#196. The secret bathroom at church.
May 2nd by JonI once worked at an ad agency in Alabama. It was located in a small, old building in downtown Homewood. The bathroom in the building had horrible acoustics. Going in there was like walking onto a stage that loudly reflected every sound throughout the hallway and the CEO’s office which was next door. So instead of using that bathroom, my friend Billy Ivey and I started walking down the street to Dawson Baptist. We had stumbled upon that rare secret church bathroom and it was like Shangri-La.
Have you ever found one of those? They’re delightful. While the masses wait and grumble in line after church in one of the popular bathrooms, you can steal away to your own private Fortress of Solitude. It’s quiet, it’s clean and it’s the polar opposite of every other bathroom in the building. But there are a few rules you need to know about the secret church bathroom:
1. There is no secret church bathroom.
2. There is no secret church bathroom.
3. Seriously, don’t tell anyone.
These things tend to go viral so the second you tell a friend you have essentially just murdered your secret bathroom. I’m not suggesting you be selfish, but guard this secret carefully.
4. Beware the handicapped bathroom.
It’s tempting to find a handicapped bathroom that may be underused, but I promise it’s not worth making someone that is handicapped wait on you.
5. The secret bathroom is never in the kids section of your church.
Cleanliness is one of the signs of a good secret bathroom and four-year olds without any degree of aim mastery kill your hope of that.
6. Check the counseling area.
If your church has an area where they do counseling, check there first. There’s still a stigma about counseling in some churches that only broken people need it. (I’ve seen four counselors, so it’s cool with me.) So people are not prone to hang out in this area. They get in and out. They don’t want to be judged so the bathrooms are usually left pretty empty.
7. The church admin knows all.
The smartest person at a church is usually the church admin. Seriously. If you have one, ask her or him if they have heard any rumors of a fabled land where the bathroom is always clean and empty.
8. Lights off is success.
The greatest moment for a porcelain pioneer, a toilet traveler if you will, is when you walk into a dark bathroom and the automatic lights come on. I cheer outloud when that happens because it means no one has been there for a while. It’s like the lights at a surprise party have just been thrown on and it’s time to celebrate. (I need to get out more.)
I hope you don’t find this crass. I didn’t write it to shock you, but more to help you as you head off on a journey for your own bathroom version of Xanadu. Happy Friday. Happy travels.
Comments
Yes! Our secret bathroom was near the counseling area and I believe they used it to store VBS supplies.
I would say that most secret bathrooms are found while playing hide-n-go-seek while you were supposed to be in children’s choir or RAs on Wednesday night. Which is how this was stumbled upon.
Hah…I need to go to a bigger church.
Unfortunately it’s all too obvious exactly where all the bathrooms are where we meet. Oh well. 
And shouldn’t you have prayed for “traveling mercies” for us as well as wishing us “happy travels”?
Ditto! I loved the secret bathroom in my hometown church. I’ve not found one yet in my new church home, but need to start some serious investigating….
Hahaha, oh yeah.
I have one of these at my church back home, and I have a few on campus…no line, nice and clean.
It cracks me up just thinking about it, but it’s totally true.
Nit-pick: “ask she or he” should be “ask her or him”.
I found mine near the baptistry, in the area where people change. Dark, quiet, rarely used.
Our secret bathroom is interesting…
It is way, way, way, back in a part of the building that we don’t use anymore.
What makes it the “secret bathroom” though isn’t its location…
It’s secret (read: unused) because it has two toilets about 3 feet apart from one another, and no divider in the middle!
Did you ever see the movie Norbit? Where the two little kids are holding hands as they do their business? It is exactly like that.
Since people tend to get a little agoraphobic when eliminating (they need the stall walls), no one ever uses this restroom, and it is my personal oasis on Sunday mornings.
Seriously.
I enjoy a secret bathroom. I have found them not only at church, but the library at college was also a Mecca. 3rd floor. Research and bound periodicals. Lovely.
On the other hand, you know you’re in trouble when the automatic lights go OUT on you while you’re in there…that’s a bad sign on a couple levels.
My church “has no secret bathroom”.
secret bathrooms are often found in the bride room.
shhh, you didn’t hear that from me.
OK, I almost spewed coffee out of my nose on the bathroom Xanadu line! LOVE IT! (Oh, wait, am I using exclamation points to generously? If so, SORRY!!!)
North Point has a few of these hidden gems. You have to go about it in stealth mode because if somebody sees you heading in that direction your find is made known very quickly.
