#268. Slow dancing with temptation. (The dump, throwing up and your dad.)
Jun 2nd by Jon
“Your mom wasn’t your dads first.”
That is a ridiculous sentence but I didn’t write it. It’s the headline of an advertisement for Canadian Club whiskey.
Here is what the body copy for the ad says:
“He went out. He got two numbers in the same night. He drank cocktails. But they were whisky cocktails. Made with Canadian Club. Served in a rocks glass. They tasted good. They were effortless. Damn right your dad drank it.”
I saw that ad in Rolling Stone and when you look at the ad itself maybe it isn’t that silly. Maybe it’s kind of hip and cool and you would find yourself wanting a glass of whiskey. But when you strip away all the marketing, when you remove the hype, when you cut away the words and the images and just focus on the core message, you see how stupid it is.
Honestly, is the idea of my dad sleeping around supposed to make me want whiskey? Am I supposed to think, “yay my dad is a slut, let’s get drunk!” More than anything the idea of my dad having sex makes me want to slam my head in a car door. There are four kids in our family, which means four times, end of story.
So why do advertisers think they can do this to you? Why do they think you won’t see the message behind the message? Because all too often, we don’t flee from temptation we slow dance with it.
When I first started dealing with the idea that lust had a choke hold on me, I didn’t cancel my magazine subscriptions. I still got GQ and Esquire and about a dozen other “men’s magazines” that essentially continued to be tinder for an already blazing issue in my heart. I didn’t run from temptation, I hung out with it. But now that I think about it, I wish I had reacted to temptation like my friend Carsten reacts to gross things.
In college, if he thought of something gross, he’d throw up.
Now clearly, if he smelled something gross he’d have the same reaction, but it was the puking that resulted from thinking that proved to be the most entertaining.
The funny thing is that Carsten is one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life. His brain is brilliant, but it was his weak stomach that made him famous on campus. If you were ever at a party that was boring, all you had to do was tell Carsten a story about rotten food, and within minutes the party was exciting again. It happened dozens of times but my favorite was the night we drove by the paper mill.
Usually, if you didn’t want Carsten to throw up, you could talk him down. If you berated him enough, “Oh stop, that’s not even that gross. It smells fine. Give me a break,” he would calm down. But that wasn’t going to work that night in Pensacola, Florida.
It was really my fault. My friend Stu and I used to say, “Oh that’s a puker” if we would smell something bad when Carsten wasn’t with us. It was our way of saying, “Carsten would puke if he ever smelled that.” And months before the paper mill incident, Stu and I had driven by that exact spot and said to each other out loud, “That’s a puker.” So much like Richard Marx, we should have known better. But we were young and wild and free and weren’t thinking. (That was a Bryan Adams reference, must be 80s day.)
By the time I tried to talk him down it was too late, he was already dry heaving. I yelled at him, I pleaded with him, but momentum was clearly not on my side. He grabbed an open bag of candy corn from the floorboard and put it over his mouth in hopes that it would block out the smell. (Since candy corn is so fragrant and what not.) Seconds later he screamed, “it’s getting through the corn, it’s getting through the corn!”
Within minutes we had to pull over on the side of the road so that he could empty his stomach.
I think about Carsten sometimes when I face temptation. He had a visceral, full body, completely committed response to things he thought were gross. It wasn’t soft, it wasn’t casual. It was big and loud and final. His entire life stopped momentarily while he addressed an issue with every fiber of his being. And that reaction doesn’t feel like how I respond when I’m tempted by something.
I think about Carsten sometimes when I face temptation. He had a visceral, full body, completely committed response to things he thought were gross. It wasn’t soft, it wasn’t casual. It was big and loud and final. His entire life stopped momentarily while he addressed an issue with every fiber of his being. And that reaction doesn’t feel like how I respond when I’m tempted by something.
I’ll usually hold the fire for a few minutes. I’ll usually explore just a little, or taste just a tiny. I’ll take my time. Sometimes I’ll seek it out. I’ll be the one setting up a tent in the parking lot of the paper mill all the while pretending that I’m trying to avoid temptation. More often than I’d like to admit, I react to temptation a lot like I did in the eighth grade.
