SCL

When you argue with your mate, don't go tell all the bad stuff about your mate to your parents, siblings, or friends. When you speak to them about your mate, you should speak in loving terms, focusing on their good qualities.

Don't compare your mate to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend…EVER!

Never allow your parent to belittle or verbally assault your spouse.

@ Robbie lobst: I couldn't agree more! I have to continually remember to not try to be DH's holy spirit. When I got out of the way, he had the freedom to grow!

My best marriage advice is to be friends. The day will come when the sun sets on passion and the body has faded. Friends will still have plenty to enjoy about each other.

Oh, and don't expect your mate to be your God – fulfilling everything in you that you lack. He/She wasn't meant for that.

Best advice was that marriage is a unity of two really good forgivers. You will need to be really good at this to make it last.

The best advice I ever heard was at a marriage conference my husband and I went to in the middle of a major crisis in our marriage:

"It's ok to fight; but fight for your marraige, not against it."

I think that was the one and only Beth Moore.

Changed both of our lives pretty quickly…

I had a realization while doing the dishes a while back: marriage is about grace. Sometimes you're the one who needs grace, and sometimes you're the one who needs to give it.

When I look at my relationship with my husband that way, it's easier to forgive, because I know how often I need forgiven.

An elderly couple were celebrating 50 years of marriage. Their friends & family asked them to each share some tips to such a long lasting marriage.

The husband stood up & said, "My pastor once told me to always fight naked. I've always taken what my pastor said seriously & so I followed his advice faithfully. I've never argued with my wife with clothes on. However she didn't see the benefit of that arrangement so in 50 years of marriage all our arguments have taken place with me naked and her fully clothed. Always brought a sense of humility into my arguments… and they were always over very quickly – I don't think she much cared for the arrangement but she always held her tongue." The crowd snickered and his wife rolled her eyes. When his wife stood up to give her advice she handed her husband a box. The box contained 10 beautifully hand knit doiley's. Under the doiley's was an envelope containing $25,000. The wife looked at her husband and said, "Our pastors wife told me to always stop & knit a doiley before taking up an argument with you. This would give me time to work through my thoughts & anger, and hopefully the argument would dissolve before the doiley was finished." Her husbands eyes misted over, he looked at her and said, "my dear, you've only been angry with me 10 times over the course of 50 years?" he had to fight back his tears "But what is this $25,000 for?" The wife smiled at her husband and replied, "That's all the money I made from selling the doiley's."

Priceless.

I was at Creation Northeast this past week. While there I had the AMAZING opportunity to hear Dr Ergan Caner (the president of Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary) speak.

It would be hard to wrap up what he said but I'll do my best.

To the single men in the audience:

There is some woman out there confused enough to say yes when you give her a ring. She has dreamed since she was a little girl about her wedding day. Shut up, dress how she says to dress, stand where she says to stand, and do what she says to do.

To the single women int he audience:

This is some guy out there who loves you dearly. He's been dreaming of his honeymoon since he was a little boy. Shut up, dress how he says to dress, stand where he says to stand, and do what he says to do.

I laughed so hard I cried. But I couldn't argue with his logic either.

P.S. He said this at a marriage conference once and was asked to leave before the conference was over. But I love him all the more for having the guts to say what was VERY true.

WV: Jestic: The gender neutral version of Majestic.

Some friends of mine gave this advice to some other friends for their wedding:
"[groom], don't always try to fix it.
[bride], let him fix it sometimes."

Love your husband/wife like you want them to love you… You want them to love you when you screw up, put up with the annoying things you do, be faithful when fireworks wear off, etc… so that is how you should love them.

As a woman who's walked the lonely traumatic road of infertility — full of nosy Christian a-holes, I might add, and I'm a Christian — I'd tell any couple getting married:

Get fertility tested NOW.

If that road is possibly in your future, better to know it now. It doesn't have to change your decision to get married, it may help prepare you, and it may keep you from years of weeping and hope deferred that forever change your life and marriage.

