In a few weeks, they’re moving my department at work and everyone is talking about what type of cubicles we’ll get. Will they have high walls or short walls? Will there be cabinets or drawers or neither? Will we be in a high foot traffic area or tucked away off a back alley where it’s quiet? Will we be close enough to the break room to smell microwave popcorn or far enough away that whoever heats up seafood in the toaster oven can’t cover us in a blanket of funk? This is a time of great questions in cubicle land, but the only one I have is:
How Christian will my cubicle be?
It’s a fair question. Some people use their cubicles as tiny little sanctuaries, bedazzling every flat surface with Jesus memorabilia. Other people use their cubicles as conversation starters with coworkers, “Oh what this? That’s just an old Bible I keep around. Speaking of the Bible, would you like to accept Jesus into your heart before we go to the next staff meeting?” But how do you know if it’s enough? How can you be certain your cubicle is holy? If only there were a score sheet, if only there were an easy way to tally all your cubicle Christianity points up quickly. If only there were a …
Christian Cubicle Point System:
1. You removed one of your three cubicle walls and replaced it with a Thomas Kinkade painting. = +5 points
2. You have a souvenir from your mission trip in your cubicle. = +2 points
3. It was a “fun mission trip” e.g., you were witnessing to people on the beach in Hawaii or skiers at Aspen. = 0 points
4. Your mouse is shaped like a Jesus fish. = +1 point
5. You have a local Christian radio station playing at all times. = +1 point
6. You have a loop of sermon podcasts playing at all times. = +2 points
7. You have that Carman song with the devil cameo playing at all times. = +3 points
8. You have Joshua 24:15 hung up and crossed out “As for me and my house” and instead wrote, “As for me and my cubicle.” = +1 point
9. It’s cross stitched = +2 points
10. You got rid of your office chair and instead sit in a tiny section of pew you got from a church they were tearing down. = +3 points
11. You removed the number 6 from your keyboard to prevent ever accidentally slipping and typing 666. = + 1 point
12. You have a Bible in your cubicle in plain sight. = +1 point
13. It’s the King James Version = +2 points
14. It’s displayed open on a stand carved from a piece of driftwood you found on the beach during a retreat = +3 points
15. You have a choir “cubicle robe” that you change into when you get back to your desk similar to how Mr. Rogers used to put on a different sweater when he got home. = +4 points
16. One of your drawers is filled with holy water just in case someone wants to get baptized by dunking their head in the drawer above the file folders. = + 5 points
17. You have a sticker that reads. “In case of rapture, this cubicle will be unmanned.” = +1 point
18. During the Christmas cubicle decoration contest you always set up a nativity scene in your cubicle. = +1 point
19. It’s a “live scene” so during the three weeks before Christmas you dress like one of the wise men. = +2 points
20. It includes live animals. = +3 points
21. You nicknamed your cubicle something cool like most youth group rooms, e.g. “da’ zone,” or “xTreme.” = + 2 points
22. In the corner of your whiteboard you have the numbers 4:13 written to subtly remind yourself of Philippians 4:13. = +1 point
23. You wrote out the whole verse on your whiteboard = +2 points
24. Whenever someone comes in your cubicle, you do push ups while reciting, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” = +3 points
25. When people come to gossip, you join in, but always say, “Bless her heart” or “I mean that in Christian love” after you do. = +1 point
26. Coworkers know to come to your cubicle for advice, encouragement and communion wafers because you’ve got a whole bag of em’ in the bottom drawer. =+1 point
27. You have a little computer monitor mirror that helps you see behind you and on it in whiteout you wrote, “I see you and so does Jesus.” = +1 point
28. You have that poster of the cat hanging from a rope with the caption, “Hang in there” to encourage the people around you. = +2 points
29. You crossed out “hang in there” because you thought it was too wishy washy and that cat was kind of a heathen. Instead you scribbled “hang onto Jesus.” = +4 points
30. You have a decomposing palm branch from Palm Sunday in your cubicle. = +2 points for each branch.
31. You’ll only hang up your kid’s artwork in your cubicle if it’s something they colored at Sunday school. Clifford and Sesame Street aren’t making the cut. = +1 point
32. You’re not above taking a love offering if more than two people are gathered in your cubicle at the same time. = +1 point
33. You take great offense at the parade of Christian stereotypes presented in this list and printed out the post as a reminder to pray for me = +2 points
How did you score? My current cubicle ranked a sweaty Philistinish 3 points. I’m ashamed of it and me, but mostly it.
If you scored over a 40, you’re working in what I call a “Tempicle.” (Yeah, that’s right, I just mixed the word temple and cubicle.) Under 10 and you’re begging for an ergonomic lightning bolt from heaven.
So what did you score? Are you in the equivalent of a work Vatican? How holy is your cubicle? And are there any categories I missed?