#554. Doing things that are "not very Christian."
Jun 5th by Jon(Matt taught us how to comment on Stuff Christians Like. He taught us how to have a super holy Christian dating profile. And now he’s teaching us how to know if we’re doing things that are “not very Christian.” Here with another guest post is one of my favorite bloggers, Matt from the church of no people.)
Hey everyone. Contrary to popular belief, Christians aren’t always perfect people. Maybe you have a bumper sticker or a bracelet that says, “W.W.J.D.,” but my bracelet says “W.W.J.L.M.G.A.W.J.T.O.I.I.S.I.W.R.S.A” (What would Jesus let me get away with just this once if I said I was really sorry afterward?) Yes, I have really big wrists.
Sometimes Christians just do ‘Bad Things.’
‘Bad things’ fall into two categories: ‘Sin’ and ‘Not Very Christian.’
Bad things that are ‘Sin’ are obvious, because they’re in the Bible. They’re things like playing cards, dancing, wearing hats in church, getting tattoos or piercings, reading Harry Potter, or women wearing calf-length skirts. ‘Not Very Christian’ things are not in the Bible, but are also obvious, because as soon as you do something, hopefully a Christian will be nearby to say, ‘That wasn’t very Christian of you!’
Yes, even the best of us slip up in certain situations. The Bible doesn’t always tell us what we should do, so we do something that Jesus probably wouldn’t. But let me pluck that speck from your eye! Take this quiz to find out how ‘Not Very Christian’ you might really be at the right place and time.
The Official Test of ‘Not Very Christian’ Christians
1. The obnoxious neighbor kids are riding their bikes in your yard. What might you do?
A: Pray fervently that they will go away.
B: Offer them leftover donuts from church.
C: Toss the leftover donuts from church into the street to lure them out of your yard.
2. You have just moved your groceries from the cart to your trunk. What might you do as your ‘witness’ at the grocery store?
A: Take your cart to the corral if it’s not too far.
B: Take your cart and another person’s back to the store.
C: Casually let the cart roll into the nearest ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker.
3. You realize you do not have enough cash to leave a good tip. What could be your plan?
A: Leave the restaurant, find an ATM, pay $2.50 in service fees, leave a good tip.
B: Go to Chick-Fil-A like a Christian would’ve to begin with instead of that God-forsaken Applebee’s.
C: Decide that your ‘restaurant witness’ will be to not say grace before dinner so that at least when you’re a cheapskate to the waitress, she’ll also think you’re an atheist.
4. A flock of geese have overrun your neighborhood streets. What should you do?
A: Praise God with a hymn for the beauty of such graceful creatures.
B: Leave plenty of bread crusts on the ground for the geese to enjoy.
C: Leave plenty of bread crusts in the pockets of the obnoxious bike-riding neighbor kids.
5. You are sitting next to a stranger on a plane. What might you do?
A: Casually unpack your extra large type illustrated Study Bible with built in reading light.
B: Join hands across the aisle in prayer for ‘traveling mercies.’
C: Tell your neighbor it’s ‘my treat’ as you firmly insist on buying two sets of headphones so you can both watch ‘Barber Shop 2.’
6. Your church serves real bread for communion. What might you do?
A: Tear off a small piece of crust, ensuring there is enough for others.
B: Bring an extra loaf of bread from home and place it on the tray, just in case.
C: Stick your whole hand in the bread, grab a huge wad of the soft doughy middle, double dip it in the juice and say out loud, ‘Communion is the most important meal of the day!’
7. A friend asks why you haven’t been to church recently. After an uncomfortable silence, what holy sounding made-up excuse might you hope your friend believes?A: “I was…at the homeless shelter…serving soup…to homeless people?”
B: “I was…on the street corner…handing out gospel tracts…to homeless people?”
C: “I was…at my…yoga class…doing yoga…with homeless people?”
8. Jon has just written an especially sweet SCL post. How might you respond?
A: By forwarding the post around to your friends.
B: By making a thoughtful or humorous comment.
C: By commenting, ‘OMGosh! Jon that totally reminds me of an awesome post I just wrote on my own blog!!!!!!!!!11 Come check me out! ilovejesusthiiismuchblog.blogspot.com. Luv your site, John. LOL!’
9. Your friends are excited about the next U2 concert. What might you say?
A: “I am so pumped! Their last album was so deep, it made me cry!”
B: “U2 is so worshipful in their music! It’s going to be awesome.”
C: “I’m getting backstage passes so I can knock those ridiculous goggles off of Bono’s sanctimonious face.”
If you answered ‘As’ or ‘Bs,’ then you are a good Christian. Perhaps…too good to be true? If you answered ‘C’ on any of them, then let me be the ever-helpful one, and with my finger in your eye say, ‘That’s not very Christian of you!’ I know they aren’t very Christian, because they are the exact opposite of what I would do! Maybe you thought I was trying to say that Bono’s vaguely religious lyrics and piles of charity cash are canceled out by his giant obnoxious potty-mouth. But don’t worry, homie. I’m a good Christian. U2 rules.