Sorry to be a downer, but I feel strongly about this.

Every husband lives in his wife's house and every wife visits her husbands workshop and office. Husbands should be vocal about how nicely she manages the house. Wives . . . maybe not so vocal.

I know this is going to sound lame, but the best marriage advice I ever got was an explanation of love is 1Corinthians 13: 4-5. I know we have heard it at weddings so much that it sounds trite, but it isn't. It is true.

We were told to choose to love each other everyday. Believe it or not, love is a choice and even on those days when it seems very hard, I make that decision to love him.

I also see (I didn't take the time to read all 163 comments) that someone already wrote this, but we were also told to "Fight Naked." That way, we'll end up laughing 'coz who really looks normal when completely naked AND it's more fun/easier to make up.

we had a photo album that people signed like a guest book.

one friend wrote in big letters: "May All Your Ups And Downs Be In The Bedroom!"

that was sweet.

Best, most groan-inducing advice I ever got was actually not aimed at me, but at my little brother. He's 12 and is apparently desperate to marry me off (as are my two 13-years-old sisters, not twins, long story). I'm 25. When I, yet again, couldn't come up with a decent answer to the "Why aren't you married/dating?" question, my mom turned to the sibs and simply said, "Jen might not ever get married–and that's okay." Oh, I wanted to die on the spot. But it's true: if it never happens, it will be OK, because I have Christ, and God's got my back.

WV: sputi–SERIOUSLY? Sputi?! Is that like the plural of sputum??? How could sputum even be pluralized??!

I liked the content of your blog and the points you have mentioned that there is nothing like perfect marriage, communication, compromise, and the most effective tip to save a marriage is to be committed. Good reminder about to be committed, to be able to communicate, be willing to compromise, and be always in love.

How funny that you wrote about this topic, Jon! My one year wedding anniversary is this Monday, and I've actually been reflecting a lot about our marriage lately.

The best advice I wish someone gave me a year ago is this: remember whom you married. Is s/he a jerk? Is s/he selfish? Is s/he out to hurt you? Of course not. You wouldn't have married that person in the first place if s/he were like that. So remember whom you married. Remember that s/he is loving and kind, that s/he is concerned for you above all other things and would never [intentionally] do anything to hurt you. If you can remember whom you married, you'll save your marriage a lot of heartaches and arguments.

One of the best stories I have ever heard about marriage, and something that has stayed with me through the years is the following.

A couple was concerned that they were fighting too much, and speaking in haste, when it might be better to more carefully consider their words.

So the wife made the suggestion that they keep a big jug up on the fireplace mantle, and in it, each time they were angry with the other person, they were to put it in writing, and then place the missive in the jug. Hopefully, this would keep the open conflict at bay.

They would then take the notes out, once a year, and go through them, and see how many of the petty squabbles, as well as the serious issues, had resolved themselves, and then were to discuss the ones that hadn't been resolved.

The months went by, and the fighting really diminished, but they would see one another frequently leaving messages in the jug.

At the end of the first year, they sat down to discuss the notes in the jug.

There were many instances of fights and arguments that the wife had recorded.

But, every single one of the husband's notes to the wife said, "I love you."

AARRrrggghhhhh….

[This so reminds me of something my husband might do.]

[I think this story resonates with me so much because I frequently lack grace, and resort to the Law.]

The point that the story illustrates so beautifully is, as the Bible tells us, "Love covers a multitude of sins."

I DONT KNOW IF YOUVE ALREADY SPOKEN AT THE WEDDING OR NOT BUT…THE BEST ADVICE I EVER GOT CAME FROM ME TRYING TO DISCOVER HOW TO BE A BETTER HUSBAND. YOUR WIFE IS A GIFT DIRECTLY FROM GOD. TO ACT IN ANY OTHER WAY DOES NOT PLEASE HIM. HOW WOULD YOU ACT IF JESUS HIMSELF SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR WITH A GIFT?