There are certain chapters in my life that my friend in PR would advise I be careful about sharing. He’s smart and most times he’s right, but sometimes people blog their ideal self and not their real self. And I can’t complain about when people say they have “unspoken prayer requests” and then brush over my own junk. The truth is that I used to spend Saturdays in the eighth grade at the dump digging around in trash and looking inside tractors in hopes of finding porn.
There were even a few snowy days when I brought my sled, thinking that my parents would find it perfectly natural that I was sledding down mountains of trash. Although my approach to temptation is perhaps less obvious now that I am 32, it’s often just as stupid. I keep secrets. I create shadows. I try my best not to have a Carsten reaction to something that I know should make me sick.
I hope God will show me how to throw up more. I hope that he’ll give me a weaker stomach and a stronger heart. I hope that the next time you face temptation you’ll act like Carsten instead of going sledding at the dump.
Comments
This is a great post.
“I hope God will show me how to throw up more.”
That’s one of the most beautiful things you’ve written.
Jon-
Awesome post Jon-thanks for keeping it real to strengthen the rest of us!
All too often people are afraid to be real, even in a blog. All too often people are afraid to let the light shine in where darkness hides. I had my first real light shiner just a month (give or take) ago. After breaking up with my fiancee about 3 months ago, I made a promise to God, Myself and, by all accounts; my future husband. I was doing good on this promise until I danced with temptation. He was a “just a friend” friend or so I told myself, he came over, “we’re only going to hang out I told him (and myself)” but that didn’t happen. Suffice it to say, God showed me how to throw up and boy! did I ever!! I’m feeling much better now.
Thanks for posting this, I hope more people are real in their blogs after reading this.
Terrific stuff, man.
My dad is a veterinarian and I’ve seen stuff that will make most people throw up. My stomach is strong.
But like you, I wish that my heart could be touched more easily than my stomach, that the stuff I’ve absorbed into my life could easily be regurgitated. But unfortunately those things are there, and I hope someday they are only a faded memory.
Very unconventionally but extremely well said.
I like the word pictures you have used with respect to temptation. Once we entertain the thought, we set up camp with it or we slow dance with it. I’ve been to a dump once and I never want to go again. The next time I am tempted, I will picture myself setting up a paper tent in the middle of the dump and hopefully won’t decide to camp out there despite the stench.
Jesus said that if anything tempts you, you have to cut it off. Blind men still lust, so I won’t take His suggestion literally and pluck out my eye, but the things in our lives that cause us to be tempted (dead relationships, internet porn, cable tv, alcohol, drugs, etc) must be cut out. There are less opportunities to camp out in the dump if you get move away from it!
Great post…and anyone that can work a Richard Marx reference into a post is a stud in my book…but that “Don’t Mean Nothing”.
I need to thank you for always being so honest; you’ve mentioned before that your mother-in-law reads this. Despite what you say about being way too prideful, posts like this also show that you’re real and not some ‘high and mighty’ Christian. I think that’s why people hate Christianity so much.
Really great post. This will stick with me.
“Yes, I’m slow-dancing with temptation, but at least I’m not dirty dancing…”
Thanks for telling it like it is, bro. That doesn’t get done nearly often enough.
(The “word” I had to verify to post this was VNKBLUUK… onamotapoeic?!?)
Awesome post man! Thanks for keeping it real!
If I can close my eyes, I can still smell the paper mill!!! I don’t know if your readers understand what a real puker that is! Love your writing!
First, the line “It’s getting through the corn!” almost made me snort my coffee. And I’m laughing again just typing it.
Second, this is a FABULOUS analogy, Jon. I think sometimes we talk about sin like it’s this really wonderful thing we’re just not allowed to have.
“You see that huge chocolate cake over there? Looks good doesn’t it? But it’s not good for you, and God cares about what’s good for you. So here — have a carrot.”
But while there’s a nugget of truth there — God does want our best — it’s a fundamentally flawed analogy. Because that chocolate cake? It’s made out of horse dung. That’s how good it is. It only takes about half of one bite for you to realize it’s a puker.