What about you? How did you do on the quiz? What totally ‘Not Very Christian’ things have you never ever done, or even thought about doing under any circumstances?
(For more from Matt, make sure you check out his blog the church of no people)
Comments
I loved this!
How about a driving example?
When someone steals your parking place or drives recklessly, do you a) pray for them: that God will bless their day and they will come to see the error of their ways
b)pray for them as above, but add in a bit of repentence for having judged them
c)shake your fist (or fingers), yell, curse and bitterly hope that they get their come-uppance somewhere down the road?
lol. amazing quiz. how many Cs do you have to have before it cancels things out or I have to go before the confessorati? love U2, and i'll start taking the hat off in church again, thats repentance you know.
I figure sinc eI break the big rules, like reading Harry Potter" the rest of the rules don't really apply so I go with WWKD "What would Katdish do?" It makes like much more interesting.
You don't need to ask WWKD, Nick. We already know. She's transparent like that.
Thanks Matt – great quiz! Reminds me of an awesome post I ….oh never mind.
Hey great post Matt. Someone should make this into one of those annoying Facebook apps so that we can all see how our friends score on The Official Test of ‘Not Very Christian’ Christians
Thanks.
Fantastic!
Heres one:
Someone rips into you at Church for no good reason, do you:
A) Go 'Matthew 18' and talk to them about it privately
B) Whine about it to your Christian friends, under the guise of a prayer concern
C) Use it as an example of a broken church when talking to non-Christians and proceed to rant about it at every given opportunity
XX
3C…Always 3C if you're not going to tip…
Good stuff Matt. I didn't quite understand the U2 stuff but everything else was funny.
Blessings.
WV: jujingi~ Japanese version of 'Gettin Giggy'
WWKD, all the way, baby!
Now, how would she feel to know 40% of my answers were C?
Too funny!
What about if you were having a yard sale, say tomorrow, and had come across a pair of small heart shaped earrings that have WWJD engraved on them do you a) slip them in a bag of someones that does not have a fish bumper sticker on their car b)give them to your 5 yr. old daughter to forever cherish or c)give them as a free gift with purchase
This is hilarious, I laughed out loud several times!
OMGosh! Matt that totally reminds me of an awesome post I just wrote on my own blog!!!!!!!!!11 Come check me out!
http://katdish.blogspot.com/
Luv your site, Matt. LOL!
So I guess this means I should have my tattoo removed, huh?
Oh Hucklebuck…that just made my morning…
The tipping example really hit a nerve. I waited tables for years, and I probably worked with about 95% non-Christians. So when couples came in and had a big long prayer before their meal and then left a terrible tip, I wanted to follow them out to the parking lot and scorn them in the name of the Lord. My experience has been that Christians are generally bad tippers. And given the fact that most churches report that only about 20-25% of their church actually tithe, it isn't like they can use the excuse "I didn't have enough money to tip well because I tithed all my money before coming out to eat."
Off topic (so 8C), but I have to point out this video: Navigators Neverdaters. It's full of stuff Christians like.
Lure geese into your yard with Communion bread, preferably while the neighborhood kids are biking through it. Then shoot a goose or two for dinner.
I watched that Navigators Neverdaters video. Did anyone notice that the board in the background reads "Religious Studys"? I don't know how I noticed that, but I am definately judging them for that mistake.
Understood the U2 stuff. Like U2, but started scratching my head when I saw Bono's f-bomb's in interviews. It must be a Rock N' Roll thing?
Heh, U2 does rule! I'm gonna see them in September and I'd be a "good christian" and give you all tickets if I had extras!!
When I was a kid, I read books during the service by slipping them inside my hymnal and hoping no one would notice. That was not-very-Christian of me.
Sometimes now I doodle pictures of my pastor as a leprechaun (but only when he wears the green suit jacket). This is also not-very-Christian of me.
Everything else was already mentioned on the "sin" list.
My list of not very Christian things is a long one, but hey, I'm definitely working on it… And oh yeah, this reminds me of a post I wrote…
Matt,
I think you and I both know how I did on that little quiz.
And it's ABOUT TIME you guest blogged here again! Dang!
Not only am I doing things that aren't very Christian, I think I may have the spirit of a crotchety old man living inside of me.
"Hey you kids, get off of my lawn!"
When my nonChristian friends tell me I'm "not very Christian," they actually mean it as a compliment.
WV: preew: A preview of coming attractions that's so disgusting you have to turn it off saying "eww"
I am so overcome with nostalgia because I watched the Navigator Neverdater video! I was a Nav 20+ years ago and it was the same way then! Thanks whoever commented about it.
WV: Mions. Don't take those, they're MY ions.
Love you Matt, even before reading this.
I spend hours and hours in the coffee shop sipping cappuccino and reading funny stuff on people's blogs instead of working at the local shelter.
How Christian is that?
C: Casually let the cart roll into the nearest ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker.
