SCL

lol. thats why they are harder to replace than pastors…the good news, once you hire a good one…they will be there for the next 100 years…8-10 generations will come back tot he ice cream social when she finally retires.

Phwow, I can’t even imagine having a church big enough to warrant a secretary.

Sadly, not always. I worked as a church secretary in a very dysfuntional set up. The staff didn’t even let me know when they were on leave! I was excluded from staff meetings. You don’t wnat to know any more…

I don’t agree. They would be in the top five, however. Having worked in a church office setting for years, I completely sympathize with this post. Absolutely hilarious! And I would pay good money to watch a good documentary on the life of church secretaries.

When the only church secretary I ever knew concluded her job was too stressful, she decided to take it easy and go to law school. Then run her own law firm. That pretty much tells me what I need to know about the craziness of being a church secretary.

Heck yeah, they’re the most powerul, because they have the power of INTERPRETATION. They (who hate being called “secretaries” and will leg sweep or Skittle-melt anybody who does) can make Andy Stanley or the other Andy (me) look like a goat, a gorilla, or God-like.

Somebody calls the office and asks for an appointment while I’m on the golf course for the first of two times the whole stinkin’ year. She can say, “He’s with the green family at the moment,” OR “He’s puttering around somewhere,” OR “He’s goofing off right now,” OR “He would be delighted to meet with you at your earliest convenience… how does tomorrow look for you?”

Interpretation, friends. Inquiring minds want to know sometimes… what’s it like to work there, or for him/them? All it takes is a roll of the eyes, a snicker, or a desperate get-me-outta-here stare to show who has the last word.

(Totally off the subject, but my verification word is “ficelogy.” Tell me that ain’t what it looks like.

I’ve decided not to attend certain churches because of the attitude of the secretary sometimes. I’m just being honest here.

The fun part of being Youth pastor is the sheer number of arch nemesi (I think that is the plural for nemesis) you can develop. I don’t really consider them enemies but I think they do.

Other fun ways to enrage the church secretary. Try to walk in just before anything is sent to wherever it goes for printing in your church and ask if it’s too late to add something.

Put in a request for weird supplies that she/he’ll have to look through every supply book for and then walk in a couple days later and say, “oh that, yeah I just made one” then hand a wadded up wet receipt for reimbursement.

Wait till the last possible second for all use requests.

Oh and most importantly make up as many words as possible for your bulletin announcements so spell check will go crazy with red lines. “No I want that spelled Xtreem Uth REV-o-luxion.” Just start writing down your word verifications if you need help.

ICE CREAM SOCIAL!

@elizabeth: wow. just, wow.

wv: begalist, the – legal advisor that has had their wisdom teeth surgically removed and thus has trouble articulating properly.

I’m “blessed” to be the youth department secretary for our statewide denominational headquarters. That means that I’m at the beck and call of over 50 youth pastors. It also means that when they want to pull a prank and get it on video, I’m the one that they prank. So far, I’ve been slapped in the face, prank-called, and threatened by chester-cheetah-pajama-wearing terrorists. And I’ve only been here four years…

If they show up here with small woodland creatures, I think I’ll have to use my under-the-desk emergency button to call my janitor who was a Master Sergeant in the Army and swears that he knows sixteen ways to kill a person using only one finger…

I don’t know, I think our financial secretary holds the power!

I visited a venerable downtown church while preparing for an adult ed seminar. Since it was July, I phoned ahead to make sure of the schedule. In clipped, no uncertain terms, I was informed “Worship is ALWAYS at 11:00 AM.” I remarked to my wife that it sounded like it was chiseled in stone. Sure enough, carved (in 1905) into a heraldic shield at the church entrance “Worship 11:00 AM”

Our senior admin assistant makes the impossible happen and makes it look easy and you have to look really hard to find her hand in it.

By the way, such power is seen not only in church offices. As a young engineer in a department of fifty with numerous managers, the secretary informed me, “When the vice president is out of the office, I’M in charge.” She also told me that I was going to be in top management, because of the way my signature looked.

