#578. Treating the announcements at church like an open mic night at a comedy club.
Jul 13th by JonNo one ever bangs the mic during the announcements portion of Sunday service and says, “Is this thing on?” or ends the whole thing by shouting, “You’ve been a great crowd. Make sure you take care of your ushers!” But they should, because occasionally the people that make the announcements treat the whole thing like an open mic night at a comedy club.
Something about the power of the mic and the heat of a spotlight tends to transform normal looking members of the church into comedians or even would be pastors. What was supposed to be a simple, “There’s a gravy jamboree this Thursday night in the Community Hall” somehow morphs into a def jam comedy session which must just be excruciating for the pastor to watch. During those moments, I have to imagine pastors are silently thinking, “If I threw a hymnal from where I am sitting, would it be possible for me to: A. Knock him out cold? B. Get the drummer to help me carry the body back to the pews?”
How do you stop this phenomenon? Certainly the first step is prevention, you simply ask the right people to do announcements. But even that’s not flawless because you don’t know 100% how someone is going to act on stage. The mic and a crowd do unexpected things to people. But even if we can’t avoid it, maybe we can recognize it quickly and eliminate it by looking for these warning signs.
Signs your announcements are about to jump the tracks:
1. The Daily Show
This is probably the most common joke format and takes its name from the popular satire news program, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” In this approach, the person reading the announcements tries to add a “zinger” after every bit of news they share. For instance, “The singles retreat will be held on Labor Day at Destin Beach, Florida. A retreat for singles? What are they retreating from? I’m the one with four kids. I should be down on that beach, am I right?” (This may or may not involve someone saying “Yowza!” after each item in the announcements.)
2. “That reminds me.”
This is the kiss of death phrase when it comes to announcements. When someone says this, what they’ve really just said is, “I want to reflect on what I just read with some ideas, insights and general rambling that is so off script it will make your teeth hurt. I’ve segued out of the ‘volunteer for VBS’ message using the phrase ‘that reminds me’ and will now be sharing something I learned recently in Leviticus.” If you are a pastor you should get 42% sweatier if you ever hear this phrase during a series of announcements.
3. No notes
You want your announcer to have a note card. Andy Stanley doesn’t even try to memorize the announcements, but like riding a bike with no hands, some people want to show off and go up there without any notes. Usually, midway through, they end up running into a metaphorical mailbox right after they silently yell, “Look mom, no hands!”
4. The Bermuda Triangle of “I said ‘good morning’”
If you’ve never spoken publicly before please, please heed these words of warning: never, ever enter into a Bermuda triangle of double greeting. You think it will be light and playful, there are probably “how to preach” books that encourage people to ask the crowd to repeat the phrase “good morning” if the first one wasn’t loud enough as an icebreaker, but fight that temptation. If your guiltfest “I said ‘good morning’” doesn’t work the first time then you’ll think you need to do it a second time and if the good morning you receive is progressively smaller than the original response you’re just traveling down hill at that point. You’ll keep doing it until finally it’s only one guy in the fifth row saying “good morning” and there’s a big bail of tumbleweed made of leftover palm branches from Easter rolling across the stage as you awkwardly wait for a good morning that just isn’t coming. (Cue lonesome harmonica.)
5. The sermon audition
Whenever I get into an elevator at work with an important executive, a recognition I can usually make based on the crispness of the pleats in their pants, I am tempted to make an elevator speech. I am tempted to say something so wise and insightful and awesome that right on the spot they say, “How would you like a raise and an office with a door and a new project that involves filming the follow up to Breakin’ 2, Electric Boogaloo? We’ll call it “Breakin’ 3, Rise of the Worm?” And the same thing happens sometimes when you give an overly ambitious person the task of providing the announcements. We think it’s a sermon audition. We think, “This is my one shot. Don’t mess it up Jon. In fact, you better lose yourself in the music, the moment. You own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” And then your palms get sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on your sweater already, mom’s spaghetti. You’re nervous, but on the surface you look calm and ready, to drop bombs. But maybe that’s just me. And people from 8 mile.
