The side hug.

This is satire. This is not related to that rap video. As one hate mail pointed out, I am “gangsta as a pocket watch” and as such do not currently possess the flow to create a rap video. Here’s the post I wrote about side hugs in April 2008.

Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.

(Thanks to the handful of people that suggested side hug. I want to side hug you in thanks.)
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  1. Grutas says

    Ive Grown up in the church. and im a PK .. shout out to Katy perry! lol.. but im quite fond of a full on embrace.. while you find out alot about a man via his handshake there is alot to say about aman who throws down a great full frontal hug. and think of it this way. what if Jesus only metaphorically sidehugged us.. wed be screwd yall #jussayin.

  2. Skogz says

    dude how is a side hug holy?? please explain! and if you don’t know a scripture reference then SHUT UP!!! is this how you witness too? just tell people that it’s somewhere in the bible? let me know how effective that is. when you give me a direct reference in context then I might consider what you are saying but until quit writing this stuff cause it’s bull crap!!

  3. karyn says

    i’m a youth leader at my church and we have to side hug if any kid wants a hug. it’s just to keep us from being accused of anything shifty.

  4. Alleycat says

    Don’t blame Conservative Christians, blame lawyers! They’ve managed to turn every nursery worker into a potential child molester, at least in our warped, paranoid minds.
    And if you want to give me a hug, go right ahead. I won’t sue!

  5. says

    In our area, we call this the “sidewinder preacher hug.” I haven’t thought of this in years, but when my daughter was about 15 or 16, she was ahead of her friends in the “voluptuous” department, having a very good figure. She came home from church with hurt feelings one evening because she said that the the (male) youth worker hugged all the other girls, but not her. She wondered if she smelled bad or he just didn’t like her. I understood; I commiserated; but I remember being a little angry that my beautiful daughter was unhugged and felt unloved.

  6. John Rigler says

    I’m pretty sure that the CSH started out as a serious suggestion for people to do. When it caught on, so to speak, they realized how stupid it was and claimed it was just a parody. If they’re so worried about total body contact, what’s wrong with a handshake?

    • European says

      So after this everyone will know you ARE interested in him/her if you do a sidehug, because you take it as a way to conceal your real interest.

      “Christian culture demonizes and downplays sex for one reason: they’re absolutely obsessed with it.

      Funny thing is, they do the opposite of what they intend–make young people obsessed with sex without the knowledge of how to practice it safely, thus teen pregnancy is rampant.”

      “Like so many other, and largely misguided, actions this “side-hug” results in MORE attention, not less, being paid to the “suspect area.” By emphasizing no contact to those areas, the young will be made more aware of them.”

      That’s just how a human mind works.. try it

  7. A crhistian says

    I would like to give you a “back christian kick ass!” man… for all the people that don`t come to the church anymore thanks now they think that christians are retard!

  8. says

    I didn’t realize it was the “risk of two crotches touching”. I thought it was the risk of chest on chest touching. Well at least between male and female. Huh, good to know.

    I think we just need to stick to the A-frame hug. Frontal but only arms and shoulders touching. It’s super comfortable and not awkward at all.

  9. autumn says

    i have a christian guy friend who gets frustrated because i completely overstep the side hugs (which are the only hugs he’ll give) and bear hug attack him.

    good times

  10. anonymous says

    I never thought of a hug as an even potentially sexual or tempting action until some concerned parents reprimanded me about hugging their daughter (I’m a guy.) I still don’t understand the issue of “mental purity” of someone hugging a member of the opposite sex. Not everyone, not even all teenage boys, have those problems!

  11. Kjhkjh says

    “In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching.”
    In the front hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. If you’re a bit messed up I’m sure you could engineer it and you have obviously thought about it. Stop focussing on sex and start thinking about loving your neighbours. That was Jesus’s message. Stop perverting it freak.

    ” I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.”
    So it doesn’t exist then

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