Making purple – 11 ways to stop camp kissing.
Aug 13th by JonWhen I was a teenager, 89% of my energy at summer camp and church retreats was spent trying to kiss girls. “Tender Ronis” if you will. The important word to note in that first sentence is “trying.” I know this may shock many of you, but I was not a ladies man.
I would have preferred to be well behaved at camp when I was a teen but there’s a secret guild of pastor’s kids that makes you act up. They approached me when I turned 13 and informed me that as the eldest son in our family, it was my job to live up to the song “Son of a Preacher Man.” So I did what I had to do for the safety of my family. The PKG (Pastor’s Kid Guild) is a dangerous bunch. I’ve said too much.
But times have changed. I’m a dad of two little girls now that will one day go to summer camp or a church retreat. And when they do, some punk kid with a name like “Thayyne” is going to try to make purple with them. (Boys are signified as representing the color blue and girls the color pink. When they kiss, they make purple, so it’s common to hear youth ministers yelling “no making purple” at camp.)
And knowing that I can only arm my kids with so much sarcasm and Godly wisdom, I decided to create something youth ministers and leaders can use to dramatically reduce the amount of making out at camp. Taking lessons from Sun Tzu’s Art of War and Greene’s 48 Laws of Power, I have created the “Reduction Of Making Purple” Manifesto, otherwise known as the
ROMP Manifesto
1. Eliminate wartime propaganda
When Mao was fighting against the Nationalists in China, they used all sorts of propaganda to encourage their enemy to give up and join their side. Think that same thing doesn’t happen at camp? You’re crazy. The first thing you want to do is make a rule that no pants with writing on the butt can be worn. I promise, even if you put a Bible verse on the butt, or as K-Mart did “True Love Waits,” you’re only asking for trouble. Start camp with the rule “the butt is not a billboard.”
2. Encourage bad breath
In the eighth grade I used to date a girl named Sue. After every school dance, during which boys sat sullenly on one side and girls on the other while listening to Ace of Bass, we would walk to a local pizza joint. It used to kill me when Sue would eat Cool Ranch Doritos. Those may taste great, but it makes your breath smell like warm garbage. And Smartfood white cheddar popcorn has the same effect. It tastes good but makes your fingers and your mouth smell like throw up. So instead of having a well-stocked snack table or snack booth at camp, only offer bad breath items after 5PM. Call it the “garlic pickle rule.” Don’t sell gum or mints or other things that are going to make kids’ mouths like Alpine ski resorts of freshness. Focus on things like Swiss cheese, kippered jerky and other unpleasantly-flavored delights.
3. Know your enemy
Weeks before camp or a retreat begins go over the roster of people that will be attending with your staff. Put a check by the name of everyone you think is likely to at one point kiss someone. Go ahead and put a check by any of the pastor’s kids. Don’t be fooled by the dorks either. You might think the kids playing world of warcraft 82 hours a day aren’t going to make out, but they will. As Sun Tzu says, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt.”
4. Don’t create Gremlins
In the movie, “Gremlins,” the little creatures who were the star of the film got out of control if you fed them after a certain time. I look at kids and energy drinks the same way. Red Bull is not a beverage, it’s a gateway liquid to camp kiss-a-thons. Don’t let the kids load up on caffeine, but don’t just throw the energy drinks away. The Art of War says that “A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy.” Save those drinks for yourself, you’re going to need them my friend.
5. Get an informant
You need an inside man. Someone that can feed you information, like when someone is sneaking out or where the make out spots are. You’ll be tempted to play this role yourself, but don’t. Teens can spot a youth minister trying to act cool a mile away. Instead, find someone that will do the job for you if you give them an important sounding title like “assistant to the regional manager of no kissing.”
6. Master the terrain
Chances are, there are only a few places that kids could use for making purple. On the first day you get to camp, send out advance scouts. Have them analyze the area and take control of the high ground. Cabins your group isn’t using, secluded spots by the lake, tool sheds, your enemy is like water flowing to a weak spot in a dam. Go there first and create a “kiss map” so instead of trying to cover an entire camp ground at midnight when two kids go missing, you can check the five or six possible hot spots.
7. Make a sacrifice
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand was one of Napoleon’s chief advisors. When Napoleon was first sent to exile, Talleyrand knew that he would try to retake France. He felt that Napoleon would destroy the country, so he actually helped speed up Napoleon’s comeback plans. He realized that the faster he could make Napoleon fail at his plans, the less harm it would cause France. You need to do the same thing at camp. Instead of fighting the making purple issue, make it really easy for one couple to kiss and then get caught. One of the best ways to beat the enemy is to crush what scientists call their “kissing spirit.” OK, I made that phrase up, but the principle stands. Set a trap for two kids, give them a few seconds to kiss and then spring from the woods with your troops. As punishment, make them wear cow bells for the rest of camp. In addition to knowing where they are all times, you’ll show the entire camp that the teenage Kryptonite, embarrassment, awaits anyone caught.
