#108. Not knowing how to hold hands.
Apr 2nd by Jon
Every now and then, a minister will feel inspired to have everyone in the crowd hold hands. Which of course is awesome. But all too often, I find that Christians violate the three simple rules of hand holding. So as a service to the greater Christian population, I’m like the Billy Graham of sarcasm, I thought I would quickly review the three things you should never do when holding hands with strangers:
1. Interlink your fingers
This is way, way, way too intimate to do if you don’t know me and are not married to me. But some people do it. Instead of doing the “hey pal I know we’re holding hands which is weird but oh well” palm in palm grip, they weave their sweaty fingers between yours. As soon as someone does that to me, the 13-year old in me automatically thinks, “this person is trying to make out with me.” Don’t do this ever.
2. The “you’re great squeeze”
For some reason lots of Christians feel the need to punctuate a good hand hold with a tiny gesture. They want closure. But please, avoid the temptation to end the hand holding session with a “Jesus loves you” squeeze. It’s nowhere near as intimate as interlinking, but it still feels a little creepy coming from a man in his mid-50s that up to 30 seconds ago I had never seen in my entire life.
3. The linger
When it becomes clear that the hand holding is over, I expect you to let go of my hand like a bank robber fleeing the scene of the crime. Seriously, let’s not be the last people pressed together with our hands awkwardly connected. Think of letting go as a race. I want us to win. I want you and I to set new land speed record in letting go. Come on, we can do it. Eye of the tiger. Eye of the freaking tiger.
Those are not the only hand holding techniques or rules if you will, just mine.
What rules do you swear by when it comes to holding hands with strangers at church?
(Thanks to the handful, that was awful of me, of people that suggested this topic.)
Comments
I can deal with compulsory hand holding in a worship service. What I really don’t like is the “option” of standing during worship. The worship leader kindly asks you to stand so you must be some kind of jerk to not want to stand and sing the songs, right? I think you should do a post on standing while singing. (Please forgive me if you have done one, I am only on 108 of however many of these things you have written and I like all of them.)
I don’t like holding hands with people whom I know haven’t washed their hands coming out of the bathroom. However, I have spent plenty of time getting “down and dirty”. Translation: I have been on mission trips to Panama and Mexico and NOT exactly the cleanest areas of town. I have participated in ministry to the Church Under The Bridge, a ministry for the Homeless people of Austin servingthem breakfast, then doing a church service, then serving them a hot lunch, then cleaning up.
So. The assumption that those who are particular about germs with hand holding are CLEARLY not willing to give anything but “pitiful money” to those who need help… yeah. Not so accurate. I’d be willing to bet that there are plenty of others out there whom you have just labeled incorrectly too, whether they read this blog or not.
I hate holding hands in church or at mealtime blessings. I’m not afraid of germs, either; I just don’t want to hold someone’s hand. I have these issues:
(1) The sweaty palm (either mine or theirs).
(2) Not knowing if I am holding their hand at the right pressure. Am I squeezing too hard from pure nervousness? Am I holding so loosely that they are having to do all the work?
(3) Feeling weird if I am holding a man’s hand who is not related to me or my husband. (I know it’s not sexual, but it still weirds me out.)
(4) Trying to keep my hand completely still… I can’t do it.
So you see I cannot focus one bit on what else is going on.
I’m not a hugger either, but the handshake? I’ve got that one down. Just don’t try to hold on for too long after the shake… AAAAHHH!
Dear Jesse:
Why So Serious?
It’s satire. It makes fun of things the church does that make us and other people uncomfortable, but we do them anyway. It’s not legalism, it’s a joke.
Laugh.
Everything will be okay.
just a little side-note:
I like to call the interlocking finger hand hold “french hand holding” and the use of antibacterial like purell after hand holding “fellowship remover”.
and the raising hands while holding hands is the worst! my arms always get so tired!
ok this just makes me laugh out loud. eye of the freakin’ tiger.
Ok, But where is the mention of having to cross your arms and then grab hands – JUST so you all can be closer to each other and closer to God.
Love the blog…
Loved this one!! What is it with the hand holding?? Do pastors learn this in “pastor training” or something?? Surely they must know how people hate it! It doesn’t make anyone more holy. If anything, it makes me lose all focus on the prayer because I am so uncomfortable.
My friend and I had a conversation recently about this, but it wasn’t about hand holding in a church-setting. She said that “inter-digitizing” (or inter-linking) is much more serious than just regular hand-holding, and that’s when you know a boy really likes you, he’s totally digging you.
She was dead serious. I think she’s right.
The post and comments are great! This is how the youth group used to do it, at the church where my friend is youth minister. They touch elbows. The youth were always fidgeting and trying to get out of holding hands with “that” person. So my friend just said everybody touch elbows. Not intimate or icky — just bonded. Now it’s become THE thing. At the end of a youth meeting/group/whatever all she has to say is “Elbows”, and they circle up and touch elbows. I love it.
interlocked fingers is definitely for significant others only. if a non-intimate person does laces their fingers betwixt yours, they’re hitting on you.
Way too late, but thank you. I was sad over prayer circle on Sunday, cause I had to hold hands. I don’t want to be touched. No hand holding, no hugs. The hand shake is acceptable, as it is done from two arm lengths away. No personal space infractions there.
But you didn’t mention the “if you want to accept the lord, squeeze the person next to you’s hand.” I hate that because then I am paranoid that my hand will twitch and they will think I am giving my life to the lord. So I always automatically loosen my grip then. You should have added that.
Love the "elbows" idea!
I'm not crazy about holding hands with strangers (I got warts from holding hands with a guy in college whose palm was covered with weeping oozing warts, and that's always stayed with me — sorry for the image…)
But I had a friend who pastored a church filled with elderly people once. He did a lot of hugging, ordered a lot of hugging from the pulpit, and a lot of mandatory hand holding, too. He told me it was because he knew that for most of the old ladies (most of whom were widows), that hug or hand squeeze was the only time someone touched them all week long, and how much it mattered to some of them.
So when we're told to hold hands for the benediction, I shut up and hold the hands next to me.
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I'm not a germiphobe, I just don't like holding hands. Or shaking hands, but I can live with that. Quit thinking I'm a terrible person!
Just like there are different love languages, there are some people who love handholding in church, some indifferent, and some who hate it (as you can see from the comments here). Why should we force it on everyone??
We do this at the end of Sunday School every Sunday. A friend of mine and I have a system. we stand side by side with our wives on the ends like bookends. I can hold my wife's hand and he can hold his wife's hand. With my right hand and his left (hands that we should be holding with), each of us holds a cup of coffee….problem solved!
Now imagine all this only it's the youth group you're trying to make hold hands. The Jr. high kids usually just try to squeeze each others' hands as hard as possible until one of them lets go. Needless to say we don't have the youth group hold hands any more.
in my Christian college choir (all girls), we often hold hands during prayer and many are fans of interdigitation…. our director (a guy, directing all girls), however, once made this awkward comment…."Now, remember girls, no pre-marital interdigitation"….. (awkward silence in the room) (followed by all 70 of us bursting out laughing).
I'm in a group that used to hold hands and pray after every single meeting. Then we stopped holding hands during prayer because there was more laughing at people doing the sqeeze or interlocking then actually focusing on prayer.