#622. The Pastor’s Kid.
Sep 21st by adminI recently saw the GI Joe movie. My only complaint, other than that Snakes Eyes’ mask inexplicably covered his lips too which created this weird gummy smile, was that there was no public service message at the end.
That used to be my favorite part of the cartoon. At the end of each episode on TV, there would be a thirty second clip of some dumb kids trying to do something like pet a cougar. Then a member of the Joe squad would come out and say, “Whoa kids, cougars live to maul and maim. Though their fur is soft and downy, you should never pet one.” The kids would look up and say, “Gee thanks Bazooka, you really saved us today.” He’d look at the camera and respond, “Well now you know, and knowing is half the battle.”
Knowing is half the battle, deep words from GI Joe and certainly words that were floating in my head when I decided to write about a subject I’ve largely avoided- Pastor’s Kids.
I guess as a PK, there’s part of me that didn’t really know how to approach the topic. There are about a billion ways you can write about the oddity that is a pastor kid and I wanted to do us justice. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that yes, knowing is half the battle and if I can help you know what kind of pastor kid you have at your church, I’ve done a public service.
I believe there are primarily four types of pastor’s kids:
1. The Replica
2. The Romeo
3. The Rebel
4. The Regular
And the easiest way to tell which kind you’re dealing with is to take this quick quiz:
1. During youth Sunday, your pastor’s kid:
A. Delivers a fire and brimstone sermon, with an altar call and spontaneous baptisms.
B. Winks at his girlfriend from the pulpit and mentions that ladies can follow him on twitter if they’d like or myspace or facebook or just in the parking lot.
C. Promises to come to church that day and not throw anything round or square at the puppet team. Again.
D. None of the above.
2. During camp, your pastor’s kid:
A. Questions the theology of the counselors leading the camp and feels glad that he packed his 37 pound concordance Bible with him.
B. Plays the three chords of guitar he knows, kisses 4 girls from 3 separate youth groups and almost gets kicked out for getting caught outside his cabin at night.
C. You’re kidding right? He didn’t go to camp. He didn’t want to and that camp still has him on the blacklist after last year for that thing with the paint.
D. None of the above.
3. Your pastor’s kid tells a counselor:
A. “The pressures of tending for a flock are really heavy. And I haven’t found a date to the eighth grade dance yet.”
B. “Is that your wife in that photo on your desk? Well done.”
C. “I’m here because my parents made me come. And I wish my dad spent more time loving the people in his own house instead of the people in church. He came home empty some days.”
D. None of the above
4. Your pastor’s kid drives:
A. Demons out of people.
B. A jeep. He’s the guy with the jeep.
C. A Volvo wagon with band stickers that may or may not be Swedish punk rock devil worshippers.
D. None of the above
5. Your pastor’s kid plays:
A. The organ or the harp although he’s not above a little tambourining if the girl he is courting wants to practice the HWMT.
B. The previously mentioned acoustic guitar, but he may also buy a pair of bongos when he realizes girls like mellow things like Jack Johnson.
C. Electric guitar or turntables depending on what is currently considered the most “screw you mom and dad” music at the time.
D. None of the above
6. Your pastor’s kid walks around church as if:
A. He’s praying for the building and the work of the lamb to be done there.
B. You can find him at the club, bottle full of bub.
C. He’s looking for some sort of structural damage he could exploit with an M80.
D. None of the above
7. Your pastor’s kid’s theme song is:
A. Pick a hymn, any hymn.
B. “Son of a preacher man.” Was there any doubt?
C. Is there a particular song you don’t like? Then it’s that one.
D. None of the above.
8. In church, your pastor’s kid sits with:
A. His mom on the front row but he’s got his eyes on the big pastor chair that’s on stage. Someday, someday.
B. With the shortys and or honeys and on some occasions, his boos.
C. Sometimes in the front row in an ironic way but mostly in the very back row.
D. None of the above.
Answer Key:
If you answered mostly A:
Ahh, the Replica, that junior version of the senior pastor. He knows more Bible verses than you, spends his summers practicing preaching in his tree house and knocks it out every year on youth Sunday. This kid came out of the womb knowing what he wanted to do. He is a chip off the old pulpit.
