#613. Church Hugs
Sep 8th by adminLast weekend, I was one of the breakout speakers at the North Point Community Church Single’s Retreat. (When they first invited me, I thought they said “breakdance speakers” and got my breakin’ 2 electric bugaloo cardboard square out.) I did two different topics, one of which was called “Date Less Jerks.” (Yes, “fewer” would have been technically correct but that has no flow.) In that message I encouraged folks to avoid dating and becoming a jerk. (Unfortunately a lot of that one is drawn from my personal experience of being a jerk.)
In preparation for the event I spoke to a couple of my friends, Misty and Tim, who work in the Singles Department at North Point. In addition to giving me some speech pointers, they challenged my knowledge of church hugs that are currently popular amongst singles.
“Hey,” I thought, “I know all about church hugs. I wrote the side hugs post forever ago. I made a t-shirt celebrating my love of the hug. I’ve got a PhD in hugging.” Wow was I wrong.
Maybe I’ve been out of the game for too long. Maybe I was never that good at hugging to begin with. It’s possible that people just felt bad and didn’t want to break it too me that I was horrible at hugging, and although externally they smiled, internally they were dying slow deaths of awkwardness and Acqua Di Gio cologne every time I embraced them. Hard to say, but I don’t want you to be as pitiful at the church hug as I am. So after much research, a few usability tests that I ran with my wife in our living room and more bar graphs than I care to count, here is a list of the varieties of church hugs you need to be prepared for.
1. The Three Strikes and You’re Out
Apparently, if you’re single and someone pats your back three times when you hug, that’s to let you know that you’re out of any possible dating contention and are firmly locked into the “friend-zone.” When someone hits your back three times, “pat, pat, pat,” in your head you should imagine that hand beating out the chorus to the song, “You’re a friend, just a friend. It’s the end, you’re a friend.”
2. The Circle of Something Something
If instead of a pat, the person hugs you and rubs their hand in a circle on your back, there might be something something a foot. “Hey, maybe we could go on a date. This hug at the end of a group get together just got circlicious. Is there something here?” There is my friend, there is. You don’t casually do the circle on someone’s back, that’s only two steps removed from a massage. This could be love.
3. The Multitasker
Guys will hug, as long as one of their hands can be multitasking in some sort of complicated handshake at the exact same moment. It starts with the handshake, which gets flipped into some sort of knuckle grab which then pulls you into a one armed hug that culminates in a three strikes and you’re out. Some people will tell you that it should be concluded with one or both guys saying, “dawg” but those people are gravely mistaken.
4. The Over Under
Although I’ve been very honest about my desire to never interlink fingers with you during an “everyone hold hands” moment at church, I’m surprisingly not opposed to an over under. What’s that? It’s a hug where someone goes over the shoulders with their arms and the other person goes under the shoulders. Executed in the right context, it’s an incredibly kind way to comfort someone during a trying time or a sad moment on a church retreat. Executed in the wrong context, like someone has just scored a hole in one in God’s favorite sport Frisbee golf, and it feels like you’re trying to slow dance in the eighth grade. (To Millie Vanilli’s “Blame it on the Rain” in case you were curious.)
5. The A Frame
Epic fail on my part. When I wrote the side hug post I thought the A frame was actually just another name for a side hug. Nope. An A frame is kind of a half committed full frontal hug. You hug, but you only touch clavicle to clavicle. Your torsos don’t actually really touch and from the side, it looks like you and the other person are forming an A. It’s a perfect hug to do during the “greet the people around you” moment at church. Instead of trying to escape out of the row or aisle, you can lean over, with the pew between you and hug someone’s neck.
Hopefully we’ve cleared up a lot of hug misconceptions today. No one wants to lean in for a deeply moving over under hug and instead be greeted by a multitasker but unless we’re all on the same page, hug train wrecks going to continue happening in churches around the world.
Are you a hugger?
What’s your style?
Did I leave any off the list?
Comments
A roommate in college had a very unusual approach to hugging guys.
He would go in pelvis first, forcing the unsuspecting huggee to resort to an A Frame just to keep things at a full frontal hug.
I always thought the three pats were for "I'm not gay"
Being short, the Over Under is indispensable. Going all under is just weird and makes me feel 10 all over again. And an all over hug is simply impossible, even on tip toes, with tall people.
HAHa.
I remember myself doing the "Hug and leave lipstick" on our superintendent wife's dress. Yes, that kind of hug.
The moment when your eyes go wide and you don't look at her shoulder or reach for it to rub it, cuz if you do she'll look and see the very noticeable big blotch of brown lipstick on the pretty silk that probably cost her a fortune just to look that pretty for a service dedicated to her and her husband as a retirement/farewell ceremony.
Very embarrassing.
