#629. Raising Dorks
Sep 30th by adminI don’t have any hard data on this, but I think that of all the major world religions, Christianity has the highest dork per capita ratio. Did I say that right? Is there a different metric we’re using to measure number of dorks that I should have referenced instead? Are we still rolling with the per capita ratio? It’s so hard to find good research on this topic.
But think about it, no one ever says, “You know who is cheesy? Muslims.” Rarely will you hear someone proclaim, “The Hindus are all uptight.” And when Buddhists are stereotyped they’re labeled as being “relaxed and peaceful.” Christianity though has a lockdown on dork status and you know what?
I love it.
I used to hate it. From the time I was in the seventh grade right up until I became 33 I railed against it. I did everything I could to prove to the world that I was not some cheesy Christian. I distanced myself from Christian culture as fast as I possibly could because it all felt so overwhelmingly dorky. But then something weird happened, something unexpected … my five year old tried to get into pop culture.
I’ve got nothing against the particular pop star my daughter suddenly became fascinated with but the transition from “I love the Wiggles” to “the Wiggles are for babies” was ridiculously fast. (In her defense, that Captain Feathersword who the Wiggles run with, scares me to death.) Up until that point I really hoped my daughter would grow up to be a cool kid. I wanted her to be part of the popular crowd at school and be considered hip. But when she started sweating pop stars and other little girls in our area started getting into teenage television shows, I had to pause.
Those things weren’t created for a 5 year old. The entertainment she wanted to watch was not written for a girl two years out of diapers. It’s got boyfriends and girlfriends and topics that are way out of her understanding as a little kid. And she might love it. She might sing all the songs and have a blast doing it and fit right in with all her friends. But if I encourage her to do that, if I push her toward that, I fast forward her through childhood. I speed her up from a 5 year to a 10 year old. And although I make about 47 dad mistakes a day, I have learned one secret about childhood:
You can fast forward childhood, but you can’t rewind it.
I wish I could but I can’t. Childhood only goes one direction and I want her to stay a little kid for as long as she can. There will be plenty of time later for her to think boys are cute and interesting. (Right now I’m pushing for “smelly and cootie laden.”)
Until then though, she’s not going to be hip. I’m going to raise a dork. Which is different from naïve, don’t misunderstand, she’s going to be like Matthew 10:16, shrewd as a snake and innocent as a dove. And if you’re making different decisions with your kids, please don’t hear this as an attack. I’m new to being a dad, am by no means a pro, don’t have all the answers and am really only writing about the two kids with my last name. Who will be dorks.
I hope I don’t help create one of these sheltered Christian girls that just goes insane when they get to college, but I promise you that I’m going to do everything I can to keep my kids young, out of the loop as far as the world goes and maybe even dorky. And when my oldest daughter yells at me when she’s 13 because she can’t go to a party with a bunch of boys, who I know are going to try to kiss her, I’ll show her this post. And she’s going to yell some more, but at least I’ll kind of look like I predicted the future, which is fun.
Comments
@Matthew Green – The world's way of parenting says "let the kids be kids," but really means have no barriers, let kids just do whatever, until they're teenagers. Then, all of a sudden, they want to throw up fences and say, No there are limits to decent behaviour.
On the other hand, what we've done, and what it sounds like other parents are doing is establishing a fence line when they are young saying, This is the boundary. Within it, no limits, but stay in it. As they get older, because we have developed a trusting relationship and they already understand the boundaries, we can move the fences out as is appropriate for their age.
Frankly, IMHO, 16yo boys and girls don't need to be dating (mine don't, total dorks). They have an entire life ahead of them to do that. Why rush? They should be working on getting a grip on who they are and God's purpose for their life, not wondering if he's going to try to kiss her tonight.
Just sayin.
You are on the right track. My 10 year old daughter is drawn to the pop-star scene and I rally against it like a crazed woman. It's all around our youth these days but I want to tell you that it's possible to buck the 'pop' system and raise great kids. JUST SAY NO! My daughter still thinks she is a rock star and she is but in the dorkiest fashion. I am standing for the preservation of innocence in our youth and say 'woot woot' to your desire to go against the cultural tide. Go dad go!!
i love it. mom to two little crazies 4 and 7- both hardcore dorky. this post made me feel much better for it :] love your blog.