If you answered mostly B
Well, hello, hello Romeo. The ladies man. The “hi, you come here to worship often?” Charming, intuitive, slick and currently giving his parents ulcers. You can only hear so many stories from deacons or elders before the pastor starts hitting the pink stuff.
If you answered mostly C
Unlike, Stryper, this cat is not saying “To Hell with the Devil.” He’s dedicated to going the opposite direction that everyone in church and youth group goes. He’s going to swim in the baptismal, get kicked off each retreat he’s forced to attend and eventually realize he filtered God through the image of his dad all these years and they’re very different people.
If you answered mostly D
You’ve got a pretty regular kind of pastor’s kid on your hands. He’s not going to cause a ruckus but he’s also not going to lead a revival anytime soon. Nothing to see here folks, move it along.
Those are the four stereotypes I experienced most. Where the ladies at? Great question. I wrote this from the guy’s perspective because 100% of my own experiences as a pastor’s kid have been as a guy. (Maybe we should get a lady PK to write a guest post.) Me personally, I was a bit of the Replica and the Romeo. I loved speaking at church, but I spent most of my youth trying to get girls to make out with me. Emphasis on the word “trying.”
That’s my take on the pastor’s kid. What’s yours?
Are you a pastor’s kid?
Did your pastor’s kid fit any of the molds I offered today? If not, what stereotype did I completely miss?
Comments
I'm a PK and an MK. Double whammy. My best friend was a PK too. He's in seminary and I'm in youth ministry. I think we fit the replica molds.
You forgot the Stunt Puller (if you can find a name that begins with R, you beat me). He's the one who pees his pants for money at school, invents new sports like "chair riding" and occasionally gets away with joyriding in the youth pastor's car. You can always find this guy because of his crazy hairstyles and colors. He's quite popular because he's always good for a laugh, but can be a handful if his parents aren't very, very easy-going.
Duuuude…I know like ten of those at my Christian college. Hahahahaha.
I've found that a lot of the PK's I know (the ones that aren't younger than 9 anyway) tend to be tremendously rebellious and generally "angry" in their tween/early teenage years. Suddenly, when they reach college, they have a change of heart and turn into Replicas. A lot of the older guys I know are in seminary now.
My husband (the pastor) and I are hoping that among our kids will be at least one "replica-rebel." That is, they will get kicked out of Sunday school both for correcting the teacher and for saying they support gay rights.
Right now, we just have one infant girl, though, and she's a Romeo–everyone fawns all over her the entire time!
I am a PK, and I hit all four at various points, but I probably had more replica moments than any of the others. Except, I tried to play the romeo role as a replica (Epic Failure ensued).
Good Post.
I'm boring old number 4, I'm afraid, with cameos as 1-3. Mostly just in my head, though.
do we get more points if we put names by the different types?
Hmm. In my PK experience, I started out as a Replica when I was young, then around age 10 or 11 I turned into an "intellectual Rebel". This is what's colloquially known as a "Wise-ass". I knew (and remembered) the Bible better than most of the rest of the church, but I used the knowledge for the fun of annoying, undermining, and contradicting people who were earnestly trying to teach.
The problem, of course, is that my father is good at resolving apparent conflicts among biblical ideas. Whenever I tried my mind tricks on him, he'd just absorb the attack into a larger, harmonious whole, like a Yoda who doesn't deflect Dooku's Force lightning but just wraps it up into a cute lil' glowing ball in front of him.
The PK I grew up with was a little of a 2-4 combo. He was my first "boyfriend" in the 5th grade (which meant we chased each other around the church and kicked each others' shins). He fell through the ceiling of the youth room one night just because he had to see what was up there… He was/is a great friend and a fun guy and always seemed to find himself in a little bit of trouble, but always managed to worm his way out of it with his charm.
Now he's a church leader; he married a good friend of mine, and is a wonderful husband and dad. A replica of the best kind!
I am a PK. I am not sure any of these categories fit me really. I was the "Over submissive" child until college… where I realized that if I remained that way I would no longer have a life. My parents started calling me "rebellious" after getting engaged… I think I just decided to "fly the nest".
Anonymous poster again. I just remembered one mild example of the wise-assery. Once in class, the teacher said that the 10 Commandments were in Exodus, but I pointed out that the Commandments are also in Deuteronomy, and stated differently, too.