Jon, I’m glad you share your not so PR-friendly past. Yesterday one of my worship pastors went on a schpill (sp) about essentially how perfect her husband has been his whole life. She didn’t mean to say it like that, but that’s how it came off. Listening to that was hard for me. My whole life, I’ve tried to be perfect, but my lies all came crashing down months ago when my wife left me. Clearly the consequences of my imperfection are very visible. While I realize that no one is perfect my worship pastor’s sharing honestly made me feel really down. I felt sad that God’s grace hadn’t kept me like it had kept our worship pastor’s husband – or at least it didn’t seem like it. I wasn’t blaming God for my sin. But honestly I felt inferior. Less holy. Plain dumb for falling for temptations that he obviously hadn’t.
But reading today that I am not the only one who didn’t cross all of his T’s and dot all of his I’s makes me feel a lot better. Knowing that God still wants to use me despite my major failings makes me realize that God’s grace did keep me. And it’s not a matter of it keeping me more or less than someone else’s. I’m just glad that it kept me as much as it did.
My prayer is that I can always remember the consequences of sewing to my flesh. I’ve been disciplined millions of times for my sins, but none were as painful as having my marriage fail so publicly. I hope I never forget what that feels like.
This past weekend I went to a Mexican restaurant with two Christian guys and we all had these frozen margarita and sangria concoctions. I was SOOO nervous about drinking in public as we all are pretty visible at our respective churches. But anyway, the drinks were good. And half the time, my flesh was reminding me of other times when I felt as good as I was feeling then if not better. The hard thing was that because I’m dealing with the pain of separation it had been a while since my flesh had felt this good. And I can not say that I didn’t like it. But through the buzz I was trying to force myself to remember the consequences of feeling buzzed or even drunk. I was thinking, “God help me remember the my wife left me part. Not the I’m drunk and this is so fun and let me go pick up some random woman part.” For I know if I can’t remember the consequences, I’m bound to repeat the sin.
This slow dancing with temptation (casual drinking masked as a cultural experience) has to stop.
What a totally strong new way to look at temptation, and avoiding it. This was great – very vivid and accurate. Thanks for not listening to your PR friend on this. No more church faces!
ah jon… still keeping it real after all these posts….. good economy of content, too….
you are great at this. excellent. reppin’ God in a big and mighty way…
where’s the desk calendar?
Great post.
Wow…did I need to read this post today. I’ve been slow dancing with temptation for a while now and it has started to affect my everyday outlook on things. The guilt of knowing its time to clear the dance floor for good, and just not making the committment to do it. I’m posting as anonymous, but before God today, it’s time for the music to stop, the lights to go out, and the dancehall to close.
For everyone reading, please hold your struggling brothers and sisters up in prayer….
Wow! It must be “claim it to name it” Monday. I came clean on my blog today, and so did another friend and blogger.
I’m ashamed to say that I have sledded down many garbage heaps in my lifetime. Even though I’ve ask for and been given forgiveness for my treachery, I still physically cringe when I think back to some of the things I’ve done. Do you suppose that means that I’ve only laid a portion of it at the foot of the cross?
Amazing post, Jon. Thank you.
My slow dancing used to be so sly and so skillful that I could have at the very least made it to the finals on So You Think You Can Dance. But even if I would have “won,” I really would have lost.
Someone once said that the most profound truth is wrapped in simplicity. You’ve hit the nail on the head with this post.
I am from Pensacola and had to laugh at the reference. Great…thanks for bringing light to my beautiful city.
It does smell pretty bad…the factory, not the city.
Great point.
Wow Jon what a great post. Really great.. I see allot of myself in this post. Thank You Thank You Thank You. Why is it such a struggle for us to be real at times. I know this is something I am working on in my life.
I am really blown away by this post. Thanks Carsten for being a puker.
Brilliant Jon. It is posts like this that keep me reading here. The other stuff is funny but the raw realness of this post, well, that’s what I’m talkin bout baby.
I laughed out loud when I read “It’s getting through the corn! It’s getting through the corn!” Too funny.
Seriously though, it’s a good post. We all need to learn to “throw up” more. It’s so easy to become used to things and not even notice anymore. I think it’s great that you can be brave enough to be real in your blog. I just recently told my church and friends about my blog and now I’m constantly stuggling about what to write. I worry about what someone might think, but then, it’s my blog and they don’t have to read.
Oh, and my sister lives in Alpharetta. Just a funny coincidence.
I used to sell the paper made at that paper mill LOL and it’s not even close to being the stinkiest one our company owns.
I too wish I had thrown up more and partied less.
