#159. The "pray if you feel led" prayer.
Apr 17th by JonThis, can be a surprisingly tense moment. At church or in a small group, someone will say, “I’ll open us in prayer, Lisa you close us, and everyone else pray if you feel led.”
Suddenly, there’s an expectation. In less than a minute that opening prayer is going to be finished and you’ll be faced with an incredibly difficult decision. Do I pray? Do I feel led? When do I pray? When is the “Closer” going to speak up and put an end to this prayer? How do I not start praying at the same time as someone else? So many questions, each fraught with danger and intrigue. That’s why I have created the simple, “6 people you meet in a prayer circle.” It’s like that book, “5 people you meet in heaven,” but slightly more sarcastic and bound to sell slightly fewer copies. Actually it will sell none, because here it is:
6 people you meet in a prayer circle:
1. The Almost-er
This is the person sitting near you that is constantly on the verge of praying. You can hear them doing that little breath thing, that little exhale before you are about to speak. And you can hear it because it’s loud in the deafening silence of the prayer circle. Every time you are about to say a prayer you hear the Almost-er and you stop out of courtesy. And then they don’t pray. So you start again and a long exhale from the Almost-er stops you again. It’s quite a little dance.
2. The Gun Slinger
When there are only two people left that have not prayed and the Closer is mentally warming up to end the session, you may find yourself in a prayer showdown. It’s just you and another girl that looks like a heathen right now for not praying. The entire circle senses that the prayers were good but they need one more before the Closer prays. They need one more tiny prayer to kind of wrap things up. But you don’t want to pray and neither does the Gun Slinger. So you sit their in silence across from each other like cowboys in the street, waiting, letting the tension and the awkwardness build until finally someone draws their gun and blurts out, “Lord thank you for this day and everything you blessed us with!”
3. The Opener
You might think the “Closer” is the one with all the power, but don’t be misled, the opener is in control. In addition to often choosing the Closer, they set the tone for the entire prayer circle. If they go long, people after them are going to go long. If they work in cute little jokes to the opening prayer, the people after them are more likely to be casual too. More than that, they don’t need to worry about the Closer or fear someone cutting them off. They can pray and then relax. Their job is over and done in a matter of seconds.
4. The Rambler
Another name for this person is the “Jon Acuff.” This is the guy or gal that sees the chance to pray in front of people as an open microphone. A chance to not so subtly reference everything they’ve recently learned during their quiet time in one long, rambling prayer. And there’s no way to stop them, unless you are married to them. If you are, then like my wife, you can grab his hand and give him a squeeze that says, “I love you, you are good at praying but no one wants to hear about the spiritual mysteries you have uncovered recently in the book of Joel.”
5. The Cave In
Deciding not to pray in a prayer circle is like not giving to a love offering. What you don’t have any love in your heart? What you don’t feel led? You’re the only person in the room that didn’t get led? Maybe we should pray for you instead of doing this prayer circle. Expect at least one person to be the Cave In.
6. The Closer
Closing a prayer circle is like being Spiderman. It’s a gift and a responsibility. Although you get to determine when it ends, you also have to monitor the amount of quiet time that signifies everyone has gone. Because what you don’t want to happen, what the Closer fears the most is the “Encore-ist.” This is the person that goes after the Closer, boldly defying all rules of group prayer. It’s an embarrassing situation for a Closer and for a few minutes afterward it’s hard to make eye contact with them.
Bonus – 7. The Shot Blocker
This one is rare. Hearing this one in a group prayer is like seeing a unicorn. On the highway. With Gary Coleman riding it’s back in the breakdown lane. In basketball, when someone on the opposing team swats your shot with their hand, preventing you from scoring, this is called “shot blocking.” The same thing can happen in a prayer circle. It usually looks like this:
Person 1: “Lord, thank you for affirming my decision to take a new job.”
Shot blocker: “Lord please give Danielle more patience and discernment as she looks for a new job. Help her not rush into anything.”
This is the basketball equivalent of someone blocking your shot into another state. Just as you try to send up a prayer to God, they swoop in and contradict you. (Thanks LunarWorld for the idea.)
Those are the six people I find most common in prayer circles, but I bet you’ve run into some others in your day.
Comments
I love it!
I would just offer one more:
#8. The Warrior–
This is the person who prays like you wish you could pray. Their words are focused and thoughtful. You know they’re not just talking to be heard by the group. Their prayers have an express ticket straight to the throne. They obviously spend a lot of time on their knees and it shows. Evidence of their effectiveness can be heard the in the common “mm-hmms” and “yes, Lords” of other individuals. The only problem is, after they’re finished, no-one else can come up with anything even close as effective, and a long silence ensues. The Closer even has trouble following this one, and realizes the best thing they can do is just say “Amen.”
kzyou are hysterical.