One of my deepest fears about teaching a kid's Sunday School class is having a student like me.
My wife was a PK/MK and she and her siblings were a mix of all these types. They are all walking the Lord, now.
So my wife was probably a regular though her mother probably thinks she was the rebel. Her mother believed I was a satanist after all so her grasp of reality is less than stellar.
My boys probably will fall into the Rebel and Romeo categories. Seriously my oldest boy is in Kindergarten now and is the only boy in the class. He is loving it. He is only 5 but when he sees the girls in the Youth he puts on the "how you doing?" attitude. Frankly it is a little disturbing at his age.
The baby could go either way right now. Her certainly like the girls but he isn't far removed form thinking of them as the bringer of sustenance. He, more than any of the kids, can find the wrong stuff to get into though. He was also mobile from birth. He is the baby that jerked and flopped his way across the room at a month old. I'm not exaggerating at all he really did, now that he is walking nothing is safe.
Of course, this really means they are the replicas because I was the rebel and romeo when I was a teen. Might explain why my MIL thought I was a satanist.
so far, I've got a male #4 – though he's still young, and could easily morph into any/all of the types – and a young-teen female who's a ferociously beautiful, wicked-smart combo of #1, #2 and #3. I'm gonna show her this post when she gets home from school and if we're all lucky, she might decide to comment.
PKs live on a double-edged sword: they drink early and deeply from the living waters, but they learn about hypocrisy and human shortfallenness wayyyy too early and far too personally.
wv: proush – the sound of a #3 PK cannonballing into the baptistry.
Anon,
I just want to say I love students like that. The ones that think and question are the ones that will have a solid foundation when they are satisfied over students that just sit there and blindly accept truth. I was very much the student that pushed the teachers buttons by questioning things they stated that were not right or exclusively right. Once I had a Sunday School teacher yelling in my face because he couldn't face the reality of what Jesus said about marriage in Heaven. The guy was trying to teach about Heaven and was telling us about his personal heaven where he and his wife would be together forever in their great big mansion and all his best dogs and … you get the picture. Yeah I don't think he really read his Bible much because he didn't believe me when I told him Jesus said there would neither be existing marriage nor given in marriage in heaven for we shall be as the Angels. Wow he got mad. People don't like when you mess with their personal heaven.
I'm a PK, but didn't become one until age 13 when my dad entered the ministry. Because I grew up as a normal church-going child, I now fit into the wonderfully boring #4 category. My sister, on the other hand, was 7 at the time of the switch to PK-dom and so has spent more time growing up with the stigma attached to her. Unfortunately, after 10 years, she's on the verge of #3. The worst experiences are when the older folks of the church try to force you into being little replicators, based on the fact that you're genetically related to the preacher guy. After the way some people treated me during high school, I'm lucky I'm still involved with the church!
Phew… I'm a Regular…
I think it also depends on the type of pastor… most of the pastors I've known have adult kids, so I can't tell what they were like when they were young…
BUT, among those younger pastors, who had kids, I noticed the following attitudes:
1- The "Let's have 70 kids for Jesus!" guy. This one has a lot of children, usually homeschooled, and many of the kids end up rebelling.
2- The "Only boys are useful" guy. He hopes to marry his daughters off to people just like him– those who will subjugate and dominate the women around them. His daughters either rebel in the worst way, or they end up beaten down and just do whatever Dad wants.
3- The Modern "Affirmation" guy. I've only known one of these, and he had all boys. Those boys were royal terrors, though, because the only reprimand they ever got was "Now, that's not nice".
4- The "Good Christian Parent" guy. Usually has 3 kids- one Rebel, one Romeo, and one Replica. Works out.
PS- what do you call the PK that wants to be a Replica, but just isn't gifted in the pastoral area?
I'm a second career PK. My dad decided 8 years ago that quitting his job, going to seminary, and throwing the whole family helter-skelter would be a fantastic idea. As a high school girl who was comfortable with my current way of life, I was most definately the rebel at first–not such a fan of my new satus as the soon-to-be-PK. I think I would have been the replica, has I not been so dead set against becoming my father. So I kind of slipped through the cracks, stayed regular, and downplayed this whole PK thing. And now I think I'm "the Realizer." I realize how silly and selfish I was to stop God in my dad's life…he's the most amazing God-following, church planting, dynamic bald preacher man in the North.