I vote if you're going to A-frame or side-hug me, that you just leave me alone instead. They're pokey, boney hugs and it's just uncomfortable.
You may blow me a kiss instead.
@Laura – LOVE the poem. Thanks for sharing!
What about the greeting kisses?? How can you tell if someone is going for the "cheek to cheek" or right on in for the "peck on the lips"? And WHY do people go for the peck on the lips anyway?? Ugh! Nothing worse than leaning in for an innocent cheek to cheek and having the person turn their head with their lips all puckered up. Depending on their trajectory, they end up either kissing your cheek, your hair or your neck. I'm Italian, and I STILL don't get it…
All I know is when I was single, married men at church hugged me all the time and it was weird for me. Funny, now that I'm married, no men at church hug me.
I'm cool with that. The kids hug me, my chicks hug me, and sometimes my husband hugs me whilst there too.
I hug like a bear. That's how we UCLA Bruins do it. But, I also do the A frame formation–it's all proper guy code.
What about the "X" hug where each person has their right arm over the others left shoulder (or vice- versa) and if you're not careful it can look like you might possible be making out with yourself? This is all to common with the youth croup at my church.
I totally thought of another one…The I'm up You're Down, where one person is still sitting (like the lady in the wheelchair that always sits at the end of your row). So you have to bend over and stick your hiney out for everyone to ogle in order to hug her. Often seen in resturants too.
Hi Jon-
I subscribe to your blog but never comment. I totally should be better about that since you totally crack me up, but really, that's beside the point.
Anyway, I just got so tickled reading this post because I work in youth ministry and just this past May, I wrote a whole blog post on "The Art of Hugging". Seriously, hugging etiquette cracks me up!
So, instead of shamelessly plugging my blog in that earlier post where you told us to do so, I am going to plug it here.
The hugging post is:
http://lindseelou.blogspot.com/2009/05/art-of-hugging.html
By the way, single girl here! Got any single guys you know of living in Houston?? I mean, after all, you did speak at a singles retreat! HA! Totally kidding!
Have a great day!
Lindsee
as a non-hugger by nature who spends all summer at Bible camp, I am definitely familiar with all types of hugs!
Most-used hugs: the diagonal (or the "X" hug), and the over-under (under for me, I'm short).
I yell at guys who do the multi-task thing to me…I hate it.
However, I use the 3 pats fairly regularly.
Most (intentionally) awkward hug I've ever been a part of: the "Calvary-approved" hug. I went to Bible college where any type of PDA was outlawed. The "Calvary-approved" hug is an extreme version of the "A-frame" where the two parties stand about 3 feet apart and lean in just enough to pat the other's shoulders. Almost always followed by bouts of laughter and at least a side-hug or an "X" hug.
I think hug-time at church is some of the best people watching you can find.
One of my favorites is when a really tall guy and the really short girl at church end up next to each other. There's that moment where they turn and kind of size each other up as they mentally run through the hug options. For some reason it normally ends up with the girls arms around his waist while the guy awkwardly pats the side or top of her head. Looks a lot like a scene from Harry and the Hendersons.
I have hug phobia, ESPECIALLY when it comes to church hugs.
This post made me squirm.
You know, you forgot three hugs…
The Co-Ed Linger- You go for the hug, she accepts and puts her head on your shoulder or chest in a way that lets you know she's planning on staying a while. It CAN NOT go the other way around, or the guy is just creepy. When it does happen to you, it beats the circles by a long shot, unless it's followed by the word "brother" in any context.
The Crusher- Two uber-manly bros feel the need to show love and test their strength at the same time. That's when The Crusher comes in, which is as much a test of wills as it is a hug. It ends in a hearty three-pat, and by the third pat you both know who would win in a fight.
The Squeezer- You know that woman whose strong aroma announces her presence about five seconds in advance? She's been seeing your name on the prayer chain and wants to make sure everything is okay, so she comes in for the long, strong hug that may or may not end in a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek. In Christ's Love.
The "Yes, we are together, and no, we have not kissed dating goodbye"- It is the one that all the girls go "aww…" for, the one that is an affirmation of the affection in the relationship and a confirmation of the existence of said relationship. It might just get a couple of pansy-pants preseason players (the ones who have all the right moves but stop before the actual results) to make it count with that girl that's been hanging on their every word since the Christmas Eve service.
I'm a diagonal hugger. Although, depending on height, I sometimes go for the Over-Under. But my personal opinion on the A-frame is this:
Commit or quit!
A half-hearted, limp, no-squeeze, A-frame hug is as bad as a wimpy handshake. And it's super awkward. I say either commit to a good and meaningful squeeze, or spare each other the awkward moment.
WV: tallaso. What you say when you're proven right. "What? You just received an A-frame hug and agree that it's awkward? See. Tallaso!"