Your blog is hilarious. And these comments are absolutely cracking me up! I will never pray in those “if you feel led” groups unless I am the opener or the designated closer. I prefer “let’s pray in order around the circle.”
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Beyond clever… hilarious. I laughed out loud. Hard. That’s hard to do in writing. Kudos! You nailed it!
Yeah, and what about the people that overuse the word “just” in their prayers?
“God, we pray that you would *just* be with us tonight.”
“Lord, *just* wrap your sweet, peaceful Spirit around Katie, and help her to know that you *just* love her.”
“Father, we *just* want to praise you for your faithfulness.”
All these are SO familiar! I, too, laughed aloud several times.
At the church I grew up in, the pastor’s wife liked to gossip through her prayers – you know, “Lord, please help Linda to see that having lunch with a man who is not her husband can lead people to think she is having an affair. And show Amy the way, Lord, to bring glory to you by keeping her house clean, so when visitors drop by, they won’t be offended by all the dirty laundry lying around.”
Years later, prayers were used in the ’shot blocker’ style to let me and my family know that we were being rebellious in our desire to stay true to scripture, when the leaders felt it was time to water down the gospel so non-believers would feel good about themselves. Needless to say, we aren’t there anymore.
I don’t always pray in a prayer circle, and when I do, I try to alternate my place ‘in line.’ If my husband is there, I wait until after he’s prayed to decide if I’m going to pray at all. Takes the pressure off.
I’ve been counter for many years. The chaplain of my fraternity was notorious for saying “Father God” multiple times in his prayers, which often lasted upwards of 10 minutes. The highest count I ever got with him was 213 “Father God”s. Even more impressive was the least number of times he ever said “Father God,” which was 11 times in a food blessing.
You forgot to include #9 The Needy-
This is the person that the leader feels compelled to ask everyone to lay their hands on because of a particularly strong prayer request. This is incredibly awkward for the recipient, who often times has no idea that their request is going to warrant futher action. It’s also nearly impossible to refuse being prayed over once the demand has been made by the leader.
I was once actually able to refuse being a Needy. The only way I managed that was because I didn’t have a particular prayer request, but the leader (who happened to be the mother at the house I was at, led there by false pretenses. They said a bunch of us were going to watch a movie, I entered into candles and kapos. It was a trap) felt compelled to call me out. I adamently shook my head and verbally refused until she took the hint, but that took about 2 minutes.
Great site. I’m a PK (Music Minister) as well and you’ve nailed pretty much everything churchy
Very funny…I’d like to add the tag teamers as another category. We had a couple of guys that thought alike and were good buds and during prayer meetings would sometimes alternate prayer turns back and forth expanding on their theme and increasing in volume and intensity. This could go on for 10 minutes or longer or until a brave soul would courageously jump in to break up the monopoly.
THANK YOU for writing this! Wow. I laughed so hard.
I used to be more of a Cave In than I am now. Even though it’s awkward not to be the only person who doesn’t pray, if I cave in I usually end up talking for the benefit of the others in the prayer circle instead of actually talking to God. I know this is wrong and hypocritical, but it’s something that other people can’t call you out on because they don’t always know if you’re being sincere or not.
Cave In. Yep, that’s me. I’d rather talk to God in private…when I speak in a group, I feel like I’m putting on a show. I start to sweat. I start to worry. I think about what I’m going to say, rather than what everyone else is really lifting up to God.
So I just decided that I will not stress or worry about it any longer, and I will NOT pray in a group unless I am really truly “led” to.
Okay, and have you ever seen women raise their pinkies so they won’t have to pray? What is UP with that?! I had no idea what was going on, at this restaurant luncheon, until I was the only one without a pinky in the air, and I was “forced” to pray for the group. Strange creatures, us Christians.
funniest post yet. I laughed so hard and had to show all my roommates.
