#530. Buying a new bible. (The 9 easy questions you need to ask yourself.)
Apr 27th by JonWhen friends tell me it’s hard to pick a new Bible because there are so many choices, I say “Poppycock!”
Then they say, “Why am I friends with you?”
And I say, “Because when I become a famous Christian I’ll take you as my guest to the Dove Awards.”
And then they say, “Seriously, why am I friends with you?”
Then I say, “Ahh fiddlesticks!” And the whole thing kind of spins out of control from there with me continuing to yell old timey swear words and them continuing to question the validity of our friendship. But, I stand by that initial “poppycock” because picking out a new Bible isn’t difficult. You go to the store and buy one or you liberate the one that’s in the drawer of your bedside table at a hotel. Two steps and you’re done. That’s even easier than that Plain White T’s song that Atlanta radio stations are playing approximately 92 times a day right now.
And to prove my point, I went to a local Christian book store and came up with the “9 questions you need to ask before you buy a Bible.”
Here they are:
1. Do you like to read your Bible while at the same time being invisible to the naked eye?
What you thought I was going to start with NIV vs. KJV? That’s too easy, let’s get into the real issues: How often do you plan on reading your Bible in the woods while being completely camoflauged? Because if you’re like me, and you want to get out in the woods, cover yourself in mud like Arnold in “Predator” and cling motionless to a tree while reading Habakkuk you’re going to need a Bible that is enrobed in Camo. Fortunately I saw one called “Mossy Oak Brand Camo Holy Bible.” I agree, it’s a little weird that the word “Brand” got top billing over the word Bible, but you wouldn’t want someone confusing this Bible with one of the other camo manufacturers.
2. Do you want a Bible that would make sense in the movie “Red Dawn?”
I thought the Mossy Oaks Bible was tough until I heard a Bible on another shelf giggling at it’s girly ways. I’m of course talking about the Outdoor Bible
3. Do you care about the sex of your Bible?
Yikes, I meant the “gender” of your Bible. Do you care if you get a lady Bible or a dude Bible? There are options you know. The easiest way to tell the difference is by color. Lady Bibles all come in pink and dude Bibles all don’t. Plus the name’s are different too. Lady Bibles are named pleasant, like “True Identity” and “Hugs Bible for Women.” Dude Bibles all have names that sound a little red bully, like “Strive.”. (And don’t just assume because you’re a dude you buy a Dude Bible. As latin sensation Bryan Adams sang, “To really love a woman, you read her Bible.”)
4. How skinny do you want your Bible to be?
We’ve given Bibles some serious body image issues. Go ahead and join the skinny Bible mania but please make sure you know exactly how skinny you want that word of God to be. Some Bibles promise thinness but you can tell they haven’t really worked their core out as hard as they should. Trust me, you can tell. Here are the options I found: ultrathin, trimline, thinline, ultraslim and compact text. Me personally? I’m waiting for the ultratrinslim Diet Rock Star edition.
5. Do you care about color?
If the answer is no, then get the straight up black, gray or brown editions. Expect a little more flair from your Word of God? How about Camel and Chocolate? Too much flair? How about a calming orchid plum. Of course if you want to show your support of Stuff Christians Like, you can always get a Bible in Razzleberry. I’m not kidding, this is real and this is real awesome.
6. How big do you want the print?
If you’ve got bad eyesight or just prefer to have it seem like everyone in the Bible is yelling at you, “MY NAME IS RUTH!” fear not because you’ve got some options. I have to admit I initially misread one version I saw as “Giant Panda.” It’s actually “Giant Print” although for a second I thought to myself, “Finally, Wycliffe Bible Translators have translated a version of the Bible for the Giant Pandas.” And I felt pretty good about recommending that option to you until I saw that there was a version called “Super Giant Print
7. Are you an airmen?
I know, I know, I’m hitting all the important questions right now. I’m kind of on a streak. But there’s actually something called “The Airman’s Bible” and it offers a “special prayer and devotional section for Air Force personnel.” Do the Marines have their own Bible? The Coast Guard? My assumption is that it’s got all the passages about us having our strength renewed like the eagle highlighted with a little note that says, “See, right there. That’s God talking to us. Beat Navy!”
