Understanding how metrosexual your worship leader is. (A handy guide)

There are really only two reasons I wanted to write this post:

1. The first post was just an appetizer.
I wrote about this subject a few months ago when 12 people were reading the site but I just barely touched on it. I didn’t do it justice and people have reminded me that there is more to be said on this pivotal subject. So this is like the Timbaland Remix.

2. No one has quantified this phenomenon
There are some things in life that are concrete and true. For instance, it is a fact that “You’re all I want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey and “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC are fantastic songs. No argument there. But when you tell someone about your church, there’s not a standard system to describe the degree of metrosexuality your worship leader possesses. Wouldn’t it be awesome to say, “You’ll love my church and the music. Our worship leader scored a 78 on the SCL Metro Test.”

Don’t answer that last question. It was rhetorical. As a service to churches around the world, here is an easy rating system by which to analyze to what degree your worship leader is a metrosexual.

1. Has a faux hawk hair style = +1

2. Has more product in his hair than your wife = +1

3. Has Rob Bell, black rimmed glasses = +1

4. They are not prescription, but just for effect = +2

5. Attends the Catalyst Conference = +3

6. Performs at the Catalyst Conference = +10

7. Owns Puma, Vans or Diesel sneakers = +2 per each pair

8. Wears jeans on stage = +1

9. Wears designer jeans on stage = +2

10. Wears Wrangler or Rustler jeans on stage = -3

11. Has a goatee = +2

12. Wears one of those Castro revolution looking hats = +2

13. Drinks coffee on stage = +1

14. Drinks some kind of coffee you did not know existed = +2

15. Brings a French Press on stage and makes his own coffee during service = +5

16. Has a handlebar mustache = -3

17. Good at Frisbee but hates getting all “sweaty” = +1

18. Has a haircut that covers one of his eyes while singing = +1

19. Owns a white belt = +2

20. Owns suspenders = -3

21. Wears a scarf with a t-shirt = +1

22. Wears a winter knit hat even in the summer = +2

23. You think he covered a My Chemical Romance song last week = +3

24. Drives an Audi or VW, silver of course = +2

25. Uses the words, “postmodern, relevant” or “emergent” nonstop = +2

26. Cringes a little when people say the “H word.” (Hymnal) = +3

27. Has ever said some form of the phrase, “That song is so 1990s” = +1

28. Owns a Grizzly Adams red and black flannel shirt = -2

29. Named his kid after a color or a number = +2

30. References Norwegian punk bands you’ve never heard of = +2

31. Wears a tie = -1

32. Wears a tie as a belt = +2

33. Looks as if he might exfoliate = +2

34. Has a man bag or European Carry All = +2

35. Brings said bag on stage with him = +2

36. Has a tattoo = +2

37. Has a visible tattoo = +4

38. Wife accompanies him on stage and plays tambourine = -4

39. Was formerly in a punk new wave band = +2

40. Knows the names of all the people on the scripted MTV show, “the Hills” = +3

41. Refuses to drink anything but Vitamin Water = +2

42. Your wife ever says, “he needs a barrette for his hair.” = +2

43. Has a nickname with “the” in it, as in “the edge,” = +2

44. Owns every Nooma video = +2

45. Has a soul patch = +3

46. Won’t play barefoot on stage until he gets a pedicure = +2

47. Refers to California as “the left coast” = +2

48. Currently subscribes to Dwell or Details magazine = +2

49. Owns a pair of lady jeans = +2

50. Twitters you from his iPhone = +2

51. His toddler dresses cooler than you = +2

52. He wears graphic t-shirts over button down, long sleeve shirts = +2

53. Ever says “we got a hot mic here” = -4

54. Shops at the Gap = 0

55. Shops at Urban Outfitters = +2

I scored one of the worship leaders at North Point and he did pretty well. At some point I will do a lady version, but for right now, I feel like a 55 item list of analyzing worship leaders is enough to earn me a new batch of “you are weird” emails, and at the end of the day, that’s all I can ask for.

What does your worship leader score?

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Comments

  1. spencer from oskaloosa says

    you forgot – plays a taylor guitar. all the hair-over-one-eye-hightop-wearing-grumbly-singing-chris-tomlin-wannabe-dressjeans-with an untucked-dressshirt-retrotshirt-quoting-socail-justice-ina-esvbiblereading- worship leaders play a taylor.

  2. Lindsay says

    He got a 39.
    I only was able to know some of these because he is my ex. Baha.
    This was fantastic.

  3. Kyla says

    Oh dear. My worship leader scores a 49, and that’s leaving out the things that I don’t know but think he probably adheres to. (: Yay for metro worship leaders! (:

  4. James says

    Hi Dave,
    Just finished reading “Quitter” on my new Kindle. The book was worth every penny and I had to check out this Blog post since I used to be a WL. I got to say, I know a ton of high scoring metros out here on the Left Coast…thanks for sharing.

  5. says

    that is stinkin’hilarious! Maybe you should send it to Mars Hill so they can tame the Mark Driscolpalooza. This could be a helpful tool. And I mean “tool” as in “a mechanism of assistance”, not in any way referring to anyone’s orientation.

Trackbacks

  1. […] I had gone to far too many music festivals where a guy with a guitar would come out on stage and play. He was talented and good looking, always smiling, reading heartfelt scriptures that impacted his life, which then led to him writing the next worship song. (Not to sound to critical of someone’s own experiences, I was moved by many of the songs and related scriptures.) My point is there was barely any variety of what they were singing about, or how they were singing. I became disengaged with the whole worship leader guy/guitar/back up band setting. I became a cynic of most any worship band out there and wanted them to stop. Their music all sounded the same. (Thanks Jon Acuff for this great tool.) […]

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