Kinky Lingerie for Missionaries or Remix #303 – Donating Junk to the Church
Dec 18th by JonWhen my wife and I drink tea at home, we don’t save the tea bags to donate to missionaries. I know, we’re selfish like that. Donating junk is apparently not our love language, but wow, some people have received that spiritual gift.
After I wrote “#303 – Donating Junk to the Church” last June, people came out in droves to tell stories about the nonsense that had been given to their churches. Since this is the holiday season and a time of year that donations sky rocket, I thought it might be fun to revisit that post.
Here, from the comments readers left on the original post, are real items that have been donated to churches and my attempt to put myself in the shoes of the person that donated them:
1. What was donated to the church:
Expired food – A 10 year old can of SpaghettiOs
Why I gave it:
“First of all, don’t be hatin’ on Chef Boyardee. He’s a chef after all, an artisan from the old country. Show a little respect. Everyone knows that SpaghettiOs are like a fine wine, they don’t get old, they mature. That vintage can I donated today is from the 1998 collection that Chef Boyardee crafted. Note that the sauce has turned a smoky gray color and has the texture of soggy play doh. Take a taste. You should be able to pick up a light bouquet of feet and tomato sauce with a slight undertone of scurvy.”
2. What was donated to the church:
A box of VHS Home Movies
Why I gave it:
“I agree, that no one likes watching home movies, not even the people that are in them, but missionaries are different. Maybe you can send those overseas as an encouragement to someone that was called to a difficult country. There’s this one scene in our 1984 family BBQ on tape 14, where a bunch of hot dogs fall off the grill. It’s pretty funny. I thought about sending it directly into America’s Funniest Home videos, but everyone knows that unless you have a clip of someone getting hit in the groin you’re not going to win that show. I hate you Bob Saget.”
3. What was donated to the church:
Snowsuits for the orphanage in Mexico
Why I gave it:
“What’s that you say? It’s extremely hot where you are in Mexico? All year round? Your orphanage is not located in the Alaskan part of Mexico? Well those are vacation snowsuits in case your next orphanage retreat is held at a ski resort. What did you just say? You’re not taking those kids on vacations? What kind of shoddy orphanage are you running? I’m tempted to give you back this receipt I got for the donation, but I need it for tax purposes and this is my tithe replacement.”
4. What was donated to the church:
A dog harness
Why I gave it:
“Three words, ‘hounds of hell.’ That’s all I’m saying.”
5. What was donated to the church:
Kinky lingerie
Why I gave it:
“I’m not even going to touch this one. No seriously, I don’t want to touch it, which is why I put it in this large, thick, black bag. Please don’t ask me any questions about how I came into the possession of such an exuberant collection of ‘fancy lady panties’ or why I think this would be a good item for the youth group yard sale or missionaries. I’d like to drop this off at night if that’s OK with you. God bless.”
6. What was donated to the church:
A single shoe.
Why I gave it:
“You’re so greedy. I want two shoes. I’d like a matching pair. Look at me, I’m a diva missionary that doesn’t like getting one old size 14 men’s shoe. What is this Project Runway? Are you the Heidi Klum or maybe Tim Gunn of the mission field? Wow, here I am with my cheerful heart and you’re complaining. God is pretty disappointed in you right now. I’ll pray for you.”
7. What was donated to the church:
The filthy clothes someone wore during the mission trip to build an outhouse.
Why I gave it:
“No, no, the bag of dirty clothes is for you. And I don’t appreciate you asking me if I ‘left my laundry behind on purpose.’ Yes, yes I did. That’s how I do mission trips. I’m like a snake, not in the Biblical sense of the word, but more in the shed my skin sense of the word. I built an outhouse, got incredibly filthy and instead of packing dirty clothes in my suitcase decided to leave it all behind as a donation. I could see the way some of those foreigners were checking out my sweat stained JC Penny undershirts. They will love them. It’s about changing lives. You’re welcome.”
When I open up my church, iGracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, I’m going to set up a video camera on the donation box. Every Sunday, we’ll play a greatest hits clip from the tape of anyone that donated junk. Then we’ll shoot the junk at the person from the stage into the crowd wherever they’re sitting with a modified t-shirt gun like they use at sporting events. I think after a service or two of watching punks get hit by an expired can of beets in the sternum people will probably stop donating junk.