8. Do you want it illustrated?
I’m not talking Frank Miller Sin City style, although he alone could do justice to some of the violence in the Old Testament, but do you want pictures? The store I went to had two different illustrated options which were pretty much the same thing anyway: The Thomas Kinkade Edition and the Manga Edition
9. Do you want Max Lucado to read it to you?
I’m kidding, that I’m aware there’s not a Max Lucado audio version of the Bible available. But you can buy the Max Lucado version of the Bible or the John Maxwell version or the John MacArthur version. (I just realized that John Maxwell is kind of the nexus between “Max Lucado and John MacArther.” Interesting.) If you dig those three guys you can get their Bible. I doubt Zondervan will ever give me my own version of the Bible but maybe they’ll take me up on my proposal to do a version of “The Shack” starring Shaquille O’Neal. I’d call it “the Shaq.” I think 1,987 other Christians have already realized that The Shack sounds like Shaq, but my idea is different because instead of God being a woman, NBA star Larry Johnson, who used to dress up like his grandma in commercials for Converse sneakers, would be in it. And Shawn Kemp, the reign man would be in it too but only because he’s out of work and very available. And the soundtrack would be done by Terence Trent D’Arby. Wow, two free gold ideas in one post. Mangkade and the Shaq. Why don’t I have a multi-book deal and pants made of hollowed out diamonds stuffed with gold yet?
Hopefully in addition to learning something, you’ve found that it’s a lot easier to pick a new Bible then people try to say it is. Sure, if you search on Amazon
How did you pick your Bible?
Comments
i recently snagged a study bible from a christian book store. oh, that makes it sound like i stole it. i didnt i just picked one out the other day. study bibles are hard to choose from. i went with the apologetics study bible. i hadnt heard of the translation which was holeman translation but ravi zacharias helped with commentary for it so i figured if its good enough for ravi its definitely good enough for me
When the lights go down for the sermon in church (to create a “spiritual” mood), it’s impossible to read a paper Bible. Enter the Laridian Bible for Blackberry which, of course, is backlit. You do have to show everyone around you that you’re actually reading the Bible or they’ll think you’re doing your grocery list or texting your golf buddies.
The Sacred Sandwich did a visual of The Shaq a few weeks back:
http://sacredsandwich.com/archives/3335
Very funny. Bad, bad book.
you forgot to ask the question: do you want to appear super smart at bible study? because if you do, you totally want a self study bible or some form of notage. I, like many good Lutherans I know, have a Concordia NIV Self Study Bible. But I also have a super small, pretty brown leather gold edging ESV that I appreciate for the portability of it.
also I laughed out loud at this post about 10 different times.
I really need a new Bible. My wife threw a pillow at me the other night, knocked my glass of tea over, and splashed it all over the book of Proverbs. Which is ironic, since at the time she was refusing to share the covers and therefore not being the Proverbs 31 wife I know and love.
The Outdoor Bible looks like my best choice. Because this sort of thing is bound to happen again.
“Latin sensation Bryan Adams”…oh dear.
I’m a little old school. I prefer just “Bible,” “Holy Bible,” or “The Bible,” or if it’s got multiple languages then whatever explanation is necessary to show that. Everything else is out. It annoys me that I own a “Serendipity” Bible “For Groups.” (it was a gift) What does that mean? Is that somehow different than a normal Bible? What happens if I read it on my own? One thing I will never own is a Bible with someone else’s name on it. I don’t care if the “author” is about to be called straight up to heaven like Elijah, I just can’t do it.
@Jeffrey,
Good catch! I guess I didn’t run it through the Berean Debugger.
@Nick,
Yep, just a code snippet. We would definitely need to define some stuff up front. We could call that section “The Operational Systematic Theology”. Or OS Theology for short.
@Koffijah,
Yes, I love having a PDA Bible. Very handy.
Wow, am I a nerd or what?
Huck – I think we can safely elimate “or what”.
I wonder what God thinks about all our trendy Bibles. Which one do you think He would pick?
I’ve never bought myself a Bible, the ones I have were all gifts from friends. Probably the coolest one is the one my best friend gave me when we graduated high school. I told her once about how I wanted a new Bible and roughly what size and such, it just sort of caem up, and then she went and got me one with my name on the cover… very sneeky.
I keep my bible in my purse, so it needed to take a lickin and keep on tickin.
So, I was actually one of those people to buy the, “Indestructbale bibles” 
It’s metal on the outside, stays together by a magnet, and says, “thirsty” etched into the cover along with an imprint of the top of a soda can.
