This is going to come as a shock for many of you, but I wasn’t popular in high school.
I know, I know, given the unibrow, constant braces, and tap dancing lessons, you would think that I would have been homecoming king. But that wasn’t the case. I was a bit of a loser. And by “bit” I mean “big” and by “big” I mean “wicked big.”
I just wasn’t popular and although I’ve committed to raising my own kids as dorks, I was taken aback when my daughter confessed something the other night at dinner.
L.E. is in kindergarten. After three years at a small local church preschool program, she’s started her journey through the public education system. And last week at dinner she told us, “Mary told Janice that I was a big, fat loser.”
She just threw that sentence out on the kitchen table in between forced bites of vegetables. And it sat there for a second, with my wife and I not knowing quite what to do. With big blue eyes, L.E. looked back and forth at as, silently asking a loud question …
“Is it true?”
She didn’t use those words, but that was at the heart of her confession. Someone had called her a big fat loser so she asked the people who have known her the longest, “Is it true?”
Am I big?
Am I fat?
Am I a loser?
Although my wife and I tried our best to talk through the situation with her and assure her it was not true, 10 minutes after we had conversationally left the subject, L.E. burst into tears at the table. She wouldn’t talk about it. When we asked her what was wrong she laughed it off and hid her face in her milk glass, desperate to hold it all together, but the question “Is it true?” kept pushing tears out.
That’s a tough question and I wish it was one that we all left in childhood.
But it’s not, is it?
If I’m being honest, I ask myself “Is it true?” sometimes when I get a negative comment on this site or a hateful email. Someone tells me I’m a horrible writer or a horrible Christian or a horrible anything, and I start to wonder, “Is it true?”
Have you ever asked yourself that question?
Has someone ever told you that you were fat? Or untalented? Or unqualified? Or hopeless? Did a divorce try to tell you that you were broken, a job loss tell you that you were worthless or a parent that you were less than the child they hoped for?
Have you ever found yourself asking the question, “Is it true?”
We all do at some point and the challenge is that we often try to find the answer to that question in the wrong place.
When I feel wounded or hurt, I often feel tempted to ask Google Analytics, a web traffic tool, if I’m any good. I want to open up my statistics and look at all the pageviews and say, “See, that’s not true. I’m not worthless, look at all the countries that have read this site.”
And maybe if you don’t have a blog, you go somewhere else for the answer to the question, “Is it true?”
Maybe you go to a memory, and try to relive a time in your life when you felt popular or loved.
Maybe you ask a new car or a new pair of shoes or a new anything your question.
Am I old? Is that true sports car?
Am I ugly? Is that true new outfit?
Am I dumb? Is that true new laptop?
And we ask and ask and ask, but regardless of the answer, regardless of if our loved ones provide a temporary salve to a question that hinges on our true identity, something gnaws at us.
The only thing I think we can do in that moment is ask the only one who really knows the answer to the question, “Is it true?” And that’s God.
He, unlike your friend, unlike your boss, unlike that shiny new toy you purchased to try to beat back the feelings of inadequacy, He knit you in the womb. He knows you like no other and He loves answering questions like, “Is it true?” and “Who am I?”
The Bible is riddled with verses where God gives us glimpses of who we are, but one has stuck out to me over the years. I’ve written about it before and I’ll write about it again because I heart this verse. It’s Isaiah 30:18. The first half of the verse says,
“Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.”
I love that idea, because it loudly answers, “Is it true that I am unloved” by saying, “No, God rises to show you compassion. He longs to be gracious. He gets up in the morning with compassion in His big God heart for small feeling you.”
I don’t know what in your life might have caused you to ask the question, “Is it true?” but I hope today, that you’ll think about a new way to answer it.
Regardless of why you’re asking that question, the answer might be:
“No, it’s not true. You are not that word, that thing, that label someone or even yourself is asking you to wear. Showing you compassion is the reason God gets up in the morning. That is what’s true.”
