#106. The side hug.
Apr 2nd by JonThis is satire. This is not related to that rap video. As one hate mail pointed out, I am “gangsta as a pocket watch” and as such do not currently possess the flow to create a rap video. Here’s the post I wrote about side hugs in April 2008.
Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.
Comments
I prefer the full frontal hug, or as I like to call it "The Devil's front hug of maximum crotch rubbing pleasure"
This is seriously funny! However, the people at my church are much more liberal. Well, the younger folks anyway… We give big hugs and squeezes. But I do practice the side-hug with people I'm not really familiar with, and I've seen many people do it, complete with the "blessing pats". Lol! (Jon, you're KILLING me here!) In fact, the older people give blessing pats whenever and in whichever way they hug the younger ones. I think the pats are used to clearly state to onlookers that "this is not what it looks like".
Whatever it looks like…
[...] tongue-in-cheek look at American Evangelical Christianity, examining such crucial issues as “the side hug“, “awkward opposite sex friendships” and “Chik-fil-A vs In-n-Out [...]
[...] Man hugs are pretty awesome. I’ve just been thinking about the furore surrounding the Poe’s Law breach that occured with that Christian Side Hug rap video. It turns out the video was serious – but the origin of the concept was satire. [...]
i love giving girls front hugs. IT"S THE BEST
So I guess young Christian couples are sending themselves to hell for kissing eh?
No. They just probably aren't being wise.
When it comes to church, I'm a hugger. It's what I do. Full on, no-holes-barred hugs. I walk into church and hug everyone. Men, women, children … not many escape my wrath. Although first- time visitors, especially those with that awkward, "if she hugs me, I'll never come back here" look, usually get a non-frontal pat on the shoulder with welcoming words, or perhaps a handshake to creepy looking male visitors. lol. (don't want anyone to feel excluded, y'know… that'd make me a piously elite or worse!)
Here's why it's a non-issue for me:
1. I have no hidden agenda. I know my motives are pure. It's my hello/goodbye/I'm sorry …
2. I am pretty dang sure all the [recipients of said hugs] know I don't do it for cheap thrills.
3. Most of the 'hugees' are people who I've known for many years and know the security of my 20-year marriage.
4. I do not consider myself "hot." (You laugh, but right now you're all thinking about how you cringe when your significant other gets a full-frontal hug from a hottie….)
5. God made me an emotional being with a heart for compassion. Sometimes people just need a hug… get over it.
6. Side hugs don't do the heart justice in many cases.
7. Refer to #1. OK, I didn't really have a number 7 in mind, but it is the number of completion after all, so I had to create one.
Thanks, Jon, I always enjoy your blog!!
side hugs are so awkward. it's like "i'm not comfortable enough to hug you fully".
Little boys taking a cue from the Wu-Tang Clan – trying to be as gangsta as they can.
This 'reprasents' a world of fail, if you ask me – "i'm a rough ridah" (but i cannot give you a normal hug for i fear lust will overtake me and i will have to go to confession); now there's a contradiction in terms, isn't there?
One last question remains.
Are side-hugs given from the Wes'side (yo) or the Eas'Side (yo) ?
Yes, this is coming from a nonbeliever. Taoist-Agnostic-Hedonist to be precise.
@ g.pot@tiscali.nl – say what you want to say
Peace out.
Since we're on the subject of greetings/goodbyes and the physical aspects of it…….
Hug-wise, I'll give anyone a hug. I don't care; hugs are fine with me.
But it is the handshake DEAD FISH that makes my skin crawl. My affected right hand starts shaking like Mr. Hyde has an axe to grind. Seriously. Nobody seems to know how to give a decent, strong handshake these days. *sighs*
I find this whole conversation quite odd. Life is so short. Hug often. Hug passionately. Purity is a myth.
Consenting adults can hug any old way they want. CONSENTING ADULTS. What's the bible or religion have to do with this matter at all? NOT A THING. Imagine going through life to uptight to hug your friends. Jeez – get over it!
i hate side hugs! they are far more awkward than any regular hug ever!
yaeh but the song says that you will be in a coma if you have a front hug so i dont think they are christian if they want to put people in comas
[...] Thou shalt use “The Christian Side Hug” at the END of the [...]
