#615. Making sure everyone online knows you’re married.
Sep 10th by adminI recently realized that I’ve started dropping a certain phrase into my emails and Facebook comments. Side hugs? No. Razzle Dazzle? No. Leg drops 4-eva? No.
My phrase of choice is apparently, “My wife and I.”
When girls email me about Stuff Christians Like or comment on something I said on Twitter, I’ve noticed that I make a point of name dropping my wife.
Even if the email I get from someone just says, “Can you tell me about how you found your literary agent,” I am tempted to respond with, “Well my wife and I were talking one day about being married and in love and we’re married, and we still have tickle fights and split milkshakes with two straws that bend in the shape of a heart and then I found a literary agent. The end.”
It’s not like I’m getting inappropriate emails. It’s not like my response needs to extinguish some “you’re so awesome” blazing fire of words. I just feel compelled to let the online world know that I’m married.
And I’m not the only one. I’ve noticed several readers who do the same thing and I think that’s great. The Internet is littered with wounded and broken marriages that allowed a seed of “emotional over share” to blossom into a full blown affair of disastrous proportions.
I think that I can also take this to ridiculously egotistical proportions, essentially believing that “When that person of the opposite sex asked me if I liked the new laptop bag I mentioned on Twitter, they were probably trying to hit on me. Better remind them I’m happily married. Probably should send them a photo of my wedding ring.” That’s a bit much and if you send me a short email someday, I promise I won’t copy and paste an “well my wife and I” into the response automatically. But overall, I’m cool with the “look at me, I’m married” approach to social networking. I do have a problem though.
You see, I’m very competitive. I don’t want to kind of tell people I’m married online, I want to be the very best at doing that. Only that’s such a minor, obscure thing to be competitive about that no one in their right mind would ever come up with an adequate, sanctioned in 17 states, method of scoring who the winner is. Fortunately, I am not in my right mind.
The “I want everyone online to know I’m married” scorecard.
1. You and your spouse share an email address. = +1 point
2. You and your spouse share an email address and the address makes that obvious with a name like theacuffs@yahoo.com = +2 points
3. You and your spouse share an email address and the address makes that wicked obvious with a name like JennyandJonaresoooooinlove@yahoo.com = +3 points
4. You and your spouse share an email address and the address makes that wicked, ultra obvious with a name like Markswife@yahoo.com or Lindashusband@gmail.com = +4 points
5. You sign off on all emails with the phrase, “happily married,” = +1 point
6. Emails? What are you talking about? You don’t write emails to the opposite sex. = +2 points
7. Your profile photo on facebook is just a close up of your ring finger. = +1 point
8. Your profile photo on facebook is a picture of you and your spouse hugging = +2 points
9. Your profile photo on facebook is a picture of your wedding day = + 3 points
10. Your profile photo on facebook is a picture of you and your husband hugging while he cleans a shotgun. = +4 points
11. Your tweets on Twitter are actually 123 characters long instead of the standard 140 because each one, regardless of the message starts with the phrase, “my hot wife and I” = + 1 point
12. The only activity you list on facebook is “being in love with my husband.” = + 1 point
13. The only interests you list are “spending time with my wife” = +2 points
14. For favorite book you listed “The 5 Love Languages” = +3 points
15. For favorite TV show you just got lazy and replied, “I’m married.” = +4 points
16. For quotations you skipped the standard CS Lewis route and wrote, “Will you marry me?” “Yes.” – “What my husband said to me six delicious years ago.” = +5 points
17. Your wedding happened six years ago but yet you keep updating facebook with fresh wedding photos from the archives of your love = +3 points
18. You use your facebook status updates as a running, “No I love you more, silly!” game between you and your spouse. = + 4 points
19. Your tweets are just a running countdown of days left to key dates, “Me and my hott wife will have been married for 2 years in roughly 117 days!” = +5 points
20. When you got married you “retired” your individual facebook or myspace profiles and opened up a new one called “PamelaFrankSmith” = + 2 points
21. You opened up a shared facebook or myspace account but gave yourselves a nickname, morphing your two names and ultimately settling on, “FramelaSmith.” = +10 points
Wow, looking at that list makes me realize I do a pretty poor job of showcasing my marital status online. I’m coming in at a solid 2 points right now.
How about you?
If you’re married, are you crushing me in the letting people online know about it game?
If you’re single, do any of your married friends play this game?
What item of “look at me online world I’m married!” is missing from this list?
p.s. If you’re single and this post made you want to throw up at least a little bit, always remember there’s a post about surviving church as a single.
Comments
Oh, I get it now! This explains a strange conversation I had the other day with a co-worker.
Me: "Before I forget, 'so & so' called for you while you were out."
Mike: "Oh, I had to take my hot wife to the dentist this morning."
