#613. Church Hugs
Sep 8th by adminLast weekend, I was one of the breakout speakers at the North Point Community Church Single’s Retreat. (When they first invited me, I thought they said “breakdance speakers” and got my breakin’ 2 electric bugaloo cardboard square out.) I did two different topics, one of which was called “Date Less Jerks.” (Yes, “fewer” would have been technically correct but that has no flow.) In that message I encouraged folks to avoid dating and becoming a jerk. (Unfortunately a lot of that one is drawn from my personal experience of being a jerk.)
In preparation for the event I spoke to a couple of my friends, Misty and Tim, who work in the Singles Department at North Point. In addition to giving me some speech pointers, they challenged my knowledge of church hugs that are currently popular amongst singles.
“Hey,” I thought, “I know all about church hugs. I wrote the side hugs post forever ago. I made a t-shirt celebrating my love of the hug. I’ve got a PhD in hugging.” Wow was I wrong.
Maybe I’ve been out of the game for too long. Maybe I was never that good at hugging to begin with. It’s possible that people just felt bad and didn’t want to break it too me that I was horrible at hugging, and although externally they smiled, internally they were dying slow deaths of awkwardness and Acqua Di Gio cologne every time I embraced them. Hard to say, but I don’t want you to be as pitiful at the church hug as I am. So after much research, a few usability tests that I ran with my wife in our living room and more bar graphs than I care to count, here is a list of the varieties of church hugs you need to be prepared for.
1. The Three Strikes and You’re Out
Apparently, if you’re single and someone pats your back three times when you hug, that’s to let you know that you’re out of any possible dating contention and are firmly locked into the “friend-zone.” When someone hits your back three times, “pat, pat, pat,” in your head you should imagine that hand beating out the chorus to the song, “You’re a friend, just a friend. It’s the end, you’re a friend.”
2. The Circle of Something Something
If instead of a pat, the person hugs you and rubs their hand in a circle on your back, there might be something something a foot. “Hey, maybe we could go on a date. This hug at the end of a group get together just got circlicious. Is there something here?” There is my friend, there is. You don’t casually do the circle on someone’s back, that’s only two steps removed from a massage. This could be love.
3. The Multitasker
Guys will hug, as long as one of their hands can be multitasking in some sort of complicated handshake at the exact same moment. It starts with the handshake, which gets flipped into some sort of knuckle grab which then pulls you into a one armed hug that culminates in a three strikes and you’re out. Some people will tell you that it should be concluded with one or both guys saying, “dawg” but those people are gravely mistaken.
4. The Over Under
Although I’ve been very honest about my desire to never interlink fingers with you during an “everyone hold hands” moment at church, I’m surprisingly not opposed to an over under. What’s that? It’s a hug where someone goes over the shoulders with their arms and the other person goes under the shoulders. Executed in the right context, it’s an incredibly kind way to comfort someone during a trying time or a sad moment on a church retreat. Executed in the wrong context, like someone has just scored a hole in one in God’s favorite sport Frisbee golf, and it feels like you’re trying to slow dance in the eighth grade. (To Millie Vanilli’s “Blame it on the Rain” in case you were curious.)
5. The A Frame
Epic fail on my part. When I wrote the side hug post I thought the A frame was actually just another name for a side hug. Nope. An A frame is kind of a half committed full frontal hug. You hug, but you only touch clavicle to clavicle. Your torsos don’t actually really touch and from the side, it looks like you and the other person are forming an A. It’s a perfect hug to do during the “greet the people around you” moment at church. Instead of trying to escape out of the row or aisle, you can lean over, with the pew between you and hug someone’s neck.
Hopefully we’ve cleared up a lot of hug misconceptions today. No one wants to lean in for a deeply moving over under hug and instead be greeted by a multitasker but unless we’re all on the same page, hug train wrecks going to continue happening in churches around the world.
Are you a hugger?
What’s your style?
Did I leave any off the list?
Comments
Uugh…that circle of something something can be creeeeepy
WV: sessist. Is that a message?