ITS GETTING THROUGH THE CORN! ITS GETTING THROUGH THE CORN!
halarious.
Funny, yet convicting. I love that cocktail of delicious God-infused sarcasm that you keep serving. Keep it up.
Amen brother, amen. Thanks for helping me turn off the music and exit the dance floor. You hit it right on the head.
Great post. Been there, done that.
Hey, for the chicks out there… if you like “Romance Novels” like I did, watch out. Eventually, you end up upping the tempo, and the slow dance becomes a boogie with porn. Yep, even women are vulnerable to the big P.
Praise God, there is no sin greater than His grace.
It’s something I have to bring to God, on an ongoing basis. If I step away from the hem of his garment, I find I’m sitting in the muddy gutter, lame and blind once again.
Great post Jon, thankyou for your honesty.
Your last sentence sounded just like what rob bell would . . . say.
I think guys enjoy vomit stories. No matter our age, we like puking, body noises, explosions, and wiggly animals.
I had a roommate in college that could do anything that was gross, unless it involved boogers, which made it hilarious. Seriously, he could do really nasty things and subject others to them, but the mere thought of a booger would make him slow down and take deep breaths like he was fighting the rising bile. I looked over in the dorm shower one day and he was leaning against the wall breathing hard. He said, “Remember last week when I reached over and brushed that grass off Rick’s face at the track? I think it was a booger.”
As for this post:
I laughed so hard I cried on this one. Literally. And at the end I really cried a litle bit. Seriously. I feel the same pain — why is my reaction to vile things not as visceral? I should hurl on a daily basis.
I have only recently read all of the posts here, starting with #1, and I think this is by far the best one. Or at least the most pertinent to me.
Thanks, Jon.
i made the mistake of taking a drink right when i got to the part:
“its getting through the corn!”
my monitor will never be the same.
thanks for being a light.
your last sentence is the grabber—WOW! Your writing is REAL and GENUINE! Thanks for giving us a fresh take on analogies (with vivid visuals!) in a day & age when so many people are numbed by the “cutting and pasting” of other people’s advice and knowledge.
~Lisa~
I really needed this….thanks
Good stuff. I appreciate your honesty and candor. How is it that you can make me laugh and feel convicted all at the same time?
Thanks for this post! I sent it on to a bunch of friends. Lord, please give me a Carsten stomach when it comes to temptation!
PS – what’s with the 4:30 AM posting? Do you sleep?
“i hope that GOD will give me a weaker stomach and a stronger heart.”
WHOA does our society switch this up…making us crave and HAVE stronger stomachs (for MORE food) and weaker hearts (for more lovers/sex)
thank you for writing this.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
First of all, that ad reminded me of one of the worst ideas a youth leader friend of mine ever had:
During a session on purity, he asked the adult volunteers to stand if they waited until they were married.
Um…nobody did.
OK, maybe a few did, but most of them didn’t. Which is honest, and you have to commend them for that, but seriously, what a train wreck. So, don’t do that, all you youth leaders out there.
Second, this is a great post, Jon.
I have struggled with lust for most of my life and have found some powerful healing through the Celebrate Recovery program.
Thank you, Jesus.
Even so, after 4+ years in recovery, I still struggle with not FLEEING from temptation (specifically sexual temptation), as 1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to. God says, don’t even mess around with trying to white knuckle it, you don’t have it in you to beat this. Don’t try to be brave and strong in those situations. Instead, RUN to God. Pursue Him, seek shelter in Him.
I’m trying to be a better coward in my battle against sexual sin.
Jon,
“It’s getting through the corn.” must somehow find it’s way into the SCL Dictionary. Pure, unadulturated, comedy.
-John Hall
Fresno, CA
maybe canadians need to be marketed to a litle differently.
but I agree with you!
It’s amazing that you’d admit to “going to the dump for porn”. For what it’s worth, around the same age this anonymous writer used to go to the library to look over all of the material that wasn’t exactly porn but surely wasn’t innocent: fashion magazines, books on photography, the same “romance” novels mentioned in other comments…
this is a great post. and the one that has made me stop and think the most. this may be my favorite.
thank you for writing one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever read
I realize this was written, like, a million years ago…I'm a little slow.. but loved it.
Thanks.
This was a profound and insightful post.
Loved it. Powerful. Spot on.
Thanks Jon.