Love that!
usually it's me telling my husband, "That's not very Christian"
For example:
Husband: "if Pau Gasol did me like that I'd elbow that f***er right in his goofy d**n mouth!"
me: "honey, that's not very Christian"
For those who don't know, Pau Gasol plays basketball for the Lakers
Ouch, Lauren! I'm afraid I may not be very Christian when I watch the Lakers play either. Oh, that Kobe Bryant makes me so mad!
I have a tattoo and I wear jeans to church. Sometimes with my "Jesus loves you. Me? Not so much" t-shirt. There is an entire ministry at my church devoted to praying me into being a better Christian. I hear they make beaded bracelets for African orphans as they pray, but that could just be a rumor.
I sometimes let my kids listen to secular radio. That's not very Christian of me, I know.
And WWKD? She'd flunk this exam. But that's why Jesus loves her. Me? Not so…just kidding! She knows I do
Since we're throwing Katdish under the bus, I took the quiz as her and answered C on all, except #8 – that one was Sherri. Well, Katdish is a shameless self-promoter, but so is Sherri.
By the way Matt, figured out what a 'cuke' is yet?
I had no idea what a big fat heathen I am. Awesome.
Hilarious. #2c is my favorite (coexist bumper sticker). Classic!
The restaurant one was awesome–
not saying grace so the waitress thinks you're an atheist.
I recently discovered your blog, and i'm playing catch-up. One topic I haven't seen is on the rules for saying grace for your food! Of course, a bag of chips is too insignificant, but would a sandwich count? What about big desserts? You don't say grace for a dessert… right?
WV: Eferho: enthusiasm that compels others to help out.
example: "Jon got the whole youth group to help him stack chairs! He's just gushing with eferho!"
I was just reading your tweets about p90x. I think its like a Christians substitute for a gym..I can't believe how many of my Christian friends are talking about/using it! Stuff Christians like: p90x…its cheaper than the gym, eh?
What's wrong with tattoos?
OMG Jon this post was like super amazing and more super amazing kinda like U2 and all that razzle dazzle and it just makes me want to side hug until my side falls of which wouldn't be good because I would very literally break in two and I'm guessing that SCL won't compensate me for my damages but no matter I'm just about to run out of breath so check out this totally awesome blog I stumbled upon it's jesus777approves777of777sidehugs777 which isn't really legit but considering we're all forgiving Christians that makes it all ok so I'll keep side hugging away and you keep on feeding us razzle dazzle and now my lips are turning blue.
aka I liked your post
So these people in the apartment behind mine keep having intimate moments…loudly…with the window open. I am sorely tempted to bust out my squirt gun and break up the shenanigans, but I've come to realize that it wouldn't be very Christian of me.
Usually my goal is to be "not very christian" as it means I'll let go of the judgemental attitude and just love people (and myself) for who they are.
And it strikes me kind of hypocritical to not pray and not tip. Especially if since according to a couple commenters, not tipping enough is something many Christians do constantly. Know us as we are.
There should've been a "d) you actually have a 'coexist' bumper sticker on your car."
I really hope you were using sarcasm when you talked about dancing, Harry Potter, and piercings being sins.
The worst sin of all is GOSSIP and guess where the most gossip goes on? Yep, you guessed it-CHURCH.
And um…who cares that Bono cusses. It's up to you whether or not you want to. If you're living in the real world like Jesus did, you're going to experience all kinds of people and choose to refrain from judging them for what they do.
And um…the quiz didn't really fit me. If kids were riding their bikes through my yard, I would walk up to them and gently explain to them that they should respect other people's property. Why would anyone pray for that stuff to stop? Prayer isn't about bargaining with God or asking for stuff. He gave you a brain to use to solve your own problems.
@Anon,
Yes, it was meant to be sarcastic. And you're right that gossip is a big problem in the church.
As for Bono, it's not that we really care that he cusses. I think the issue is that he's a self-proclaimed Christians, but yet his lifestyle doesn't always show that.
About the prayer…again I think he was being sarcastic, yet unfortunately a lot of folks are like that. They use prayer just to ask for a better life.
@bayonetwork,
The issue of tattoos is one of the most commented posts on this site. Check it out here.
Thank you, Hucklebuck. You saved me a lot of effort there.
Sorry, I had to correct a typo and forgot my link to the tattoo post. Here it is: http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/07/are-tattoos-sinful.html
Huck,
Can you moderate all the anonymous comments on my blog?
Oh wait, I don't have any anonymous comments on my blog.
Wonder why….
Hah! That's great.
Casually let the cart roll into the nearest ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker.
Why can't we all just get along??
i'm kind of judging the person that judged "religious studys". it's "definitely" not "definately".
i guess this is also not very christian of me.
I literally roll my eyes at the WWJD baloney. I mean, hey, I believe he's alive and active. I wonder why we never hear WIJD? Key: What Is Jesus Doing?
Wow. Just wow. I can't believe you mentioned grocery carts. I always usher my carts back to the corral just to be a good Christian for the sake of the poor bagging kids who have to round them up later. It never occured to me that I could one-up myself and actually bring them back to the store! Ha ha…thanks for this blog.(: