#109. Baby Crack and Veggie Tales
Apr 3rd by Jon
Before I write a short love letter to Veggie Tales let me share 3 things you need to know about children’s television:
1. Baby Einstein is the equivalent of baby crack. Seriously, turn on one and your screaming kid will become comatose as colorful shapes spin and bears dance and toys shimmer across the screen to Mozart. The only issue is that if you’re ever out and about and your kid hears classical music, they’ll start jonesin’ for a fix.
2. The show Caillou will make your kid afraid of everything on the planet. This is the only cartoon character I have ever wanted to punch. He whines and cries and whimpers his way through the entire program. Avoid at all costs.
3. No one knows what the Doodlebops are but trust me, they are terrifying. Their ears are kind of tucked into a flap of skin, they are ungodly good at playing instruments and breakdancing on buses and one of them can shrink his body down into impossibly small spaces.
There, I feel worlds better. But honestly, I love Veggie Tales. It’s creative, imaginative and has enough adult humor to keep me engaged. The best song is the cheeseburger song, there can be no debate on this point, but all of their stuff is good.
My one issue is that when we went to the “Pirates the Don’t Do Anything” movie in the theater, they didn’t start the movie with their theme song. It was like going to see U2 and Bono refusing to do “One” or “Where the Streets Have No Name.” My two year old daughter leaned over to me and immediately said, “Not this veggies.” That’s toddler for, “What a poor branding decision. That theme song is an audio trigger that lets me know it’s time to enjoy some Veggie Tales programming. To leave that song out was a foolish, foolish decision on the Director’s part.”
Comments
This is the best Christian satire I’ve ever seen.
Bravo.
truth!
-shawn
If you’re looking for children’s entertainment in the secular world, Dan Zanes is the bomb. Seriously good stuff and hip enough to have me listening when my 4 year old is not around
You know good and well the best song is The Water Buffalo Song!
You are one of the most boring writers I have ever read in my entire life. Your attempts at humor are almost as pathetic as your grammar (especially in many of your other ramblings).
Personally, I think you should kill yourself.
I attempted not to use profanity in an effort to encourage you to leave this comment up, but you probably don’t have the self esteem to accept a critical analysis such as this.
Whether you delete this or leave it up, please let it be known that you are as boring as Ben Stein on lithium. Please refrain from ever wasting your time writing again.
Love,
Those with a brain.
Well, "Those with a brain" is quite debatable. With a heart — definately would not fit. Wonder if you realize that you will give an accounting for your comment some day? And it won't be to a "faceless" person on the other side of a computer screen.
Jon, you should totally take down this remark. You have no obligation to play fair with someone who would leave such a message.
Person without a brain (who posted this) — Do you really think not using profanity made what you said better? I would rather see profanity than a message that tells someone to kill himself. Shame on you! And if you don't believe in God, do you believe in kharma? One way or another, pal, a comeuppance is in your future!
I have never understood the mindset of the blog hater. Assuming that Jon actually is the most boring writer in the world, what has anyone gained if he were to never write again? What does he hurt? Just don't read.
Jon is far from a 'friend' of mine but for full disclosure's sake I have met him once and he does follow me on Twitter. That said, I have never commented before, and as a failed writer myself I wanted to throw some support Jon's way.
Telling someone to kill themselves is about as bad as it gets. Everyone has a right to like or not like what they want, but that was in poor taste. Props to Jon for making light of it and taking it all in stride.
My former creative partner (now a great writer on a new project) got ripped by an anonymous tool just last week, and I told him that he has now arrived. I offer you the same 'props' Jon. Well done. You can't be really great without attracting the hater. Keep it up, I read every post!
p.s. people that correct blog grammar are the appendix of humanity; I don't hate them, but would I really miss them if they were gone?
I wouldn't call this critical analysis, it is just a hurting person lashing out at the truth. The "TRUTH" hurts and when you hear it you can either accept it or lash out against it. This is just a short sighted person with no concept of how a civilized person should criticize someone else. If the best you can do is tell someone you have never met and have no knowledge of to go kill themselves. You are a coward and truly weak minded. How is that for some critical analysis?