What have you been asking “Is it true?” about lately?
Comments
Thank you for this. I've been asking that question in several areas of my life lately. I always heart serious Wednesdays and now, I heart Is. 30:18, too.
you & the wife are ready for raising girls.
sounds like L.E. is ready to be a nice girl, who knows 1st hand that words can hurt, and where to go with that hurt.
thanks for sharing this with all of us. it's so much more than just "kids can be mean".
is it true? captures all of our longing and pain.
Wow – I really have been doing the "is it true?" thing a lot recently. And it's nuts, it eats me.
See, I get discouraged (and flippin' flipptied out) when many of the other gals in my Small Group don't visit my blog. I honestly think I've got good stuff going on there…. BUT the gals that I'm supposed to be closest to, the one's I'm supposed to be doing life with aren't reading it.
And so I become CONSUMED with staring at TWO "is it true"s?
Either ONE: they must not love and support me, cause if they loved/supported me it would naturally result in reading my blog (if they had a blog, or a store, a book, or something – I'd support it) OR TWO: (the only other option I'm left with) my blog sucks so hard that not even the ones I'm closest to can stand to read it.
….sad topic and timely Yeah, maybe God loves me and thinks I'm swell – but I sadly need earthly reassurances, especialy from the ones I love.
I can totally relate. My husband and I own a couple bookstores and some of our closest friends, church family and blood family haven't been to either one. In two and a half years of being open. We sometimes get discouraged because they're the same ones who always ask us how business is and say they're going to come by. We think is it true that they like us? Is it true that they value us as friends/family?
Recently someone from the church family had to shut down their bookstore. I had been in a couple of times but never knew it was theirs till it was closing. I felt bad that I didn't buy anything but they didn't carry the sort of books I read. I might have picked up some sci-fi if I knew it was their though. I like sci-fi but don't have much time for fiction lately.
In a sick way, your comment is encouraging. In the sense of "I'm not alone"
I go back and forth with considering asking the point blank question "Is there a reason you don't read my blog?" But then I get to wondering WWJD? Would He say that it would be okay to ask? Clearly I need to validate my own insecurities… hence I'm right back to Jon's post.
OK – so I'll just ask for for selfish miracles "God make them read my blog"
Good luck on your stores…if GA wasn't so far away from CA – honestly I would pop over just to give you a hug (a real one, not a side one). We'll have to settle for an internet hug —> {{{abbey}}}
My husband doesn't read my blog. Some of my best friends don't read my blog. I felt sort of weird about that for a while, but then I realized: They see me all the time. They pretty much know what I have to say already…. Maybe that's what's going on with your small group, Sherry. They don't need your blog — they've got you!….
I've made some awesome friends through my blog, though — some at my own church (people I barely knew) and people all over the country. People I *wouldn't* get to know any other way… I've come to think that maybe my "real" (FTF) relationships really don't need an internet boost as well….
Post your blog address in reply — I'll read it. And I bet a lot of other folks here would check it out, too.
VERY awesome post! I have never visited your blog before, but I will be back I'm sure. Throughout the last year, God has shown me that I have lived under the lies of "not being good enough" for my entire life, and He is now walking me through the process of finding out who I really am, and how to be that person. I can relate to what your daughter went through — can totally empathize with what happened to her — like I'm sure most of your readers can. And now the tears come, as I read what you wrote once again.
There is a song that was posted on Facebook just this morning, that was written by Bob Dylan, but was performed by Phil Keaggy. Here is the link, so that you and all your readers can listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3aWDTmblpE
I don't know you at all, but as I read this post, one thought rises up in my heart for you, and for all of your readers: Jesus totally enjoys thinking about YOU. He LOVES thinking about you! He gets so excited, just thinking about you! May we all hang on to that thought, that we are the most important thoughts in His mind.
Be blessed!
Wow Jon… thank you.
