#226. Promise Rings (6 New SCL Versions)
May 13th by Jon
I never had a promise ring. I had nothing against them, they just never got popular in my youth group. But when people started nominating them for this site I started to think, “why stop at just a promise ring?”
I mean I know that sex is a hott topic for teens. (I used hott with two t’s for emphasis because I saw Juno over the weekend and am trying to be hip and say things like, “Oh my blog!”) Sex is a big issue, I agree, but teens and young adults struggle with other things too. So, as a sneak preview of the kind of things you’ll be able to buy if I ever open the SCL amusement park in Tennessee (I’m comin’ for you Dollywood!), here is my new list of 6 promise worthy items:
1. The Promise Grill
A grill is like a big mouth guard made out of metal. Just imagine a rubber mouth piece that football players wear. Now imagine it bedazzled with gems and gold. Rappers wear them. My idea is to make one that has heat sensitive rubies in it. When someone lies, their body temperature tends to rise. Now, if you see someone’s mouth go from blue to red, you’ll know, they’re lying and think to yourself, “thanks promise grill!”
2. The Promise Dark T-shirt for Lady Swimming
I’ve written about the tankini bathing suit before, but what about the lady that finds that to be a bit too skanktacular? Why not buy my new Dark T-shirt for Lady Swimming? It’s roughly the size of a car cover and is designed with a thick cotton weave that blocks all light and teenage eyes, even if you get it wet. Wear it at the beach or a pool party or use it as a tarp for your tent if you’re camping and it starts raining. It’s really quite versatile.
3. The Promise Ear Plugs
Sometimes kids like to listen to the hip hop with the Uncle L and booty music. (Did I just reference LL Cool J’s nickname? I am so fresh and so clean.) And I know what you’re thinking, “Jon, how can you make something like an ear plug classy and spiritual? That’s impossible!” What if I told you it wasn’t? What if I told you that with a simple coat of black paint and a cross sticker, you can block out 94% of the sounds in your life while letting the world know that your inner aural cavity belongs to Jesus? What if I told you that if you order today, I’ll throw in a second pair of “prayer plugs” for free as well as a knife that can cut a tin can and a tomato? I just blew your mind.
4. The Promise Sunglasses
Forget those big ones Kanye wears, I’m talking about outfitting our teens with those wrap around sunglasses your grandparents wear that kind of look like car windshields only bigger. They’d be great for internet browsing. Still refusing to get a filter for your computer? Just make your kid wear these when he goes online. He won’t know if he’s looking at nudity or a topographical map of Arizona.
5. The Promise Shoes
All it takes to make these 27 pound shoes is 250 soda cans. After I hand craft them into less than comfortable shoes, your kid is sure to keep from dancing. I know, I know, he might get the urge to tap his foot along with a Steven Curtis Chapman song, but good luck. It takes years of practice to even walk in these things.
6. The Promise Head Gear
Forget the promise ring, if you really want your kid to practice abstinence, get them some headgear from the orthodontist. Head gear is a wrap around device that torture experts use to cause pain and humiliation. A girl in middle school once told me, “Jon, I know they told you just to sleep in your head gear but if you wear it at school too you can get rid of it a lot faster.” She was right, I could also get rid of my friends a lot faster too.
Those are my six new products. As soon as they are available I will let you know. I am building an empire here, an empire.
Update: I should have said “purity ring” instead of “promise ring.” I meant any kind of Christian type of jewelry. Fortunately a reader gave a pretty definition of both. And someone posted a comment today that said: “Wake up from your self delusion and slumber while you can. You mock the Scripture HIMSELF!” Please expect an entire post on that in the near future.
Lonesome Crick
Where did the time go? One minute Julieanne couldn’t stand the site of Dalton McCoy. Her anger boiled and her fists clinched every time she saw him ride into the farm, but over the months, she saw a different side of him. A softer side that was tender and true. He saved her from a rattlesnake. Jumped in the pond with her when she fell in and he laughed the days away after the harvesting was over. By the time it came for him to ask for her hand, it was too late, she had already given her heart.
The end.
Comments
That is just so wrong and so true. I love it.
speaking as a former head gear wearer……it will do more for abstinence for teens than any other
“promise” item anyone can envision!
dude, the amusement park sounds promising. i can’t wait.
