Should this go in the book? #159.
Dec 13th by JonWithout you, I wouldn’t have the chance to write a book version of Stuff Christians Like with Zondervan. Thank you for that opportunity. I’m going to say that as often as possible. And I want to be open about the book writing process. Part of what I need to do is pick posts from the site that should go in the book. The majority is going to be new but I do want to include some favorites. So I’m going to post a few essays every now and then and would love to hear if you think they should go in the book. Today’s is “The 7 People You Meet in a Prayer Circle,” which is a remix of post #159.
Should it go in? Yes? No? Did I miss something? Thanks for your help.
The 7 People You Meet in a Prayer Circle
Prayer circles can provide some surprisingly tense moments. At church or in a small group, someone will say, “I’ll open us in prayer, Lisa you close us. Everyone else, pray if you feel led.”
Suddenly, there’s an expectation. In less than a minute that opening prayer is going to be finished and you’ll be faced with an incredibly difficult decision. Do I pray? Do I feel led? When do I pray? When is the “Closer” going to speak up and put an end to this prayer? How do I not start praying at the same time as someone else? There are so many questions, each fraught with danger and intrigue. That’s why I have created the simple, “7 people you meet in a prayer circle.” It’s like that book, “5 People You Meet in Heaven,” but slightly more sarcastic and bound to not become a made for television movie.
7 people you meet in a prayer circle:
1. The Opener
You might think the “Closer” is the one with all the power, but don’t be misled, the opener is in control. In addition to often choosing the Closer, they set the tone for the entire prayer circle. If they go long, people after them are going to go long. If they add cute little jokes to the opening prayer, the people after them will be casual too. More than that, they don’t need to worry about the Closer or fear someone cutting them off. They can pray and then relax. Their job is over and done in a matter of seconds.
2. The Almost-er
This is the person sitting near you that is constantly on the verge of praying. You can hear them doing that little breath thing, that small inhale that occurs a split second before someone speaks. And you can hear it because it’s loud in the deafening silence of the prayer circle. Every time you are about to say a prayer you hear the Almost-er and you stop out of courtesy. And then they don’t pray. So you start again and an inhale from the Almost-er stops you again. It’s quite a little dance.
3. The Rambler
Another name for this person is the “Jon Acuff.” This is the guy or gal that sees the chance to pray in front of people as an open microphone. A chance to not so subtly reference everything they’ve recently learned during their quiet time in one long, rambling prayer. And there’s no way to stop them, unless you are married to them. If you are, then like my wife, you can grab the Rambler’s hand and give him a squeeze that says, “I love you, you are good at praying but no one wants to hear about the spiritual mysteries you have uncovered recently in the book of Joel.”
4. The Cave In
Deciding not to pray in a prayer circle is like not giving to a love offering. What you don’t feel led? You’re the only person in the room that didn’t get led? The Holy Spirit isn’t speaking to you right now? Maybe we should pray for you instead of doing this prayer circle. Expect at least one person to be the Cave In.
5. The Gun Slinger
When there are only two people left that have not prayed and the Closer is mentally warming up to end the session, you may end up a prayer showdown. It’s just you and another girl that looks like a heathen right now for not praying. The entire circle senses that the prayers were good but they need one more before the Closer prays. They need one more tiny prayer to kind of wrap things up. But you don’t want to pray and neither does the Gun Slinger. So you sit there in silence across from each other like cowboys in the street, waiting, letting the tension and the awkwardness build until finally someone draws their gun and blurts out, “Lord thank you for this day and everything you blessed us with!”
6. The Shot Blocker
This one is rare. Hearing this one in a group prayer is like seeing a unicorn. On the highway. With Gary Coleman riding it’s back in the breakdown lane. In basketball, when someone on the opposing team swats your shot with their hand, preventing you from scoring, this is called “shot blocking.” The same thing can happen in a prayer circle when everyone in the rooms knows that someone is praying for something they should be praying. The entire circle knows that Mark is the wrong guy for Mary but she prays for their relationship. Here’s what happens:
Mary: “Lord, I pray that you would continue to strengthen and bless my relationship with Mark.”
