SCL

whoa. Transparency… that is SO hard. Because if people can really SEE inside of me? They would laugh. They would hate me. They would never want to be around me. I’m not typing things that I “think” others would say or think. I’m being real. I stink. But with enough perfume, or air freshener, or “safe sins”… I can get by and pretend it’s the next guy that farted. sorry… but real. ouch. That really hurt, Jon. Thanks.

You still didn’t confess masturbation! We know that is your real “junk”.

Most people will confess internet pornography or simply “lust” because they don’t want to utter the word “masturbation.”

Will this comment be deleted because it is too… dangerous?

I like this one. I have thought this several times, and unfortunately fallen into it as well. I meet with some guys as an “accountability” prayer group. But, if no one is going to be honest, then there is not going to be much accountability. Drives me nuts. Thanks for calling it out.

Fred

Steph,

Thanks for the clarification. It was helpful. If someone does the big buildup for something that isn’t considered as “bad”, then someone else will be hesitant to share their junk.

I think the key is pure, plain genuineness. Be it “small” or “big” … if it’s something we truly care about having God change in our lives, we just honestly share it.

michele

I heard you talk about this on Thursday night and giving the gift of going second has lodged itself in my mind.

Well done.

hahah. Masturbation. hahah. right on Annon 6:53

thank you.

Man, this is one of your best posts ever. Not trying to blow up your head or anything, but this just really connected with me. Thanks!

Anon @6:53
Thanks for the feedback. Although I disagree with you in the sense that uttering one word or another does not validate or invalidate a confession (I’ve been judgmental in the past about the quality of someone’s confession and I think trying to hold someone up to my standard of what a “real” confession is can be a really bogus thing of me to do and ultimately the only standard that matters is God’s – I’m not saying that was the intent of your comment, just what it reminded me of in my own life) I want you to know that I’ll never delete comments like the on you left because they’re not dangerous. Dishonesty is dangerous. Hiding is dangerous. If you’re just expressing your honest opinion, I certainly wouldn’t want to edit that. What a rambling, run on response I just wrote. Bottom line, thanks for the comment. It made me pause and think and I really appreciate that.
Jon

Anon @6:53,

I read that this morning before Jon commented, but my response is different so its cool.

The problem is not Masturbation. Yep I said it.

The problem is how you look at others. Don’t believe me? Go read what Jesus said on Adultery, which is condemned unlike Masturbation.

Jesus tells us that when we look at someone with lust in our heart that we have committed the sin of Adultery. Of course this applies to people you are not married to when you are married or if they are married otherwise it is fornication but you get the point right?

The real issue is always the motives that drive us. If we rule our body and never cave to the lusts and desires in us in any way but let those lusts and desires have plenty of room then we have already lost the battle.

Fortunately grace covers all manner of sins even cutting someone off at the knees when they are baring their soul.

I’m ridiculously transparent in and out of Christian circles and I think it freaks people out. My youngest is nearly 2 so I get asked a lot when number three will be coming around. When I answer, after a thoughtful pause, that number three is not planned because I am really struggling with my anger towards my very young children and until I can get that very ugly emotion under control I have no business having more children. People are kinda stunned and looking for an emergency exit.

I find it is safest to be honest with parents with children a little older, who remember being there and aren’t ashamed to admit they didn’t do it perfectly. So yeah, I go first whenever I am asked questions about family planning. And we are trying to make our small group a place where we can be vulnerable with each other too, and it is working.

You nailed it. Your post explains exactly what we are trying to teach ecclesiastical leaders about how to approach someone addicted to pornography and or sexual addiction http://www.innergold.com/ecclesiastical.cfm

Thank you for posting your feelings and comments. This is what helps people to start the healing process of overcoming addiction. We feel it is important to tie the spiritual healing with knowledge. We teach people how the brain functions with their addiction and encompass that with their belief and bingo, we have a winning ticket to overcome their Addict.

Great post keep sharing.

InnerGold

I am Anon @ 6:53.

Nick and Jon… Thank you for your responses. Well, I didn’t put as much thought into my original post as you guys obviously did in yours. So, I can understand that you might feel like I was judging. Actually, the first part about saying “I know what your junk is” was really just trying to be funny. Guess I failed.

In any case, my only, single, one point in my post was that we are ASHAMED of the fact we masturbate. You can debate whether or not it is wrong and you can debate whether or not other kinds of lust are more ‘sinful.’ But we have to admit that admitting masturbation is one of the hardest things to do, for whatever reason.

I was just putting masturbation out there so that others would have the gift of going second. I didn’t say it the right way the first time, though, so I’ll say it now:

I masturbate.

But I know I’m a coward because I’m still posting anonymously.

I’m still at a point where I can’t seem to confess my most secret sin (not biggest, because I’m sure I’m sinning plenty in other ways I don’t even know about) with everyone knowing, which is why I’m anonymous, so please excuse me for that.