I tend to be the “creative thinker”- I want to pray but I hate repeating what other people have said, so if they beat me to the punch, I have to come up with something new and exciting to pray about. Something that will make everyone else realize how spiritual I am by thinking of such a creative thing to pray for. God will be especially impressed.
what about “the gossip”? you know, the person that starts praying for someone and reveals all of that persons flaws that they need to be prayed for in front of everyone in the circle. Therefore, trying to disguise their need to gossip by throwing it in a prayer??
hey those who fall under “YOUR” catergory of “Cave In” are those who feel they do not want to pray out loud… just because they are silent does not mean they are NOT praying… doesn’t the Bible say to pray in your closet… stop judging, okay…
you might have done this post to be funny… but it is a person’s will to pray outloud or silently inside… it does not make you holier than those who want to be humble and private about their prayer life…
and plus, not EVERY Christian wants to pray out loud publicly… i know alot of other Christians who pray silently inside… it is sad you don’t, since you had to make fun of us…
Thomas -
Thanks for reading and taking the time to post a comment. I was trying to be funny which is why you’ll notice that the names of the people are things like shot blocker and gunslinger. I agree about silent prayer but disagree that I was judging. I didn’t insult anyone or criticize anyone for not praying. In fact the only shot I took was at myself when I called me the “rambler.”
Jon
Jon, this blog is so much fun. I love it. I love this post especially. There is so much truth in it.
You forgot to incorporate the “Father God” guy…the guy who says “Father God” ever three or four words.
“We thank you Father God and we know Father God that Father God you will provide for us Father God. Father God we pray for your blessings in our life Father God.”
You forgot to mention one of the responsibilities (and perhaps the most stressful one) of the Closer:
In small groups, when prayer requests are taken before the “pray if you feel led” prayer, the Closer has to keep track of all of the requests and check them off as they are prayed for by other people in the group. Any prayers that have not been prayed for by the time it is time for him/her to close, he has to cover, or else suffer the eternal damnation of forgetfulness.
oh man, i so know what you are saying!! i love how you put it into words. i have to say that’s one of the lines i dread hearing in church.
“we’re going to pray, and you may pray if you feel led.”
The one that stresses me out is the popcorn situation in which each person has decided to pray for someone else. If you end up being one of the last to pray, you’d better have kept track of who hasn’t been prayed for yet and what their requests were!
This was especially tough when I spent a year in Berlin and did my first popcorn-praying in German. I got stuck going last and although I remembered the unprayed for guy’s request, I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to say it in German. To make it better, my German prayer grammar needed some work…
I appreciate it when people – sensitively and gently – point out the oddities of prayer that we don’t think about. Like saying “just” – does God “just” do anything? – or loading your prayers with “Father Gods”. In Germany a friend actually more or less corrected my grammar after a prayer meeting – Germans don’t say “would” in prayer like we do. (”God, I pray that you would show us your will” – no. Germans either say, “God, I pray that you show us your will,” or better, “God, show us your will!”)
Definitely the best post by far and I can’t wait to share your blog with my family!
I am no doubt the cave-in, though I like to refer to myself as the “refuse to perform”.
How about the Corrections officer?
We had two or three of them show up and anytime something was said(prayed) that sounded theologically inaccurate, then the corrections officer steps up.
It sounds something like this:
Oh Lord, thank you that you have given me peace about my relationship. You are awesome.”
Corrections officer: Oh Lord, many will say,”peace, peace” when there is no peace”, help us to be careful that we are really hearing from You, and not ourselves.”
Of course then you have the EMT.
They rush in and administer first aid to the one who has been wounded by somebody’s stray bullet in the prayer meeting.
Hey, I’m sorry. This is your blog.
Blessings on you.
So, imagine a scenario:
Before the Bible study someone briefly and casually mentions their uncle Jim who, lets say, struggles with foot rash.
You sit impatiently, waiting for the Bible study to end so you can pray for that uncle Jim at the end. Not only it would show you listened to the other person talking, but you paid enough attention to think to pray for him! And doesn’t that make you a totally awesome christian?
So, you sit there, palms sweaty, waiting your turn to pray, not even listening to other people’s prayers and shout-outs. You are just one person away. Your toes are tingling from excitement – so close, oh so close.
And all of a sudden the guy/girl next to you starts off with “I just want to pray for Mary’s uncle Jim, may the Lord heal his rash..etc etc.blahblah..”
Your heart sinks, your fists clench uncontrollably, and you feel like crying and punching a wall at the same time.
They stole your prayer!!!
How dare he/she!
As you sit there in shock and disappointment, dumbstruck and prayer-less (because you haven’t thought of a backup prayer).
Awkward silence comes over the circle. People shift in their chairs, hoping you will say a prayer, or anything at this point.
You whisper “Pass”, and bury your face in palms, hoping no one noticed your prayer failure on this day.
You never speak to the prayer-thief again, but now and then you find yourself interrogating people secretly about their personal troubles. But only at the front door, or outside, so the other prayer-vultures don’t overhear and steal your thunder again.