TMallory, I disagree that the post should be removed. Matthew 5:11-12 states,
"Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
It is good and right for us to see that there are those who are blind to what is happening and who Jon represents and writes about. We all need to see when satan (lowercase, thank you) works through people for his own ends.
Keep up the awesome work, Jon!
I actually imagine that Ben Stein on lithium would be kind of entertaining.
Jon- Your blog is great and even if it were awful, I still wouldn't think you should kill yourself. God bless.
Hmmm….I found this blog yesterday and I think it’s great. However my comment didn’t make it and it didn’t have any profanity in it either.
I shared that my grandchildren and I had the discussion about their first Veggie Tales videos yesterday also. They agree that “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything” is one of their favorite songs. Their Mom likes “I Ain’t Got No Belly Button” and I love “The Bunny, The Bunny…”. One of your favorite videos is “Esther”.
Anon -
Sorry your comment didn’t make it. I publish almost everything as long as it’s not something that would make someone else struggle. Sorry your comment got lost in the transition.
My kids don’t like VeggieTales, which makes me feel like a failure as 1.) a mom and 2.) a Christian. Isn’t a love for VeggieTales automatic and/or required for children in Christian homes? I’m afraid my Sunday School class will find out and wonder why I’m raising heathens. I’ve tried to remedy the situation by teaching them the Hairbrush Song.
They would way rather watch Thomas the Train, Bob the Builder, or Fireman Sam (don’t get me started on Fireman Sam — there’s only ten people in Ponty Pandy and at least ONE of them manages to set fire to something every episode.)
Dude the hairbrush song is so totally better than the cheesburger song.
I, too, preach the dangers of Caillou to my children and for the same reasons you mentioned. They were given a Caillou computer game and I made sure it got “lost.” I never thought that I could ever really dislike an animated object, but I really loathe Caillou. I can’t wait until he grows up so that he no longer can be on TV.
PJ (hope the abbreviation is okay) – I really appreciate your blog. Having grown up in a Christian home your blog brings a fresh perspective to things we do without thinking about. Oh and I really appreciate your sense of humor. Why someone felt the need to criticize instead of just leaving the site I have no idea. I’m glad you take it in stride though.
WWTK (Walk with the King)
~just had to do that
Ben
I love the Veggie Tales too
And Dan Zanes is pretty cool too. His hair is especially rad.
Anon @ 11:03 cracks me up.
Why do people feel the need to tell others they’re so bad that they should stop doing something? It’s not like you have no choices, or that it’s hard to avoid sites you don’t like. I really dislike like Thomas Kincade’s art. So why would I waste my time hanging out at his site just to tell him he sucks? Who’s more pathetic — the bad writer, or the person who invests time to read and then trash something he doesn’t like, instead of just hitting the “back” button”?
BTW, I think Jon is a good writer, and his satire is entertaining.
Could not agree more about Cailou and Doodlebops.
I attempted not to use profanity in an effort to encourage you to leave this comment up, but you probably don’t have the self esteem to accept a critical analysis such as this.
Is there another definition of analysis that I’m not aware of?
This is absolutely true and utterly hilarious. I had the chance to hear Phil Vischer speak at Youth Specilaties’ NYWC in October, and if it’s possible, I think I like VeggieTales more now.
When I was in high school, a small cadre of other loser kids and I were working overtime on the yearbook, sometimes staying well into the night (I think we got out at 11:00 one night), and the only CD we had was…the Silly Songs collection. “His Cheeseburger” and “Barbara Manitee” are still highlights of my high school experience–especially “Barbara Manitee.”
Also, kudos for quite possibly the funniest Christian blog on th ‘net. (Purgatorio might give you a run for your money.)
Really great one. I showed this to my husband yesterday after he’d had a really hard day, and he and I both laughed hysterically (he even commented on the “stock photography” post).
Keep it up! Can’t wait for the book.
Dude, Jon, the best Veggie Tales song is the one that goes something like this:
His name is Arby and he’s our hero.