@anonymous July 1, 2009 4:01 PM

Couldn't agree more. The church who were there for us nearly 10 years when we got married have all but washed their hands of us because of our reaction to our infertility. We can't have children through no fault of our own but I honestly think we would have had more support if one of us had been unfaithful. I suppose they consider our disappointment, diagnosed depression and suicide attempts to be selfish and unholy. I feel that we have been punished (by God?) twice, firstly in losing our future, and secondly by losing our Church family, friends and finally faith. I love my husband more than ever but we are both so alone now.

The pastor at my old church uses the three phrases that every couple needs to know:

"I was wrong"
"I apologize."
"I love you."

My father was unable to attend my sister's wedding, and I was asked to fill his shoes by providing the toast to the bride. I was single at the time, and I wanted to provide them some advice on how to have a happy marriage…so i asked around. These are true:

From a man at a coffee shop, "If the dish towels are marked HIS and HIS…don't marry her."

Then i asked a couple from the church that had been married for over 60 years. I asked them seperately what the key to a happy marriage was, they both answered that "they married the most amazing person in the world."

So my advice to them was to keep right on believing that you have married the most amazing, incredible, perfect person for you in the world…even when they aren't acting like that person.

My dad's a pastor and performed the ceremonies for my brother's, sister's, and our wedding. At my brother's he gave his bride a fine paint brush and my brother a broad one and explained that Ryan's authority only gave him the ability to paint the broad strokes of the portrait of their lives. Lydia's fine paintbrush gave her the freedom to paint all the finer details and highlights. It would absolutely take both to finish the painting. At my sister's wedding he gave Eric a Matchbox SUV and Emily a cool convertible. The point was that Eric would occasionally have to give up cool for functional, or utility. And not that my sister wouldn't have to sacrifice anything, but that she was to be treasured, like an expensive sportscar should be. You can't get everything done you need to in a convertible. And hardly will an SUV the perfect choice 100% of the time, again pointing out that both are essential in completing tasks.

My wife is an engineer. I'm a pharmacist. My dad gave me a mortar and pestle and my wife a compass. I don't have a clue what he said to us that day. I would suggest that what you share is likely to have a bigger impact on those attending than those participating in the ceremony. I'm not sure if that's advice for you or something you can share, but it's my two cents…

I heard it is "Don't focus on the negative things" and "put commitment above love".

To me, "if you think that other grass is greener, then you have just look at the grass at a glance"

In a world (post with comments) full of references to marriage books and some incarnation of the 100%-100% idea, I'd like to refer to something a little different.

In the buddy cop movie Bad Boys, Will Smith is listening to his partner's marriage problems, and suddenly cuts in with, "Yo, marriage is easy. You've only got one woman to please." Or something very much like that.

Obviously marriage isn't easy, and I should probably point out that I'm not actually married. However, in my experience, making your priority pleasing that one woman has worked out rather well.

Something that I have found to be helpful in a marriage is to not give up to easily. Even when things get to it's bleakest there is still hope. My friend and her husband went through a horrible time when she found that her husband had an addiction to pornography. Most wives would give up however she decided to give her husband the chance to seek help. They found help in Victoria Prater and Garry Prater's book "Love and Pornography." It takes love, compassion and understanding to maintain a marriage.

When my husband and I got married, we were both virgins, which was awesome. However, we ended up facing a lot of medical and emotional issues with sex that totally caught us off guard, and we spent the first year of our marriage feeling pretty devastated. Given how much our society focuses on sex, we felt like something was terribly wrong with us. It was awful. I know this does not happen to everyone or even most people, but as it happened to us, I feel like I want to give this advice to anyone who might read this and be going through the same thing:

There is nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with issues that you couldn't anticipate. Go to the doctor, go to a counselor, do what you need to do, but know that this will get better. This will get to be more fun. You love each other, and you can get through this. And remember, God is not punishing you for anything. God is with you. God wants you to have an awesome sex life just as much as you do. Don't stop talking to him about how you feel.

I know this seems like a downer, but I wish anyone had said this to me as a newlywed. If it helps one anonymous person, I'm glad I said it.