Funny post. I’m the secretary for a church of 600 and 5 ministers, and I can tell you that I am definitely NOT the most powerful person in the church. The thought of taking out the youth minister with a leg swing is quite amusing. I wonder if I could make it look like an accident…:-)

I think the 90 year old deacon at our church is the most powerful man. He gets there at 8am and starts the coffee. Without him, nobody would be awake to hear the message.

I was a church secretary and I had everything but the ultimate power: the pastor’s calendar! I might have sent him on faux lunch dates if I could have LOL there was a panic button at the church, but instead of the janitor,it immediately notified our IT person of impending doom in the server “closet”!

Absolutely, I think the secretary is the most “powerful.”

My experience as a Youth Director has led me to a few conclusions:

1. The church secretary is the one person I refuse to pull a prank on. Regardless of how big/great/genius the prank is, the secretary can always get you back better. Especially if the secretary has access to your sermon notes, announcements, or *gasp* can post things on the church website. Trust me on this one, a rubber snake in the secretary’s desk drawer isn’t worth what she can do to retaliate. Yes, I speak from experience.

2. Being in the office when the secretary is sick or out of town is not fun at all. The phone is always ringing, doorbell always buzzing, it’s hard to be productive on days she isn’t there. Kind of makes me wonder how she gets all her stuff done.

3. To top it all off, my secretary’s husband is my auto-mechanic. He fixes my 12 year old, falling apart car (yet another reason why it is a bad idea to prank her). So not only is she the most powerful person in my church, but among the most powerful in my garage (and wallet).

And I hear her leg sweep is pretty brutal…

#4 has been known to happen simply because of fractured English. A now-retired secretary at our church once put this announcement in the bulletin: “Anyone who left dishes at the last supper can pick them up after church.”…The place roared when pastor read it. Thirty seconds of silence later, the secretary’s wee voice was heard from the back: “Ohhhhhh, I get it.” (Which was even funnier.)

I would add a question 13: “Is the rumor true that you run this place?” Definitely.

Everyone keeps saying “she.” Has anyone ever met a man who was a church secretary?

Or this all-powerful, at times omniscent-esque, job only suitable for the amazing multi-tasking abilities of a woman? *grin*

Just saying.
(I’m a woman, so I might be slightly biased to mock the “in the zone” tendencies of men in the workplace…sorry.)

I am a church secretary.
I don’t know if I’m the most powerful person – Lord knows I don’t think anyone around here would agree with that. Unless, of course, I disappeared.

As for shot blocking volunteers – if I didn’t, I’d now have an entire crocheted wardrobe and I’d eat au gratin potatoes for every meal. Not to mention I’d have no moments of actual peace.

Oh, and the youth minister is my husband. He knows better. My leg sweep is, in fact, quite brutal.

I am an assistant to 3 pastors, and right now one of them is trying to figure out where to put the mannequin head.
I can say that we are powerful, our main church secretary is about to retire (she has been here longer than the pastor) and we’re not sure how we’re going to keep the boat afloat without her here.
It is true that you have to get through us to get to the pastors, and I have the authority to deny your request for an audience with any of my bosses. If you have something to say and cannot tell me, it probably isn’t going to be more than a waste of time for them to hear it.
I know it’s shocking when you call the Pastor’s personal extension and I answer, but there are good reasons.
As far as the crazy button… I wish I had one of those, but it would probably just buzz me.

Take it straight from a church secretary (or Office Administrator as I like to call myself), this list is right on. I have had to deal with my share of crazies, including being physically threatened, being asked to counsel someone I’ve never met when the pastor was busy, and even babysitting random kids I’ve never met while they are meeting with a pastor. People seem to think the secretary has no limits – I’ve also played wedding planner, shower coordinator and finder of a new home to the random stuff people don’t want anymore. Even with all that, I LOVE my job and ministry and couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. I work with a great staff and I have them and my husband on speed dial when a crazy person comes in. I have also been known to just lock crazy people out and get the maintenance man to answer the door. That usually works well!

@ Caroline

Yes, infact we have one…he’s amazing…fixer of all problems. he hasn’t tried to leg sweep me yet…but i haven’t tried any pranks either. knowing the sheer breadth of his job requirements and the number of influencial people he knows in the community…i think if i want to continue to live in this town, it wouldn’t be wise for me to prank him.