Thank you. I am a dork and proud.
Like you, during my early 20's I wanted to be a non-dork. Someone actually said to me "You are a Christian? You are way to cool to be a Christian!"
…and I was proud of that?
We have to give up this notion that Christianity is cool. Cool is what the world says is good – we (I) shouldn't rely on that stamp of approval from them.
–M
Very True Mikeruel
if anything, seeking that stamp of approval makes it harder for us to live a christian lifestyle
Awesome, beautiful, wonderful post. As the mom of a 12-year-old girl who still wants to build sandcastles and jump on the trampoline and ride horses, I give you a virtual standing ovation. Most of my daughter's peers wear more makeup than I do, sing along to Lady Gaga and spend all their time texting each other and the boys they like. It's just sad.
Well we used to have Amy Grant but…. Oh yeah we forgave her didn't we?
My dorks are going to be bigger dorks than your dorks….
So there
So I wanted to leave a comment earlier and I chickened out, but I see that Jin-roh and Kathryn at 8.14am had the guts to say what I wouldn't… it is hard being raised so sheltered that you're socially akward, and dating for the first time away from home is awful. I wish my parents had let me date before I went to college, so that at least I could talk to them/family about stuff. Now I'm 24 and trying to figure things out.
Bad peeps can corrupt
Good parenting to be sure
Who are your child's friends?
http://ChristianHaiku.com – 1 Cor 15:33
Oh, the joys of the internet and our archived hopes and dreams. My mother became a Christian when I was 14, and pretty much tried to rewind my childhood, and I hated it with a passion. But now I see what she was trying to do, what she is still trying to do with my sister, who is now 15.
I'm glad for the chance to raise lovable dorks. Considering my fiance and I, they have no choice but to be some kind of dork.
Jon, just because of this post, I'm going to spend the rest of my day singing the CCM classic…
I'm not cool but that's ok.
My God loves me anyway
I'm not cool but that's alright
I'm still precious in his sight…
Thanks!
Oh, how I wish I was serving God then like I am now. I now have a mixed bag. My daughter is 13 and is the epitomy of the cool kid, but, she is becoming a stealth dork. She invites her friends to have sleepovers on Saturday night, with the understanding that they have to come to church with us on Sunday morning. But, she's also into all of the things that are "cool" according to her friends. Sadly, my dork status is well established in her mind and she won't get into anything if it's something that i recommend…because i recommended it.
My 9 year old boy on the other hand seems to be a dork in training…so there is hope.
Oh, how I wish I was serving God then like I am now. I now have a mixed bag. My daughter is 13 and is the epitomy of the cool kid, but, she is becoming a stealth dork. She invites her friends to have sleepovers on Saturday night, with the understanding that they have to come to church with us on Sunday morning. But, she's also into all of the things that are "cool" according to her friends. Sadly, my dork status is well established in her mind and she won't get into anything if it's something that i recommend…because i recommended it.
My 9 year old boy on the other hand seems to be a dork in training…so there is hope.
Sooo cool!!! I'm with you all the way on this…
Yeah dorks! Dorks are the coolest…or..er..
I'm a serious dork waiting to find the dork God has set aside for me!
wv: elyte: the snobs with a "y," not an "i."
Hey Jon, this is totally unrelated to today's post, but I had to share. I teach English to international students at UF, and today I managed to work the middle finger of grammar into my lesson plan.
We were talking about when to capitalize, and some of my students were struggling with whether to capitalize "God" or not. I told them about the middle finger of grammar and they cracked up. We managed to apply it to other nouns as well – like if you call our football team "the gators" instead of the "the Gators," you've given Tim Tebow the middle finger of grammar. I was so tickled that they got it! I will definitely be referring to it in class from now on
Kathyrn, Jin-Roh, and Owumi- I hear what you are saying. I don't believe parents should create a bubble around their kids so much that they become socially awkward adults. However, I don't think people should allow their tween daughters to look and act like 16 year olds. Or 16 year olds to look, act, and talk like a 26 year old. Or their boys for that matter. And may I add, I was in the "cool crowd" in highschool and college whatever that means. And it causes relationship issues too. You tend to be self-centered, too concerned with the outward appearance, and dreadfully insecure (mainly because you don't know when your social circle is going to turn their back on you). So you may be able to talk to people but being in a lasting relationship is tough because you tend to be so shallow (that was me before God totally changed me). There's a balance and it's a difficult one. Your kids have to live out a Godly life in the world but they don't have to be of it. I pray that when God gives me a family, He'll give me the wisdom to teach them that balance.