There was a guy in our church who was unbearably hot in the tall and muscle-y way. Girls would practically LINE UP after services to give this guy a side hug. Every once in a while we'd get a new girl in youth group who would try to front hug him, and all the other girls would get offended/jealous, but eventually New Girl would get the hint and get in line. And then he married the unbearably hot girl that the guys were all lined up to side hug, and they just had what will probably be an unbearably hot kid, so the legend can continue.
Hi, so are all these articles yours? Like you write them all? I have been going to church since I was born. I’ve been to almost evry kind you can go to, some of the strictest churches out there, but I have never heard anything this rediculous. I now am a worship leader at my local church and I am just in awe at the….strangeness if this post and where on earth you got this information. Surely not from the bible, bc I am going to need more than just a “try Psalms” thing…if you have to worry about being turned on by hugging, then there is more than just hugging you need to fix. If you have the time of day to sit around and think of random rules to make up in order to be a PURE christian, I find that very sad. I would love for you to e-mail me back and TRY to explain your side. I also am unnerved by the sheer idiocracy of some of your other posts reguarding “opposite sex friendships” and the V neck post. I think you have too much Time on your hands and are giving most Christians a bad name, and putting a bad taste in non-Christians mouths. On top of evrything else, u seem to brag about being wealthy and such in your “opposite sex friendships” post. Are you not supposed to be humble? In any case, I would like to hear back from you in order to try to understand you better. Thank You.
Jordan H.
Jordan,
Are you serious with this post? He is completely sarcastic about saying this notion is in Psalms, and is making fun of the way many people do this. I can tell you, this is a reality in many churches and it is a bit odd. The point of this post is satire, to say that there is nothing wrong with normal hugs, so why are so many people doing the side hug. I guess since you’ve somehow been fortunate enough to miss this recent phenomenon in our culture, the humor was lost on you. I found this hilarious.
Marg
Holy moly.
Do you know the definition of satire? Please look it up. Please.
"If you have the time of day to sit around and think of random rules to make up in order to be a PURE christian, I find that very sad."
The whole point of this blog is to poke fun of the silly things Christians do thinking they're being holy.
I wish I could say something else, but I'm really just amazed that you so completely missed it all so badly…. I'm kinda floored even. Like I really hope you're not serious, but I think, unfortunately, you are.
Oh my oh my, I'm a very huggy person so am guily of the side-hug-and-roll. But seriously? Its so dumb, when i hug someone, i freaking mean it (why? because i love you)! Side hugs piss me off to NO END, its like thier acting like you have herpes on the outside of your clothes. For the record….I dont =9 Christians make me smile, we're SO akward!!
hugs become even more dangerous, if making them sidehugs. the critical question is actually: who's arm's the upper one? many embarrassing moments.
[...] Thou shalt use “The Christian Side Hug” at the END of the [...]
Never dealt with this 'til I moved to Texas. Coming from Hawaii, there is always a HUGE bear hug and most of the time a kiss on the cheek. I was extremely put-off when i got the side hug–like I went in for a hug and was physically pushed to the side and then pushed away. Insane! It's gotta just be a cultural thing, but I think get wayyyy too wrapped around the axle about insignificant things.
Has the world really become so bad that a hug is considered sexual?! Front hug, side hug, who the heck cares? No one I know hates hugs or thinks there's anything sexual about them. Most people like hugs. I'd be really concerned if your mind is so in the gutter that when you hug someone from the front you automatically think of sex.
However, if you are absolutely sure that the person you want to hu may be uncomfortable, try the side-hug. We should be aware of other's consciences and try not to offend. But understand that if both have the right mind-set there's nothing wrong with a front-hug. And some people may feel offended by the side-hug because, to me, it's kind of like saying I only like you half-way.
Anyways, we should be careful not to offend; but when it comes down to it there is nothing wrong with a front-hug.
greet one another with a holy hug and a christian eskimo kiss
You're turning hugging; an age long act of showing friendship, into something dirty because two crotches may touch? You all are the most pathetic people I know of. You are turning all forms of physical contact into taboo. What's this going to tell future generations, that any form of contact with another human being is wrong, unless you're married? You all need to grow up. The side hug is just another way for the church to try and control your actions. You all mindlessly follow it, like the sheep you are. To speak from your side, use what brains God gave you, and don't follow like lambs to the slaughter…
I’m Canadian. Nobody touches me. When I went to school in Tennessee, people were more demonstrative. It used to make my skin crawl, and I actually cringed… but then I understood that people touch other people they don’t actually want to.
I feel incredibly spatially alone.