WV: rapiena – a short-lived genre of hip hop originating in Vienna.

haha – this was great! I am one of 2 church secretaries for our church that runs 1,000 each week. It definitely is an experience every day! You never know what you are walking into.

Fastest way to aggravate a church secretary:
Church members who search the secretaries out on a Sunday morning during worship to ask them to do something for them that could have been done during the week or even during the next week. But hey. We love nothing more than to work on our day off. Especially when we are trying to worship. So even though I am smiling while I do it, I really am wanting to leg sweep you. Just an FYI.

so much so that I had to send her this post so she could approve my reading list…

I was a church secretary for a few years and this gave me a good laugh It was nice to come back from vacation and see the sigh of relief from the staff

As the youth leader, I come from a long line of guys who have seriously p/o’d the wonderful church secretary. I am proud to say that after a whole year, I don’t *think* that I’ve done anything to upset her. For this reason, it’s entirely possible that we will have female youth leaders forever more.

Hilarious! I am an “Executive Assistant” working for 2 pastors and managing 7 support staff and several volunteers. We do dislike being referred to as “secretary” because we do so much more than typing, filing and answering the phone.
#2 and #3 We do! It sounds an alarm in the hallway to notify church staff and calls the police. Our old janitor was a converted drug addict who weighed about 300 was 6′4 and bald. I watched him put his arm around a guy acting up in church one Sunday – “walked” him out to the prayer room and took him down. No joke!
#5 Never. I will say that when he is on vacation, I finally get somewhat caught up : )
#6 Not currently but there have been other support staff in the past that wore me out. Some women can be very emotional and always feel left out.
#7 The church members who approach me during Sunday morning worship to “let me know” that they emailed me or left a voicemail message and to “make sure I get it”. Don’t appreciate that at all folks – LET ME WORSHIP!
#8 Unfortunately no – but I do have one outside of my office that not many people use we keep special air fresheners and stuff in there.
#9 No but I do see all of his email – for accountability purposes and to help him manage the hundreds of emails he gets everyday. FYI – don’t send cute little “love” forwards with puppies and kittens to the pastor -your grandma would appreciate them more : )
#10 Unfortunatly we have to : (
#11 Maybe the special white van which I hold the keys to.
#12 No ours – his wife cuts his hair. She does a great job. He’s just not a hair product kind of guy.
Love your post!

Probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while!! I was a the secretary of a “megachurch” for 2 years. I knew where the secret bathroom was, had the keys to EVERYTHING, and I didn’t have an “emergency button” but I did have the janitor on speed-dial who doubled as Security!! And backstage the band and worship leaders had a mess of hair products they would use before worship time.

I would post my two cents but fear she would see it with her computer spying abilities and withhold future aid, (i am an associate youth minister and she is the most powerful person in the church and does an incredible job with it so much so that she should have assistants who have assistants.)

Sent this to my church secretary this morning and this was the reply I got back:

"By the way, the “cuckoo emergency button under the desk” is actually a Smith & Wesson in WV. "

Reason #635 why I love living in West Virginia.

@ Rachel:

I totally agree! That is the one thing that bothers me the most. Oh, you need a copy of the sermon from January 11th? I’ll go make one right now! I wasn’t here to worship or anything. No worries!

Ugh. It drives me nuts sometimes!

In the two years that I’ve worked as a ministry assistant though, I have seen God do some AMAZING things! We went from having five pastors on staff with four assistants to one pastor with four assistants in less than nine months. It was stressful, but has been such an amazing testimony of God’s grace and provision!

#1 — church administrative assistant
#2 — you forget we control the doors!
#6 or #7 — ya know those old ladies groups….
#10 — who hasn’t? hehe

@ Rachel – hahaha…yes, that has never happened to me on Sunday.

I would leg sweep Nick the Geek!

Interesting perceptions…I am an executive assistant on a church staff of about 85 in Dallas. Since we have a larger staff (15 of the 85 are also in administrative roles managing their individual ministries and volunteers), most of the functions in this post fall to others. I do feel that I can speak for most of the other girls on our staff with admin jobs and say that pretty much all of the assumptions made here are false. Hopefully we are thought of as warmer individuals than what you all may think!

