#536. Having a very specific idea of what certain people from the Bible looked like.
May 5th by Jon
A mustache? I’m far from being an Old Testament scholar but I’m pretty sure it was against ancient Hebrew tradition to just rock the stache. Sure instead of Jubilee the Israelites could have celebrated a “mustachio bashio” and that would have been delightful, but back in the day it was all facial hair or no facial hair. The mustache never made a solo cameo.
And glasses? I’m sure they had those back then, but those look like some sort or evolution of the Rob Bell glasses. That guy should be at a Kings of Leon concert, not stepping off of the ark.
But perhaps the craziest thing of all is the curly sideburns. Am I supposed to imagine Noah spent most of his time inside the ark styling those things? “Hmm, too curly. Let me just try a little more tar, there, perfect. Flipped up high enough to say, ‘I’m cool, I like to keep it fun, I didn’t forget to grab the weird animals like the anteater,’ but not so curled that it looks like I can’t handle business. I built the freakin’ ark. Like the Flight of the Conchords, Noah knows what to do when it’s business time.”
Taken together as a package, Noah’s head looks like how I imagine somehow that stockpiles bodies not animals. Creepy.*
Am I the only one that does this? Am I the only one that has a mental picture of what someone from the Bible looks like? If you saw a red headed rendition of King David, would you do a double take? (Don’t tell me that it’s impossible for David to have been red headed, or I’ll throw the God card and say “nothing is impossible for God.”)
If I’m not the only one that does this, let’s play a little game.
If you had to cast the Bible movie, who would you choose for the following roles:
Noah =
Moses =
Paul =
David =
Goliath =
*If you look exactly like this photo, please don’t be insulted. Who am I to judge your head? I have a unibrow. Seriously, if you’re red headed, with glasses, beady little eyes and curled sideburns, we’re cool. Promise.
I guess not many people saw the Movie; Michael – played by John Travolta, where...
Comments
Um, excuse me? David was totally a redhead! Don’t you read the Bible?
1 Samuel 16:12 says, “Now he was ruddy, with bright eyes, and good-looking.”
Definition of “ruddy” from Merriam-Webster.com–”having a healthy reddish color; red, reddish.”
Eric Stoltz, my friend. Eric Stoltz.
Jerry – Jon Acuff
Kramer – Nick The Geek
George – Curtis Honeycutt
Elaine – Me (GET OUT!!!!)
Wrong list but I don’t care.
fantastic post, but I’m not gonna lie, I think my favorite part was the Kings of Leon reference!
I think I had to do something like this for school…this is harder than I thought. So many people are not pulling off the beardde look these days.
Noah = I agree with Michael Gambon
Moses = Not Charelton Heston…Ian McKellon
Paul = Richard Gere (with a beard)
(young)David =Moisés Arias (kid from Hannah Montana)
Goliath = Dwayne Johnson (a little perdictable, but come on…
Noah- Ewan McGregor. Although, if I were to go for a look-alike based off of the puzzle, it would be Rob Bell. The story of Noah’s Ark would turn into a giant Nooma video, it would be epic.
Moses- Christopher Lee (Saruman from Lord of the Rings)
Paul- Liam Neeson
David- Billy Boyd (Pippin from Lord of the Rings).
Goliath- WWE wrestler, The Big Show
I smell an oscar with this cast.
Noah = Sean Connery
Moses = Ian McKellen
Paul = Liam Neeson
David = Brad Pitt (like he looked in Troy…yummy!)
Goliath = Vin Diesel
Noah = Will Smith
Moses = Harrison Ford
Paul = Zach Braff
David = Kiefer Sutherland
Goliath = Mr. T
Well, regardless of the cast, they will all need to speak the Queen’s English to make it authentic. At least that’s the lesson I’ve learned from historical movies.
I am priveledged in that growing up my father always played Jesus. he posed for paintings for Ron DiCianni as jesus, was in a couple films, passion plays, etc. This was a side job too, not like his full time gig. So, he was often called “Tom Jesus” by my friends little siblings or other such names. My favorite though is when my 5 year old (at the time) brother was given a new children’s illustrated Bible and he quickly rejected it because, “Dad, this Jesus looks nothing like you.” True story.
Noah = Steve Carrell
Moses = Charlton Heston
Paul = Anthony Hopkins
David = Richard Gere
Goliath = George Eastman
Noah-Robert Duvall,Moses-Charleton Heston(deceased), Paul-Mel Gibson, David-Clint Eastwood, Goliath-Andre the Giant (wrestler)
Easy
Noah-One of the ZZ Top guys (or they could do with what they did with the Olsen twins on Full House and have them both play Noah, just alternate them)
Moses-Harry Caray
Paul-Jason Alexander
David-Ben Stiller
Goliath-Shaq (Yes, Shaqiath)
Reading the Bible for several decades, I’ve always had a somewhat generic “old testament character” in my head, except for maybe Goliath.