Great post, Jon. It reminded me of what a great preacher of the past (Dr. Curtis Hutson) said of the famous verse, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) Dr. Hutson said we are commanded to only teach the way the child should go-and never the way they should not. Following this verse is nearly impossible if one actually has an address on planet Earth, but our efforts are not in vain. Limiting access to the things of the world is right, and biblical, and holds the promise of the overwhelming possibilities that come with an abundant Christian life.
God bless you and your precious children.
I was expecting a Lord of the Rings reference in there somewhere…
As the mother of two dorky teenagers and one dorky pre-teen, I say a hearty "Amen!" to this post. You are so right that they will never, ever have a chance to relive their childhood–why speed it up?
My 17-year-old has never been on a date. She decided early in high school that she didn't want to date in high school because, as she said, "It's not like I'm going to marry a guy I go out with in high school." She's stuck to this decision, even though she could have had plenty of dates, and I'm so proud of her. She's WAY more mature about this than her mom, that's for sure.
And just a couple of weeks ago my 6th grader had a friend over who said to her, "I love playing at your house because you like to play cheesy games." I think what her friend meant was that they play kiddie games, but that was o.k. with her. My daughter's friend knew that she could let her guard down and just be a kid here. I love that!
Welcome to Christian Dorkdom! I think it takes being a parent for a lot of us to step back and look at the world in a truly objective fashion, and realize once again, that God always get's it right!
Sheltering our children is not hiding them from the world; it's giving them the sense and know-how to come in out of the rain! To a place that they are safe–and dry…
I'm with you–my kids will know the "coolness" of what's out there, but hopefully, and prayerfully it won't be by experience.
Great line…you can't rewind childhood. Better to have dorks enjoying their childhood than cool kids jaded with life by the time they are 15.
but even more fascinating to me were the few popular kids who were "outwardly" christian, and quietly led others to christianity with their coolness. i specifically remember one HOTTIE in highschool who would never really date (i assume to avoid getting in situations he wouldn't want to be in–sex, etc) who would hang out at parties but never drink, and played football (and was good) with isaiah 40:31 written in sharpie up the side of his calf during every game. he grew up to be a youth minister, and is still a hottie. impressive.
No rewind, no pause, and no slo-mo. No TIVO, either, so you can't just "skip" the yucky parts. You are wise, Jon. Very.
Suuuuuuuuuch a difficult balance!!! I feel your pain. Thankfully, (for NOW), my children hear the word "inappropriate" and understand, and don't push the envelope. They are 11 and 9, and I don't know how much longer that will last, but amen for dorks.
Wellllll, I recently sent my husband to the grocery store with my 12 month old while I was baking to get me some more of an ingredient and he arrived home with flowers he claims the baby picked out but said the baby really wanted to get me a Hannah Montana balloon instead! Ha!
Another problem with this culture's targetting of adolescent styles to children presents itself in clothes (did you know they make little girl thongs / lingerie?! Gross). Twice now I have been shopping for myself and realized in the fitting room, or worse, at home, that I had selected children's clothes! Ha ha!
Yeah she's going to hate you for it. But she'll "hate" you for everything when she's 13 – there is not a possible way to be cool to your 13 year old!
She'll thank you for making her "uncool" later! I definitely agree innocence should be preserved as long as possible – isn't it a parents' job to protect their kids?
I am kinda responding to the ones who were encouraging parents to let their kids date in high school…
"Dating", IMO, is not a mature or godly way of finding a spouse. It treats people as disposable or temporary. And this is based off of what I've seen, even among Christians.
Courting prepares a couple for potential marriage as they discover if they are compatible spiritually, emotionally, etc.
But… if a teen's not ready to get married, why encourage them to flirt with someone's heart? If your kid is 16 or 17, even 18, they are 99% likely not to be ready for that serious relationship.
For one, a girl's ability to make well-thought-out decisions doesn't fully develop til age 18; guys fully develop even later at 22.
