#196. The secret bathroom at church.
May 2nd by JonI once worked at an ad agency in Alabama. It was located in a small, old building in downtown Homewood. The bathroom in the building had horrible acoustics. Going in there was like walking onto a stage that loudly reflected every sound throughout the hallway and the CEO’s office which was next door. So instead of using that bathroom, my friend Billy Ivey and I started walking down the street to Dawson Baptist. We had stumbled upon that rare secret church bathroom and it was like Shangri-La.
Have you ever found one of those? They’re delightful. While the masses wait and grumble in line after church in one of the popular bathrooms, you can steal away to your own private Fortress of Solitude. It’s quiet, it’s clean and it’s the polar opposite of every other bathroom in the building. But there are a few rules you need to know about the secret church bathroom:
1. There is no secret church bathroom.
2. There is no secret church bathroom.
3. Seriously, don’t tell anyone.
These things tend to go viral so the second you tell a friend you have essentially just murdered your secret bathroom. I’m not suggesting you be selfish, but guard this secret carefully.
4. Beware the handicapped bathroom.
It’s tempting to find a handicapped bathroom that may be underused, but I promise it’s not worth making someone that is handicapped wait on you.
5. The secret bathroom is never in the kids section of your church.
Cleanliness is one of the signs of a good secret bathroom and four-year olds without any degree of aim mastery kill your hope of that.
6. Check the counseling area.
If your church has an area where they do counseling, check there first. There’s still a stigma about counseling in some churches that only broken people need it. (I’ve seen four counselors, so it’s cool with me.) So people are not prone to hang out in this area. They get in and out. They don’t want to be judged so the bathrooms are usually left pretty empty.
7. The church admin knows all.
The smartest person at a church is usually the church admin. Seriously. If you have one, ask her or him if they have heard any rumors of a fabled land where the bathroom is always clean and empty.
8. Lights off is success.
The greatest moment for a porcelain pioneer, a toilet traveler if you will, is when you walk into a dark bathroom and the automatic lights come on. I cheer outloud when that happens because it means no one has been there for a while. It’s like the lights at a surprise party have just been thrown on and it’s time to celebrate. (I need to get out more.)
I hope you don’t find this crass. I didn’t write it to shock you, but more to help you as you head off on a journey for your own bathroom version of Xanadu. Happy Friday. Happy travels.
Comments
There is no secret bathroom in our church. It is not behind the stage. I am not selfish since there is no secret bathroom behind the stage to tell anyone about.
Yes, this is great. We have renovated our building a few times, and there’s an area that used to be the pastor’s office that is now a classroom. They left the bathroom. It’s glorious. Clean, single person, with nice soap and a locking door. Blessed solitude. Not a good idea to go in there when class is meeting, though.
There’s also a great one in the guest center and one in the kitchen.
There’s a lot to be said for small bathrooms that you can lock. No worries about someone trying to start a conversation whilst you do your business.
HaHa! There is no secret bathroom at our church,but I used to work in an office building and I would often go up to the second floor, it was so quiet up there and didn’t have the traffic the 1st floor did.
Haha. I’ve found the secret security camera and the secret closet at my church but never the secret bathroom!
That’s now my new mission in life.
At my hometown church, we remodeled our basement a few years ago, and there were two brand new, pristine bathrooms built. Even still, I don’t think anyone really knew about them because you’d always see a line for the men’s room on the main floor (which is directly outside the back door to the pastor’s office, and much, much smaller.
The huge empty basement bathrooms were great for changing into a t-shirt and shorts right after the main service.
I get it!!! I never understood the whole secret bathroom thing until I started working for the church. In Britain (where I live) I think there may be a “bathroom heirarchy,” where only people employed by the church can find that blissful place of wonder which is the child free, toilet-roll equipped bathroom. Bliss! And who says a calling does not have it’s benefits?!!
My old church in France has a secret bathroom… In the kitchen (which coincidentally is a remodeled and renovated restroom). Never figured out why they left it there. It sits surrounded and hidden under a pile of junk. Hardly the pit stop nirvana. Someone must have decided it was good enough however, because he or she left us a present (this toilet has been disconnected from plumbing, ouch).
The other thing to have is the secret parking space, my family has one around the back of the church everyone else uses the car park but this is closer.
I am a student at Samford and I have been let in on a little known bathroom on Samford’s campus. I probably pass four other bathrooms on my way to this bathroom…but it is so worth it…especially after a big lunch.
I am an intern at our churh and so I have some time to explore. I am certain that I have found one of the best secret bathrooms, it is a “family bathroom” so there is only one toilet and no stalls, and the outside door just locks. I thought I was the only one using it until I mysterioulsy heard the door begin close, or I would walk by and see that the door is closed when it is normally open. I have yet to find out who is using MY bathroom…
I have known about the secret bathroom for years at my local experience center…aka my church. i stumbled across this when i was playing hide and seek at a friday night lock in….in all actuality i believe it is the “pastors bathroom”….i grew up in this church as well and years after this discovery i went wondering backstage and found out there were all these little changing rooms for the people getting baptized and at the end of this mysterious second floor behind our main stage was a lilttle itty bitty powder room….this is truly the secret bathroom of the church!
I laughed out loud, my niece and nephew thought I was crazy. Our church has four secret bathrooms. I used to dream that the one back in the pastoral area was really a secret passageway to a whole apartment with a swimming pool. Yes, I had weird, vivid dreams.
There is a secret bathroom here at the church i work at. I'm really not sure why, it's not out of the way or anything but untill recently all the stalls had lockless saloon style doors with louvers on them so there wasnt really any privacy. We recently updated them to the standard stall doors with twist locks so you feel secure. There is nothing worse then sitting with your pants 'round you ankles anticipating an unwanted intrusion. I think that is what keeps most of the traffic out of there.
North Point actually has a couple of "secret bathrooms." These came in handy a few years ago when my son was potty-training and we often couldn't wait out the long lines.
But now that he's 6 he still wants to use them just for the specialness of it. Unfortunately, while one dude carrying a security fob doesn't attract much attention, the same dude with a kindergartener does.
My secret bathroom varies. During the week it's back behind the sanctuary – no one's ever there. But on Sundays you can hear the flush in the worship center and there are more people milling around, so I head back to our preschool wing. Preschool isn't in session during the weekend so the bathrooms have already been cleaned and are unused.
Didn't this secret bathroom also have flowers on the counter or toilet tank, proper ventilation and ample air-fresheners, DIFFERENT, maybe even COLORED toilet paper and maybe one of those antechamber rooms with loungey naugahyde furniture? Or was it all a dream??
My church has one snuggled in the back of the Baptistry Changing Room. It looks like a closet. There are plenty of white towels, white walls and white tile in this bathroom. It is as white as snow. It looks like it has also been washed by the blood of the Lamb.