But my brother, he's the guy with the Jeep…definately a Romeo if there ever was one.
Why are we assuming that the PK's *dad* is the pastor?
So, Jon, you must have felt pretty special being a PK – but when you went to Samford almost everyone was a PK (I went to Samford too) then there was the underground MK group, and the even more obscure DK (Deacon's Kid's for those not in the know) Did you have PK Olympics – like, who is the most holy, bible drill competitions, who could get the most Christian girlfriend, Best Christian Karaoke, president of the BSU, most awesome Christian T-shirts, perfect convocation attendance, etc???? if so, how did you do?
As a female PK (and the oldest of 4 kids) I think my title would have been "Pastor's-wife-in-training". I was the head piano player by 8th grade, wasn't a "helper" at VBS but instead a co-director in high school, FREE baby sitter to anyone in church (since us kids were free extra bonus ministers in church – in our case a six for the price of one deal… wow! What a blessing for our church, huh?), and a substitute co-minister when my mom couldn't go to things like nursing home ministry or concerts of prayer.
Taira, I too was way "over submissive" and felt like the family thought I was abandoning them when I got married and had my own life. Besides, who would be there to accompany for all those group songs we sang as a family? By the way, I did NOT marry a pastor… not that my dad didn't try to fix it up that way by sending me on some dates with Pastors (another whole story!) I'm happy to serve Jesus, but don't ever want to be a slave to the church again.
I think there should be a Rebel.5 version of the PK mentioned. He's the one who just doesn't care. He's not opposed to what his dad does or any of the church stuff, he's just indifferent to it all. They're most easily recognized by a *shrugging* of the shoulders when asked, "So, wasn't your fathers sermon just a tremendous blessing today or what".
I began church life as a replica, or at least pastor’s wife in training/worship leader in the wings. I had a clean neck (and when it got grubby I felt guilty), attended every meeting going, wrote songs, prayed out loud and was probably extraordinarily annoying. I also desperately wanted to be the Romeo (I’m guessing Juliet, but it doesn’t really go with the four Rs theme here), but sadly there weren’t many boys in my church-world.
And then our church collapsed in a heap of acrimony and accusations and I went to uni. While there, I embraced Rebellion wholeheartedly. If there was anything I could do wrong, I did it. I didn’t not believe in God, but I was so angry with Him that I did everything to spite Him, daring Him to thunderbolt me from above, just so that I would know that He even noticed me. The Mary in me was hurt and felt abandoned; the Martha in me was just resentful. It’s not a proud time of my life that’s for sure, but I probably wouldn’t change it now. I wouldn’t recommend it as a path to follow at all, but it is now part of my history and who I have become.
I have a much better grasp on the ENORMOUS grace of God as a result. He didn’t thunderbold me. He waited for this stubborn ex-PK and he took her, brushed her down and gave her a life, a husband, a daughter and a church better than she could have imagined. God rocks!
From Kate: "PS- what do you call the PK that wants to be a Replica, but just isn't gifted in the pastoral area?"
Unfortunately, I would call him My Pastor's Son.
I am not a PK, however I grew up with 2 PKs who happened to also be best friends. Matt and Erik. They were Romeos 100%, every girl wanted to be with them and every guy wanted to be them. However, they were also pretty rebellious, getting into trouble at a moment's notice, most of the time together. They were a riot though, nice guys. Great post.
As a PK myself, I think your descriptions are spot-on. (I love using that word.)
And I don't think it changes much for female PKs. The Romeo becomes more of The Risque — the girl who wears low-cut tank tops and short skirts to church, the better to show off her low-back tattoo. It's a combo of the rebel, but it brings in a racy element.
My favorites:
4. Your pastor’s kid drives:
A. Demons out of people."
and
6. Your pastor’s kid walks around church as if:
B. You can find him at the club, bottle full of bub.
LOL!
On a serious note…sadly, my youth minister's son was a "replica-romeo" but is now a "rebel". Gets even sadder…he was a Biblical studies major in college. I believe he and his wife now tell people that they are no longer Christians. I need to remember to continue to pray for them.