What about the person who can’t stand any prolonged silence, but they’re not the Closer, so they can’t end the prayer time. They end up praying 3-4 times during the prayer circle just because it was silent too long for their comfort.
It’s really embarrassing when you pray during a prayer circle and you sound very good and people come up to you and complement you for it afterwards, and then you feel guilty and dishonest because you feel like they think you are more “spiritual” than you really are. Besides that sometimes people don’t talk to you afterwards because they label you as a spiritual stick-in-the-mud or Bible-basher, which isn’t the view we want to give people as Christians.
three more types: Crescendo Prayer: one who gets louder as she prays. And Emphasis Prayer: One who adds extra emphasis key words during the pray, or how about Hebrew Prayer: One who uses Hebrew during the prayer “Lord we know you are the Shamalamadingdong.”
I love that person so much. I always learn a lot from them. “I didn’t realize she new Hebrew.”
I like this type of article because this type articles influences people for spiritual and religious activities. I think prayers of god are very necessarily thing in our life.
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James
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No one mentioned this one…when the Opener says, “We’re all gonna talk to God now. I’m gonna dial, and Susie, if you could hang up? Okay, let’s pray.”
This is hilarious — what a common awkwardness. Let me be clear by saying that in no way am I knocking the importance of praying together. But, having said that, man can it be rough sometimes!
I, too, fall into the category of The Cave-In, because I, too, like the anonymous commenter before me, get all weepy and snotty when I pray for others, with mascara streaks and bloodshot eyes. Not only is this a little (ok a lot) uncomfortable in a group of can-barely-remember-their-name acquaintances, but it sucks to have to leave the prayer session and head to Applebee’s for fellowship over onion blossoms looking like Alice Cooper’s heroin addict cousin.
But there is one group member that it seems has gone AWOL from this list… The Interrupter. You get a syllable or two out there, and in pops the interrupter and hijacks your prayer. What now? Do you try again when they’re done? Do you act like it didn’t happen and you weren’t totally cut off and just shut up until The Closer has closed? Am I the only one out there who gets interrupted? (To be fair, like many Cave-Ins, my voice IS pretty quiet at these things…)
Prayer code:
- Unspoken request = masturbation
- My Aunt with cancer = I’m sad / lonely, pay attention to me
- Using King James wording = I’m having sex with my girlfriend
- Thank you for your beauty in nature = I’m depressed
Worst ever, let’s do popcorn prayer (ouch)
If you want to go crazy, count the times people say “just” (try it…)
You must have been at my prayer circle the other day, which is creepy because it was all girls.
That is just hilarious. I don’t know anyone who is consistently one of those 6 people, but they are always there! Except I am ALWAYS the Cave-In, because I feel pressured to deliver an amazing “performance” prayer. That is such a terrible motive that I choose not to do it at all, and I relish the long, awkward silence while everyone waits for me to speak up and I wait for the Closer to just get it over with already.
“So many questions, each fraught with danger and intrigue.”
That is just wonderful. X-TREME PRAYER!!!
By the way, sorry for the flood of comments today. I only recently found this blog and I’m working my way through the whole list. It’s fantastic: funny AND convicting!
And if you haven’t done a post on this already, you should write something about “online giving.” I’d tell a story about that but I’ve already written too much.
Hilarious. I don't know if anyone mentioned this, but the person who goes one or two after the opener and steals every prayer request there was so everyone left just has to repeat.
Oh man. I'm in process of reading all your old posts and most of them make me laugh pretty good but this one was just hilariously accurate…wow.
I totally know about that breath thing the almost-er does….
another version of the rambler is the person who tries to be folksy & informal in their prayer & it becomes a fiasco of rambling incoherent babbling that goes nowhere. I'm of the opinion the King of Kings should be adressed as something other than "hey dude." haha.
the rambler can also be the girl who is trying to impress the gorgeous guy counselor across the circle, and dies of happiness when someone tells her later he said "wow, that was a really nice prayer". aka ME.
this was spot on, as per usual
There's also always that person who takes it upon themselves to pray for all the things on the prayer list QUICKLY so there's nothing left for anyone else
YES! this happens all the time.. or they pray for like 10 mins in depth about all the requests leaving nothing for anyone else… so after the prayer there is the awkward silence of ppl trying to think of ANYTHING to pray for
There's also the "one upper". This is the guy that takes your prayer and adds things like "God if your will is to heal him, then do so, but if you choose to take him home…" This guy always throws that in there to show that God's wisdom is greater than ours… and so is his!