When I read the title "Over Under" I thought it would be referring to what I guess might be referred to instead as The Diagonal, where you split the difference of an Over Under. That's my usual style, largely because most of my friends are at least six inches taller than I am and The Diagonal helps a person not to feel so much like an eight-year-old hugging their parents. (The Over Under being great for those times short people feel like they need a parental-level-comfort sort of hug.)
I say dawg after a man-hug. Proud to do so!
I'll remember the three-stikes, since next week is Freshers at my bible college, and I want to make it clear to all the new females that I'm not looking to date for a while.
You should do a post on how to avoid the hugs part. Sometimes, you just don't want to hug anyone.
I'm a diagonal hugger too.
Sometimes I mix it up as a diagonal/A-framer.
I only hug my friends, my family and the elderly women. With friends it's going in like you're shaking their hand, then with your other arm reach for their back and pull them closer.
Family it's squeezing and pats and with elderly women it's very gentle hugs, I may accidently crack their back.
You should do a post on "the hug lady" at church. You know every church probably has one. The lady whose mission field is to hug everyone whether they want to be hugged or not. My husband finally figured out if he told her every time she came to hug him that he didn't like hugs, she would stop after about the 5th time. I'm a sympathy hugger, though…I'll hug her just because my husband won't!
Oh, and don't forget the side hug with the cheek press. Old ladies at my church love that one. They just have to rub cheeks with somebody then you have people all over the church with Mrs.Hazel's rouge all over their face.
Uhhh jon, you/they DON'T understand the 3 pats… between men at least. they are the standard heterosexual sign language for "I'm not gay"
ohh and if someone follows the 3 pats up with a circle rub… as you have indicated that's sign language for "maybe" or "uncertain". beware of the "3 pat and rub" between men.
"i'm not gay…. i think"
You left out the awkard hug that neither participant wants to do but each person is thinking, "Ugh, they're going for a hug, I'll have to play along" Resulting in an awkward A frame back pat combo.
Then there's the one where the woman goes for a frontal hug but changes to a side hug at the last moment. This sends the same message as a back pat.
And what's wrong with the under over? I'm tall so unless I go over it's extreeeeemely awkward
I am not a hugger, but if I see one coming I turn it into a side hug or multitask it into the ground. I will say that your hug list seems focused on male/female missing out on a few important bits. Specifically that the man hug seems to be a dying art form. In my church I have discovered that the men like hugging. In fact, from talking with other ministers in the area this is an epidemic around the valley. I'm talking sweaty full front hugs if you aren't careful. *shudder*
This trend has been coming into the Youth group and so I've taken it upon myself to teach the proper man hug to these boys. Now a side hug is the preferred arrangement but that is a little advanced for them so I'm helping them to understand how the man hug works. For those wondering it goes a little like the multitasker in the outset. It is important to keep the hand between at just below the sternum and to leave ample space below so in a way it is also a modified A frame. Then comes the length of the hug. As soon as shoulder contact is made the free hand is to go around for a single smack on the back. If desired you may extend this to a total of three whacks but no more. Notice I said "smack" and "whacks." This is the most important detail. Done properly the man hug should hurt a little. Extra points if you cause someone to wince or cry out in pain. Those points aren't really bonus points though since you are actually stealing man points from the guy that reacted to the pain.
Finally, never give a girl a man hug, not even your sister.
I'm an A-framer myself, when hugging men.
But with woman and children, depending on the message I'm trying to send, I'm usually a full frontal body hugger- especially if they're hurting.
I hate when a full frontal man hug tries to come at my A-frame hugging style- very awkward. I think each church should vote on a hug style list to be given to new members and visitors just to clarify.
How about the "I'm done hugging, why are you still hugging me, extra squeeze/pat". I am NOT a hugger but I endure them for the sake of others. I'll shake your hand but please don't try to embrace me.
And, yes, you should do a post about the church hug lady (also known as the church cheek kiss lady).