I LAUGHED OUT LOUD!! You have outdone yourself, Acuff.
That 8th grade dance you're talking about is called "The Junior High Sway". They're considering it a new category for SYTYCD. It's more complicated than one might think. Does the girl put her open palms on the guy's shoulders or does she interlock her fingers at his neck and rub the back of his fade with her thumbs? And the guy: hands on the waist or further toward her hips, as if he had no idea how close he was to no man's land. "Woah, Mr. Chaperone, the song was so tender (Roni) I had no idea my hands slipped to her back pockets during the interlude."
My name is Stacy and I'm an A Framer.
Hilarious stuff, Jon. I'm admittedly an all out bear hugger but only with people that initiate a hug – I never hug someone against their will. I like hugs and have been told that I'm "the best hugger" on multiple occasions so I think my system is working.
wv: comersit – a hug so long that you're sure you're going to have to sit with the hugger through the sermon.
For everyone who dissed the A Frame hug I have one thing to say: I am an A Framer and not only do I love deeply but I also avoid Swine Flu. No hands, people, just clavicle intimacy. When the rest of you end up with Pig Cough you'll reconsider. I'll be awaiting you with open A Framed arms.
For now:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
X-treme — More Than Words.
What about hugging the little ones? When one of the adorable little kids (no taller than wais-waist high) runs at you full force, grabs you around the legs, hips (or whatever is arm-level) and squeezes. My hug response is to pat the little one's head and back, if I can reach it. The rug-rat hug. Yes?
unfortunately you missed on the over under…… The over under is when you hug someone and one arm is over the shoulder and one arm is under the arm.
It's a great hug because you get to pull your hugging buddy in close, but it can't be confused for awkward snuggle time.
So what does the awkward, squeezing way too hard for way too long why are you still hugging me hug (followed up of course with a mmmm you smell really good) I got from my not so beloved father in law mean?
I usually love to hug people, but him… not so much.
When I read the word "circlicious," I literally laughed out loud! All 4 of my kids stopped what they were doing to turn around and look at me. Classic.
I'm going to let the less vs. fewer thing go this one time. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Next time, I'm outta here.
I'm definitely a hugger, and also five foot two. When I worked at a camp this summer, we had "hug everyone time" at the end of the Friday meetings, and I definitely did a lot of over-unders. Also discovered that most guys over 6' don't know how to hug. They awkwardly try to side hug, but since a comfortable height for them is grabbing my head, they have to give in to the frontal hug. That's a weird moment.
The most interesting one, for short people, is when you frontal hug someone tall and they have one hand on your back and the other in the middle of the back of your head. Very comforting – for a maximum of ten seconds when they hopefully remember that you can't breathe.
wv: jagaga – the very crazy, exuberant hugger who hugs everyone as fast as possible.
I am a total 3 pat (sometimes 4 if you're lucky) hugger. Most of the time I get a "you hug like a grandma" response. I don't know why or when I started doing this.
Jon, you left out the part of the multitasking hug where the guys start with a handshake that is pulled into the multitasking hug while a phrase like "brothers don't shake, they hug" is uttered by one or both of them. I do it all the time…
I thought maybe your title was "Date Less, Jerks!"
I'm a one of those bear hugger types. It's just not a real hug otherwise. I rarely hug men, just a few whose wives I always hug also, and none anywhere near my age except on random occasions when they jokingly ask for one, and then they only get side hugs.
I try not to hug people who don't like hugs and I never give kisses.
What about this guy? What about Deluxe Hugs?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJfYAJJYMqg
Would that conflict with dating less jerks?
What about missions trips?
I'm so awkward with hugs. I never know which kind the other person is going in for and full frontal hugs with two girls can just be awkward altogether. I usually settle for making it a side hug always to avoid any awkwardness, but then the other person feels like I hug pwned them.
good thing we live in the Netherlands where nobody hugs…we just kiss each other on the cheeks three times. Left right left or vice-versa (could lead to embarrassing situations when you don't know which cheek to kiss first)
LOL. I love these categories- I'm pretty sure I saw ALL of them last Sunday.
Like Anonymous @ 6:16, I'm all about hugs but the delivery is sometimes complicated due to my, you know, formidable height. =)
You forgot the leg wrap hug. It can be a partial or a full wrap. Some circles think it's inappropriate for visitor meet and greet, but I think it's a matter of personal preference.
One suggestion, though. If you use this type of hug in a "Still on Fire" or "Walker Optional" group function, you might want to use the partial leg wrap hug and support your own weight till you know if they have the "new kind" of artificial knee.
it's important to note that the A-frame OR the side hug can also be executed to portray this message: "we aren't good enough friends to be secure that we are only friends, but let me be clear – I don't LIKE LIKE you." because a full-on hug, or dare I say, an over-under, is akin to a marriage proposal. I'm in seminary… and these hug are RAMPANT in our student center. I'm not sure who let the word out that single seminary girls equate full hugs to marriage proposals, but it seems to be the opinion of 9/10 single seminary boys. don't even get me started on high fives…
Also – you made the over-under sound super creepy if you weren't being comforting… I'm rethinking my hugging style now and hoping that I haven't been creeping people out for years!! shoot.