At North Point Community Church, where I attend, staff members do all the announcements so unfortunately I don’t get to see most of these warning signs. And we don’t use hymnals so I couldn’t throw a glancing blow even if I wanted to.
How about you though?
What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen happen during the announcements at church?
Comments
Let's face it, announcements are the bane of any church experience… no matter how well they're done, they still take up valuable time and take away from real connections with God. BUT, if you go with out them, no one will attend anything your church does in the non-Sunday life.
As a member of the production team at a large church, we we're looking for ways to minimize announcements within the normal service time. I tweaked the idea that Northpoint does and started "The 5 Minute Window"…this was a combination of a 5 minute countdown and 2-3 of the top-tier events being promoted. It also seemed to help in getting some people to want to show up early enough to see it, thus more people in their seats when the service started.
I'm a big proponent of video announcements…DONE WELL. You always know how long the segment will go and it is all pre-approved prior to the weekend.
Our church doesn't do announcements….per se. They're more like mini little infomercials. Five minutes of a skit or sales job on why YOU need to help out with Sunday school for the summer. Or pray for the high school missions team going to Mexico ("last year the entire team was down with Montezuma's revenge, so pray this year that we have enough toilet paper, amen.")
Someone mentioned having motorcycles in church. We had classic cars. Actually, since our senior pastor is a major car buff, we've had classic cars parked in our sanctuary a couple of times. Once for Father's Day and once to advertise a men's conference…
Short announcements are nice. Our pastor only announces the few announcements that apply to the WHOLE CHURCH. Everything else is left for individual Sunday School classes/Departments to announce when they meet. Everything's also put on the slideshow that runs before church, in the bulletin, and on the website.
the sermon audition also applies to worship leaders. and usually theyll end up talking about what the pastor is going to speak on.
Someone decides to demonstrate how much faith they have in what God is doing in our church (maybe even badmouth 'them that left' a little), followed by how much they love the pastor (…wife, children, pet turtle), and closed by some incoherent lengthy Bible exegesis of some butchered verses…in under :23 minutes, while managing to avoid how it at all relates to the announcement of the ticket sales they asked to do…which actually cost more than the price they quoted.
The women in our church were having lots of babies when one newly married man stood up and announced that he and his wife were doing their part for the baby boom…
We weren't really sure if that meant they were pregnant or just wanted us to know they were having sex.
We clapped anyways.
Jason Kanz wrote: "…which has been bolstered by people coming up afterward saying they appreciate the way I do announcements."
While I don't have a significant chunk of time to go back through 500+ SCL blog entries, there has to be one on "people coming up afterward" and offering words of appreciation and encouragement regardless of how awful the previous series of events was, yeah?
hahaha i can't believe you just used eminem in your post! awesome.
also, our staff does this stuff during announcements. it's always fun when they are the only ones laughing at their "jokes" i think church members probably would be less likely to act out in this way!
If "Gravy Jamboree" were the name of a band, I would so be there to get my freak on.
This was quite prevalent at my internship church. People would even joke around in their introduction to communion.
I was in the youth ministry role there, and I pushed to have one of the kids be the scripture reader on a particular Sunday.
This kid was over the top. He introduced the scripture by saying "I was given this scripture like 2 minutes ago, is if it sucks its your fault not mine." He concluded saying "There, the important part is over. Now everyone can go home."
I believe he embarrassed all the open-mic-ers. That same day, the biggest culprit did a much more somber introduction to communion
Maybe you guys need to find smaller churches. Without spotlights, lazer shows, bands, roadies, groupies and coffee lounges. My church is only 114 members..we don't have this problem. Announcements take 2 minutes tops, and we actually LIKE to hear what others are doing, what bible studies are starting, and when the church picnic is…I'm just sayin…
Announcements at my small church are usually fast. There is one guy, however, who often stumbles over what he is saying. The best one? He was announcing a birth and said the following, "And Tim has visited them in the hospital and reports the baby looks like Dan (the father) so that's good I guess." About half the congregation busted out laughing and the other half looked confused as to why we were laughing. The best part is that the announcer had no clue as to what he had implied about the mother! He also mixed up the length and weight (21 pounds, 8.5 inches). When we started laughing/gagging again, he goes, "What? Is that big?" He then looked at his notes and realized the mistake.Oh…the fun we can have!