Kinda cheesy? Maybe… but that bible’s lasted me years takin it everywhere. I even lent it to a friend who went to Africa on a mission trip!
As long as we’re planning the OS Theology version of the Bible, I’d like to put in my 2 cents for the last line of 1 John 1:9 to be something more like:
God.cleanses(you.unrighteousness);
just a thought
You forgot the most important question. Do you want Johnny Cash to read the Bible to you? Yes, there is a Johnny Cash Audio Bible, NKJV!
I ask my grandmother for Bibles of differing varieties for Christmas and she always comes through with the perfect choice that fits within the guidelines I gave her. Yeah, Grammie is the best Bible-picker-outer out there.
@alejeather,
Good idea.
I’m about to write a design document for a new version of a software application. Maybe I need to post it to SCL for review instead of passing it to QA.
I wanted NIV, since that’s what my church used, and I wanted something that would fit in my purse… so I looked by translation and size. I love my Bible…
and to top it off… it’s red! Very nice!
I would suggest http://www.logos.com/gold if you really can’t make up your mind. Not only can you read approximately 39578236 translations side by side, you can also instantly look up what words are used in Greek and Hebrew.
If that’s not enough it also comes packed with about a lot of commentaries on the Bible as well as a vast assortment of other books as well.
It also has the UBS commentaries on the Bible showing why books were translated as they have been translated.
Ok, so I had planned to work with Wycliffe and be a Bible translator, and that passion gets out of hand sometimes.
Obviously, you’ve done your homework and painted a realistic picture of the wide (and sometimes, hilarious) selections that are offered. First of all, thanks for suggesting that you go to your local Christian bookstore. As a Christian retailer, we really appreciate the referral in these tough economic times. Too bad that you used the “A” word (Amazon) in your last paragraph, however!
I read in a newspaper a few years ago that someone translated the whole Bible into limericks. Now that would be an interesting translation!
xx
So what are the Approved ways to get rid of a Bible? When I first went away to college, my former youth pastor’s family took me to church in a Houston suburb. At the time, this church would give every single first-time visitor a ginormous white Bible. I’m serious, this thing is HUGE. It’s just a monstrosity, a curiosity. And I don’t want it. But I don’t know the proper way to dispose of it. Donating it to a thrift store seems wrong – especially where I live, I worry somebody would buy it and turn it into altered (desecrated) art or something. Any advice?
wv: judessoc – people who improperly get rid of Bibles get a lifetime membership in the Judas Society [okay, it's a stretch...]
This is so funny! I work in a Christian bookstore, and I know exactly which Bibles those are. I made me feel so good after a long day in the store. I just needed that laugh at what I do and the products that I sell. This made my day!
I have a Quest Bible in NIV. My bff had one and I wanted one. My sister in law got me the strangest gift ever from Wal-Mart and once I returned it, it was the same price as my much coveted Bible!! But I did go for the cheapest hardback edition. I’ve had it 3 or 4 years and absolutely love it.
I think I’d need to pray for a hedge of protection if I owned that super giant print bible!
a reference to both “Red Dawn” AND “Mr. Mister”?!
awesome.
I’ll give up my old Black Leather, gold edge, red letter KJV Bible when they pry it from my cold dead hands…….;)
this is so funny, Pam please look at this http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/07/333-john-mayer-secular-chris-tomlin.html
Jon,
I’m not trying to self-promote here, but if there would be any way you could read my blog and pass it along, I’d be honored.
A friend of mine lost her mother today, and I just ask that any of your readers who can offer up their prayers for her and her family.
Thanks.
My bible, a New International version, was given to me by my grandmother in 1981, when I was a freshman in college. I was already separating from the church at that point, and I think she knew it. Being a lifelong Christian, she always urged me, ‘Honey, go to church!’ which mainly just made me feel guilty. But I loved her very much, and I kept that bible with me as I moved through college dorms, apartments and five different cities, sitting on the shelf unread.
My life outside of church took me to some dark places. Although I had a loving wife and a great career, I chose to become lost in drugs and alcohol in an attempt to fill the hole in my heart. When I became desperate enough, I hit my knees and asked for God’s help to get sober. I surrendered to God’s will and asked Him to show it to me and give me the strength to carry it out. He answered with way more than I asked for.