Nick the Geek, THANK YOU. Thank you for instructing the brothers of the hugisphere to not give girls the man-hug. I have been man-hugged so many times it is ridiculous. Usually these guys start it off with some complicated handshake/clapping routine that takes them upwards of three minutes to teach me (and reminds me of my contemporary dance class days). After the humilation of not being able to properly accomplish this phase of the ritual, they then move on to the knuckle grip-pull in-shoulder bump-back whack part. This leaves me feeling even more confused and sore, to boot.
So, please, men – I know you think it's loving, and I'm sure it is – save us the awkwardness and general discomfort of having to shake your ankle, hop around in a circle and shout "DAWG!" in the middle of the congregation. Just give us the A-frame and be done with it. Thank you.
What about the creepy old man who likes to do a little "massaging" when he hugs or likes to throw in an extra squeeze or kiss on the cheek? You can't accuse him of anything inappropriate…afterall it's church and he's old.
This was actually a topic of coversation among the women in our young adult Sunday school class. Our first instinct was to avoid the creepy hugger…but you can only circle the auditorium so many times before he catches you. My solution is to be the hugger not the huggee. When you initiate the hug you can control it…i.e. side hug rather than full front, cheek press rather than kiss. It also helps if you hand him a stack of Sunday school materials to keep his hands busy while you initiate the A-frame.
I thought the same as Thursday. Though I refer to the Diagonal as the Spider. I suppose "The Diagonal" has a better ring though.
I discovered this hug when old ladies at my church would try to go over, forcing me to go under, even though I'm a good foot and a half taller than they are. Now when they go for the hug, I quickly raise one arm and lower the other so that I'm not hugging like a tyrannosaurus rex.
At our church we are encouraged every sunday before the sermon to go and find someone we don't know and give them a hug, because we'll "all be huggers in heaven".
Personally, I remain unconvinced of this and tend to use my toddler as a human shield to fend off any hugs or as an excuse for not inflicting a hug on some hapless visitor!
Oh. OK. I thought the variations at my Church were because I'm Catholic….but no…you personally were just severely limited with the side hug..
Me? A frame.
Jon, thank you for saving my life. Thank you so much for throwing my foolhardy dreams of instant marriage and kids-a-plenty under a bus before it was too late. You see, there's this guy – Darren, Dreamy Darren – at youth group. I was in love with him, him and his blonde-haired, Bible-reading ways. Every week at the beginning of youth we all greeteach other with hugs. I always looked forward to hugging Darren, Dreamy Darren. He always gave warm, cheery hugs … followed by three pats on the back. Silly, unedumicated me thought these were soothing pats of welcome, but I was wrong – so very, very wrong. After weeks of these three fateful strikes, I still had not realized he did not love me, or even like me enough me to ask me out to Chick-fil-a for lunch after church one day (where he would inevitably fall in love with me). *sigh* So, thank you, Jon. Thank you for saving me years of heartache and pain. Darren, Dreamy Darren is clearly not the one for me, and you have opened my eyes to see that. (Wait! Harry, Hotty Harry once circled me on the back after he hugged me… The future is bright! Thank you!)
I've always been told the 3 pats of the multitask/manhug signify "we're not gay."
Gotta love the Aframe!! Classic Christian hug…
I was there telling someone I'd just met how I try to puff up and use my full height and excess weight to send a message that I want to be hugged.
I swear the greeter heard me and decided to put his head in the lion's mouth so to speak. I'm now reminded of the scene from the Simpsons movie where Flanders and Bart go fishing and Bart drops the rod into the lake… hmm. Not the auto-strangling bit either.
wv: exaho – French word for the A-Frame. (fail?)
Wooh, this reminds my of the very nice The Hug Poem by Bradley Hathaway. I hope this doesn't get deleted as spam: — the reason i wanted to post it because of the nice description of the under/over hug. And because i really like it.
I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people
I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it
And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets
I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me
But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those
BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that
And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose
The only person I DON'T A-frame hug at church is my husband. He gets an over under. I like hugs, but I don't want to be quite so physically close to every old lady, creepy guy, and friend's husband.
I take it back. My niece doesn't get an A-frame. But she's six years old, and her head only comes to my waist. An A-frame would be kind of impossible.