I think most people think there are only two types of PKs, "The Replica" or "The Rebel". I'd like to think I fall somewhere between "The Replica" and "The Regular", but I really think I probably have a little bit of all of them in me.
As far as the female perspective goes, I think someone mentioned "The Pastor's Wife-in-Training", and there is also "The Pregnant PK" (I knew a couple of those).
Since it isn't "Serious Wednesdays", I won't go into all of the more serious things I would like to see you address regarding PKs, but I hope you do that someday.
Great post!
I somehow worked through the stages of the pastors-wife-in-training, the risque and then the rebel, and somehow still ended up in being a pastor myself. God is patient and works in strange ways!
1. I loved GI Joe as a kid and whenever people say, "And now you know…" I always finish, "And knowing is half the battle" which sadly gets me strange looks.
2. Being a PK means you see the absolute best and worst in people. You hear about every miracle, every answered prayer, every changed life, but you also hear the most soul-crushing criticism, devastating news, and the real story behind the gossip that everyone is spreading.
Personally, I was the Pastor's Wife in training mostly because the adults of the church didn't step up to serve so I was at some point before the age of 20 the junior high youth leader, preschool teacher, puppet team student leader, Bible study leader, worship leader, choir soloist, etc.
Now, I love serving in the church out of a desire to do so and I've never been more thankful my father is in another profession…
People are always shocked when I tell them I'm a PK. I don't fit into any of the standard models. I've been told I act like a divorced-parents kid more than a pastor's kid.
The fact that there are these stereotypes out there makes me think that perhaps pastors ought to consider how they're raising their children and so producing some of these problematic folks. Why do the rebels and romeos show up? What are pastors doing to create them? Doesn't that suggest something is amiss with the parenting style?
"Why do the rebels and romeos show up? What are pastors doing to create them? Doesn't that suggest something is amiss with the parenting style?"
I'd say it suggests pastors are human beings, and that raising kids is hard. Harder for those that we sometimes forget are frail human beings like the rest of us.
the natural limitation on this topic is the nature of the site.
One is not going to find much of the rebellious. They most likely are not on this page.
Best. Blog. Ever.
One of my Webcomic characters is a PK. He was Romeo in high school. Now he's just embittered in College.
Thank you, for giving me inspiration.
What about Youth Pastor's Kids? My dad is an associate pastor and the youth pastor, has been as long as I can remember. We are similar to PK's, but we've got a slightly different person we're coming from, and there are definitely some differences.
I'd love to write this post for the female pk's as I've been one my whole life
I definitely think one of the roles would be pastor's wife in training and I like calling Romeo the Risque for the girl – but that can also be part of the rebel… and I still identified with much of the answers for your Replica category – sitting on the second row with my mom who played the piano, being the kid who the teacher turned to if they had a question or wanted to verify that they were right about where that verse was in the Bible… I was always the one expected to pray out loud at the end of Sunday School – I started teaching the younger kids as soon as I was older than them… I could go on, and on, and one
First, I'd like to say this post was hysterical! But I would like to suggest two that I've seen:
1. "The Reject" – the PK that everyone loves to hate because he/she IS the Pastor's kid-ESPECIALLY if God has actually called this PK into the ministry. If this is the case, they usually have to fight the congregation to come into what God wants for them.
2. "The Rare" – the PK that is allowed (by their parents AND the congregation) to go through the normal ups and downs of being a kid/teen/young adult and eventually develop into what God called them to be (even if it's something secular and not ministry related).
Question from Kate: what do you call the PK that wants to be a Replica, but just isn't gifted in the pastoral area?
Answer to Kate: I've seen that if this type of PK doesn't eventually seek God's true will for their lives, they become "The Resentful".
I'm just a regular – how boring. Although, with all the things my parents have seen other people's kids do, I think they're grateful my sister and I are in that category!
I was raised in the Catholic church, so there were no PKs (that we were aware of anyway). Now that I'm attending a Bible fellowship where the pastor has a whole slew of kids, there's one to fit every one of your descriptions. Funny!!!
Replica or Romeo?
Rebel or a Regular?
Hmmm… chewing on it.
http://www.ChristianHaiku.com
Oh, the memories – growing up in the parsonage, living under the shadow of the church steeple, spending my young days scared to pieces over having to go into the church alone to get something mom or dad forgot – it's amazing how a dark sanctuary can be a frightening place.