One of my earliest memories of church was when I was 5 years old: During the service, my father took me 3 stories down from the balcony, deep in the bowels of the church. It was there that he introduced me to the Secret Bathroom, one that I used exclusively until we left the church 10 years later.
Haha….our bathroom is near the baptistry, as well. Our pool is on the second floor so you have to climb stairs to get to it, but it’s totally worth it.
Our college library has 6 floors, and everyone goes to the 1st or the 6th floor bathroom. I have discovered the best floor to go to is the 5th (I hope no one who goes to my school reads this…)
Our church is in an old hotel. Most of the bathrooms have been taken out of the rooms, but there are still a lot of random bathrooms and secret bathrooms that a lot of people don’t know about. It’s especially nice b/c I’m on staff so I know where the nearest secret bathroom is located wherever I’m at in the building.
My church has one of these…I won’t tell you which church, and I’m not saying where it is…but it’s fantastic. It also has a huge mirror, for people who like to check themselves out.
I still work at a small agency. We share a circa 1927 house with a dentist and a summary benefits specialist (I do not know what that means). Our bathroom – no ’s’ on the end of that word – is very small, and I am not convinced that there’s not a hidden microphone in there.
Thank God for the Fourth Avenue Church of Christ. There’s a hidden bathroom in the back of the Fellowship Hall with clear, blue bowl water 4 days out of 5.
I am considering leaving the Presbyterian church for this one. Thanks for the long, crampy walk down memory lane, Jon.
Ours was in the choir room, behind the big baptism tub. However, the only access to the choir room was by walking through the sanctuary, so this secret bathroom was available for mid-service visits.
You crack me up. I’ll be reading your blog a lot since I’ve run across it…thank you for your authenic veiw on reality. grace & peace, deAnn
We have a semi-secret one in the basement that few people use because others might think they are going downstairs to attend the contemporary service. I need to explore the rest of the church to find the ‘real gem’.
The last church I worked at had a secret bathroom. I used it for years without knowing anyone else knew of it, until one day I walked in on someone. It was very awkward, but I also felt like I belonged to something – a secret society that knew of this hidden bathroom.
My old church had a secret bathroom…also a secret washer and dryer. And because I WAS the church admin, I knew where it all was! You are right, church admins know it all…
My current church is too small to have secret anythings BUT I have my own “secret bathroom”…because I live in the parsonage next door. Ah, the privacy of your own home!
secret bathrooms are often found in the bride room.
yes and if anyone says anything about this i will find them and harm them. My intern said he is going to follow me one day because i told him we have a secret bathroom but i do not tell anyone where it is.
as a test i left a piece of unused tp in the sink and went back two days and still there. Ow yes just me and my special place.
We meet in a movie theater. Hard to find a secret bathroom there.
Ahhh. Yes. I talked to our admin, & he shared the wealth. Not just about secret bathrooms at church (which he was able to tell me about The Cleanest one,) but also in the last 3 jobs he worked in.
The best part is when it seems like it had been prepared & cleaned, then kept vacant, waiting just for me…
Amen brother. There is a secret bathroom where I work-it’s off a larger theater on campus and my guess was created so people could rush out and find one quickly. Get this, it’s the size of a room that can fit probably 30 people and there’s one stall in the middle of the room. Dimly lit, it’s a room that never gets used other than by the occasional person that knows it exists.
Secret bathrooms are God’s gift!
yeah the baptismal room is where they’re at! but i don’t use them because it gets a little creepy back there by yourself.
I just about fell out of my chair laughing at this one…
That’s hysterical, and I’m a native Alabamian..LOL
The church of my youth had a secret bathroom. I loved it. Sometimes I’d go in it even when I didn’t have to use the bathroom. It was near the baptism pool, but few people used it outside of baptism. I miss that bathroom.
My current church’s secret bathroom is no secret. But we’re building a new building and I’m trusting God. Trusting God for a hiding place where I can search for him and find him while poopin’ and prayin’.
I will agree with a lot of people in saying that one of the best secret bathrooms is in the baptistry rooms but at my church those are ussually locked. The next few words that are going to flow from my fingers may seem absurd but I promise they are true. My secret bathroom isn’t a secret acutally it failed one of the secrect bathroom qualifications because it is a kid area of the church. My “secret” bathroom is inside of a classroom. My church is a school during the week and when the custodians clean the classrooms on Friday my bathroom gets cleaned and is left untainted for me to use on Sunday. My room is in between the two preschool rooms that are only used during the week for school but they are left unlocked all the time, it is glorious. Who cares that there is a step stool on front of the toilet and veggietales wallpaper and the soap is groovy grape flavor? I sure don’t it is my little slice of solitude.
it is the cleanest bathroom I have ever seen.