8. Never underestimate the enemy
It’s tempting to believe in the kindness of humanity. Resist that temptation. I know people that made purple on mission trips. Another friend’s parents thought he gained 40 pounds in high school from being a big eater and didn’t suspect beer. My friend’s new car got smashed at church in the parking lot and the church member hit and run without leaving a note. As the policeman that filed the report said, “Even churches have squirrelly people.” Don’t think your kids who love sleeping in won’t set their alarms to sneak out at four in the morning. Don’t think that we won’t use a prayer walk as a chance to go make out. Don’t underestimate what we are capable of.
9. Never show your hand
When you are sharing the rules at camp, don’t reveal too many of your plans. Don’t say things like “we’ll be watching the lake shore and checking all the cabins at midnight to make sure everyone is in bed.” If you told me that as a teen, what I would have heard is, “Avoid the lake and feel free to leave your cabin three minutes after midnight.” As Sun Tzu advises, “By altering his arrangements and changing plans, the general keeps the enemy without definitive knowledge. By shifting his camp and taking circuitous routes, he prevents the enemy from anticipating his purpose.”
10. Use chemical warfare
Kids at camp should smell bad. That’s part of camp. That’s just what you do at a retreat. You should have a unique smell combination of sweat, sun tan lotion and bootleg cookies. So on day one, use chemical warfare and go around to each dorm and confiscate body sprays, colognes and perfumes. Especially take the ridiculous ones like Axe and those new products that promise girls will rip your clothes off if you splash on a few drops of what smells like discount Drakkar or Cool Water cologne.
11. Embrace audio assaults
You might not need to confiscate Prince’s “Purple Rain” as I imagine today’s teens have not discovered this fantastic record. But google a few songs before camp starts and make sure you never hear them played in the cabins. Lil’ Wayne’s song “lollipop” for instance should be eliminated at the gate. If you want to go old school fundamental, you can light them all on fire in a awesome bonfire of judgment. A bonus benefit is that everyone will smell smoky, which fits idea #10.
There are certainly other methods that work well when it comes to reducing camp make outs. But it’s almost the weekend and I didn’t want to turn on the SCL fire hose too hard and drown folks in words at the end of the week.
Did I miss one? Some technique that will work well? Let me know.
Comments
So yesterday I said that I loved that post much more than sarcasm and crazy funny. I was wrong. This made me laugh.. hard. Thanks… again! You're great at both ends of the spectrum.
Oh goodness. This made me laugh, and remember the really awkward speeches the Youth Ministers would make at the beginning of our Winter Retreat. I would have thought these speeches (in which they tried both to be hip and sort of disturbing) would have been enough to totally turn people off the idea of kissing at camp–but I doubt that worked. So I'm sure some of these other techniques must have come into play. I, however, NEVER would have broken the rules. Good thing I wasn't a PK.
I have a boy in youth group who started hanging out with a girl exclusively, but not "dating" because he told his parents they aren't going to do bad stuff like hold hands when they go see a movie. His parents are very impressed with his spirituality. I'm thinking he has the ability to lie with a straight face.
My husband and I met while working at a Christian summer camp and also worked there the following summer, after we'd been dating almost a year. Believe me when I say the counselors can be as bad about secret purpling as the kids. We weren't sneaking off to a tool shed or anything, but we definitely volunteered to run errands without the kids together
The mantra at the summer camp I attended regularly was "no PC." At the beginning of each week, they would make a big deal out of defining PC.
What's PC? Not pop-corn. Not politically correct. Not personal computer. Not [keep going with the PC references as long as you can].
What's PC? "Physical Contact!"
No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. No hips, no lips, no fingertips. (I made up the last phrase, but I think they should have used it.)
Hilarious!
My Dad was a pastor of a small Baptist Church when I was growing up.
We never went to church camp.
Hmmmm….maybe he was smarter than I realize!
Maybe it had something to do with my favorite color being purple!
I must have been incredibly oblivious when I was younger, because I went to camp and never saw any such goings-on. Either that, or I was nerdier than an unwashed teen who plays WOW 82 hours a day.
Also, I'm trying to imagine the taste of kippered jerky. It's not going well.
This is SO true. And it's funny to me how the most awkward kid in the youth group (the one NO ONE in the youth group would ever consider kissing) manages to find another awkward kindred soul in another youth group and they become inseparable during camp. I've never heard it called "purple" but I've sure spent a lot of time at camp breaking up intertwined couples. Sheesh.
Let's not forget about the serious make out sessions that happen on the BUS on the way to youth camp, or the prayer walk, or the retreat, etc…etc… "HAND CHECK!!!"