Hilarious post! Love this! I recognize each type of hug. I am such a hugger! But, the type depends on who I am hugging and the situation.
This post is hilarious. I'm with Thursday – I'm partial to The Diagonal. However, what happened to just giving someone a full on hug? Arms around the neck, other arms around the waist. Where did that hug go?
Hahahahahaha
Great post. My husband and I have a couple that we love to hang out with and we have actually had the discussion on awkward hugging. My husband likes to hug the other wife with an exagerrated "A-Frame" just so no one thinks either of their crotches ever touch. The other husband hugs me using the same technique. However, each of us wants to let the other know they are more than just an acquaintance that recieves the "A-frame" hug during the greet your nieghbor session at church. So we give the circular motion with our hands in the process.
#4. For my age group it was "Color My World" — Wow! I'm old.
I can testify to the circular motion hug. A group of us went to go watch Petra on one of their "final" tours. There was a girl I liked but I was not pursuing anything. Anyway when we hugged goodbye she did the circular motion – I immediately thought "Hey, maybe there is something going on here" – we have now been married for 6 years
I'm definitely a hugger… another twist to this issue is how I angle my hugs with women. As a guy, I have to be careful not to get too much "squeeze" from a woman's chest region. That could be awkward, send mixed message, and not be very godly. A-framing the hug allowing me to hurdle the issue, and a sidehug allows me to sidestep it.
If the girl initiates a very full-frontal hug, well… I think God understands.
I think one should only hug those of the same sex. Otherwise it could be misinterepreted or taken advantage of by the wrong type of people. Same sex hugging is the safest bet–and no you dont have to hug everyone you see!! Some visitors may not be open to this–we really need to be more sensitive.
I got a circle hug at church once. From a married man. He and his wife now sit on the other side of the sanctuary.
I am glad to see the diagonal mentioned here. I prefer the diagonal-A-frame for men but many men go for the side hug. It's awkward when you are on the way into the diagonal and realize they are going side…oops.
For my girlfriends–diagonal, for sure (when neither of us have our arms full…which is almost never–gotta go for the side hug if a toddler or a very large purse is being held!)
Ha ha. This so funny. For me, the circle hug is just creepy. Guys, don't do that.
And if a woman starts with the frontal and switches to the side. It doesn't mean she's not interested
It simply means that she doesn't want her um…how can I put this…her chest in a dude's space. So don't take it as rejection. If a woman isn't interested, she does the three pats on the back thing. At least that's what me and my friends do 
I love the Hug poem-sometimes I do feel that Jesus is hugging me (when I most need it).
Also, for those of you who don't like to hug, just hold up your hand and say, "swine flu, you understand" and nod in a friendly way. You'll probably be able to avoid hugs you don't want!
Oh boy, did this post bring back some memories! I've got two for you:
1. I've never been a hugger or even big on handshakes (because I saw you just wipe your nose with your index finger before extending that hand to me – ewwww) especially during the "greet each other in peace and love" moment at church. My way of getting around the hug is to smile a huge smile and extend my hand straight-armed out like a javelin in front of me thus keeping a safe bubble of personal space uninvaded around me. If they press forward and try to clutch me, I use the 98% effective backup: "careful, I'm not over strep throat yet."
2. A friend of mine is a priest, and a handsome fellow at that as well as being very friendly and personable. We were talking about the whole "full frontal hug" problem – hips included – that some women kept trying to accost him with in the greeting line after Mass and my advice to him was to clutch his bible in his right hand at all times and to body block the clingers with it while extending his left arm in a right angle toward them (he's over six feet tall) and clasping their right shoulder, thus effectively keeping them from coming any closer. That way, they got their face up against his bible and kind of an A-frame was attained.
He tried it and it worked beautifully! Now some of those who were apparently having very inappropriate fantasies about "seducing the forbidden man" have realized it's not going to be possible to shamelessly feel up their priest on the pretense of "hugging with the love of Christ!" Oy.
I'm a huge hugger, and I have definitely given and received all of these hugs. Great post!