So I don’t mind if the same actor plays all the roles, not unlike the updated versions of the classics that appear in the movie, “Be Kind, Rewind.”
2 things:
1. That is the awesomest picture ever.
2. Typing in “stuffchristianslike.com” takes you to a website for ‘55 – ‘57 Chevy’s. Weird.
Also, I just realized that there are 3 f’s in stufff in your URL. No wonder I couldn’t find you without my Reader.
Noah = Jason Seigel with a gray beard
Moses = Leonardo DiCaprio
Paul = Paul Rudd
David = Jay Baruchel (PMK, Tropic Thunder, Knocked Up)
Goliath = That big guy from Adam Sandlers version of the Longest Yard Dalip Singh
Can I make a totally random observation??
You have a very, unique group of followers and commentors. Its almost as if they are commenting directly to you and only to you.
On other blogs people make comments with the full expectation that everyone commenting will read their comments and maybe make some blogging buddies along the way and everyone will get a kick out of their zany antics.
Not so with your followers.
And it seems as if they try to give the illusion to an exclusive inside joke that only your *true* fans will understand.
ANd if you ever follow the commentors back to their own blogs, rarely do they write in the same sarcastic corny intellectual way there that they do in their comments here.
Its like its all for You. Like they want to continually impress You.
FYI I am capitalizing You instead of using italics.
Just an observation.
Another random thought-You should come up with a list of words that super intelligent people should’t use if they can’t spell them.
Like psuedo. If thats how you spell it.
*Not super intellectual
*Bad speller
*Think you blog and all commenters are neat
God bless-
Amanda
Dude, this is right up my alley!
Noah = Ian McKellen (nice wise face).
Moses = Paul Giamatti (gentle stammerer a la Lady in the Water).
Paul = Kiefer Sutherland (decisive but humble a la 24).
David = Kevin McKidd (yeah, he’s a redhead. Bible says he was ruddy.)
Goliath = Hulk Hogan (a la Rocky 3).
I have a deck of Bible Trivia cards from a dollar store. On one of the cards, there’s a picture of Jesus with a basket of fish; his hair is medium brown, but his beard is clearly blonde. Maybe he bleached it with lemon juice?
When I told a college student I was working with that Jesus wasn’t white, her response to me was, “Yes he is! I’ve seen the pictures!!”
I think what is most surprising to me about the Noah picture is that it appears he had access to hair dye. How else could he have a black mustache and red hair? With that mustache and the glasses, he looks like a con man trying to hijack the ark.
Amanda (about 5 posts back…)
Some of us come here to let loose. We would never be silly on our own blogs. SCL is the “Happy Hour” of Christian blogs.
Noah = Richard Attenborough
Moses = Criss Angel
Paul = David Carradine
David = Dominic Monaghan
Goliath = Danny Trejo
Noah = kevin costner, from his role in waterworldMoses = tom selleck. come on. moses was a rebel, and he must have had an amazing mustache during the mustachio bashio.
Paul = this guy looks like he could have taken a beating, and he is pretty smart, and obviously has no fear of dinosaurs. much like paul himself.
also, i picture this guy in my mind when i think of judas.
i ran out of time to do the others…
No intelligent comment here. But I just thought I would share the word verication with all of you.
You can all define it yourselves:
pyraying
Ooo, I see certain faces as well. But I see David as having black hair…
Moses = James Earl Jones
Don’t know why… just the first man that came to mind. He’s an authority.
Paul = Pierce Brosnan
I think he has that ‘mysterious’ look Paul needs.
David = Seth Green
Some one small, but with a good sense of humor. I also think he would have that charm women like while also having a bit of ‘little man syndrome.’
Goliath = Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
He’s big and scary, but deep down, I suspect he’s just misunderstood. And I think Seth Green can take him.
Hey, Jon… any chance I can get a shameless plug for a book I’m writing?
It’s called “Motherhood: From Loving It to Hating It and Back Again.”
I need to survey moms for it, and would love a chance to post a link to the survey. If you’d be cool with that, let me know.
orangealli@gmail.com
Thanks!
that is hilarious! I will never forget my child illustrated bible that had dead bodies floating in the water to illustrate the flood. We have come a long way with illustrations. Scared me to death!!
That “Noah” is definitely related to Ned Flanders. NO question about that.
Jennyhope–at least your childrens bible didn’t include Judges 19 A Levite and His Concubine. Now THAT would have been traumatic.
My husband is quite the impersonator, and “business time” is one of his latest songs.