A literary agent recently deemed my writing "okay" when he emailed to reject my query. I didn't ask, "Is it true?" when I read his response to my submitted manuscript. I just went ahead and assumed it was true. I just about threw in the whole writing towel, and had myself a big fat spiritual crisis over what I had thought was a "calling" over that one, tiny word: "okay." I wish I had read your post that day. But I'll keep this one on hand, for there will surely be another "okay" day. Thanks, Jon!
First, this is a terrific post. I follow you on twitter precisely so that I don't miss a blog entry, I honestly love what you write. And everything in this post is true, and great, and….all that. The problem is that my little brain doesn't stop there.
If I am feeling dumb or ugly or fat or incompetent, and go to Him for comfort that is appropriate. But it doesn't answer the "is it true" thing for me. Am I missing a nuance that you're all getting? I believe that one of the wonderful qualities that God has that can take us a lifetime to learn is that He loves dumb, ugly, fat, old, young, incompetent, arrogant, successful and loser people (and so should we). He will always answer the "is it true I'm unloved" thing with a resounding "NO!" but the rest can still rattle around inside my brain and I don't see a biblical absolution from that – where am I missing it?
BTW, I'm not clinically depressed or anything, just haven't seen the verses that tell me that if God loves me, I'm anything but loved.
Here is what is definitely true: I come here daily for a laugh, but today I was brought to tears. I am so thankful that you're just honest and open and raise simple, touching questions. I love this blog.
As a twenty-something single girl who hasn't been asked out on a date in the last three years, I often wrestle with asking the 'is it true' question not because of what has been said to me, but because of what hasn't.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in telling myself that i'm not good enough, or that nobody wants to love me because nobody is going out of their way to pursue me. As a Christian, I know in my heart that my identity and my desire to be loved can really only be satisfied in Christ alone, but when you're attending 10+ weddings a year of your surrounding friends, its very easy to let the flesh side of me chime in and start to ask the question…is it true? Am I really not worthy of an earthly reflection of God's love? I know its not true, and I know that God absolutely has a plan for this season…thank you for the reminder of what the real answer is, that I need to remind myself of daily.
"I often wrestle with asking the 'is it true' question not because of what has been said to me, but because of what hasn't."
Well said. I'm so sorry you're feeling the pain of the unasked question. Sometimes that's the WORST. Been there too.
Thanks Jon. This is very timely for me right now. God bless you, brother.
I love, love, love Isaiah 30:15-18. It's my personal fave top 5. Seriously.
Isaiah 30:18 is b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l – and so is this post, Jon.
Loved it — as usual!
Is it true that I am worthless because I'm overweight? Is it true that I will always need help from my parents? Is it true that no one will ever love me? Is it true that I will never have a family of my own?
I have asked this question over and over again, in all the wrong places. Thanks for bringing me back to reality. Great post today.
I hope your L.E. is doing ok, and in a loving home like yours, she will in time know that it is in fact NOT true. Kids can be mean, and words can be cruel. I pray that she remembers always the love of family and friends, so that she is not bothered by the ignorance of cruel, thoughtless comments.
Don't feel alone, I ask those same questions everyday. It can seem pretty hopeless when no answer comes back. But it is also amazing how God reminds us (through blog post like this) of who we are valuable to, God.
I just had a flashback moment when Shaun Morrieta said I was obese and ugly. I was 12.
That comment has since sent me in a tailspin of self-loathing and I've grappled with over 35 diets and tons of "Am I" questions.
I've come to a realization that haters are going to hate. Who gives a rip?! Jon, if you don't have haters, you ain't cool. So keep doing what you're doing. I'll be the one wearing the I-Don't-Hate-Jon-Acuff shirt in Chicago next week
[Yes, I put that emoticon there just to annoy you.]
Ouch. Haters are hurters, and sometimes we're our own worst enemy. Your daughter is so blessed by your insight and love.
