#504. Church Hopping.
Mar 9th by JonGrowing up as a Pastor’s kid, I didn’t have many opportunities to participate in the Christian sport of Church Hopping. If you don’t go to your father’s church on Sunday morning, you might as well punch him in the face on the way out the door. But what I lacked growing up, I made up for in college, as I became a semi-professional church hopper.
I say semi, because I didn’t know all the rules of the game and didn’t properly focus on doing all the little things that make a world class church hopper. Fortunately, for you, and millions of other people that want temporary church experiences, I have organized them into one easy score card.
The Church Hopping Score Card
1. If you leave without even getting out of your car because you can’t find a good parking spot = +1 point
2. While visiting a new church you park in the pastor’s assigned parking space = +1 point
3. You get a free first time visitor’s gift = +2 points for each gift
4. You only visit once but still have the boldness to say, “I just didn’t feel like I connected with the people at that church” = +1 point
5. You refuse to come back to a church if not enough people said hello to you = +1 point
6. You refuse to come back to a church if too many people said hello to you = +1 point
7. Like the closely guarded secret formula of Coca Cola, you’re the only one that knows the correct number of people that should say hello to you = + 2 points
8. You visit on the Sunday the church is having a first time visitor’s lunch = +1 point
9. You take leftovers home from the first time visitors lunch = +2 points
10. You bring your own cooler to first time visitors lunches in anticipation of the leftovers = +3 points
11. You sit in a seat someone has sat in for 14 years running and they do the awkward stand and pause move right next to you before shuffling away in complete bafflement at who this person is = +3 points
12. You come long enough to benefit from everything the church offers but never actually volunteer for anything = +1 point
13. You have a pre planned little speech you give in case the church asks first time visitors to stand up and introduce themselves = +1 point
14. You have a “Hello My Name” is _______ sticker ball at home that is bigger than a soccer ball. = +2 points
15. You can easily name the three churches in town that have the best coffee = +1 point
16. During the “meet and greet” you use a pseudonym because you’re not sure if this is where God wants you to go to church yet = +1 point
17. You have a secret list of “if this happens at this church I’m outta here” = +1 point
18. You’re more than happy to tell the people around you why you didn’t like your last church = +1 point
19. The amount of traffic in a church parking lot weighs heavily on your decision to attend = +1 point
20. You have a scrapbook made entirely of bulletins to chronicle your travels = +1 point
How’d you score? Hopefully, really, really low, because all of those are pretty ridiculous. But had I measured that in college, I would have scored pretty high.
I hope you find a church you love. I hope if you’re hopping you’ll stop long enough to be real with a few people. And if not, I hope you’ll get some really good first time visitors gifts and send me a photo of your welcome name sticker ball. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
Did I miss anything from this list?
What would you add?
p.s. Special thanks go out to Robbie S. for this idea.
Comments
If you judge a church based on the bulletin – + 1
I love this post! #11 is great… we used to do it on purpose in our church and foul up the whole place (especially since we are a large family)! It was fun and I think in the end good for everyone. We did some hopping… back and forth from the church I started in to one that was closer to home. Loved them both, but needed the meat served up every week and more in the former… but it was so far away that we used to stop going for reasons like gas prices and lack of fellowship. Now we have a church plant in our town! God is good.
gredi: a nice word for thinking it’s all about me
When I moved to university, my roommates and I were looking around for churches. One (which will remain nameless) my only lasting impression of is the older lady who told us “you know, if you want to sit with people your own age, we have a youth section over there” – she could have genuinely been trying to be helpful, but I think we were in _her_ seat – we weren’t back
Word Verification (I kid you not!): Brible- the Bible a church gives out as a first-time visitor gift to guilt said visitor into returning to their church. I mean, come on, they gave you the Word of God, for goodness sakes! How could you find a better church than that?
my freshman year of college i church hopped a lot. at one church, i was sitting on the back row (i’m shy) and my contacts were buggin the stew out of me. so i put some drops in my eyes. then this older lady and her husband came and sat down by me as i’m rubbing the drops off my face, and before too long i heard the lady tell her husband “she was crying, you should go talk to her.” she apparently thought if she talked low, i wouldn’t be able to hear. but her husband came over and was giving me this speech about how hard it is to be away from home…ugh. after that i saw some college students and sat with them, but i never went back to that church. happy ending: now i have a college church i love-yay!