I will take a pair of your “Promise Shoes”.LOL!!! Your blog is so FUNNY.
Oooooh, the Promise Grill, I could be like the Christian version of Fitty Scent. Heehee.
Your blog is so enlightening. I am very excited at the prospect of incorporating the word “skanktacular” into everyday conversation! This is reason enough to get more involved with the youth group! Please note my liberal use of the exclaimation point!)
Oh they’re already wanting to build Bible Park USA close to Nashville (and in the town where I live). You could sell your rings there! Ha.
I live near Dollywood and trust me, Tennessee could seriously use an SCL amusement park.
I attended a Christian College in the Midwest for a semester. There, all the rage was a pearl promise ring. One of my roommates was laughing in the quad with a guy she had met in class. His girlfriend walked up to them, yanked him away by the arm and yelled at my roommate, ring finger in the face “We’re pearled, alright?! We’re pearled!”
I saw Juno this past weekend as well (I’m still bitter that we can’t afford to actually go to the movies anymore). I’m thinking of taking up the pipe.
1. I love this post. When my brother & I went through the True Love Waits program at our church, his reaction was “Wait, am I going to get a ring on each of my fingers saying I won’t lie, won’t steal, won’t murder anyone, won’t cuss out my friends, won’t get ridiculously drunk at a party…” etc.
2. I have now read through all of your May posts & most of your April posts instead of studying for finals. It’s really nice hearing someone else who feels similarly to me on some of these things; it’s easy to think you’re alone & crazy.
Not sure if you meant to say promise ring or purity ring. I will give the definitions of both:
Promise Ring: A “commitment” ring given by a boy to a girl he is dating to declare he might want to get married to her some day. (It’s basically the modern day version of getting “pinned”. Pinned meaning a girl getting to wear her boyfriends fraternity pin around college back in the days of our grandparents.) The only hilarious part of these rings is that it’s not really promising anything. It’s promising that they might maybe someday want to get married but not now so this ring should hold you over until they make a real decision of commitment right?
Purity Ring: A personal vow made usually by a girl only, to remain sexually pure for marriage. In Washington it seems pretty common that girls get these as presents for their 16th birthday. (This is when i received mine actually. I asked for it though, so it’s not that weird.)
Purity rings are only cool if they mean something to the girl wearing it. Otherwise they’re just a nice rock with no purpose but to look bedazzling. And I know plenty of girls who make this vow without a ring, which is also perfectly acceptable.
It can be a nice way to set yourself apart from the crowd. Girls often talk about jewelry if they think it’s pretty, so it does bring up some cool conversations here or there. (Girls notice things like rings, so they tend to ask if somebody gave it to you, or if it means anything…etc.)
I just wasn’t sure if you meant promise rings or purity rings. Because a purity ring is more of a Christian thing to do, and a promise ring is much more secular.
Love the site!
I would like to order 12 of The Promise Dark T-shirts for Lady Swimming. My plan is to adapt them to THe Promise Dark T-Shirt for Middle School Girls Dancing. Even wearing a dress to the floor with long sleeves, all good baptist males must close their eyes when the girls dance. Your shirt should do the trick. It is that or trash bags. How soon can I get delivery?
From now on, I’m going to ask people to call me Lady Swimming.
I would totally go to the SCL amusement park! You could have that guy who kicks old ladies in the face in a sideshow tent.
Okay, so I may not hate rap as much as I’ve let on. Fairly close though lol. The person that wants to be the Christian version of Fifty Cent might want to avoid London when gigging. He’s only about 25 pence here.
I haven’t heard of purity or promise rings. Perhaps we are not as pure or loyal here in the UK. I will bring it up with ‘pastor’. ha ha No, we don’t call him that. Just my tribute to a previous post. I believe that is called cross selling. Probably.
Will you have an SCL theme park in London? Once the Olympics have gone (and can we say, the ONLY reason we wanted them is because France wanted them. Oh no, can’t let France have anything…) and there is no reason to have an Olympic Village (yeah I believe they will be put to good use in the future. It really won’t just be a big Olympic money pit that cost us all our pensions) perhaps you could have a theme park there. I mean, France has Disney so why not London for SCL?