Me: "Okay…"
BTW, I am also married. And happily too.
Hey Jon, my imaginary wife and I love your post.
Despite the uber wittiness, being currently single made reading this post about as sickening as eating all the frosting off a wedding cake (the kind where even the bride & groom are sculpted sugar).
Perhaps you could make a "Single and Advertising" scorecard for us unattached men in the future. Here's a couple ideas to get it going…
1. Hopeful e-mail address such as:
JasonandToBeNamedAtALaterDate@yahoo.com = +2 points
2a. Facebook profile picture is of you sitting alone and reading the Bible on a park bench built for two with a sunset and the beach in the background. = +2 points (why do I feel like Rick Warren has a copyright on this type of picture?)
2b. Facebook profile picture is of the engagement ring selection at the local jewelry store = +3 points
2c. Caption under previously mentioned Facebook profile picture says, "Pick one." = +5 points
3a. In the "favorite books" section of your profile you list something by Jane Austen. = +10 points
3b. You also list "Focus On the Family" books to let women know you're prepared for the long haul. = +5 points
3c. You also list books on cooking and home repair to boost your market value. = +5 points
4a. In your blog or Facebook list of "favorite links" you have a bridal boutique on the list. = +5 points
4b. If links to Kay Arthur's or Elisabeth Elliot's post make the list… = +3 points
4c. A recurring Twitter post you have is, "still praying for 'something good' to come my way." + 1 point.
5a. Under "favorite activities" you say, "Cooking dinner for my pastor and his wife on Saturday evenings and then listening to them talk about what makes their marriage work late into the evening." = +10 points
5b. You also mention Broadway musicals or opera. = +3 points
5c. You also mention that you like to take long drives through wine valley vineyards on Sunday. = +6 points
6a. You open e-mails to single women with, "To my most beloved sister in Christ," = +2 points
6b. You close your e-mails to single women with, "Remember to pray for the orphan child in Africa that I'm sponsoring," = +4 points
6c. You attach html grphics to your e-mail from the World Wildlife Foundation that shows panda bears or baby tigers cuddling. = +6 points
JasonSix…
That was hilarious!!!
Love,
Frankenbeth
I'm not hitting on Jon by commenting here, which I as a single female would like to emphasize by directing this comment to Jenny and not to her husband.
Before really launching into the comment, let's share an eyeroll and a friendly "oh, what won't he do" look that establishes that I like your husband and the fact that he's yours. Then we move on to….
Hey, Jenny, I just wanted to tell you that I am single, and I loved this post.
First, "a seed of 'emotional over share'" totally resonated with me. Ah, the number of imaginary relationships I've been in because I thought that EOS convo "meant something" to the other person, too.
Second, I figure if I ever get married I'd like my husband to be the name-dropping kind, because what woman doesn't want her husband to be proud of her or like to see a husband proud of his wife? Okay, there probably ARE some, but I may be safely able to speak for both you and I, Jenny, when I say that those women aren't us.
You forgot to mention that this phenomena happens at church as well. If a single person approaches a married person of the opposite sex, you sometimes see the "my wife/husband (and I)…" GAZE cast upon the single approacher by the spouse.
It's some combination of forced, churchy politeness and the face a lion make right before it pounces on the zebra on the Discovery Channel.
Sometimes I just want to say "Look! Wait! Don't kill me…I realize we are all attractive and I am single so that makes this awkward, but your husband/wife dropped their cell phone behind the pew and I didn't want your husband/wife (and you) to head home without it!"
I'm married and it made me want to throw up a little bit.
BTW, I got a solid 0. Happily married for almost 10 years but still a big fat 0.
I only got married in July but I never really thought about throwing my status around. And I haven't noticed anyone else bandying around the fact that they are married, either. It felt good to update my Facebook status from Engaged to Married, though…
I score five points. My Facebook picture is from our wedding day and I am hugging my wife (it's a hug…). It's not from the ceremony, per se, but it is from around the time of the reception, so it still counts. Right?
What a loser I am. No points and been married for 28 years. Maybe I should get extra points because my picture is on facebook. You know, fat, ugly bald man. Now that has to be worth something!!
I don't need to let people know I'm married; I just tell them how many children I've got – that's enough. LOL
What about TWITTER – scope twitter.com/BrisaBond (or brisabond.com).
Brisa = Brody + Lisa
Ha ha… just goofy fun. But effective in sharing wedding news.
I am single and this didn't make me throw up (or want to, even). In fact, I find it quite encouraging that married people also see the weirdness in some of these online phenomena and I don't have to scold myself for being such a pathetic, desperate and cynical single for thinking that these things get a little obnoxious…
Having said that, most of my friends don't do that. Actually, I don't have any Facebook friends with shared accounts. I do have a few with wedding pictures on their profile and 'my wonderful hubby' status updates, etc., however.