But at least I’ll say it out in the open, even if you don’t know who I am: my secret shameful sin would be masturbation. And I’m a woman. So for those who think only guys struggle with this, I am testament to show that that women deal with lust too. I don’t necessarily look at porn, or read books that are graphic in description, but occasionally I will, if I’m really in deep. Most of the time I just remember scenes from movies or tv shows that aren’t even R-rated, but it’s enough for me sometimes, because my mind will conjure up what it can’t see. And so my struggle is against the physical pleasure I want to feel.

The thing I want to thank God for, as frustrating and shameful as it is, is that lately He’s been really pressing upon my heart to share it with the people in my church, because we have quite a small ministry. But I was hoping you guys could help me out. Is this something I can tell everyone, both guys and girls, during small group, or would it more prudent of me to share it first with only a few people, maybe one older person, who isn’t a guy?

To Anon@5:33, I didn’t realize you had posted until I went down the page to make sure mine showed up okay (I’m Anon@9:43). But thanks for being first anyway.

Like so many things in the Western church, the idea of accountability and confession needs to be updated (by actually moving backward)…

we recently started a men’s “edit-ability” group here…there were 13 guys I felt led to ask, 9 of them responded and started it. we meet every other week, very informally…i got the concept of “edit-ability” from Leonard Sweet’s book 11 Indispensable Relationships You Can’t Be Without.

In traditional style “accountability” groups it has been my experience for men they go something like this…”You look at porn?” “Nope, did you?” “Nope, let’s go eat!” The idea is that men in the midst of their man-pride don’t want to be “accountable” to one more person in their life! The concept of “edit-ability” however is much different…not only have I and every other guy in the group given each other permission to ask tough questions, but we also give permission for that bunch to help us “edit” our life, whether it be by actually stepping in to help a situation (putting a password on a router, going to the gym with the guy, calling him early in the morning to make sure he’s up…). It goes beyond someone making sure you’re not “messing up”…it leads to biblical relationships in the body of Christ.

We started meeting in December of 08, and we are getting ready to split the group into 3 separate groups…our church serves 3 distinct cities, and we’ve seen the need to make the group more area centered. Once a group gets to 10 guys, they split into 2 groups of 5 and start adding again…it is really amazing what God is doing…

Incidentally, the wives of the first group of guys decided they needed something pointed like this as well so they meet in our ‘off’ weeks…they have testified to one another how they have seen “real change” in their husbands during this time, and it has intrigued them…so now they are editing each other’s life as well.

Love this! It’s oh so true! Thanks!

Great post – and so true.

How vulnerable are we willing to make ourselves, for the sake of community?

I needed this today more than I need air. Thank you.

So, speaking first about something is giving somebody “The Gift of Going Second”? Who knew?

I’d sometimes give others at university this “gift” without ever knowing it was a gift. But I noticed that if I was real with them, they would be just about as real too. However I tend to rely on the Holy Spirit’s guidance in informing me when would be an appropriate time about dumping the more socially-stigmatizing things. The first time i felt convicted to tell somebody about an issue in my life, I threw up from the stress! But it was about time that I had, and it allowed me to share it better the next time, and allowed more serious discussions with others who had similar junk in their lives. I could be wrong, but this seems like the recipe to remove the inventor’s curse, to me.

wv: propick: For when you’ve gotta have the right guitar pick

Dear anon 6:53,

I am a woman who once masturbated, and I wrote about it in my blog, and I’m not anonymous!

I’m not doing it now, because my hormones have changed. I wish I could say it’s because I’m married.

I was always hormonally “charged.”

Dr. James Dobson set me free regarding this area in some things he said on the topic. He said it’s not wrong (for those who accept it) if your fantasies or thoughts are not wrong. It’s really between you and God. In order to find peace, you have to find peace with Him on this, but godly people like Dobson may help.

People, maybe esp. women, feel guilty about masturbation because they feel guilty about sex in general.

By the way Jon, your post made me so laugh!

Jon, I hope I don’t weary you and everyone with my frequent comments.

I am grieved by the lack of transparency we are forced to have in the church.

Che Ahn(Harvest Rock church, Pasadena, friend of Ted Haggard), in a recent conference I went to, said that he thought Ted Haggard’s problem was largely that he was unable to confess to anyone in his early years the struggles he was having with homosexuality, because he would have been immediately banned from what he was doing. There was no acceptance for anyone with that kind of struggle.

It’s as if we think there is no hope for someone stained with homosexuality, as if it’s not a sin that the blood of Christ can cleanse. Thus, no one wants to confess it!!!!!

We are a sorry bunch for people who carry the message of the greatest source of liberation there is!

I have done a bit of prison ministry, so while I’ve been in groups where “safe sins” have a run, I’ve also been in the opposite, where it is like a contest to see who had the “worst sin” imaginable, and yet Christ redeemed it. Neither is so great.
We need others who we can be honest with about our struggles. And even when we’re in a group where broadcasting our particular sin is not appropriate, we need to be real enough to acknowledge that we struggle.
Keith green sang “The world is sleeping in the dark that the church just can’t fight cause its asleep in the light”
It starts with those who profess the Name of Christian to open our eyes and be real before we have any hope of witnessing His Glorious Grace to a lost world.