I have found two “secret bathrooms” in my church. The first oneis behind our sanctuary in the choir/orchestra area. It really isn’t all that secret, since all the choir and orchestra members use it, but it usually is only occupied right before services. All other times, that bathroom is empty.
The other one is on the second floor running track in our gym. Yes you have to use stairs to get to it, but the only people I ever see there are teenagers trying to duck out services.
Between those two bathrooms, I never have to wait in line!
So true!! We’ve just moved and joined a new church, so in addition to getting involved you’ve inspired me to start our hunt. Perhaps my husband can use his gift of discernment to sniff it out (so to speak).
That is sooo awesome! Our church has a secret bathroom. It’s downstairs near the entrance from the carpark. But hardly anyone thinks to go there during the actual service. So it’s amazing!
I work in a large church. There are secret bathrooms. Now, I really want to keep these secret.
“There’s still a stigma about counseling in some churches that only broken people need it.”
wow, what a post in and of itself. we’re all broken people…
groovy grape FLAVORED soap?! Please tell me you meant scented!
Yes groovy grape scented. You must understand that in the world of Christi “flavored” means whatever is written on the front of the package. Like markers that are cinnamon or chocolate flavored or yes soap that is groovy grape flavor. It doesn’t mean that I have ever eaten it.
I’m on the worship team and we have a secret PAIR of bathrooms backstage! Yippee! I win.
oh my gosh! I know exactly what you’re talking about. I found one that’s literally closer to the sanctuary but you have to walk down a set of stairs that usually aren’t lit. After some short spelunking, there you are, the secret bathroom! I’ve only told my closest friends about it and sometimes I feel like a jerk when someone excuses themself to the bathroom that’s farther away and crowded and I don’t say anything. Thanks for helping me justify!
Ah yes, as the worship pastor, I’m one of the few who knows about our two hidden gems behind the stage.
oh how i wish there was a secret bathroom in the village I visit in Mexico….the outhouse is decent but there tends to be quite the line.
I’ve recently found the “secret bathroom” at my church here in the states but have yet to make a point to use it..maybe tomorrow?
Thanks for the laughs!
you shouldn’t have gone there… after years of tcb’ing in the DC “water-closet” I’m seeking counseling.
seriously, everything seizes up when I’m in public. at work, at the gym, the big game, at the library. damn you ballet studio! damn you!
I happen to work at the church (Dawson) where you found the elusive “secret bathroom”. I’m assuming that you worked at “Details”. I myself work in the Rec Center at Dawson and I have my own “secret bathroom” in the church. The Rec Center’s bathrooms are overly used so I often find a solitary place on the 3rd floor of the main church building. I will now be on the lookout for secret bathroom intruder.
Oh yes, the secret bathroom. The best one is very hard for the common churchgoer to use. . because it is in the “green room” right before going onstage, most don’t even want to enter the room thinking it is WAY too close for comfort. . .SO, it remains a great secret and pristine place to pee! However. . .one thing you want to watch for: Don’t use this one right before the pastor goes to preach. He will NOT like if he is wanting to pee real quick right before preaching and you are using his secret spot with no time constraints!
My church actually has 3 separate bathrooms. I’m not trying to brag though, ’cause they’re not really all that secret. Strangely, people just don’t use them all that much & follow the herd to the main ones.
If they only knew what they were missing…
the first rule of the secret bathroom is you do not talk about the secret bathroom…
sorry, i just finished watchin fight club…and promptly threw it out so i can buy it again later…
I totally did this on the missions field. I was leading missions trip groups and usually ended up going a couple days between showers because I always had to let the group members shower before me and by the time they did, it was time to go do more ministry stuff. Then we moved to a new missions base and the staff made the decision to keep an out-of-the-way bathroom a secret. Yes, it was decietful. But I started smelling a lot better.
While this isn’t possible at my church, I’ve made it a point to locate all such bathrooms where I work…
Oh, how I resonate with your thoughts.
Ahahahahahaha. You slayed me with this one. There was totally a secret bathroom under the choir room at my church when I was a kid. Clean, quiet and relaxing. Well done.