I'm a youth leader and we are constantly reminding the kids "no purpling".
you're right! it's a constant battle for anyone in student ministries. and just when you think you've almost nullified the situation, two of the "class clowns" would put their arms around each other and say to the leaders, "hey look! it's dark blue!!"
(as a joke)
i think they missed the point…
These are really good ideas for any parents of teens too.
Seriously, this made me laugh. My husband would so love the quote "the butt is not a bilboard" Every single one of these true and scary. My daughter attended two weeks of "camp" and "mission trips"
Jon:
I feel you must incorporate Steve's phrase: "No hips, no lips, no fingertips" at some point:
It's too good not to steal!
Now, I must convince the dog to go back to napping since I woke her up with gales of laughter….
This is quite possibly the greatest thing I've ever read. Thank you for putting this in writing. I'll be sharing this with many of my friends.
Together may we cause the power of purple to be squelched!
"the butt is not a billboard" I love it! I'm going to use that during my back-to-school/modesty fashion show!
In my youth group, it was always made to be a spiritual thing, you know, "this week is for focusing on God, so we're not going to let things like hand-holding and kissing detract from our time with God." So in order to climb the ranks of spirituality, (and therefore popularity) you had to put your relationship on hold for the duration of the trip. But there were always a bunch of people who believed the PDA rule didn't take effect until we arrived at the camp, so clearly making out in the van/bus/people mover was OK. For that reason, come sundown, guys and girls had to sit in separate rows in the vehicles. True fact.
I'm a youth minister… I'm adding this to my chaperone manual.
I encourage the boys in the youth group to kiss girls from other states on the last night at camp. I figure it's better than a girlfriend at home, right? At least at camp, kissing is as far as it goes.
Besides, they were too chicken anyway.
~Anonymous so they don't know that I think they're chicken!
This is awesome. My son's only problem is that he dates the Youth Pastor's daughter!
Having just finished a week of camp with 130 teenagers, I am now hearing things (that kids did) that make me cringe. The worst was when I said to several members of my youth group, "At least nobody died or got pregnant." They exchanged a look that could only mean the jury's still out on at least one of those items. Terrifying.
These are some hilarious (and good) suggestions. I laughed for a good 15 minutes. I might try the butt billboard rule for next year.
When I was a camper it was always "Plaid is Bad" and someone had found some pink & blue plaid fabric to illustrate. I was a terror for counselors – no actual kissing, but a lot of hugging and cuddling. Wow they must have hated me.
"If you're caught kissing, then you have to kiss me! And you have to kiss me in the same manner as you were caught kissing." –Old Grizzly Youth Minister who never got any when he was a teen and is making up for lost time.
Our kids definitely understand 'purple'. And although it's impossible to stop their hearts from beating fast, we manage to keep the 'PDA' at less than 5%. They never sit next to each other during travel. They're never allowed alone…anywhere. I remember church camp. I remember those bus trips. And from that we say "not on our watch". You MUST be proactive in this!!! And we hijack all electronic devices on trips. They are cut-off from the world and 100% ours.
Check out making your own version of this video to display youth group rules in a fun way: http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=9e6f473e213232b9ba11
At our camp, I, the youth leader, spent an hour searching for two kids making purple. I also had a kid in my youth group get pregnant at camp before…
I am going back into youth ministry, and I've developed a new plan. Kids don't want to do something they view as gross, so I think all the husband leaders should make out with their wives at some point during the day. Work a schedule. Kids will be disgusted. They won't kiss anyone for a while.
The camps I went to were always particularly diligent in fighting boy-girl back massages.
"back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room" was the phrase most commonly used!
also, playgrounds set up for staff kids are the ultimate purple hot spots, watch out for those!
HAHahahahahaha…bonfires of judgment. Awesome.
My summer camps had "no purple" rules, but one did allow side hugs. I think the specific rule was "no frontal hugging."
But watch out, youth leaders — it was at the ski retreats that things got wicked. Back rub trains were the best part of the weekend, and somehow they were always guy-girl-guy-girl…
HEHEHE…
Thayynne.
brilliant
I will say that I enjoyed reading all the suggestions. But do you honestly think you will completely get rid of "making purple?" The more you push kids the more they will rebel. Teach them what is right and trust that they will choose to do what is right. That is what my parents did for me and I really didn't make out at camp. It's all about respect not dictatorship. I'm glad I didn't have any of you as youth pastors. Mine were awesome and I learned a lot from them!
"Teens can spot a youth minister trying to act cool a mile away."
this is perhaps the truest statement i have heard. it's a form of ESP, i'm sure.
"Dark blue"… "Hot pink"… LOL I want to say "You don't even know!", but that would be rude.