I like my Barbie but I’m no weirdo.
the best VT song…….cheeseburger….hands down! oh wait, they don’t have hands…..
Generally I enjoy VeggieTales–smart, funny Christian entertainment, what a concept!
But the recent “Pirates” movie, what was that about? Talking cheese doodles, rock monsters, and this drawn-out parable? Avoid at all costs.
great site!
-joshMshep.com
I recently saw a review of Pirates in our newspaper that commended Big Idea for leaving out references to the Bible with this movie, so therefore he could give it a thumbs-up. Curious.
Have you seen “Lord of the Beans”? Very creative. Also like Backyardagins….
And by the way, I am a professional writer and I am quite certain JON IS A FABULOUS WRITER. Anonymous jerk face is apparently not qualified to judge. (I too refrained from using profanity…)
BOZ might be right up your alley…you should run to your local Christian bookstore and check it out as soon as possible.
(Insert Sarcasm.)
You have to watch the Wonder Pets!
My kids were the same way at the Pirates movie! Also the same when they see Veggie Tales on Qubo (it comes on NBC on Saturday mornings here)…
Caillou…
My sweet, kind, considerate little three year old watches this show… ONCE and turns into a terror for a week… NO MOMMY! Miiiiiinnnne! I DON’T WANT TOoooooooooo!
Yea to Veggie Tales, Clifford the Big Red Dog and Bear in the Big Blue House…
Turn on Baby Einstein at a party where adults are present… a friend of mine did it once and within 30 minutes all the 25+ year olds were soon on the couch staring too… someone finally yelled “WHAT ARE WE DOING!”
Ok, it’s probably a little late, but still.. I, too, love Veggie Tales and have more than one of their cds, but I can’t stand the Cheeseburger song! Have you listened to the words? Are we really encouraging our kids to leave their “true love” for the first cheap, half-priced thing to come along? After all these professions of faithfulness and crawling through the dirt for the cheeseburger? How many women have trusted in those kind of promises and given themselves to some jerk who won’t even pay child support? Now I’m sure some might say that I’m taking this too seriously, but that is what the song says, is it not? Kids aren’t dumb; this is the message they hear.
My favorites would be the Water Buffalo song, Barbara Manitee, or the I Love My Lips song.
Song of the Cebu & Love My Lips are probably my faves.. oh, and then Larry’s High Silk Hat.. and yes, the theme song should always be at the start of everything Veggie
His name is Darby, and he’s our hero.
I like my barbie, but i’m no weirdo.
Like Dana Carvey, Robert Deniro.
His name is Darby, and he’s our hero.
That’s how it goes.
HAHA! I said the exact same thing almost word for word the first time I saw Caillou. One of our standing rules in our house is “NO WHINING!” So this show was immediately banned in our home.
I hate Caillou.
I love this blog.
I hate the writer’s mean comment.
But I loooooove the Cheeseburger song.
I just found your blog through ragamuffinsoul.
I am dying here, I could comment on so many posts.
Every post is so funny and true.
I chose this one because my husband and I discuss this stuff ALL the time.
Caillou is banned due to whining.
The doodlebops, yo gabba gabba, and lazytown are banned because they are just a little too “trippy”. I am sure the writers didn’t pass on grass and a few other things.
I have to ban Max and Ruby, because my three year old is starting to walk around pointing and using one word like Max. And she normally speaks better than most 4 year olds.
I have had to ban Paz the penguin that comes on discovery kids between shows because my daughter became very disrespectful after watching that for a week.
My daughter would love to watch “Hip Hop Harry” on discovery kids, but she tries to dance like them, and banged her self up pretty good. I just about died the first time I saw the show, it is totally a ghetto barney.
I do love veggie tales, and my daughter just started watching them.
My all time favorite is the backyardigans, they have some good moves.
Great blog! I can’t wait to tell my brother about your blog. On one of his blogs, he does a “You might be religious if…”
I will be back.
I don’t have kids yet, so it took me a few minutes to realize that Caillou is how you say the show my nephew referenced once.