Play along:
What do you think was going through someone’s head when they donated this stuff?
Has anyone ever donated junk to your church?
Comments
I have a confession to make. I lied to a lady’s face when she asked me if I’d gotten what she donated…I said you know what, who’d you give it to? When she answered one of my volunteers, I said, “He must have forgotten to tell me and it got tossed.”
She had come on Jr. High youth group night specifically to give me an old popcorn maker, you know the stand-up that you put a bowl under. I didn’t want it in the first place, but I had a sneaking suspicion that it didn’t really work. I was right. I plugged it in and got nothing. I wasn’t completely sure how it worked so I left it plugged in. Nothing. What a piece. And it seems like a normal occurrence, “Ah, this crap doesn’t work, sucks, etc. I’m too lazy to drive it all the way to Goodwill. I know, let’s give it to the church. They want our old crap!”
beets in the sternum!
That was better than most of my Christmas gifts will be!
Merry Christmas Jon!
As long as the clothes are in decent shape, I have no problem donating them. Basically, if the clothes are being donated because they’ve been outgrown or because I just have an excess of that type of clothing, I think it’s fine to donate clean, used clothes.
You probably won’t believe this but I swear it’s true. Someone donated a pair of underwear…with POOP in it to a mission’s garage sale my mom and I were hosting.
The most memorable items that have been donated to the church I am on staff at: A half melted Santa candle, and a box of Hanukkah candles… did I mention that I work at a Christian church??
Hanukkah candles make great birthday candles. They don't blow out before you can possibly light them all and bring the cake into the dining room. Less dripping onto the frosting, too.
i love jon acuff. period.
word ver: vabilli
An alibi used during vacation bible school.
I used to volunteer at a resale store run by our local Christian high school. We got a lot of disgusting stuff, but one of the worst bags I ever opened had a rotten watermelon in it. I am hoping that the truly wonderful stuff in their other black bag was set out by the curb for their garbage pickup by mistake.
Oh, and the other weird thing was a whole box of GQ mags. And the other huge box of raunchy books.
I hereby declare that I am going to do a version of this post every year at Christmas for as long as I write this site. The responses are ridiculous.
The plastic food
The “missionary barrel”
and this story from Jenn is hilarious
“We run a food pantry in our church. Last year we were given twenty turkeys to give out for Thanksgiving. Which would be great, except they were all still alive. It was too much for this city-raised gal. I did find a parishioner friend who didn’t mind slaughtering them, but I still laugh everytime I think of what would have happened with twenty live turkeys running around the fellowship hall.”
You guys are the reason this site is funny. I swear the truth you bring is funnier than the silliness I talk about. Wow. You guys are fantastic.
Jon
I’m confused. I bought all new clothes for a medical mission trip for Haiti and did leave them behind. We saw 1362 patients in just a few days and I failed to “do the laundry”. Forgive me. I felt horrible taking suitcases full of stuff out. Now I know. Next time, I guess I bring it home and wash it and give it locally?Hmmmmpfff….I’m probably just not in a good mood tonight. Does wonders for the giving spirit…..
My wife and I are missionaries in Thailand. What makes me laugh in that sad, crying way is when I see the clothes, shoes, jackets, teddy bears, etc. that people have given to organizations for disaster relief being sold on the corner of every street. Be careful who you give to because there are a lot of rip-off artists pulling on heart strings out there!!
We also came across a huge stack of 3x sized tshirts. Keep in mind, no one (literally no one) in Haiti is big enough to wear a 3x shirt. You could fit about 35 Haitian kids in one of those.
Okay so a Haitian sewing schools can’t use that material? Hello? Maybe someone isn’t an idiot, just resourceful,just a thought. I’m done, it’s been a long day.
Gotta love it when your feed reader at work pops up the phrase “Kinky Lingerie for Missionaries”.
Jamie,
I think that since Jesus celebrated Hannukah(aka feast of dedication) that it’s perfectly ok for Christians to do the same.
I actually know a fair number who do.
Ok, so first off I have to scream – EWWWWW at some of the things people donate and then other people actually purchase. Gross, I think I need a shower – bleh!
