SCL

I was in church this week and heard the phrase "love on" about 80 times….as in "They need us to love on them" or "she just loved on him." I think this deserves a post. Christians definitely like this phrase. ALOT.

I did that today! I add even more guilt-spice to the stew by apologizing for whatever has caused them to do what they did, then forgiving them.

A close cousin to forgiving people who didn't apologize is asking forgiveness for something akin to a kick in the head.
"I have to ask your forgiveness. I have judged you and gossiped about you. Last week I told Bob that you were a skank. I'm so sorry, I was just being judgmental about that time you wore the halter top to church. I hope you will forgive me. I have no right to pass judgment on you, no matter what you wear."

it's like you tape recorded my act of 'forgiving' a friend a few years back. Thank God God doesn't 'forgive' us like that. LOL

Forgiving people isn't easy and though I think it SHOULD be, cause I'm a Christian and all…I read an article where it said, "forgive that person for today" and then tomorrow do it again. Sounds like the "brother" that forgave you needs to seriously ask for some forgiveness!

I so deeply appreciate your humor thread through the truth of Christians acting like fools!

"Instead, 'If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.'" -Romans 12:20

Do you think this is forgiving with a vengeful heart…? -alex

Nick the Geek:

"…I'm gonna have to put a period in her somewhere and this might as well be it." Awesome typo. If only it was that simple to put a full stop to the MIL dramas!

This frustrates me when people do this. When I have told people I forgive them, I have also told them what for.

the last line is my favorite!! ; )

@Sean G.–Your email situation sounds so much like what happened between me and my now-former best friend several years ago, except she did say she forgave me (in a slightly patronizing, holier-than-thou way) while laying every single shred of blame for what happened, including choices she made that contributed to the end of our relationship. I apologized repeatedly for what I'd done but she never once apologized for any hurt she'd done to me, intentional or otherwise. Passive-aggressive and a victim mentality. 'nuf said, no? She eventually refused to have any contact with me at all so there's never been any closure, at least for me, and that has made forgiving, letting go, and moving on difficult, but that's what God wants us to do. He leads, I (try to) follow.

What's with the letter thing? I have also been on the receiving end of a letter which told me all the "horrible" things I had done (unbeknownst to me) and that I was forgiven. But oh yeah, the friendship is over.

And when I tried to respond personally with an apology and some sort of explanation that I had no idea I had hurt her, the hand went up.

I don't think that comes close to fitting in the meaning of forgiveness.

Have I forgiven her? I hope so. But I don't feel the need to approach her and tell her. It would just made things worse. I still remember the incident, and it still stings. The pain comes from a lost friendship as the result of a misunderstanding and the fact that I couldn't "fix" it.

We must check our motives when offering forgiveness or even confronting someone when we think they've wronged us. Was the person being intentional or malicious in their actions? Was it just something done in the heat of the moment? Is the relationship okay otherwise, and we're just being a brat about it?

People are way too sensitive these days.

Unless it is something habitual, I just let it go. There's no sense in two or more people being hurt in the process.

This hasn't happened to me…but I've witnessed it happen to others. Cracks me up every time.

Ardel Caneday, Prof of NT at Bethel College (and co-author with Tom Schreiner) has written a paper on "The Sin of Unconditional Forgiveness."

http://trsbu.blogspot.com/2009/02/sin-of-unconditional-forgiveness.html

I like that term "soft revenge". I've experienced that and a lot of other not-quite-right things that masqueraded as forgiveness. The root of the problem often is not discerning the difference between forgiveness, which we are compelled to do, and reconciliation, which is conditional based on both parties.

Great post, and very true. It seems like this is a subtle form of judgement to forgive someone "out loud" when they haven't asked for it.

It reminds me of my 5 yo daughter…she says "I forgive you" instead of "I'm sorry". At first I thought she was just confused, but lately I wonder if she is smarter than we think.

LOVE IT!

Sheer Brilliance.
This one has to be in the book!

Your ending said it all: soft revenge.

This is a fun site, but actually I find this topic VERY tough because I have struggled with my faith for so many years because of much abuse done to me in my lifetime, and some of it by my fellow Christians, most of whom have ever confessed to me and asked for my forgiveness. I am now in counseling for anger and realizing that it isn't God's fault for the abuse done to me.

I once received a letter in middle school-not an e-mail or a text, but a hand-written letter mailed to me- from a sweet girl in my youth group whom I was friendly with. This long letter explained how and why she was harboring deep feelings of jealousy toward me and had been since I joined the church. She said God was helping her work through it and she wanted to ask for my forgiveness, even though I had no idea it was happening. I liked this girl and I knew she was sincere, and if it helped her move on in her life, I'm glad it did, but it honestly just made me feel awkward around her.

If only that happened for real…it seems like some kind of SNL skit! I think I will try that tonight when my wifey comes home.

Great post. More often than I forgive people who haven't apologized, I find Christ making me apologize to people who weren't even offended.

Holy crabapples! Pretty much that exact conversation happened to me a few days ago. Are you sure you can't read my mind, sir?

Oh wow, what Jeff (comment #5) said! That same scenario happened to me in a high school youth group, with the additional awkwardness multipliers that

1) I couldn't understand what the guy said, because of background noise and the fact that he was (understandably!) mumbling, so I had to ask him to REPEAT the confession about three times!! Eeeek! And then, you guess it, awkwardly stammered out, "Ummm, it's okay, I forgive you?" and escaped with a burning red face.

2) I had several classes with him so I had to see him often and at length for the rest of the year after that…never was quite sure how to act around him after that.

Poor guy. I still cringe when I think of me standing there asking him, "What?"

Ugh. SO true.

What's even better is when people "forgive", but still won't friend you on Facebook because "the trust just isn't to that level, yet."

Yeah.

This is so funny. I think if we had more life skills like dealing with confrontation in a healthy manner, stuff like this would never happen.

If someone genuinely offends you to the extent that you have to forgive them, have the guts to tell them you were offended. Then maybe they'll have a clue they upset you and NOT do it again!

But that's way too practical for most of us

Great post, and many great comments!

I know someone who makes a point of proclaiming loudly to all in a pre-emptive strike that _they_ 'don't hold grudges'; but of course, -this- is the person who repeatedly steps on other people's toes. Then this person evades apologizing when confronted, and blames all the victims for being 'unforgiving' when they yell 'ow!' The perpetrator then magnanimously declines to bear a grudge against the victims….who can't possibly win.

I've been trying to understand the whole forgiveness thing when it comes to a divorce after 20 years. You can't really move on without it, yet I'm sure we both offended one another, if not during the marriage, certainly during litigation. I've decided when God brings something to mind I will forgive either myself or him. I'm sure if we had done the "forgive as you go along as much as neccessary" we would never ended up in a divorce taking 3 years. Hmm. maybe it was the adulterous affair, or possibly all the financial havoc he did before leaving. So much to forgive I just forgive as God calls me to. Neither of us are looking at reconciliation.