Shot blocker: “Lord please give Mary more patience, discernment and clarity in her relationship. Help her see the truth you are trying to reveal to her.. Help her not rush into anything.”
This is the basketball equivalent of someone blocking your shot into another state. Right as the prayer if floating up to heaven, someone swoops in and shot blocks it back into the crowd.
7. The Closer
Closing a prayer circle is like being Spiderman. It’s a gift and a responsibility. Although you get to determine when it ends, you also have to monitor the amount of quiet time that signifies everyone has gone. Because what you don’t want to happen, what the Closer fears the most is the “Encore-ist.” This is the person that goes after the Closer, boldly defying all rules of group prayer. It’s an embarrassing situation for a Closer and for a few minutes afterward, it’s hard to make eye contact with them.
Those are the seven. I didn’t list out the Encore-ist with any detail because God can’t stand that person. Hopefully, in the next prayer circle you get in, you’ll be able to save some embarrassment and rush quickly to the role you want to play.
Comments
Adds nothing to the conversation, but when I saw the Word Verification I had to post something just to use the wv.
Word Verification: undomons
Plural of undomon. This is the opposite of udomon (slang for you are the man which is a way of showing respect for the mad skills of a person regardless of gender).
Wow after watching you wipe out trying to do a simple ollie I have to say undomon.
Oh you forgot the competitive prayer – she is the one who has to pray at the very end to show how she remembers every name and every prayer request, and how she can pray a more moving and astounding prayer than the rest.
Ah yes, Jon, I’m no stranger to prayer circle politics.
What about the background whisper prayer? This is the person (or people) in your prayer group who “whisper prays” in the background for the person someone else is praying for out loud. I never know who to listen to!
I wanna get the book! Yes, put this one in. Also, how about the person who quotes huge portions of Scripture (KJV) in his prayer and gives a running commentary on them at the same time.
Definitely a winner.
Yes!
I’m ashamed to admit that there has been more than one occasion when I have played the role of ‘Barnyard Noises Jockey’. One memoable occasion was when I was with a bunch of English-speakers who were praying with some Portuguese-speakers. This Portuguese chap started and I coudn’t help myself but make some of those encouraging noises, grunts, sniffs, mmm’s and even a ‘yes, Lord’ when I guessed he’d made a particularly telling point. After a few of these, one of the English speakers looked up and caught my eye (yes, I have to admit I’m a gaze-pray-er, not an eyes-screwed-up-tight man) and she started giggling and the whole thing degenerated after a little while. Hallelujah anyway, right?
Definitely yes! It’s one of the posts to which I refer back!!
Yes, yes it should.
Yup, definitely
Book it, but i think #373 ‘Prayer Ninja’ definitely needs to go in alongside it.
peace,
-Rog
You forgot “The Alternative Christmas letter”. I loved that one.
Oh wait. That was me. Still…
I’d say it’s book-worthy.
Although I’d have to say that my main concern when in a prayer circle is that if everyone else goes, then that’s the Holy Spirit automatically leading me to pray.
I vote YES. Not many of my friends in SA know about this blog (though I’ve certainly given it enough WOM) and I know that when your book gets here this is one of the posts I’d love to share with them – the technologically challenged heathens…
yeah… i honestly thought it was a bit rambly. good characters, but descriptions went on to long. but maybe thats why i’m not being published by zondervan
Yes.
Jon, if this is NOT it the book, I won’t buy it. Nor will I buy the copies I’d planned on giving as gifts. I won’t tell my pastor, boss, co-workers. This post and Christian Emoticons made your blog noteworthy in one of mine.
This post is what got me hooked on this blog. You should definitely include it!
Yes. It’s awesome. Put it in.
I like that there are 7 kinds, but there are some good ideas in the comments so far. I’m going to buy this book as soon as it’s out, but I will miss reading the comments after the posts.