That said, we all know that the best Veggie song is “I Love My Lips.” I mean, really.
achoo moo moo…..i’ve found myself singing that one more than any of the others .
Anonymous @ 11:03 “Personally, I think you should kill yourself.”
What the heck is that about?? It’s so stupid it makes me laugh….
Isn’t it funny that people like this always leave their comments as “anonymous”?
I remember the very first time I saw the Veggie Tales critters in a Christian book store. I thought, “Vegetables?! What kid is going to want to watch and play with vegetables? That’ll never last.” Shows you what I know! I love my Veggies and so do my kids, although, *sigh* they are outgrowing them slowly but surely.
I agree about that Cailou kid is irritating! Wow, who came up with that show?
Veggie Tales are awesome! We love the Belly Button song at our house
)
Did someone really tell you to kill yourself in the comments on this one? What were they thinking??
I already loved this blog but rating the cheeseburger song at the top of the list just clinched it for me.
Dude, it’s all totally true! Except the “Hairbrush” song is defiantly the best VeggieTales song.
I did a little research and it turns out that “Those with a brain” is actually the head writer on “Caillou”. I guess he couldn’t take the criticism…he, himself, was a little whiny? no?
Kudos on the blog- funny, well written and causes a good deal “self inspection” – which we all need.
Cheeseburger was good but Gate Community dethroned it.
I used to hate Caillou but then I realized my daughter picked up “Yes Daddy.” From it.
and I could extol Backyardigans all day.
As the others have said Kudos on the Caillou beat down! That just reaffirms my idea that you need to do an entry on how PBS is “the Devil” (as Bobby Bouche’ would put it). BTW my 5-year-old daughter has a Backyardigans kite. They are on their marketing game!
We have watched Veggie Tales for years, but my kids have grown away from them lately. My five year old’s (and mine) favorite tv show is The Upside Down Show!
i love your translation of your daughter’s words. hilarious.
saw the doodlebops live this past summer… terrifying.
Hi. My name is anonymous and I think you should kill yourself.
No, my name is Andre and I love this blog.
I won’t say that your grammar and punctuation are always spot on, but I am not any different. And as far as a singular entity (or at least referring to itself as a singular entity) signing a letter as a multiple entity having a singular brain… I won’t go into that.
In all honesty, though, I was not introduced to VT until I was 16 and I knew it was meant to be. Since first being introduced, I have been in love with Bob, Larry, Junior, Susan, and the rest of the gang (I could seriously name at least five more of the Veggies right now!).
I have been in love with VT for years and I am now in love with your blog and you as an author…
My fave songs are hairbrush, Cheeseburger, Cebu, Water Buffalo, I Love My Lips, and Barbara Manattee.
Oh my dear corn. I HATE Baby Einstein! EVERY kid I know who watches it is WEIRD!!! Somebody gave us a video at a baby shower, and I returned it the next day (and replaced it with Veggie Tales). Someone really needs to study the impact of Baby Einstein on children, because the ones I know who watch it are emotionally disconnected and, frankly, bizzare.
Baby Einstein is great for babies and toddlers (both my kids loved them and I could get a shower or do something without them at my feet). My now 4 year old still watches them because she watches the lady do the sign language and does it with her. At their ages 2 and 4, many of the VeggieTales videos are too advanced for them. Some parts even scare them! Like the ‘evil sporks’ on Lord of the Beans. We have most of them….my hubby bought them for himself before we even had kids. But we love everything VeggieTales here, except maybe some of the Boys ‘N the Sink songs (Easter bunny hop, ugh!)
I was warned by some friends not to watch Caillou, they called him “Cry-you” and after watching one episode I agreed!
I’m certain that the Veggie Tales empire owes its thanks to, um, every church youth group. I’m sure the Vischers thought that their vegetable characters would be somewhat popular with kids, but I don’t think they could have imagined that teenagers would LOVE it for its appropriate adult humor.
As a person in his 20s, I am out of the loop for new Veggie movies, but the ones I watched as a teenager were some great stuff.