He lead me to that bible, and to a specific book to get started on my reading (James 1-6). It’s a long story, but I believe he clearly communicated this to me. Soon after, He put a wonderful church in front of me that I have joined, where I am at home again. I think it’s interesting that we use the NIV in our services.
I believe he is calling me into service to help others recover from drugs and alcohol, and His plan for me is being revealed each day as I learn more about the biblical roots of the 12 step movement and work the steps. I have already been blessed to share my story with my pastor and members of my church.
Every time I hold that bible in my hands, I am reminded that my grandmother, who passed twenty years ago, is happy that I have finally come home. I open it and see her handwriting in the inside cover ‘To Byron from Nana and Pop with love’. How can I be anything but grateful and in awe of God’s grace?
relevant magazine already pinpointed the whole shaq-shack similarity. you can check it out in … one of the last three magazines. i’m a little rusty.
MessengerCorps- I think I have the same Bible as you. I’ve never thought to call it the “Extra Spiritual Version”! I love that.
I’m still waiting for the:
Sasquatch Bible!
–BF
Epic Post! I love the John Maxwell, MacArthur,Max Lucado parallel.
I think I have 75% of all the Bible translations ever published, but since I stumbled on (blessed) Kregel’s reprint of The Companion Bible nearly 20 years ago, it’s the one that’s never far from my hand.
Words fail me in trying to describe it. It is a Bible reference library in itself. If you want to see what I mean, go to the site listed below, click on “look at files” and look at a page or two. It will separate the men from the boys, if nothing else. The 199 appendices are yet another library in themselves.
http://www.companion-bible.com/
Trust me; this IS one you’re going to want in the Large Print edition. You’re also going to want one of those little things you stick in the spine with at least five different color ribbons.
Anyone looking for a Bible, please check it out. It is truly a magnum opus.
(sharongracepjs, your Bible-shelving solution is my best laugh of the month.)
I chose my Bible because it had a colourful green and blue cover and was called the “Extreme Teen Bible.” Then I got it home and realised it was NKJV when I would have preferred NIV.
Dang yo, I consider myself pretty strong-bladdered, but I think this post made me pee a little….thanks jerk!
Jon, you are so right! You just go into a Bible bookstore and tell the clerk you want a Bible – - IF you have a couple of days of extra time to kill!
So I just said I’ll take one of each. After watching the way they reproduce these things in mind-numbing multiples of options, I realized, (too late), that I would now be working the rest of my life to pay for the purchase, which took two semi-trailers to transport home. And when we took them inside, I found that I can no longer get inside the door to read them. So now I am looking for a bigger house, but without my Realtor’s Bible to help me…sigh.
So I’m an American with an English Standard Version, translated from the Hebrew and Greek, and small enough to fit in my pocket since I now live in my car. Would have liked that ESV Study Bible, but I think they put it in my bedroom…or what was my bedroom before it became the 21st Century translations wing of my new Library of Bibles.
Reminds me of a book my brother gave me called, “$3.00 worth of God”. So I went back to the bible bookstore and got a really nice keychain for $3.00 that has John 3:16 on the tag…the reference, not the quote.
What a bargain!
Hilarious, as always, Prodigal John.
On a serious note, just a reminder for your readers that we English-speakers have such a luxury of so many translations to choose from. More than 2,000 language groups around the world don’t have a single verse translated into their own language!
(Check out theseedcompany.org or wycliffe.org.)
But as my Calvinist friends are so quick to remind me, we don’t exactly choose a Bible.
Wow! I actually just looked for a Marines bible on Amazon and found one. My brother is in Marine’s boot camp right now, and the Lord has really been pursuing him hard this past year. I’m going to get this for him and give it to him when he gets home in July.
Thanks for doing this post, other wise I would have never known such a bible existed!
Hey, my brother is a Sasquatch, too. I searched on Amazon for a Sasquatch Bible for him and there were none! What is a Bigfoot to do?
I guess he’ll have to become a Marine.
Hahahahahahaha. Brilliant! You can pick the entries that go in your book by the number of comments people make. When it’s a really good one, lurkers like me are compelled to chime in.
Keep the funny rolling!
All of my Bibles were gifts. And I keep and read all of them. Most of the Bibles I’ve gotten myself … I’ve take from hotels.
Shout out to Gideons!!
So, I clicked on your link to the Super Giant Print Bible, and what did I find?