“Oh, I know what yer tryin’ ta say…”
Favorite line: “sort the recyclables…that’s not part of it…but very important…”
Noah= i don’t know an actor that would look like i imagine him , but i imagine him as an older dude with a really fluffy white beard!
( def NOT steve carrel)
Moses= Viggo Mortenson
David= Freddy highmore
Goliath= the real life giant from the princess bride .
That’s why they’re called business socks.
Goliath= Shaq or Yao Ming.
David = Shia La Beuff of the kid that played Zero in the movie Holes.
Moses= Bill Murray
Noah= Jack Hannah
Paul=Tom Hanks.
Marmalady made a comment about the blue bird being a cross between a flamingo & emu – i personally think it's kinda heron like.
As for who i'd have playing who:
Noah: Ian McKellen – he does beards really well
Moses: Patrick Stewart – a good authorative type but v good actor when it comes to loosing it
Paul: Rupert Penry Jones (of UK Spooks fame)
David: James McAvoy
Goliath: Robbie Coltrain in his Hagrid getup
Noah = Robert Duvall
Moses = Gerard Butler
Paul = Russell Crowe
David = Hugh Jackman
Goliath = Michael Clark Duncan
love the flight of the conchords reference. : )
lol. loved reading these comments. And I remember some pretty whacky depictions of Bible characters in my childhood books/Bibles. And for the movie, my suggestions/favorite suggestions thus far have been:
Noah – Ian McKellan
Moses – Sean Connery
Paul – Liam Neeson
David – McDreamy
Goliath – tie between Vin Diesel and Sloth from The Goonies
Noah: Adam West…
I don’t know why, but I think it would work. Do you think the ark had a batpole?
Moses:The Rock or Eugene Levy.
I’m trying to think outside the box, here
Paul: Clint Eastwood…
Seriously, I’ve discussed this with friends. Read Romans and picture Clint delievring those monologues! No nonsense and deadly serious.)
David: me.
I’m not brave like David, but I’m short and could use the work.
Goliath: I’m going with WWE wrestler, “The Big Show” he can’t act, but he’d be impressive in the armor.
http://www.joshuajmasters.com/blog
Noah looks like my Uncle Morty, who may or may not be in the mob, but wears track pants and definitely has too much visible chest hair.
Noah= Rex Harrison with a beard and definitely with that British accent
Moses = Sean Connery, a badder, tougher Moses
Paul = Paul Giamatti (what an actor)
David = Nathan Fillian
Goliath = Hugh Jackman
Noah – Jerry Stiller
Moses – Mel Brooks
Paul (Saul, actually) – Al Pacino
David – The red headed guy who played Dick Williams in the Band of Brothers series. Hey, if he can save Europe surely he can kill Goliath and lead Isrel.
Goliath – Mike Myers, as he can do about anything (reference ‘My Mother is an Axe Murderer’)
“Rob Bell glasses” – priceless!
I don’t really care who plays what part, but I thought the Noah in the Noah’s Ark puzzle was fantastic. I mean, who DOES that look like. The glasses are hilarious. I’m laughing aloud at work, and it’s a problem.
Goliath? How about Jaws from James Bond Movies? or the Giant from Princess Bride.
So, your Kings of Leon and Flight of the Conchords references make me incredibly happy. Just so you know.
Ok, so i came here solely to nitpick for my “homeboy”, Paul, but have others too:
” Matthew said…
I agree that Danny Devito might be a good candidate for the Apostle Paul considering this physical description of him in the Aprocryphal Second Century “Acts of Paul”:
“A man small of stature, with a bald head and crooked legs, in a good state of body, with eyebrows meeting and nose somewhat hooked.”So maybe you’re in good company with the unibrow??
May 5, 2009 8:10 AM”
Keep in mind that Paul, at least in his “golden” years had been no stranger to times of food scarcity, so he might call for a thinner build. After much consideration, i’d go with Armin Shimerman. Unless of course Zacheeus needs an actor, in which case Armin would own that part. Robin Williams also comes to mind.
Noah- Mark Harmon.
Moses- For some reason Richard Schiff keeps coming to the casting call in my mind.
David- Luke Perry for the younger version, David McCallum older.
Goliath- Ted Cassidy.
Samson- Malcolm Jamal-Warner.
So how do you feel about paintings of Adam and Eve with bellybuttons?! I’m convinced they didn’t have any, but every painting and illustration I see of them, there they are! Considering WHY we have them, I don’t see why they would!
oh yeah-i showed the picture of the puzzle to my husband and he said it looked like “pedophile noah.”
is it wrong that that’s pretty funny?
Noah = Charlton Heston
Moses = Charlton Heston
Paul = Charlton Heston
David = Charlton Heston
Goliath = Charlton Heston