and wet is wet no matter what…thanks for listening
Mt. Zion Baptist Church Camp. Located in Northeast Arkansas. There is a rule that t-shirts must be worn OVER swimsuits. Even at the all girls camp for 4th-6th grade girls each summer.
Re: Wholesomewear
If one is that concerned about coverage, why not just buy a women's wetsuit? I considered getting one for many years. Then again, that's a lot easier to explain at the beach…
I went to a youth camp expecting all the girls to be very modest, and all of a sudden the girls were pulling off their spaghetti straps and t-shirts.
My sister and I were the only ones that were still wearing our tshirts and boardies
Yeah, my mom made me wear a one piece with a skirt on it when I was in high school. And they didn't have the cool kind they have now, nope…the frilly kind your Grandma wear. Meanwhile all the other girls were in string bikinis. I like to refer to the tankini as The Middle Way. =)
I do love that now they have ones that the top comes up higher, and the bottom is like a chic tennis skirt – not so much from a modest side but for those of us with thighs which we might not wish to display.
I am on the fence about the modesty thing. I am not comfortable showing tons of skin at the beach and in general, and I think women should respect their bodies by not gratituously displaying their assets. BUT the whole thing I was raised with was " you should dress modestly so as not to cause men to sin" seems very misogynistic and very close to putting responsibility for men's behavior on women. One step away from "she was raped because she was asking for it – look at what she was wearing." And yet I do judge women, especially Christian women, who dress too sexily. Tough one.
Hahaha! That link up above is hilarious. I should totally get one of those for the summer. Especially cause we don't have specific dress code for the beach..so
re: so, just to be a role model.
At JR/SR high summer camp one year, we couselors were discussing the tankini, as it seems most of the girls brought them, thinking we wouldn't notice the gap in the middle of their 'one piece' suits. After much talk about the perils of our boys seeing 1 inch of belly skin, I made the comment that the 'tank' and the 'ini' must meet to be appropriate apparel. Still a standard used at Nazarene camp today!
(And, I own the gramma version. I just don't lift my arms!)
I love this one!!! So many girls are running around in tiny string bikinis thinking there's nothing wrong with it. I don't personally like one-pieces, but there are more than enough options that are more modest.
I'm in my young 20s and wear a tankini…Girls in bikinis might as well walk about in a bra and panties…pretty much same diff in looks. My tankini is super cute anywayyysss!
The cool girls just wear a wife beater over a bikini, for mock modesty. Whoa, that's a mouthfull…and against all things "Christian". Actually, I'm preety sure the tankini was invented by a mom. The sarong was also invented by a mom. Google "sarong" or ask your wife if you don't know what it is. And no, it's not related to a "thong".
It's a good idea, but I think if us ladies have to cover up it's only right and fair that boys cover up as well.
I'd suggest churches go the Burqini route but that would cause a different debate, something like, "Can a Christian wear Islamic clothes?"
and then you know eventually someone would create the Burqini with a cross or "Jesus" on the bum being sold at the local Christian bookstore
maybe we should just stick with the Tankini after all
Oh. My. Word. I've heard rumors…but I can't believe that website actually EXISTS!
Oh this is hilarious. Growing up we totally had the one piece rule in our youth group. But that site, that site, oh my lord that site. I am laughing so hard. This is so win.
[...] about how Jon Acuff’s right, God hates bikinis, now that the pool’s [...]
ok, i know this is a joke but I used to not think twice about wearing bikinis and now as a Christian, I do. I don't do the whole bodysuit thing but Jesus said lust in your mind is the same as adultery in your heart so it's my job as a woman to hold up my end of the bargin on preventing that. just food for thought. haven't been able to bring myself all the way to a tankini yet though.
Can I just say that the comments on this post enlighten me to the tough audience job you have in writing this blog?
lol. this lack of an opinion is amusing, refreshing, and quite unhelpful.
RIddle me this…
Boys on trips can run around half naked, but girls have to be completely covered. I never understood that. I always sort of felt like being a girl was shameful…