I want to know what church Andrea B. goes to!
While in college I visited a church where the pastor failed to mention God even once during the service. The Bible was never opened…no God, Jesus or Holy Spirit. I hopped right on out of there.
@ Tara and Kyle….”Steeple Chase” made me laugh out loud! I live in Nashville and am guilty of steeple chasing for about a year before settling down.
–You left because there were no recognizable recording artists in the congregation. +1
Im in college and have done the church hopping… one of the deal breakers for me is the powerpoint. I did powerpoint at my home church for years and it drives me crazy when people cant run it worth a darn or do it the most difficult way possible… it makes me want to go help them out and show them a few tricks, but thats a litle awkward when u have never been there before.
I have a fake person name I have left over from working at various churches… she was always the first person to sign up for potlucks and workdays… I use that name when I visit churches. The funniest mail I ever got from a church I didn’t normally attend was for my fake person to come give blood. I wanted to call them and tell them she was a real joiner but she had no follow through.
I check to see if there is enough room between rows/chairs to jump around and freakishly raise hands in praise without backhanding the nice lady next to me who just told me I remind her of her grandson +2
True story, the church I currently attend…I was a seeker and they were sensitive. The first service we all held hands to pray. I randomly sit in the back (I think this is required first time) and got to hold hands with the most attractive and friendly female in the church for 10 minutes, she just kept holding hands and so did I! I’ve been attending for 6 months now
Naughty thoughts at church +7
*You wear “heathen” clothing (what that would be you can only imagine) so that someone may ask you if you need to get saved – +3
I’ve been to a church where the sermon was, like, ten minutes – hardly anything, but the worship was so awesome and the presence of God was heavy! That makes me want to go back in the worst way. Only I couldn’t go back because it was far away from home.
I must have missed out, big time, JON!
I never church hopped….
The book Flabbergasted by Ray Blackston is about a group of singles who church hop to find a date. That’s got to be worth at least three points, right?
what if you leave halfway through the service?
dh and i went to a new church on sunday and left after 35 minutes. granted, it was PACKED and we could not get a seat and i am 7 months pregnant and was getting leg cramps from standing in heels. but.
and yes, i wore heels. it was only supposed to be for about 2 hours and i expected to be sitting for most of that time. besides, who doesn’t give up their seat for the pregnant lady?!? and in church no less!
Pulling the PK card to avoid answering any questions about myself +4 points: In my church hopping I found that I could get out of any uncomfortable new church situation by saying, “oh, my dad is a pastor” People would immediately assume I’d fit right in and leave me alone. hint: don’t buy it for a second…PK’s need church-love too
True story: Back when my hubs and I were church hoppers (okay, church shoppers is more accurate) I made the mistake of filling out a visitors card…
Three nights later, 3 very sweet little old ladies show up at our door. Picture this: our daughter (8 months old at the time) is in nothing but a diaper. She had dried food on her belly and face as she had just eaten and I had not gotten her into the bathtub yet. I’m looking even better with my messy hair up in a scraggly ponytail, ripped sweats and wait for it…a t shirt from my college days that has a picture of car keys on it with a slash through it and it reads “No thanks, I’m drinking!”. Our house was a wreck because the baby had kept me hopping and I hadn’t cleaned house yet. The little old ladies were quite gracious, but I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
I will NEVER fill out a visitor’s card again. Or maybe I’ll just slip them a fake address, I haven’t decided yet
maybe you could add a link to your other website, the one that helps people finding a church
If you do a quick scan for the back door during the closing prayer so you can make a quick getaway without having to shake the pastor’s hand after the service. +2
Any points for being asked quietly by a regular congregant to put on a sport coat (off of the clothes-for-the-underdressed rack) to comply with the invisible dress code?