There are many, many pranks pulled on our staff though (by the youth/students ministry, of course)…and I enjoy both pulling them on others and being the subject of a joke myself!

And please, please try to refrain from the word “secretary”!!

I am a secretary…
1. Doesn’t matter. We are called many things and sometimes it is not very nice.

2. Yes. It looks like a garage door opener, but when pushed the police come running.

3. We do call our maintenance guy before the police.

4. I would love to leave funny messages on purpose. Normally, it is just typos.

5. That is a great idea.

6. Sometimes other secretaries…it is hard to share power.

7. People that point out typos with the attitude that I did it on purpose.

8. Other secretaries have a secret bathroom!!!

9. Another good idea.

10. Usually good for any help I can get; however, there are times that it is necessary.

11. funny.

12. No.

We always appreciate your kind words and help.

My title is “ministry assistant”. I attend, and work for, a small but growing church that currently meets at our local movie theater on Sunday mornings. We also have an evening service, which is how we started out – to reach college students who didn’t want to get up early – in a local church. So we have our office elsewhere and I work there 14 hours a week, or so.

Yes to #10. I try to be really nice about it.

In my case, I’d say I don’t have ultimate power. I might have to hand that title over to the financial guy, who can decide if our budget can afford new computer programs for me or a new storage unit for holding church band equipment. He still hasn’t decided; there’s a budget team that has to decide though mostly it’s on him, but I’m thinking it’s a good thing he’s my friend …

But I know that I’m appreciated, especially after coming back from a mission trip or something. The post made me laugh, as usual.

Actually, the preacher’s wife is the most powerful person in the church.

If the preacher’s wife is also the church secretary, you can just forget about it. She rules the place.

#4 – I’ve been known to hide a message or two in the worship bulletin at the church where I work. (Not the same church I attend.)

I’d leg sweep the person who thinks it’s ok to butcher the newsletter with their red pen and leave in anonymously in the pastor’s in-box. And it’s certainly not nice that most of the “corrections” were font style/color and content “suggestions” and not grammatical errors! Yeah, I’d like to leg sweep them–along with the people who think I work 24/7–don’t send me an email at 8pm on a Friday, asking for something on Sunday morning, and think that it’s going to happen. Ever.

@Andrea

“Good job on programming the sign, but the background that moves? It’s a little distracting.”

I LOVE OUR MINISTRY ASSISTANTS!

I was a church secretary and we did have a “cuckoo person code.” If I ever felt threatened or creeped out by someone who walked in, I could hit the button on the phone that buzzed into all the offices and say “Aunt Susie’s on line 4.” There was no Aunt Susie, so everyone would know I had a situation up front. Worked pretty well without the cuckoo person knowing I thought he was… well, cuckoo.

I am a church secretary (and yes, that is what I go by—if our church were bigger, I might feel “qualified” to embrace the title of “Church Administrative Assitant”)

People I’d like to leg sweep include, but are not limited to:
1) people who use the church service to request or ask something of me. “Folks, I’m trying to worship here, I am NOT on the clock and I have three children to contend with. Call me on Tuesday!!!” (I have Mondays off) I have considered putting in a request to “clock in” for Sunday morning worship, but am pretty sure I’d be denied such a request.
2) People who call me at home at 9 pm asking ME where the Pastor is. “Like I know where he is.” I have begun to screen my calls at home.
3) People who give me corrections/additions to the directory AFTER it is already printed. I gave them 4 months warning to get me that information before the directory went to print. (this is especially annoying is this person hasn’t even stepped foot in church in 3 yrs)
4) People to come back to me with an issue even after I have given them the person’s name to contact with said issue.

I loved your post and have enjoyed reading other church secretaries’ commments. I can relate to many of them.

I once had a phone stalker–it was creepy. He went around calling all the church secretaries in town. I wish I had a “panic button”!!!

Thanks for the post!!

Ok, I’m in. (But only because I loved the heading to your blog!) As the person type you want to answer these questions, I’m more than happy too — where I can. We powerful folks need to keep our secrets, you know.

