#199. Refusing to take compliments.
May 3rd by JonA few months ago my company had an end of the year holiday party and gave out awards for performance. After the ceremony, my friend Mark said to me, “Tell me the truth, did you believe that you were going to win every one of those awards?” I told him, “Yes, yes I did.” Even the ones where the presenter would say, “This lady has a drive that is almost as fiery as her red hair” I thought he was talking about me. “Hey, in the right light maybe my hair looks kind of reddish and the lady comment could just be a joke,” I thought to myself.
I think that way because I’m a narcissistic jerk most days, but the truth is that I hate compliments. I can’t take them. The minute someone says something nice about me I discount it. I say things like, “Oh that was nothing. Anyone could have done that.” Or, like many Christians, I say something holy sounding like, “It was all God. To Him be the glory.”
Why are compliments the Christian version of kryptonite? What makes us so uncomfortable? My dad told me a story about a minister complimenting a girl after she sang a song. She blushed and rejected his words by saying, “That was not me, that was all God.” He responded by saying something like, “I said it was a good song, I didn’t think it was heavenly though. No offense, but I think God would have hit that high note.”
I completely think that pride is one of our greatest enemies and I constantly have to be on guard for it. That’s why I’ve started going back to counseling. It’s so easy to get intoxicated on compliments. And I’ve seen lots of young pastors crumble under the weight of positive feedback when their churches blow up with attendance. But from this moment forward, if I give you a compliment and you tell me, “God did that, not me,” please know that I am going to reply , “Nah, that was you. He would have done a much better job.”
(Thanks to Brian for this idea)
Comments
i’m with you on that bro. i don’t know what it is, but it’s a generational thing i believe. anyone that is twice as old me (that i know) take compliments like champs. i can even remember being young and my mother trying to teach me how to accept a compliment but i would get all giddy and shy. now i just pee myself.
Golda Meir, the Prime minister of Israel during the 70′s, once told someone “don’t be humble, you’re not that great.”
two words……thank you, then we’re done.
Great post. Seriously, good job. You are smart, capable, insightful, and rotund. And in your photo, woah: Is your shirt white and shiny or what? Props on the detergent choice. And I love your use of vowels. Good job, really. I mean it. Just. Great. You are a tool in the Master’s Hand.
G. O. O. D.
J. O. B.
not as bad is when people stir with the giant ladle they found in the church kitchen that is stained from 10,000 spaghetti dinners. After stirring they scoop up some orange drink….taste it to make sure it’s orangy enough…add more mix and stir again.
Dear Anon -
It was all sweet baby Jesus. Not me.
Jon
Last Christmas our church had our equivalent of your awards ceremony. The idea is that after you accept your award on stage you stay up there with the other recipients and when the last person in your group is honored, you all go back to sit down together. Well when my name was called I tried to graciously receive the compliments, but as soon as my pastor was finished I raced back to my seat. I didn’t even realize what I had done until I heard the sr. high pastor from the crowd holla “bye natalie.” Some people thought I did it on purpose. Others just felt sorry for me. One person said “You know, you actually brought more attention to yourself by getting down, then if you had just stayed up there” REALLY, YA THINK
Gotta love church life!
Wow. And ouch. It took a very long time, and some very pointed comments by friends before I could take a compliment of any kind. Now, I just say thank you and move on.
Wonder what it is about us that causes us to think that “good job” or “you look nice” is a bad thing?
heh-I can totally relate.
I play trombone in our youth worship band (It’s funny..we have bass, guitar, drums, and a trombone) and people are like “Go Dave!” and I have said “it’s all for God” so many times. You are so right when you say that we are so crazy about being non-prideful, we forget that it is okay once in a while to take complements
My standard response…no problem. And now I catch myself saying, no worries. Even if it almost killed me.
Has anyone tried this response:
Person: You did such a good job planning the church flower decorating!
Me: I know.
I’ve found that this response has two benefits. First, it ensures a quick end to the uncomfortable focus on me. And second, it ensures that I won’t be getting any more compliments from that person.