There are two less common hugs missing from the list. The first I've done on occasion to other really good guy friends I haven't seen in a long time. And that would be to totally jump in there arms and make them catch me. This is pretty funny because I'm not a small guy and they rarely see it coming. Maybe we could call that one the Kamikaze hug.
The second hug I learned from my best friend I met in college. It only works with same sex hugs, otherwise it gets creepy. Hug the other person until it gets awkward. However long that takes and then hang on a little longer.
These are two very entertaining hugs because of the reactions you get. I highly recommend them.
I'm a 29 year old female pastor, and in our training we were taught the best way to shake hands (you know, the awkward "receiving line" at the door after worship) so as to avoid a hug.
Always shake with the right hand as normal and put the left hand up on their right shoulder. This means you'll always have an arms-length between you.
I've made this standard practice and avoiding an inappropriate hug just this week!
Can you do a post on the 'go around and greet people at church' thing? I mean, we just walked in and told everyone 'hi', hugged them, explained where we were last Sunday, etc. Then, 10 minutes later we have to do it all over again. Annoys me!
I was a Worship Pastor for 12 years and I bet I said "take a moment and greet someone around you" at least 650 of the over 700 Sundays I led. Want to know a secret? It's not about the biblical injunction to "greet one another"… nope, it's just a way to have a mini-break in the mood, maybe "warm 'em up" a bit to clap/singout to the song that's about to start with a solid beat. Or time to slap a capo on the guitar. Or most of the time it's just the thang to do 'cause it's what you always do after the first long song or two-song medley.
And there are all those hundreds of people, many of them saying in their head "I HATE this part! Argh! Almost enough to make me stay home. So fake and cornball." Yet I subjected them to it week after week because the mic was MINE, all MINE!
And now I'm just a business guy sitting on the 6th row, right side on the aisle w/my wife. And I HATE, HATE, HATE the greet-n-hug moments. YUCK. Hate 'em. Jon, why do you insist on carrying on the stupid tradition I enforced for so long? The only people who like it are the worship team and the creepy huggers. A-Frames, 3-pats, man hugs, even ROAMING huggers all being foisted upon a silent majority who don't have a bible verse like "leave thy neighbor alone" to defend themselves. So they "greet one another" and get one-anothered week after week until it dawns on them… "I can just stay home!"
How 'bout we greet one another with a note? Or a shout out across the room? Or with a little Christian wave?
Whew. I feel better having been to confessional here on this blog… thank you for listening … and I'm not even Catholic.
AND there is a hug unique to women, the One-Handed-Purse-Carrying hug. This always happens to me when I greet our rector and deacon after the service, when I have my purse over one shoulder or arm. In order to avoid smacking them with a wildly swinging purse carried by the momentum of leaning in, you have to do a sort of modified one-armed A-frame thing and kind of pat with the purse-carrying arm, but carefully so as to avoid the purse-weapon situation. SO AWKWARD.
Yeah, we Dutch don't hug. We kiss each other three times on the cheek when we see each other, which I find surprisingly less confrontational than a hug!
(and I just saw there's a fellow Dutchie on here! That doesn't happen often..)
I don't know what it is but people always go for my teddy bear hugs. If someone has been away for a while and they come back to church they don't say "oh I missed you so much" they say… "oh I missed your big ole teddy bear hugs!"
I guess I just have a gift! what can I say!
I never realized it but the "three strikes you're out" hug is something I totally do! My favorite church hug is like the A- Frame but with only one arm. For me hugging is the most awkward thing ever so if I can do it with minimal touching, it's a great day!
You should do a post on "Hug Regret". You are leaning in to hug someone when it dawns on you that THEY DON'T WANT A HUG.
Awkward.
Wow. A wonderful lady I go to church with uses the her over me under hug and most of the time her collarbone catches me in the neck like a clothesline. I'm sure some folks have seen my strained expression during one of those hugs and it is embarrasing. A huggin fan who comes from a hugging family… I 've never experienced anything like this before. Has anyone else? Duh and why haven't I said something to her….thats the real question.
Great site. Just wanted to add that I had no idea that there could possibly be any meaning behind circle or pats other than just offering comfort or to give encouragement…like a pat on the back used to mean! Guess for the single folks things have different meanings.
1
This cant be serious ITS JUST A HUG
No it is not meant to be entirely serious. We do use heavy doses of sarcasm, satire and silliness around here.