I would add the Over Under meets the Side Hug. Usually a girl with a good guy friend or father-type figure. Initially a shoulder and waist side hug, but "just so you know you're more important to me than all the other people I awkwardly side-hug" they wrap their other arm around your shoulder and you put your other arm around their stomach while still remaining mostly side to side.
With people I don't know well, I am never a hugger. I find myself getting caught in them every so often, but I try to make it as awful as possible so they never try again…
Like Suzanne, I also am not a handshaking person, and that is generally because it is my belief that most people do not wash their hands properly. Can we say, "ew"?
As for side hugs versus full hugs (never mind the ins and outs of all the types), it all depends. I judge people by their hugs, so I generally hate all A-frame hugs because they feel lacking.
Side hugs and frontal hugs can both be good, if executed properly (and within the right context/relationship). It can't be an obligation hug or you might as well not bother. You have to be able to 'feel' the hug.
We had guests over once and I didn't know what type of hugger the husband was. He ended up giving me a big bear hug. So, when they left, I was going to say good bye with a regular hug while he went in for a side hug. Result: my face burrowed in his neck. Nice. I seriously think people should walk around with a sign stated what type of hugger they are to avoid any awkwardness.
im more an over under and multitasker kind of guy. over under for girls i know and multitasker for all guys.
Hey just read your blog for the first time and love it! Please keep blogging!
For some reason a good hug for me is torso to torso, arms wrapped and my face in their neck for a kiss. It's non-sexual and reserved for good friends or family. After reading this I feel like a molester or something. I only think about hugs at church or when I hug a guy. It feels awkward. I do,however, now have the burning desire to perform an A frame.
@Laura — Love the poem. Thank you.
….Where I come from, the 3 pats can also mean the hug has just gone on a little too long.
WV: Repherse. "Hey, buddy, put that bear hug in repherse, I'm a married woman."
I hate hugging – only my wife ever gets a hug and those dumb enough to persist through my obvious "don't touch me" body language are guaranteed to get the three pats. And I thought it was only me…!
I definitely agree with Sherri's suggestion that our churches should nominate one hugging-style!
Nick the Geek gave a very good commentary on man hugs. But, if you need a visual to help out, I highly suggest this gem by Videojug: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUdWApwbudQ
I found this helpful and I'm not even a man!
Great post as always Jon!
In all seriousness, this post reminded me of my sister (in Christ).
I have been told I give awesome hugs and yet she would be my equal in this matter.
I move out of my old church into a church plant but this talk of hugging made me miss my friend. Therefore, I texted her to tell her so and that I would be praying for her all day.
Thank you, Jon, for reminding me how good my God really is.
YAY John! Congrats on being #3 in the Top 100 Christian Blogs! Just saw it and wanted to to bump cyber knuckles.
you did leave one off the list…shame on you Jon Acuff…my favorite is the hug that requires the man to "spoon" while standing and hug his significant other from behind by wrapping his arms around her. Its a front to back hug that is considered lethal by many single men. This is a great way to let those around her (especially during the meet and greet) know that she is off the market like half priced fish in China-Town. (I dont know what that means, I saw it on MTV) That is the hug that kills single men because they think they have a change and immediately their hopes and dreams are shattered.
my favorite hug:
one persons arms over, and the other's under. For the one under, just hug tight and pull up a little. it makes the hug amazing.
(not really for singles looking for a date… for friends.
I always think of the masculine "three pats" is a "I'm. Not. Gay." hug. This also goes with the grab each other fore-arms with right hand man hug.
Side hugs are what I get/receive from girl's I'm just friends with. Full-frontal hugs are what I get/receive from girl's that I am interested in.
There is also what I call, the "affectionate wrap around" hug. in which my arms warp around the girls shoulders or torso. This works best with girls who are shorter than me.
I used to use the A-frame hug on creepy-married-guys-who-always-want-to-hug-the-single-gals-a-little-too-tight but too many of them tried lean their entire body into the hugs. Now I just wave at them even if I give the wife a hug, they still get a wave.