If you get things sorted before 2012 we could leaflet the Olympic games with adverts for the upcoming SCL theme park. Curious… what would the theme be?
ybrfs the things I have to go through to comment on your blog! I don’t even know what that word means? Yet your blog is asking me to verify that word! How do I know? Okay, sure, its a word. Well praise the Lord it isn’t asking the definition…
Too funny. Have you done anything yet on the Wimpy Break Up—the “It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s God. He’s telling me to stop dating you.”
this is such a delicious topic. what about the key/locket combo that dads bestow upon their daughters…
keeping the key for themselves until they give it the man that will unlock her… uh… heart.
maybe that’s gross a little bit.
this has to be one of my favorite posts…thanks!
I had a purity ring…but I would have rather had a “promise grill”…
i had a head-gear in jr. high… i wore it for one day and never again cuz i was embarrassed. now my teeth are crooked again…
anyway, you should also design a promise mitt. it’s basically like a catchers mitt so those emotionally pubescent teens won’t be tempted to hold hands
i can jus imagine someone decked out in all promise gear. they’d be so pure!
Like, Sham-Wow, man! Can I make 3 payments of $7.77? It’s gotta’ be ok, because 3 represents the trinity and God wants me to have pure headgear, right?
i hope to obtain all six….wait what kind of prize to get if i buy all of them?
i just found your site a couple days ago and can’t stop reading keep it up man. hilarious.
For the record, no soap brand fully maximized the marketing and commercial potential or “so fresh, so clean” the way they could have.
“I just blew your mind.”
This right here ^^^^ killed me! I feel like you just said everything into a mic and then just dropped it and walked off the stage.
By the time I found out what a purity ring was it was too late. : (
It was also too late for the dude wearing it, so then again ….
“I attended a Christian College in the Midwest for a semester. There, all the rage was a pearl promise ring.”
Wow, who knew that a pearl ring and a pearl necklace would represent such extremes.
A girlfriend is dating a guy for about a year, and we’re talking about the pressure he’s putting on her to take the “next step”. She asks, “If I take the promise ring off, it doesn’t really count, right?”
True story.
I weep for my generation.
Le sigh….I never got to get a promise ring.
I’d like to put in an order for 3 promise grills, please, 1 for me and 2 for my sisters
Anyone want to venture a guess as why girls are the only ones getting purity rings?
On the purity/promise debate–at home in Texas people know what I mean when I say purity ring, but in LA, they only understand “promise ring”…mostly because they once heard Jessica Simpson gab on about it. Too bad that didn’t pan out for her…
But wearing a ring (however plain) on your left ring finger IS a good deterrent to weird guys that might hit on you.
Ewww… Grills!
Hark!, you don’t even want to hear some of the stories I’ve heard people come up with to convince themselves that their particular sinful act “didn’t count.”
“Skanktacular”…. Isn’t that the name of the new Mariah Carrey CD?rtuu
I live 5 minutes from “Dolly Wood”…sniff..sniff…tear
For the record, Tiffany Evans has recorded a song entitled “Promise Ring” with Ciera. It details the wealth of emotions that flood a young girl’s heart when her teenaged boyfriend gives her a promise ring.
I’ve got to say, the first time I heard the track, I laughed so hard tears came out. If only some enterprising youth minster would make it the centerpiece of a true love waits conference
also stuff Jonas Brothers like!!! Ohhhhhh the VMA controversy
grill, sunglasses, headgear. oh my gosh this post is hilarious!!
I want more, Jon, more. I'm in love with Dalton now. Or the widow. Or his dad. Maybe Alice from "Twilight". I'm not sure. But you've stirred something deep within me, stirred the soup of my heart, the pudding of my soul. More, Jon, more.
love the pick-a-path, used to spend hours reading them… whatever happened to that genre of fiction? old school flingin it to the new school. Love it.
aaaahhhhh! All the predictability of a true Christian romance and I didn't have to waste the 37 minutes to read an actual book. Way to get to the point. =P
So great.
I think I just imagined my husband saving me from a rattlesnack and laughing the days away after the harvest was over… even though we don't even grow our own vegetables, let alone have a farm. But he does look fantastic in a cowboy hat, which is all that really matters anyway, right?