I can really relate to this, both as a parent and as a blogger. Isn't it amazing how both of those identities have a way of whisking you right back to those complex, school-age feelings of worth, popularity and doubt? I've been feeling it more the past year than I have since I was 13.
Thanks for bringing it all together here, and pointing back to God's love for us.
Bonnie has an interview with Jon on her blog today!
http://www.faithbarista.com/2009/10/special-blend...
Jon, thank you so much. I really needed that today. The words/phases that keep coming at me include incompetent, inadequate, foolish, stupid, not man enough, not focused enough, not disciplined enough, and on and on and on. And my heart has been asking, "Is it true?" an awful lot lately. This post hit the nail on the head for me today. Thanks!
Working with middle school students, I see/hear this all the time. My first response to them when they share what others' opinions of them are, is "Do you believe it?" Ultimately, it's not how others label us, it's whether or not we choose to believe them. The truth is that horrible people only have as much power to hurt us as we allow them. (I can only say this after being in an abusive relationship for years….not because I'm naive to hurt.) We know that the enemy only comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." That includes us! He will do anything and use anyone to convince us that we are less than what He has created us to be. It breaks my heart that I/webelieve it…..
Yep. I concur wholeheartedly. Knowing that we ask this question is a huge step in the right direction. Great post.
This is so on target for me. I've been asking that question for many, many years.
A year and a half ago, my roommates kicked me out of our apartment at 2 a.m. (long story). That situation left me very traumatized and insecure, and I started feeling like I failed at life. I constantly asked myself if I was really a failure, was I really all the terrible things my former roommates said about me. I even went as far as to ask my mother if I was a failure. She gave me an excellent answer (she's a wonderful, Godly woman), but now I know I should've gone to God with those questions about my identity and abilities.
Thank you for this, Jon. I needed it.
Loved the article, but took me a minute to parse a couple of the sentences. e.g. "Am I old? Is that true sports car?"
You need a comma before addressing a person or thing, so it should be "Am I old? Is that true, sports car?"
Back to the topic: one of the greatest sins we commit is to make a person's negative view of us true. If someone said I was lame, but I knew I wasn't, then doubts started to form in my mind, then I really acted lame, then that would be foolish of me. I know I'm lame! But I try not to act that way!
I am GOD'S Favorite, We are All GOD'S Favorite. Within our body of Believers we do our best to encourage each other w/ good words such as these, striving to make Good Deposits to each others emotional bank accounts and NOT Bad Withdraws, as our leadership says Deposits GOOD / Withdraws Bad. Our Identity is so very important in CHRIST and our Heavenly FATHER Deposits only that which is GOOD. HE is so unlike the withdraws we've heard thu-out our lives such as (big, fat, loser) or you'll never amount to anything or your stupid. A few weeks ago a lady in our body had a dream where she walked into this room filled w/ pictures wall to wall, floor to ceiling, who are all these people she asked, these are all my FAVORITE'S. Now that is the Heart of GOD toward us All.
First off, I will be praying for L.E. I have a cousin, Tanner, who is 5, and like L.E., he has started public school after several years of a church preschool program. It's only been 2 months and he's already coming home with those terrifying "is it true?" questions. The worst was when Tanner told another boy his dad was a police officer, and that boy said his father was going to kill Tanner's dad because of it. (And we live in rural Maryland, too!!) It's so sad that a five year olds has to deal with a "threat" of his dad being killed or being told their a big fat loser…
Now, on to me. High school was an interesting time for me. I was always a dork, and I was under no delusions otherwise. (Oh, and I still am.) But for some reasons, I was fairly well liked by most people and never faced much teasing at all.