Happened to a guy I work with. I wish somebody would pull that on me so I could casually mention that we’re worshiping a homeless dude.
I don't really agree with the idea that being in college = lack of commitment to church. When I was in college, I was a member of a relatively small church, and many of the people who gave the most of their time and resources volunteering for the church were college students. So while that might be the case for some, one can't assume that it's the same for all.
BTW, my score is 7. I've been more of a church-hopper post college than during college, mainly b/c I've moved put of town a few times. I probably church-shopped the most when I spent a year living back at home last year. Since I didn't grow up in the church and I didn't like my parents' church, I shopped around a lot. After a few months, I finally did find a church that fit me and I could be of use, and while there I got involved with small group and youth group, but then I got a job and I ended up moving again.
One other thing is this…sometimes we think we know what we need from a church, but it might not be what God has in mind, and we might want to think more in a mindset of how we can serve instead of just what we can get. When I moved back to my current city, I was convinced I needed a church w/a singles group. I went to three of these churches, but it didn't work (two of these churches had singles groups that were really for college kids and I'm 28, the other was for very elderly singles).
I found my current church through a friend that I didn't even know was a Christian (I had lost touch w/her for a while and when I moved back to town, she told me). This small church doesn't have a singles group, but it is a perfect fit for me because it's a welcoming yet tight-knit community, it's doctrinally sound, and the best thing is that I have opportunities to be involved and to serve.
In a few minutes, your article will be linked to mine. This was funny and so true!
[...] The Church Hopping Score Card [...]
“CORE” FAMILY TURNOVER
While most pastors and religious analysts have written off this event as a pertaining an element of a culturally shallow/self-centered church hopper…as a layman, I thought I would try to explain it from a personal perspective experienced first-hand over the years and through close friends. Perhaps a more “professional” analysis would suffice, but sometimes it’s just simple thoughts that give a matter better clarity.
Why “core” families leave the church:
•Families lose their “personal touch” and relationship they had once enjoyed with their leaders
•Families feel less important than they used to be
•Families feel used and or “used up”
•When the church “business” becomes a “church business”
•When church takes on “successful” business practices and becomes a successful church business
•When I’m no longer your “brother” or “sister” but a human resource for your organization
•When “BIG “ breeds bureaucracy and politics – getting things done becomes just too frustrating
•When what once was a joy is now another “job”
•When processes begin to replace relationships
•When committees replace relationships
•When leaders become less and less accessible
•When leadership communication goes “down” but little comes back up
•When a new leader emails you and says “Thanks for your help, but I’m taking over”
•When church (corporate) “branding” supersedes church (corporate) “loving”
•When more effort is spent on marketing the brand than disciplining
•When that begins to sound like “It’s our way or the highway”- not God’s way
•When church becomes a “stage production”
•When I don’t fit your “economic” status anymore, and feel “less valuable”
•When I can’t “perform” right now because my life is under sedge and I’m no longer valuable
•When Leaders are asked to lead outside of their gifting and fail/or are “fired”
•When I am wondering, “Where are you when I really needed you?”
•When families need a “barn-raising” they get a band aid or “told you so”
•When I needed you to “cover” me…. you exposed me
•When you can’t really say what you mean anymore since it doesn’t fit the “theme” of the church
•When your wife no longer is interested in going to church she once loved
•When your daughter is no longer interested in going to church she once loved
•When the man’s best friends start leaving for the same reasons
•When families feel like church is another job, and they want to be part of a family
•When families that should never fail, collapse in the midst of the “protective camp”
I never really have fit into a “corporation” but I’ve always felt right at home in a family. That’s because healthy families aren’t “professional” they are “touchable.” People come/go from corporations every day, but healthy families are very difficult to leave.
[...] Jon Acuff wrote about it at his wildly popular ‘Stuff Christians Like” blog. [...]