I felt lead to pray for someone the other day. It was a difficult situation- potential to be embarrassing actually.
I said “Alright God, if this is your Holy Spirit, you need to give me the window of opportunity and make sure it happens before I leave [the place where I was]“
Well the window of opportunity came and I did it.
After the prayer I apologised and said “Look, I believe you’re going to get healed. I prayed because I felt led, but if nothing happens it then it’s not God’s fault, it’s mine.”
“Even the ones where the presenter would say, “This lady has a drive that is almost as fiery as her red hair” I thought he was talking about me.”
Dude, you almost made me spit out my cherry 7up!
What I sometimes find myself doing is IMMEDIATELY returning a compliment to take the attention off of me. Or reflecting it on someone else. Ex.
Friend: You did a great job leading worship.
Me: Man, it was the band. Did you hear that new drummer?
I can be very self-absorbed when I don’t let Christ die in me and my flesh is really dangerous when I allow it to rise. So I try to keep it down as much as possible. I guess that includes not feeling comfortable receiving praise.
It’s all a process. This entire walk. And I think I’m getting a bit closer to reaching a healthy place with the compliments thing. If you just say thank you and blush, the conversation usually ends and then it’s over. Receive it and move forward.
After the prayer I apologised and said “Look, I believe you’re going to get healed. I prayed because I felt led, but if nothing happens it then it’s not God’s fault, it’s mine.”
So if he does get healed, was it because of you?
I used to have trouble accepting compliments also. But here is kind of how I think now. If you get complimented, accepted it graciously. God has given you the musical/artistic/green thumb talent, and you could either let it sit stagnant or use it. When someone says ‘You did a nice job singing in church today’, try rephrasing it as ‘You did a nice job using your God-given talent singing in church today.’ Corny a bit, I know….
“it is more blessed to give than to recieve.”
Someone once told me that when someone wants to give you something, wether it be lunch or a compliment and it is refused, I am refusing the giver a blessing. After that, I’ve attempted to be a receiver as well as a giver.
That one hit close to home. I get complimented at church now and then because I do some decorating and set design. I try to do it when nobody is looking, but sometimes I get caught working. When complimented, I say something like, “Oh yeah, I get one good idea each year, that was it. I can rest now.”
This one’s not just a Christian thing. Find a Chinese person, (who grew up in China, not an ABC)especially a woman, and try to give them a string of compliments. They’ll deny it profusely and/or deride themselves for as long as you keep the compliments coming.
It IS ok to just say, “Thank you” and move on…..but it has taken me 40+ years to realize that!
it’s not really a flipside, but what about the people who apologize? i can take a compliment when tossed my way, but if someone says “i just ate a toad” my 1st response is “i’m sorry” !?
what do i have to apologize for? i think my upbringing has me empathizing (sp?) but really i’m apologizing, instead of slapping the fool.
anyone else apologize when you only mean to commiserate?
Good point. You are very astute to bring this to light. I never realized how stupid it was that I do this very thing until you graciously showed me the error of my ways by humbly admitting what you have so wisely learned.
It’s so true that it’s hard to take a compliment… I always fear that if I accept it, I’ll look proud. (And I’m definitely FEELING proud already!)
But it can, in fact, be really offensive if someone doesn’t accept a compliment, and instead disagrees or flips the focus back onto the complimenter. It’s like saying, “You are a weirdo. I don’t care what you think, and you’re just plain wrong. I couldn’t possibly be great, so you must be seeing things.” I have a friend that does this to the max.
Since I met her, I’ve learnt that when complimented it’s much better to (as Darcy said) just say “Thank you,” and move on.
- CG
yes!!! i used to do this all the time. then i read in a magazine that it makes you look bad to reject compliments. from then on i say thank you so much! it makes you look smart and confident, which better reflects the kingdom than saying oh that wasnt me, that was Jesus….
I’m 37 years old, have been preaching 13 years, and still have no idea how to handle a compliment concerning one of my sermons…how sad is that?
I just blogged about this the other day. No kidding.
Seriously though, what’s with this. If we accept compliments, we’re proud. But if we don’t, we’re…proud?