Speaking from the girl's perspective, although I stink at the alliteration, I would have to offer up a couple of personalities.
The first female PK is Ariel. Who's that? She's the pastor's daughter in Footloose. She wears red boots and dances even though it's forbidden and just generally spits in the face of everything daddy holds dear. She'll try anything once, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, or dying her hair in colors inspired by Skittles, not because she really wants to or peer pressure but because she enjoys the shock it brings to peoples' faces knowing she did it.
The next is the Goody-Goody. Similar to the Replica male, she is a mini-me of Mother Theresa, a saint in the making, the polar opposite of Ariel. She volunteers her time in the church nursery, sews with the quilting group, reads aloud to the elderly and has been playing piano during worship since she could sit upright. Her biggest fear is that she'll never meet the right man to marry (i.e., a pastor himself!) and wants nothing more than to join the Red Hat Society.
I can't think of a third, but the fourth is the same, the normal girl who doesn't seem to be affected by her parents' roles in ministry.
My pastor is the guy with the jeep.
I think that for his kids (two daughters), it mostly cool but sometimes a little annoying when the windows are down and the wind messes up their hair.
If you want I can write a post on being a HK (Heathen's Kid). It was not all that great. I kind of wish I was PK….it had to better than the life I endured as a child.
Promises to come to church that day and not throw anything round or square at the puppet team. Again.
Is that when he puts his thumbs and index fingers together and shows everybody his displeasure? I hated (in my heart) when he did that.
Actually, their fur isn't that soft. But they're still wonderful to pet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0og79-mRpY&feature=channel_page
Reading the comments and thinking about the female PK role. I'm a female PK, have been for most of my life. I don't fit these categories. I try to make decisions based on "what i do reflects my dad the pastor and therefore the church and therefore God." It's my job not only as a pastor's kid but as a Christ-follower to make God look good, that my actions bring glory to God and don't turn people off from the idea of God. It's VERY hard knowing that people see you and judge you whether they mean to or not simply because you're a pastor's kid. And people in the church tend to think your life is all put together and pretty because your dad works in a church building. Struggled with parents not having time for me because people in the church need them; with people in the church judging and comparing you to your parents; with people comparing you to your rebellious PK siblings; with people automatically giving you that "oh (turn and walk away)" after you tell them what your dad does;
Random thoughts regarding female PKs. My prayers are with the PKs out there, ours is not an easy life!
but yes, sadly I have known PKs matching the descriptions in this blog. big turn off from the church even for me.
spot on…
definitely the romeo
I don't really know how the PK's at my current church are; they are all the spitting image of their parents and the 2 oldest are in college. The youngest (a girl) is kind of a replica, but my church culture is sooooo different since it was found by an ex burnout-alcoholic biker….
YPK here who is now a youth pastor with 3 YPK's in training (I've got a budding Replica, Romeo and possibly Rebel on my hands)
Stunt Puller is a mild rebel that's mostly regular
Love these 4 and all are true but I think in the end, my experience running into PK's and MK's now (especially since I can relate) I only find two in the long haul:
The completely chewed up and spit out by the way they were treated by church and or parents (sometimes only perceived failures, often and tragically very real). These often hate God, church and family. Really it's straight up pain but they're never going to let you know.
or
No matter what they are doing vocationally (as in not a pastor) the "solid for Christ" kind…they've seen the flaws of the church and embrace the King anyway.
For those who aren't PK's, one of the hardest things to see is how allegedly godly people treat your dad (or mom but it's usally dad) so poorly. Another is when too much pressure (from church or parents) is put on the kids to be anything other than a kid or a Christian.
It can be a tough life or it can be amazing. My parents (and the churches they were at) helped make it amazing.
I think that being a PK is not all that different from being a general kid, based on these categories. The main difference being is that the whole gossip sect of the church has this kid under a magnifying glass for his or her entire youth, and less so the other 'regular kids'. The point isnt really about the kid though, its generally used as a commentary about what the person thinks about the pastor, either good or bad.
For example at my church, I could say that the PK's are rebels and therefore infer that my pastor is not a good parent with a certain tone of voice or knowing look.