Thanks for your blog.

Thanks for writing the truth and for going first. How are we to truly love each other and to help if we can if no one is willing to expose themselves. Do we live in that perfect of a world. Absolutely not. If we all sit around and pretend that we are fine, how will anything change? It won’t eventually we will all hit a dead-end (literally) road and slam right into it. God wants us to expose ourselves, if we do others will realize that their sins might be able to be forgiven and look to Him instead of running in the opposite direction. We need God first and foremost, but we also need each other. Life can be a very lonely road and sometimes its nice to know that christians have been on that lonely road as well. Peace to you and thanks for your blog. a sister in Christ!

Thanks for writing the truth and for going first. We all need to be willing to expose our weaknesses. God wants us to. If we don’t how are we to be examples to others who may feel as if their sin is just too much for God to forgive. Things have changed in my life because of God. Now instead of beer I need the Word of God. Instead of a party I need a Wed. night prayer session. I need different things now, but that doesn’t mean that a little bit ago I wasn’t as broken and as lost as the next guy. We need to embrace each other, we need to speak honestly and let others know that God is not prejudice. He loves us right where we’re at. Peace to you and thanks for the blog. a sister in Christ!

My husband recently admitted to me that he had cheated on me while we were dating (about 2 years ago). I was devastated, and there is still a lot of destruction that has to be rebuilt, but we are definitely in the process of healing thanks to several members of our church and some good conseling (and an immeasurable amount of help from God).

After he admitted it to me, he had to face his men’s group which meets weekly. He was terrified to go back. So scared because all the men in his group our “such good family men”.

He worked up the courage to tell his group, and wouldn’t you know it, ever since the other men are slowly creeping away from safe sins, and feel more comfortable admitting what’s really going on/has gone on in their lives.

My husband now jokes “Telling them was a great idea. Once I dropped that bomb, there wasn’t much left that was off limits to talk about for the rest of them. I set the bar so low, they had nothing to fear at that point!”

Hallelujah!

So glad you brought that out!

Keep up the good work.

http://www.iamsecond.com/

Nice post!

I appreciate your honesty in this a lot! I am in charge of leading small groups at my church and I think this is a great thing to think about when training leaders!

This reminds me of something Aaron Weiss (mewithoutYou)

"the good things: we keep a secret. anything bad we do, we confess those things to each other…"

I've been trying, for the past two weeks, to really embrace this truth. Oh intensity.

nice post

Wow…what a fabulous post! So many times I've been in a group – head down, avoiding eye contact, waiting for someone else to go first. Because even though I have something to say, I don't want to go first and risk being judged! Going second often means I either don't speak or I say something different or watered-down from what I intended.

I'm the kind of person who tends to let it all hang out, though, and I often feel like the only sinner in a room full of saints. Next time, I'm going to remember this essay and give my fellow group members the gift of going second.

My shout out to this post at http://sarahpahl.blogspot.com. This concept is still changing my life.

Hey Jon, I'm gonna go ahead and be a little bravenonymous-esque here.

This post really spoke to me (in more ways than one, because I first heard it on your audiobook. Lol.) because although I was raised in a Christian home, when I was a kid, think 8-13, I was addicted to online pornography. Go ahead and read that again. An 8-year-old girl, daughter of strong Christians, addicted to internet porn. It wasn't because of my parents or some traumatic experience or anything like that – it was just me. As time passed and I got older/started understanding more about God, it just made me feel more depressed and angry at myself. I was on the verge of suicide before God finally got a hold of my heart.

These past few years, I've struggled with recovering from all that mess because I've kept it all to myself. Not even my parents know everything. But God has done a miraculous amount of healing in my mind and heart, and I'm close to healthy now.

Interestingly, a few years ago, shortly after God saved me, someone prophesied over me that I had a story to tell – a big one that people needed to hear. I've accepted that slowly and started to share a bit, but mostly only when I've been backed into a verbal corner.

But after reading this post, I realize that I've grown and matured enough to make myself vulnerable to others. Who knows what kind of things my small group friends are struggling with – who knows if they feel as trapped by shame as I did? Maybe by sharing I can help ease the load. So I'm going to dive into that.

Thanks for showing me that it's okay to go first.

~Sarah

This is one of my favorite posts and favorite parts of the book. It seems funny on the surface, but uncovers an ugly truth about each of us. We want to pray for others, we want God to hear our prayers, but we want to look good while doing it.

Read my lips – God doesn't care how you look when you come to Him.

[...] Encouragement. Even the darkest secrets don’t make me less human. This goes both ways too; other people have been encouraged because I shared first. [...]

This is a very good blog post (sorry for commenting too late, just found this blog!).. and really resonated with me. Sometimes when I go to church, I feel everyone around me is putting up some sort of mask, and pretending to be someone else. It's frustrating.

Wow. Amazing post.

I need to stop watching porn…. Te habit comes in and out..