*Click here for larger image*
Just bought a new bible because I lost mine in a foreign country. I like mine to have plenty of flex and a Jedi grip if possible
I kept it simple and filched it from a hotel room. Thanks, Gideons!
My dad works for the Bible division of a Christian publisher and has for years. When I was a kid, they came out with a Bible so small it came with a magnifying glass. It was seriously unreadable without it. I don’t think that one lasted too long but you could fit it easily into any pocket. We’re talking New AND Old Testament here.
That was too good, Jon!
I’m trying to remember how many bibles I have now…
1. Online at biblegateway.com (usually use the NIV translation, but sometimes reference it)
2. Max Lucado Devotional Bible (NKJV). Has little sidebar devotions. Although now that I’ve read it through a few times, the devotions seem kind of dry even when the word doesn’t. It’s the only time I’ve ever crossed something out (in the sidebar, not the main text) because it conflicted with what the Bible says…
3. Old school NIV study bible that my dad had. I love it because it has his hilighting and mine in it, side by side. Such a legacy of faith. It’s in a cover, duct taped up and still falling apart, but I plan on keeping it for the rest of my life and passing it on to my son.
4. Pocket sized NIV (NT, Psalms and Proverbs) which travels in my backpack – I used to travel with a complete pocket size, but gave it away to someone who had no bibles. This is the one I can give away if needed.
I was O_o when I first read 'manga Bible', and then I remembered going Bible shopping last month and the existence of a manga Bible no longer seemed at all odd. They have a Bible aimed at pretty much anything and everything else kids and teens could possibly have an interest in, so why *not* one with manga?
I can understand having different sized Bibles, large print Bibles, Bibles that are simplified for kids, parallel Bibles, and study Bibles. Ones with devotionals aimed at each gender is a good idea. There's one geared for notetaking that, when you open it up, has the verses on the left and a blank page on the right. Its design is modeled on moleskin notebooks, apparently.
The number of different types of Bibles out there today boggles my mind and I've wondered more than once if things are getting a little overboard. No, scratch that. They already are overboard. The kids/teens section is nuts. I get wanting to assert that you're hip and young and fresh and your own person and you don't want a Bible that looks like your parents'. I understand having a devotional Bible geared for younger age groups. Do we really need the Adventurer's Bible and The Girly Girl's Bible and the Hip Chick's Bible and the Becoming a Man Bible and the camo-covered Warrior of God Bible, and all the other 'variation of a theme' Bibles?
Kat(i)e is right; nine questions isn't enough with the number of different Bibles out there. I saw at least two different types of women's devotional Bibles for each different translation, such as Devotions for Women 1 and Devotions for Women 2. What, they couldn't have printed a separate devotional with the new articles to compliment the already-existing Devotions for Women Bible? The only difference between some other women's Bibles is the different articles in them. Big whoop. We do not need a whole new edition of the NIV, for example, because someone wanted to put more devotinals for women out there. What seems to happen is one Bible is set aside for one with only superficial differences and it collects dust and sits unused, and then the one that was previously novel is placed on top because it was replaced by yet another Bible with a different novelty, and so it goes. How many Christians, I wonder, truly appreciate how incredibly blessed we are to have Bibles not only easily available, but also in different translations and a plethora of different editions? If we need to replace our Bible, we take it for granted we can get another one and our only thoughts are for when we have time to go buy one and if we have enough money right now or do we need to wait until payday. People complain if there's a limited selection of translations and editions. If that's not telling God His blessings aren't good enough, I don't know what is.
This is getting way too long so I'll stop. I can't speak for other First World nations, but here in America, Christians take for granted how good we have it and we whine and moan and gripe over the most trivial things (myself included). Maybe the current economic crisis, among other things, is God's way of smacking people upside the head with the Clue By Four to shake us out of our collective materialistic daze.
If you want one that your can read through in less than a year, get the "Reader's Digest' version – no kidding (I have a copy), it cuts out all the duplications thru the books, no chapter divisions etc. Reads quite well.
I was really freaked out when I saw an add for a teen girls Bible that comes in a bag. The ad calls it "too cute." When did we make the Bible cute and then "TOO" cute?
My main Bible is a Thompson Chain Reference NIV. But my husband and I collect a lot of translations for research. We have about 40-plus English ones, plus various versions of some of those and a bunch of foreign language ones.
Obviously, we don't spend time choosing, just time working to pay for all of them.