Secondly, we held a fundraiser garage sale for our youth 2 years ago and I was totally taken back by some of the things we saw.
Some of the clothing items received included “stirrup pants” who wears those anyway?
But the best was the “smut” literature. You know the romance novels? Yep, boxes and boxes of those from a couple of our most prominent members. Guess what we sold…you guessed it…every last one of them!!!
We reached our goal of $1500
My roommate in college was from a missionary family in Guatemala. She told me they actually got donated
USED TEABAGS! Gross. If you want to send teabags use them extra yourself and send new ones!
btw – laughing my head off at some of these!
Does anyone out there know how to send cheese to Nigeria. I have a missionary friend in Nigeria, and there is no cheese there. Cheese companies seem to only want to ship to North America, and addresses with letters in it I don’t understand. Mare’s address doesn’t seem to contain those letters. Can someone advise me? Thanks. I don’t think she would be too happy if I sent her lingerie, but cheese would please, I think.
Jon Acuff- I am reporting to you as a missionary from an orphanage in Mexico, in sunny Baja California, 15 miles from the Pacific Ocean. There are no weather reports for the town I’m in, but trust me when I say this, it is bloody cold, and this is a milder winter! You see, and heating appliances of any kind are a luxury around here, and it is often colder inside than out. If the orphanage your church supports does not need the snowsuits, we will gladly take them, no matter what the size, and they will be put to good use.
And don’t get me started on the lingerie. Suffice it to say, about 2/3 of protestant missionaries are women, according to Kraft and Crossman, Worldwide Perspectives, 1996. I’ll leave it up to the reader to mull on the implications of using the lingerie for its intended purpose for those of us in the field on that.
I work for a missions organization, and we have an entire FLOOR of our building for donations. Sometimes there’s some clothes in there worth having… and it’s also good for costume parties!
We did, apparently, get sent the used tea bags once, though.
My wife worked in Zambia and was also sent used teabags. Where we work now we were given a sofa, when we went to collect it the woman said it was her cats used to sleep and she was sure if we cleaned it we would be able to get rid of all the fleas!!!!!
I grew up in Korea and in the 50′s. When the barrel of clothes and supplies came from the “church” it was amazing to find dirty holy underwear, pants, shirts, shoes, and assorted used goods…sent with love by our brothers and sisters in Christ.
I can’t tell you what is going through people’s heads when they donate stuff. I’ve always wondered that, but I will tell you – this is a funny post. Kinky lingerie – ha!
My husband works for the rescue mission in the food service department. They recently had donated an opened package of powdered cheese from 1978. Lovely!
Trying not to correct Phillip's misconceptions of scripture… I regret I missed this whole blog b/c I was researching about Christmas & Channukah.
I guess now I will wait until the re-remix. Had some really great ones since we have run clothing ministry for 10 years!
word verfication: driativ
For those that take tv intervenious.
A friend of ours who runs a mission was given a food bank donation of a package of nori, the seaweed paper used to roll sushi. Bet that blessed some poor family.
I hope you are not being sarcastic. Nori is very expensive, it keeps a long time, and it is extremely healthy and tastes great. Millions of people eat it — most of whom aren't even *gasp* white. Think outside the Happy Meal box. If you don't know how to roll sushi, flake it into a salad, or onto fish, chicken, rice, etc.
Mo,
If I have a “misconception” of scripture, kindly point it out to me.
I see absolutely nothing that the feast of dedication could possibly be except for Chanukah.
Philip,
Tried the link to your blog it didn't work. I do not have a blog, but have a website, facebook, myspace & e-mails.
My research on Hannukah is too lengthy for here & not what this blog was designed for.
Please send a message to myspace.com/crybattle
Once when we were doing a garage sale for our youth group someone dropped off a USED ENEMA KIT. I am not even joking. As if the used underwear wasn’t bad enough – now what am I going to do with this?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
We once took a clean enema & reeces & made it look used & wrapped it up & gave it to someone.
yeah, I think I will be anonymous on this one.
once in a while someone at themarriagebed.com asks about selling – or worse, buying – used sex toys (“marital aids” for the squeamish). Most sex toys can’t be sterilized. That’s gross.