Now, I'm 24 years old and a year and a half out of grad school, but I feel like I'm going through a high school period professionally and personally. Personally, I'm single, living at home, with lots of student loans, and no relationship prospects on the way. I was seeing a guy over the summer, but quickly realized that he had his own issues to deal with and got out of that relationship. And at work, I'm a social worker and work with teenagers in foster care. We do a teen group twice a month. It's a great experience and I love it. But Monday was Amanda, our Independent Living Coordinator, last day… I'm stepping up to take over the groups temporarily and am planning on applying for the position. Ironically, six years after high school ended, I think I'm dealing more with the questions of "will the like me?", "will I be a good enough leader?", "they all loved Amanda and will quickly see how much of a dork I am compared to her."
And then one of the girls tell me that they're really going to miss Amanda, but think I'm going to do a great job, too. And then you post this… And I know I'm still going to struggle with my "Is it true?" moments, but I'm printing this off to post on my bulletin board at work to read when I feel that way. Thanks, Jon.
You did a wonderful thing for your daughter. We all know God loves everyone equally. Real depression in Christians comes with the belief that God is vastly disapointed in you and wishes you would just stop exisiting. The myth is that depressed Christians are bad Christians because they think they can't be forgiven or that God does not love them. Not true! It comes from the inner voice that says "you're a big fat loser" By taking your daughter's worries seriously and helping her to see herself as a lovely and beautiful person, you have helped prevent this and did amazing things for her that you just can't see today.
Was I really inconsequential? Did I really never count? Yeah, "Is it true" does keep pushing out the tears. Well written, Jon. Thanks for being an example of God to your little girl. And to us.
this is not a question i have had to answer until i became a father and our children went off to pre-k
and came back with similiar questions & thoughts. i've wonder if it pains God as much as me to hear my children ask these questions.
Oh, that post was as good as the krumper guy making it through on SYTYCD.
i’m new to your blog. it has given me great laughter. a break from all the serious discussions i read about post-evangelicalism, nt wright vs. j. piper, internet monk vs. teampyro, mars hill vs. mars hill etc. don’t understand them anyway.
but this post. man, really touches me to the core. thank you very much! this is God’s word for me. been dealin a lot with what you discussed. and He answered.
thank you again, so very much.
The only thing that is always true is Jesus. After all, he said himself that he is the Truth; he is the Word that lives. You reach the point in spiritual growth where you stop asking, "Is it true?" and realise that the only thing that matters is God's approval of you. And he does, no matter what the world tries to tell you. Because we have all been chosen by God, who looks at our heart; not at our physical appearance, or the shameful choices that we have made.
So when you ask, "Is it true?", smile to yourself and say, "Yes, it's true that Jesus died for me and that no matter what, God loves me and has called me according to his plan for my life." At the end of the day, the opinions of others do not matter to your life, one way or the other.
[...] Asking “Is It True?” by Jon Achuff [...]
I just want to say, I thank God that He had placed you and your wife as stewards of two beautiful children, and would not settle at anything less than convincing them that God thinks that they are beautiful, and no one else's opinions matter.
Cheers.
A great and timely post. Doesn't seem to matter what age we are – we all go through these times. The whisper of the enemy is so strong sometimes. There are days when I can only answer with the name of Jesus – but that is enough.
Poor L.E. …I hope you gave her all the hugs she could stand.
Stupid Mary.
Awesome post, Jon!!
sigh. missed your posts over the last few days and am so grateful I stole the time to read back. this was (and has been) the exact question I have been asking myself this very morning. And I was feeling so disappointed as I continually asked the question to the wrong people, particularly, my spouse. thanks so much for the reminder. it's like all truth – not so much that we never knew it, just that we kind of forgot it.
im been thinking a lot about this as well, specifically speaking truth into others: http://bridupree.wordpress.com/
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for this. I think every human on the planet struggles with this. Thanks for the reminder that my identity is in Christ.