1. Say “Administrative Assistant”. I correct people *often* and they still don’t get it.

2. No, emergency button but there are code words and gestures.

4. It is absolutely true that I sometimes write funny messages in the bulletin just to see who notices.

5. No but this is a brilliant idea on the offchance that he does tick me off. Hasn’t really happened yet.

6. Um, no comment.

7. Still not commenting.

8. Our church is too small for a secret bathroom. We have two secret couches for secret naps though.

9. I offered to create a “special” folder. We would never direct something directly into the spam folder. That would be very wrong.

10. Yep.

11. We don’t have req forms. *is sad*

12. No!

I am the “Office Manager” of a church that runs about 130 on Sunday Morning, though I am not quite sure what I am supposed to manage? I am sure whatever it is, it is at the bottom of my to-do list!

I do not think that I am the most powerful around here… just all-knowing. When anyone wants to know something, they come to me first.

I do not have a buzzer… that would be grand! I do have box cutters, letter openers and heavy duty staplers in case of emergencies! So, crazy people beware! To get the janitor, I would have to call out to the county prison… hey – he works there.

Gotta love those people with last minute requests (Nick the Geek!) and the ones who hit you up at worship services… What are these people thinking? I already put in many hours more than I should… in fact, I should have gone home over two hours ago! I think it is in my SAKV nature. Though I tough it out, I am not here to work on Sunday Morning! If I could leg sweep them and get away with it, I would!

As far as secret messages hidden in things… I have done it in the newsletter once. It was funny. But, it is usually just typos… which I put there one purpose to keep everyone on their toes. After all, they need something to complain about. Keep this in mind if you find any typos in this post. Remember there has been only one truly perfect person to walk the earth… and it’s not me!

As with any office (I have been in secretary-type jobs for more than 20 years)… if you want to get to someone you think is more important … you have to get through me first. That goes for just about everyone from salesmen to church members. If you can’t tell me what you want… you won’t get any further up the food chain.

I would never leg sweep our Youth Director… he is my IT guy too. He is also the first one to come to my defense or go to bat for me when I need new equipment/ software, etc. Gotta love that guy!

But, for all the hassels and troubles, I love my ministry and wouldn’t want to leave it anytime soon, though it will happen since I have gone back to school to be a teacher.

“Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men!” Colossians 3:23 HCSB

LOL This is great I printed it out and gave it to our secretary.

Former church secretary here!

1. Secretary is fine with me.

2. I wish! Although at one point, I did make a secret intercom call to a minister in the next room when one of the other secretaries had flipped out and was sitting at her desk weeping.

3. n/a

4. Sadly all of my funny messages were accidental. We did have a member who would write on surveys “If anyone actual reads this I’ll buy them a hamburger”.

5. I should have thought of that. Our minister seemed to spend a lot of lunches alone in his office sucking on SlimFast.

6. It was definitely the youth minister. We had a few battles but I won the war.

7. The elders. Most of ‘em, anyway.

8. I didn’t tell anyone about it. But I never used the secret bathroom. My hubby (who also worked for the church) used it for his “pooping bathroom” so it held no charm for me.

9. Our minister wasn’t afraid to just outright delete certain people’s email…or ignore their messages…or say he was unavailable to answer their calls…

10. I happily accepted the three people who ever volunteered to help.

11. No, but I used by powers to buy all sorts of nifty office gadgets for myself!

12. Our worship leader had a buzz cut.

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Un BEEE levable how you nailed this. I’ve been a pastor for 18 years, worked with 7 different church secretaries at three different churches, and they own the joint. Period. Not always the easiest individuals to please.

The worst combination is the church secretary/pharisee, the one who knows the Bible better and ‘deeper’ than the pastor (who’s obviously not as ‘deep’ and ‘committed’ as she), and those can actually hurt you. If you ever are going to take sides in a fight between the church secretary and the custodian, I would side with the secretary. Yes, the custodian can cut you, but the secretary has access to everything – EVERYTHING – and that has more dangerous potential at every turn.

Sharspin – what you have to do with the spinny toy in the nursery if there’s more than one kid that Sunday.

I once attended a church where both the youth and children’s ministry pastors treated the secretary with disdain and disrespect.

Their bodies were never found.