Second, in high school, most people are discovering who they really are. (Well, I was, at least.) Two incomplete people don't make a whole couple. That serious relationship that leads to marriage has to include two whole people.
I encourage parents: teach your kids to wait patiently, to seek and love God wholeheartedly, and to learn to hear His voice. That way when the right time comes, He will have already told them "This is the one. Go for it."
Hey, I maintain that the dorks are the ones having the most fun. The "cool" people were always too worried something would ruin their image. Dorks don't really care, and we're willing to have fun in the silliest, most ridiculous ways. I love being a dork!
I really wish my parents were as wise as you. Bless you mate.
Love x
I had a ten-year-old camper this summer who is what you hope your little girl will be. I give the following as an example of a healthy approach to elementary boys:
(in response to a comment about a few of the boys in our family group) "Well don't TOUCH them, I mean.. they're dirty. When's the last time you saw one of them wash their hands, last month??" My co-counselor and I encouraged this attitude to no end. She's going to be a knockout and needs some healthy disgust
I agree with your sentiments wholeheartedly. I don't have any kids. I was a dork in h.s. and I wouldn't really want to wish my version of dorkiness on any girl (think didn't wash my hair often enough, extremely shy, etc). But I do think that the girls around 5 or 6 are being exposed to way too much. I've noticed this for a while, in several nieces and my neighbors granddaughters. Hannah may be a bit tamer than the ones I'm thinking of. The music, the dress, immodest to say the least. Somehow the idea of sheltering kids from adult stuff has become old-fashioned with too many adults.
I LOVE this post- enough to comment, which I have never done (even though I've emailed your site to everyone I know).
You might be interested in reading "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" and "Bringing Up Geeks"…highly recommended reading for the raising dorks crowd… which I fully intend my 5 and 7 year old daughters to be- yay dorks!
I had my 5-year-old niece for the weekend, and after asking me to name the clowns in her puzzle, she got inspired to tell knock-knock jokes that made no sense at all. (By the way, Bozo is apparently a horrible clown name.) Coming from a 30-year-old, the jokes would have been beyond dorky, but Amelia and I laughed ourselves silly, and I told her that. When my mother came in, I told Amelia to tell her some of the jokes. Amelia looked at me and said, "Granny isn't really in a silly mood." And Amelia and I started the giggles all over. Dorky is fun.
Bless your heart brother. You certainly deserve a shower of skittles and a dad of the year plaque. As a father of three- I am alright with them being the biggest dorkiest pastors kids around.
I'm so glad you wrote this. I couldn't agree more with you. I see a lot of these young children trying to act like they're teenagers and it frustrates me. I did mature alot faster than my peers when I was growing up, (I'm 17
) but I still watched Barney while they were watching music videos for Lil' Bow Wow or some such nonsense. And to this day I still say Arthur is one of the best shows on television. I'm proud of my childhood, and other kids should be enjoying theirs. Thank you for being willing to raise "dorks". ^_^
Great stuff. You are right on the money on this parenting issue I believe. Don't think of it as raising a dork. Think of it as creating a new culture of self confidence for a new generation. Its always the kids who lead it. Make 'em proud to be a dork!
Brilliant insights here! I'm an old guy (My kids are 26 and 23). I guess the could have been considered dorks at some points in life. They're now very hip, very cool, well-adjusted adults.
One thing we did was we paid attention to what they watched and did. We very closely followed labelling on products. No PG13 movies 'til you were 13. No R 'til you were 17. If the toy box said for ages 5 and up, they didn't get it 'til 5 or up. Did we ever slip up in this? Yup. But we were consistent, overall.
We limited extracurricular activities to 1 church thing and 1 other thing (sports, band, theater, whatever). Their lives weren't programmed to death. They had time to goof off an to be kids.
The other thing we did was to ENJOY them. As Christian parents, we get so wrapped up in their spiritual lives, development and behavior, that we can be pretty hard on 'em. If you're not having fun with them, you're missing out! And so are they! Plus, you're probably loading your relationship with baggage: do this, don't do that, be like this…You're driving each other crazy.
One last thing, my wife taught me. When people would say, I have a hard time trusting God with my kids, she'd reply, "I can't believe that God ever trusted me to care for 'our' kids. After all, they're really His!"
God bless all you parents and parents-to-be out there.