I knew a lady once that when someone would give her a compliment, would say, “Oh, Praise God!” But then again she was one of the denim-jumper-wearing ladies that I grew up with.
I was just made aware of your blog last night and am now sending people to it via my blog. Brilliant!! Great writing and great awareness!! I likee.
Grate thought, but….
“Nah, that was you. He would have done a much better job.”
You are right God could do a better job. I wonder why He chose you?
notables.weebly.com
thanks for this
Our pastor has a similar, response — rather hilarious, I think.
Him: Nice job (fill in human activity here)
Them: Oh, thanks. It was all God.
Him: (pause) It wasn’t that good
I think you’re right we often try too hard to be humble and in the end aren’t, hence I always just say “thanks”, but I think perhaps there is still room for giving glory to good for the good things you do. Yes, if God had completely been singing, he would have hit the high note, but all that was good in that person’s singing came from God, just that God didn’t have something perfect to work with to start with. Otherwise we couldn’t really attribute much to God at all, because so many great and beautiful gifts from God have our flaws in them, such as our songs, people, events with God’s blessing. Just because God could do a better job by himself, doesn’t mean he didn’t choose to use us instead. Meh, just a thought. Greetings from New Zealand.
First time to your blog and I just LOVE this post! So true. So true. Well, no more! If someone pays me a compliment I will graciously say “Thank You!”
LOL, funniest post ever.
Kate, it is rude to label people by what they were.
Lynn
It’s amazing how hard it is for most folks to take a compliment. But I remind myself that it’s belittling the compliment giver when I brush it off… it’s like saying, “I don’t value your opinion.” So now I just look them in they eye and say thank you.
i’ve always had a VERY difficult time receiving compliments because i felt like the majority of them were just said to get me ‘all buttered up’ for what they really wanted to say to me/or ask me to do or i just felt like i didn’t deserve them, whether they commented me on my appearance/singing voice/whatever, but about a year ago i had a mini revelation:
i decided to think of them as coming from God through the person complimenting me because i always get compliments on my (ex:) appearance when i feel like i don’t look very good or on my performance when i feel like i hadn’t sung as well as i could have…
When I was a teen, someone told me to just say, “thanks” and move on. Then later, in church (go figure), I was told “Look how spiritual she is, she gives all the glory to God and doesn’t take compliments.”
Now you’ve confused me. tic
I still say thanks.
I'm a Christian that is learning to be a professional classical singer. I've had to learn to just say "thank you" after someone compliments a song or what have you. Most of the time the people complimenting me are Christian friends, who follow my "thank you" with "God has given you a beautiful voice", and then we talk a little bit more. False modesty does no good. Take the compliment as sincere thanks for your accomplishments, and give glory to God who gave you everything, and leave it at that. That should be good.
And I do hit those high notes.
I really do struggle with not knowing how to respond. As a musician, I frequently am complimented after I play or sing. I've finally stopped trying to come up with elaborate stuff and just say "Thank you." Sometimes I say, "Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it" or "Thank you for telling me". If they compliment my singing, I might say "Thank you – I enjoy the opportunity to sing."
I feel like there's something better out there, and it still feels awkward, but at least there's no shame in a simple, honest "Thank you."
There is nothing wrong with accepting compliments. I always found the 'pride' argument to be "wafer thin". Yes of course, like you said you can go too far that way but normally I see the opposite. For the love of pete, take a compliment people.
Don 't know why , but it is hard to receive a compliment.When I put together a new theme for our children s church program, parents are always saying.." Oh you're so creative and crafty" To which I normally reply
"Its not me, its God, I'm the Anticraft" now I guess I'll just suck it up and say "Thank You" ( even though I don't have a crafty bone in my body!)
I am like this way too. I think it is actually a symptom of pride not to take a compliment; people who are humble can take a compliment gracefully and not get worked up over it, while people who might struggle with pride will go in to nervous shock when receiving a compliment because they don’t want to admit how much they love praise. Maybe it’s a little more subtle than that, but I do think that humility is better represented in graciously accepting compliments rather than shunning them.