But I am really grateful that most of my married friends don't share e-mail addresses with their husbands. Even though I like their husbands, I don't feel like letting them in on all my deepest secrets…
My live-in boyfriend and I prefer to preface our e-mails, comments, and status updates with the phrase "My live in boyfriend/girlfriend and I…" We scored no points, but we did throw a housewarming party using the amalgamation of our names. Do we get points for that? Cuz it's the invite was pretty cool:
Warm the House! *Chranammy Owili-Egerickson* Style!
*the hyphen is a natural part of the amalgamation, not added for effect.*
I wouldn't mind some points, but I understand if this quiz only pertains to "Holy Unions."
hilarious!
This didn't make me want to throw up a little. It made me want to throw up a lot. Not really, but the only thing more annoying than the constant spouse shout outs online are the constant kid shout outs. Surely there is something else going on in your life other than kids!
Why don't I have any problems as a single with people coming on to me, even though I'm not warding them off with "I have a husband?"
Now you made me really feel like a loser!
See, right now I want to say something obnoxious to lead you to believe I'm hitting on you.
But I'm totally married. And my husband is hot.
Not hitting on you…
Sandy
doubt you'll ever see this comment, but….I found this blog a couple of weeks ago during a specific search for something and bookmarked it. Then, the other day I noticed a post from my friend, Jason Boyett, referencing your blog and was like "oh cool, they know each other!" So now, I'm just reading randomly….this post was freakin funny!!!
Not trying to plug my blog, so don't look them up. Spam stinks.
How about if you have blogs about each other? "MyPoorHusband," and "LifeWithRachael"
That's got to be worth 10 points there!
i just insert a {married to Sharon} every few words {married to Sharon}and that way there {married to Sharon} is no question about whether {married to Sharon} i'm {married to Sharon} or not…i think {married to Sharon} it works just fine {married to Sharon}
I am so proud to be married to my husband that regardless I like to reference not just that I am married, but boastfully embracing some of his endearing qualities….enjoying the evening while my husband does the dishes.
Enjoyed this. Scored a 13. Ten years, 3 months happily married. May we all guard marriage!
You could include:
You are following your spouse. Or you are 'friends' with your spouse.
With the idea of 'access and accountability': You have your spouse's passwords.
I'm single, but I won't throw up. (As long as people stop calling C. S. Lewis — got him all over my quotes page, and proud of it! — misogynistic or played out, that is. There's a big, BIG difference between not always understanding women, and being misogynistic. And if someone is as widely quoted as Lewis, there's usually an excellent reason for it.)
Where was I . . .?
Oh, yes, the married thing. I think loving married couples are cute. Okay, some of them are nauseating and/or flaunting and/or just plain condescending, and that gets very old, but most of them are cute.
ahahahaha funny… but I think I'll stick to the C.S.Lewis quotes, thanks!!
==
signing off, happily married
Matt + Helen = Melon!
I was THRILLED when my husband's younger siblings figured that one out.
THEY TALKED ABOUT THIS ON THE VIEW THIS MORNING! I laughed out loud when the started talking about it, you should really see if you can get a cliip.
I love this
HEHE! I've seen first hand what happens when men DONT tell ppl online that they are married – so I am a first advocate of sharing that truth.
i don't become "friends" on facebook with women my wife does not know
I'm single, which is probably why I cannot fathom giving up separate email for one joint account. I'm all for accountability and of course you'd want to let the world you just married the most fabulous member of the opposite sex ever. I just do not get wanting to be known as Brisa (Bill and Risa) or Garon (Greg and Sharon). I guess I'll figure it out when I get there. *shrugs* Right now, I find couples who make it impossible for you to miss the fact they are together and it's Twu Wuv and sooooo fabulous annoying and nauseating. All things in moderation, guys.
Name dropping the spouse a lot when there's no reason to be mentioning them is something I find really annoying. Yes, we know you're married. We heard you the first three hundred times. Yes, we know you're happily married and that you think your spouse is a stone cold fox. We're glad you're so nuts about them. We just do not want or need to always hear about it.
I regularly tell newlyweds that they should be banned from facebook and am thankful that facebook wasn't around when I was a newlywed lest I would have royally embarrassed myself. We don't need to hear that your new spouse is hot stuff or that they are your Freckle Princess (I wish I were joking but this is what my newlywedded bro calls his bride).
On the other hand, I scored pretty high myself too because of joint accounts!
I recently found myself doing this in real life. I met a girl recently (and I'll admit, she was very pretty), but when she came up and started talking to me I said, "Yeah, my wife and I…" And I found myself inject that phrase at least 4 or 5 more times that night. Ridiculous!