Love this. As a new mother of a 3-month-old, I'm starting to rethink what I have on the DVR. I need to be proactive rather than reactive to protect my son's childhood.
As a former youth and children's pastor, thank you for writing this. I had to watch the little girls in elementary school try to dress/act/be like the characters they see on Disney/Nick/etc. And those kids turn into teens who are over the top when it comes to letting their hormones control their lives. Now that I have a daughter in 1st grade, we are very careful about what she watches on TV. Even the shows that most kids her age watch are off-limits in our house. And it's not because we think they're necessarily or inherently bad, but they're covering topics my 1st grader doesn't need exposure to just yet.
I think this is an awesome post, and my opinion of you skyrocketed after reading it! (not that it wasn’t high already, just boosted even more!) AND I am so encouraged by reading so many comments from parents who agree and have the same goal. This was just amazing. I posted it on my facebook status and linked it from my blog today. AWESOME AWESOME post!
I've got 3 uber-cool kids who don't seem to have the awkward social nuance associated with "church kids" or "homeschool kids" or "kids who's dad wasn't raised in Christian home and so the dad might of gone to extremes to compensate for not being raised in church, God used it anyway and now the dad knows that it's ok, Jesus digs us"
I would really beware of those disney princess movies, too. They all send the message that you'll meet your one and only, and do anything to be together, and then live happily ever after. And after Ariel defies her father, he still grants her wishes… The only I truly like is Beauty and the Beast, because Belle looks beyond the beasts features and loves him because of his heart…..
[...] #629 Raising Dorks [...]
As a 22yr old guy, i have read all 94 comments and feel that most are not balanced views, and in danger of the sheltering you mentioned. There was 3 posts that talked about guys who struggled to deal with real relationships after being out of their family "safety bubble". While i agree with not letting kids into stuff thats above their age range, i think that the trend in christian circles (at least from the posts and my experience) is to over protect their kids. I guess as a parent you could say fair enough.
But two things; i have plenty of great christian friends who just don't have non-christian friends. They grew up in church and just can't relate effectively with "outsiders". its hard to tell your friends about jesus when their all christians.
2nd, is the relating to girls, which is bad enough issue without being pushed away from them by your parents. what if parents encouraged good relationships with the opposite gender, it would be so awkward but also helpful. How about actually helping kids to be switched on and dealing with issues, instead of letting them deal with it by-themselves when they are hitting 30… telling kids and actually helping through growing up are two different things, balance, equip them to deal with the real world.
Sorry for going on a bit… be in the world not of the world…
I think that I would like my kids to be like Jesus (not dorks) maybe more like the stealth dorks. Jesus was constantly hanging out at parties – not seeking to be included but loving the lost and the least who were hanging there cos of their own needs. I don't want to bring up kids who live in a holy huddle. If your kids are going to be as cunning as serpents then you will need to let them live a little and see through our hollow commercial western culture.
Here's a question for you – how many friends have you led to Christ because you are not going to be that practised at leading your kids to Christ if you have never been out there on the front line.
Incidentally "Dork" is an incredibly racist term which comes from the south and is a version of "Dark".
God bless you as you strive to protect your kids, love God and reach the lost for Christ!!!
Penni
I'm a dorky 17 yo girl who reads sarcastic Christian blogs for fun. And I love it. Rock on Jon. Rock on.
I know we're dorks, but do we have to be uber dorky? See the show "Walk on Water" for ultimate Christian dorkiness. It's on NRB or YouTube it. I wholeheartedly agree with this post, and if the Lord sees fit that I go forth and multiply someday, then I want to keep my kiddos as squeaky clean as any. However, I don't want them running around yelling, "Sponge Bob is evil!" to every kid in their preschool. That only ticks other parents off who do allow their kids to watch it. Can't there be a balance?
Fabulous! I'm a mother of two, and I fully support this venture!
Have you seen the book Bringing Up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid's Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World by Marybeth Hicks? I saw this book a while back, and your post reminded me that I'd still like to read it.
Kudos!
You are exactly right – dorky kids are great. My three kids are dorks and I’m proud that they don’t get into junk and overly adult stuff. I’ve also worked hard to install a reality filter into my children. They are now quick to tell me, ‘That’s not true’, about all sorts of things from media reports to when they’ve been called a hurtful name.