In all 5 years of the college that I just graduated from, I was involved with Campus Crusade for Christ (great group to be with in college). We don't just have week-long or 2-week-long camps or mission trips… we have Summer Projects. These mission trips can run for up to 12 weeks, though the normal stateside ones run about 8 or 9. The Purple Rule applies to all of them… and since we're goofy college kids, we do the navy blue and hot pink stuff (never seriously) and laugh it up. It's a good clean way of bonding, in my opinion.
It can and does extend into the college years. And it can be hilarious and glorifying.
You weren't a ladies man back in the day? I'm shocked!
Hilarious post, once again.
While I agree with almost all of this, I do think number 7 is a bit flawed.
"As punishment, make them wear cow bells for the rest of camp. In addition to knowing where they are all times, you'll show the entire camp that the teenage Kryptonite, embarrassment, awaits anyone caught."
Having been a camper, then a CIT (Counselor in Training) and finally a Counselor at Camp Good News (TX) this usually very quickly becomes a medal of honor to be both achieved and then worn with pride (SEE, I REALLY DID KISS A GIRL!).
; )
How about yelling "flee your youthful lusts" at regular intervals over the camp loudspeakers?
LOVE this.
I was always the naive innocent little nerdlet who fell asleep the minute my head hit the camp pillow. I probably would have made a great Making Purple Scout/Traitor.
This is flat out FANTASTIC. Except for the fact that I really want to go make out now. Where's my wife…
I am also a member of the PKG, and boy did I live up to the standards at summer camps! Thank you for encouraging bad breath, I believe that tip alone can stop many purple sessions… I have always hated dorito breath and won't even kiss my husband if he eats them! Well done
Oh, and our camp director (to us camp counselors, back in the day) call guy/girl backrubs, "Christian Youth Sex."
Excellent post!
I think this might be your best one yet! I am going to put a link to this on my blog tomorrow.
"Ace of Bass"? What is that, some sort of fish card game? Could you have meant "Ace of Base?"
Am I going crazy? I swear I have read this post before… even down to the bit about Sue and her swiss cheese breath. Is it a re-post?
"Making purple"? Is that even real? Church camp is hilarious.
Awesome. As a member of the PKG, a decade-long camp worker, and former youth pastor, this is great. I wish I had thought of some of these, and some of them I know work well. LOL.
Oh dear… I've been absent from this site for a while and I come back only to read a post that reminds me of all my purpling in high school!
Jon, where were you with this list back then? (Oh, that's right – you were a youth too…)
What makes me mad is that it was SOOOO easy to get away with! Our "youth leaders" and/or chaperones were in bed by 10, didn't check the rooms before or after lights out, and had a general "let's not say anything and maybe it will go away" attitude!
I managed to share a sleeping bag w/ my boyfriend in the common room ALL NIGHT, keep a guy in my bunk for almost 2 hours past lights out in the girls dorm, stay up late w/ a boy by a roaring (romantic) fire w/ no adult supervision… and let's not even talk about the bus trips!
I'm such a paranoid youth leader now, I don't even allow a boy & a girl to share a blanket if all the florescent lights are on and I'm sitting next to them!
This was a great post. Partly because even though it's really sarcastic, most of it's true.
Especially #5. The first thing I do when I get to a church is find the informants. They give me backgrounds, dating histories, and likely perpetrators. I just got back from a retreat where I had somehow managed to have a informant in every room. I slept well that trip.
I had a friend who was watching a guy from another church hit on one of her girls and the girl started to fall for it. My friend sat down in between them and commenced passing gas. That might be a bit excessive as well as disgusting but it worked.
Every few days, some guy would volunteer to stay up late with me on "night watch" at camp. Apparently, my patrols were known as the ultimate "how to" course in finding the best spots. They were simply doing research.
But it was only when the entire summer was over I found out about the one spot I never checked: the camp bus, used to take the kids in our water-ski specialty camp to another lake each day.
My first year in youth ministry was really rough. About 3 months in was camp. Due to administrative issues our girls' group was separated into more than one cabin, with me being not an assistant to an experienced youth worker, but chief youth worker for my group of girls. Unfortunately, 2days into camp, I found out the hard way that not only does pink and blue make purple, but pink and pink make… pink. We had to have a very uncomfortable meeting with the youth pastor to find out how to address the issue. We addressed it, and we learned a very important lesson as youth workers. This generation is being hit harder than any generation ever has been hit before, and if we are going to win them for Christ, we have to know what we're up against and not be blind to what the enemy is up to.
WV= snemun- I'm gonna just put that out there. I'm thinking of a sneeze and a bodily fluid. I'm gonna forego the use of that word in a sentence.
This is by far one for THE MOST funniest posts I have read in a long long time. Thanks for the laughter!!