WV: Gerfessi: A female who is at confession
In smaller churches, the audience is sometimes asked if there are prayer requests or announements that have been left out. We used to have this guy who was really, creepily into the Boy Scout troop the church sponsored, even moreso than church. Every week he would have an announcement, and even if it had nothing to do with it, he'd somehow work in a scouting plug. He even worked it into the memorial we had for a deceased member. But hey, no one forgot that the church was sponsoring the boy scouts!
Oh, flashbacks to my days as a church intern….I have this vision of myself in safari gear (hat and all!) with binoculars searching for the upcoming VBS all over the sanctuary…
The Conservative Baptist church in which I grew up used to have a few chairs onstage where the song leader, associate pastor/announcement-giver, and senior pastor would sit when it wasn't their turn. One morning as the announcements were given my dad, the song leader, fell asleep sitting on his chair onstage. I suppose it's not exactly a story about bad announcement-giving, but it was extremely funny.
I went to a church where anyone could make an announcement at any time they found a space in the service — like when collection was taken up, or between the time the special item singer left the stage and the pastor walked up. It was a lot of chaos but you can;t say it was not interactive
Oh goodness. I WISH announcements would be more like open mic night. For a while now, we haven't had anyone be man enough to handle our announcements so our pastor does them. They end up being entirely too long and drawn out. It's just his style of speaking really, but…
Seriously, by the time we end it's noon:30. And most of us are college-aged. HUNGRY college-aged people.
It's like the running of the bulls when we finish.
I think I might be missing out. Our announcements only cover things not in the bulletin (why otherwise print a bulletin?) and it's done by the head deacon. No jokes or anything..but we get plenty of those during the service, so I guess that's okay.
Our church has just recently gone to pre-recording their announcements. I think this is to ensure nothing gets missed or to avoid the "open mic" thing, not sure which.
We've been doing it for the last month or so, but it still sounds like an airline stewardess who rattles off where the exits are & how to use your barf bag if necessary. My hubby & I get a chuckle every time – hopefully it will wear off soon so we can take them seriously. We've been missing the first two or three due to the giggles.
As a staff person at my church, I've been doing the announcements for THREE YEARS. Ugh. And every Sunday I think, "is anybody listening? why am I doing this? Can't they read the bulletin, the e-news, the big screen?". I constantly feel like an idiot on stage. But I laugh it up and folks seem to enjoy it….I can't figure out why.
I am horrified to admit that, when I was a volunteer youth group leader, I pretended to be on a "double date" with one of my fellow male youth leaders and two of our students…two of our male students. Which meant that the other leader and I, both hairy, ugly men, found ourselves in dresses with wigs, using girly voices, to promote an upcoming dessert fundraiser.
Not a high point in my ministry career (or my adulthood, for that matter).
Matt — I can't believe you DIDN'T go on that retreat! How much fun are those dudes!??!
Hey, is "dudes" still a culturally acceptable word? I'm over 40 now so I never know.
WV: pight
fighting with pie
"I don't care for this rhubarb pie, let's have a pight with it instead."
I give announcements at our church, because apparently people can't read….anywho….my comment is more of a question: Is it bad for me, when I announce potlucks, to try to influence people to bring apple pie rather than salads?
My Dad used to make the announcements for our church. One Sunday he announced that the following Saturday night we would be having a "church-wide hay roast and weinee ride."
We had the largest attendance ever!
One time the worship guy did a version of that beer commercial where a guy sings everything the person just said. It was much more fun that normal.
BTW, Eminem would the the person on the planet I would get the most exiced about if he were to come to Christ.