Many yrs ago I organized a rummage sale for our church. Someone brought not only used carpet but the used padding too. She was sure some college student would love it.
I helped sort things when our church was a shelter for Katrina victims. Someone donated some beautiful floor length sheer drapes. Now what would someone who lost their home do with them? Especially when they were living in a church gym. That doesn’t say anything about the old worn out dirty clothes donated.
But I do have to say it was truly amazing the things we received that were much needed and used. It took the Red Cross several days to get cots for sleeping. We had full sized beds and mattresses donated as well as huge numbers of air mattresses.
Now that we are victims of hurricane Ike the best donation was some company donated very slightly used computers to those who lost theirs in the storm.
As for the old clothes left after mission trips, when my husband went to Jamaica last year in the orientation he was told to leave them.
Ah.. I am the Director of Multimedia and Technology at my church, I am constantly finding things left outside my office that “we thought you could use”. My favorite thus far has been the copy, still shrink-wrapped, of MS Dos 3.1 with a note that red: “I thought you might be able to use on the projection computer”. I wrote back on it: “Perhaps if it were still 1984″ and left in on the Lost and Found table.
Here is a list of other random things I have found outside my door:
8mm film projectors (in case we ever decide to Educational Films to the students, maybe)
A Reel-to-Reel recording of a 1956 Christmas Cantata (in case the choir decides to go old-school)
The Holy Bible, on 30 convenient vinyl records (box and/or sleeves not included)
One box of VHS Tapes labeled “Mommy and Daddy’s”
One Commodore 128, circa 1984
Several monochrome monitors
At my church we say that the “the church is closer than the dump”
Growing up as a missionary’s kid, we certainly received a lot of interesting items. My parents were serving refugees from Eastern Europe, and one box we received came during a time when a refugee family from Romania was staying with us. Now bear in mind that this family was used to waiting hours in bread lines, only to find that there was no bread, and barely escaped the country with their lives. They weren’t used to luxury. But when the mother of the family saw the box of ripped up, dirty kids clothes that had come in for me, she looked at my mother in disgust and exclaimed “I would never give junk like this as a gift!”
In contrast, some of the nicest gifts I ever received were from refugees who had left their country with only what they could carry in a small suitcase. I’ve tried to keep this lesson with me as I consider my own giving: Don’t give what you don’t want. Give what you would want to receive.
ok, i think someone’s misinformed. someone put that Jesus celebrated Hanukkah, but i believe hanukkah started after Jesus. because it was when the Romans (or Greeks?)…maybe Romans, because i think it was during or after their destruction of Jerusalem. anyway, Judas Maccabeus (or Maccabees) cleansed the temple because the Romans had desecrated it by sacrificing a pig. and the miracle was that the light in the temple that’s supposed to be kept burning-they only had enough oil for like a day, but it lasted eight. i’m pretty sure most of that is right. sorry, guys, bible college student here. but i recommend you google it.
Maccabees is in the Catholic bibles.
Tiffany said… “ok, i think someone’s misinformed. someone put that Jesus celebrated Hanukkah, but i believe hanukkah started after Jesus. because it was when the Romans (or Greeks?)… sorry, guys, bible college student here. but i recommend you google it.”
The event you’re referring to is the Maccabean rebellion against the Seleucid empire, one of the remnants of Alexander the Great’s conquests. it took place around 167 BC – well before Jesus’ day. He may very well have celebrated Hanukkah.
Some lady at our church saved every piece of tape she has ever used. Scotch tape, masking tape, duct tape, every kind of tape you could possibly imagine. She spread them all out on a huge piece of cardboard and gave it to us to send to the missionaries.
friends of mine that used to run a girls home received a box of USED toothbrushes.
The festival of lights is Hannukah. Jesus did celebrate it; it is mentioned in the gospel of John.
When I donated some stuff to the church's yard sale, when I put it in the room for donations, I couldn't believe some of the stuff I saw in there! Broken furniture, an old broken plastic laundry basket, a high chair with a rip on the vinyl seat, etc. I'm all for saving the environment, and reuse instead of tossing, but in order to reuse something it has to be worth reusing!
This has got to be the best blog post and responces i have read on this site.