BTW, I told my husband you were writing a book (somehow he didn’t know), and he wanted to buy it right then.
wow. this is one subject where you perfectly described my prayer circle experience. i’ve tended to be an “almost-er”… we almost-er’s are actually crowd shy ramblers.
i can remember standing for about half an hour, listening to the opener tag teaming with the rambler then both getting shaq’ed by the shot blocker then a water pistol shot by the gunslinger to warn the shot blocker a foul shot is being called. the whole time, i, almost-er am actually tuning out what every else is praying- concentrating on the diction and presentation of my prayer that if uttered would turn me into a pro rambler. searching for a spiritually poignant moment in which to insert my glorious prayer i am stomped back into almost-er ground by a volley of gunslingers firing at random directions trying to snuff out the gunslinger who has scared the cave-ins into sneaking out unnoticed to the foyer “for a bathroom break” but they are really in search of skittles and side hugs. it is only then do i become painfully aware of how sweaty my left palm is and i begin to wonder if the girl holding it thinks im a baby for having sweaty palms.
how about the person that says “yes lord” or “amen” or some kind of affirmation after every sentence anyone else says…or the person that reminds God that they are talking to them every half sentence by saying His name or title constantly…like…”Lord, I just pray Lord, that Lord you would provide for us Lord, because you are God, Lord, and you know what we need, Lord”.
definitely in the book
actually the “shot-black” is fairly common in our circle – there’s one guy who *really* needs to get his act together. At one point someone gave him a lecture – an actual lecture – during the prayer meeting and no one thought it was out of place. So he’s always praying that “nothing will suddenly turn up to keep me out of college” and someone will pray after that for him to be disciplined and organized and NOT LOSE YOUR FINANCIAL PAPERS FOR THE 18TH TIME BECAUSE YOUR ROOM IS CARPETED IN TOY ROBOTS. Amen.
This is one of my absolute favorites. I say it should definitely go in the book.
This was a pretty hilarious post. I’m an almost-er most of the time and a cave in sometimes. I usually let myself off the hook by praying to myself silently.
Very funny post….so true, too!
This needs to be in the book. This is a true SCL classic!!
Oh yes. This is one of the posts, along with 10 styles of worship, that cemented my adoration for SCL.
So, how about the pray-er who actually lectures their fellow pray-ers via prayer?
Such as, “Lord, I pray that you would help us BE KIND to one another, and help people to BE QUIET.”
This is why I read SCL. Great work.
Oh yes, please include this in the book. It is something that has come to mind frequently when praying in groups and I was waiting for this on your sight. It would be great in your book.
This totally cracked me up! It should definitely go in the book!
yes!!
for sure!
YES! Definitely!
word ver: remel
The second part of regifting when the regifted gift was mailed to you first.
In the book fo sho!
Definitely belongs in the book.
You know how someone says “I’ll second that” and then the next person says “I’ll third that,” etc.
I just noticed I’m the 85th comment, which makes me glad I’m not one comment later.
I say put it in the book! This is my most frequently quoted post to my friends and family.
Yes, this should definitly make it into the book! But you left out the “Agreeable One”… the one that echos every prayer with words like, “yes Lord,” “Thank you Lord”, “hmmmnnnmm” , “praise you Father…”
This is hilarious. Please include it in your book. I am forwarding this link to everyone I have ever prayed with… right now.
This may have already been mentioned but don’t forget the double-prayers (or something to that effect) who start praying at the exact same time! it’s the dreaded position no one wants to be in. Then one person has to decide to back off while the other one keeps praying.
YES!!!
one of my fav’s…whenever i tell people about this site i tell them to check out post #159 first.
Bryan Allain – your comment made me laugh – because at our wedding the worship leader actually forgot the groom’s name mid-prayer! he started strumming harder and harder on his guitar… and then mumbled “lets just sing!”
i agree with all the comments about the “just”ers (like, asking God to do anything for you is a SMALL deal? you don’t get what an awesome privilege it is? or are you trying to talk god into answering by tricking Him into thinking it is a minor request?) and the Keep-God’s-Attention prayers a la “and God, we thank you God, that we can worship you god…” arghhh!
honestly, i came back here to see what kind of feedback there was b/c it wasn’t my top favorite post but it WAS funny.
I started reading recently at the post about how metrosexual your worship pastor is. I forwarded it to ours, and was informed shortly thereafter of the metrosexual status of several of the pastors on staff! HaHa!