My steering wheel once turned into an old lady.
I was in college driving back home to Massachusetts and suddenly, after spending too many hours on the road with too little sleep it happened. As I nodded off and drifted on the highway briefly, I found an old lady where a Mazda 323 steering wheel had once been. I snapped back into attention, steered back onto the road and looked around to make sure no one had seen me swerve.
I shouldn’t have driven that far without stopping but I liked to surprise my parents when I would come home from Alabama and so that often meant getting up insanely early to beat traffic. I held imaginary races against “lazy Jon” who likes to sleep in and start road trips late in the morning. That way when it was noon and I still had 10 hours to go, I could say to myself, “Well at least I left at three in the morning instead of eight in the morning. I’m five hours ahead of lazy Jon.”
That’s a silly thing to do, but when I was in college we had to do those kinds of things because we didn’t have the cornucopia of energy drinks that is now available. Your choices were diet Mountain Dew, which for some reason I thought had more “dew” than regular, or Jolt. Now though there’s Red Bull and Diet Rockstar and Vault and Monster and Liquid Face Punch. That last one might not be out yet, but there are a million options and recently I learned there’s even a Christian energy drink.
It’s called “1in3 Trinity energy drink” and its tagline is that it’s “fused with fruit of the Spirit.” I don’t know if the people that make it are simply answering a very specific call God gave them. It’s completely possible that they’re acting out of obedience in creating this drink. I never want to think I’m smart enough or holy enough or anything enough to determine what God can or can’t use to reach people for His kingdom. But I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t flooded with questions the moment someone told me this product existed:
1. Would Jesus drink an energy drink? I mean, let’s say he’s at a half pipe party with disciples and all the energy drink runs out, does he turn water into energy drink at that point?
2. If Jesus would drink an energy drink, which story in the Bible would that drink make extra Xtreme? Maybe during the temple clearing scene he swings through the window and instead of a whip, uses his fist of fury to chase out the money changers. Or maybe instead of just walking on water he actually barefoot surfs over to Peter a la Laird Hamilton style.
3. If not Jesus, who in the Bible could have used some energy drink? I think the ark would have been completed in about 4 weeks if Noah had an IV of energy drink. Or maybe Samson could have tucked a can into his sandal straps and regardless of his haircut could have called down the thunder by just popping the top.
4. Red bull and vodka is a popular drink. If you made a mixed drink with the Trinity energy drink, how many times would you get struck by lightning? I think 7, because that’s a pretty holy number.
5. Is it ironic that one of the fruits of the spirit the energy drink is fused with is “peace?” Have you ever felt peaceful after drinking an energy drink?
6. Would it be weird to have a marketing campaign that said, “Fused with the fruit of the spirit, except peace, self control and patience, because let’s be honest, getting amped on energy drink is not going to increase either of those characteristics in you?”
7. If I made a Stuff Christians Like energy drink and infused it with “sarcasm and scripture” and when you opened the can, a little audio clip said, “side hugggg,” and it was Skittles flavor, would you buy it?
Probably not. I don’t see the SCL energy drink flying off shelves. And if I tried to throw it out into crowds when I spoke, someone would get knocked out. Then I’d get sued and lose my house and my family and end up in the gutter somewhere clutching a can and muttering, “I could have been a contender. I could have had an energy drink empire.” And nobody wants that.
But those are my questions about the Christian energy drink. What are yours?