Flyleaf's Breathe Today
You can only move as fast as,Who's in front of you,And if you assume,Just like them,What good will it do,So find out for yourself So your ignorance,Will stop bleeding through. we are bleeding spirituall emotionally as we continue to take in the "is it true" by the world and even self..Thanks for bringing this up..God loves us so much, we say it, sing it, write about it, even at times believe it..we just stumble on living it out
This post is a great reminder of our position in Jesus Christ and God’s regard for us as His children.
There’s a flip side to that coin, of course, and rather than chewing up your comment space with it here, I went ahead and blogged about it myself:
http://confessionsofafundamentalist.blogspot.com/2009/10/asking-is-it-true.html
Thanks for the great serious Wednesday posts of late.
[...] Asking is that true? (Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff – @prodigaljohn) [...]
Wow. That's such a true perspective on what I often do to try and make myself feel adequate.
Unfortunately, sometimes someone tells me that I'm a sinner. And even if I ask God "is it true?" He will say "yes." But that's not ALL I am. The ONLY reason that my sin does not define me is because Jesus gave up His glorious identity in Heaven so that I could wear His righteousness instead of my own sin. If Jesus had not died for me, then the only thing I could ever be is a big sinner, a fat sinner, and a loser sinner.
Thank you for this post. I'm 28 and had a family member lamblast not only me, but my sister and mother at the end of last week. I needed this reminder that God knows what he said was not true, and God loves each of us for who we are, not what we have, not what we are compared to others. Thank you so much.
[...] #642. Asking “Is it true?” [...]
thanks for this awesome reminder of God's love, jon — it made me tear up at the end as I realized how much I need to keep thinking on God's grace to me.
The one statement that has me struggling the most, even beyond the "you're fat" comments I've heard all my life is the new statement that has me longing for the "Is it true" answer, and one I have a hard time finding an answer too even in religion.
"You're to religious to be gay" OR "You're too gay to be a christian"
me and a million other christians battle everyday with this statement and other christians are the base of this issue. You bring a light to the subject that most people shut off when it comes to that subject, but for today that light will shine.
OBAMA LOVES HATE BILL
Go ahead, Mr. President. Sign the "hate" bill. By doing so you will help to fulfill the predicted repeat of the "days of Lot" in Luke 17 – days which today seem anxious to outperform their ancient counterparts! You have already been helping to fulfill the predicted repeat of the "days of Noah" in the same chapter – that is, violence towards the unborn which presently is matching, if not surpassing, the violence that forced God in Genesis 6 to announce that He would soon destroy everyone except Noah and his family. Mr. President, by helping to fulfill both of the above "days" you will discover that God has His Almighty veto over what you say and do!
Fully understanding that to respond to someone who so obviously doesn't care about much beyond pushing their own point of view will likely result in needless online shouting and political bashing, I must ask the following:
1) What would prompt you to try to commandeer a post about finding our identity in God with a hate-filled political rant?
2) Do you genuinely think this is an effective way to have dialogue about a political issue?
3) What do you hope to accomplish by posting your rant on page 4 of the comments of a blog post that was a week old when you commented?
this reminded me of the story at the end of 2 samuel where david calls a census and gets in huge trouble from god. there was no reason for david to call a census other than because he wanted to know how many people he had. it was like he needed the assurance that his army was large enough, that his kingdom was big enough. and god was NOT happy about it, because david shouldn't feel like the number of men under his charge made him worth something. what defined his worth was his relationship with god, nothing else. and what brought david victory was the lord, not his kingdom.
Oh my gosh, this kills me for L.E. it is so the way of school kids, but she's such a gorgeous girl.. how could that happen? I love what you wrote. Next time I am home, i am loving up on her, big time.
That’s probably one of your best serious posts…at least the one that fit me best. Thank you.
Thank you!!!
Is it true? Am I not woman enough, not sexy enough, not adventurous enough for this man I've been married to for over 30 years? His actions made me think it was true. In breaking my belief that I had a perfect marriage, God brought me back to Him and that is where I found the unconditional love I have needed for so long. I'll stay with my husband but I'm never giving up God again.