SCL

Recently, I saw a commercial for a new show on ABC called “V.” I immediately got excited because I thought someone finally had the courage to address a problem that is tearing the church asunder …

V-necks.

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was misplaced as the show appears to be about aliens. Fine, ABC, chicken out. Address fictional issues. V-necks however, are fact. And they are terrifying.

If you’re reading this right now and you can feel a slight breeze on your sternum because you’ve rocking a deep v-neck, it might be too late for you. If you’re reading this and thinking, “What’s a v-neck?” there’s still hope for you my friend.

Having recently seen 19 million v-necks at the Catalyst Conference and found myself in stage three of Deep V-Neck Syndrome (DVS) I feel qualified to offer the following caution. Here is how DVS typically goes down:

Stage 1 – The Questions

“I wonder if I could wear a v-neck?” As soon as that question dances across your mind like a nimble antelope, a seed has been planted. No one ever jumps right into a t-shirt with a neck that plunges toward their belt, it usually starts out slowly with a series of questions. “I wonder if I’m cool enough for that t-shirt?” or “I wonder how I would look wearing something like our worship leader is wearing? Could I pull that off?”

Stage 2 – The Initial Purchase

You don’t go to Urban Outfitters to get your first v-neck. Those are too deep and too fast all at once. You start out with “baby V steps.” You’ll be shopping at a store you often go to and suddenly notice that they carry v-neck t-shirts. “Hey, that’s different, that’s not the crew neck I’m used to. Hmmm.” I myself fell under the v-spell at Target. I saw some buttery smooth t-shirts, liked the colors and lo and behold they had a very subtle v to them. You could barely see it, but it was there. And with one taste, I was hooked.

Stage 3 – The Judgment

Once you go V, it is very, very difficult to ever respect your normal t-shirts again. You’ll open the closet, see those round, crew neck t-shirts staring at you and feel disappointed. “Look at you lazy t-shirts. Didn’t even make an effort to have a little flair, to dip your neck southward in a bold move of fashion and awesomeness. You disgust me.” I was about to pay for a maroon t-shirt at the register recently when my wife noticed it was not a v-neck. I snatched it like it was some sort of pit viper and flung it across the aisle away from me. (OK, not really, but I did hand it to the cashier and decide not to buy it on the spot as soon as it’s boring crew neckness was revealed.)

Stage 4 – The Scissors

“V the world!” your little heart will tell you. So in addition to buying v-flavored clothing items, you’ll actually get out a pair of scissors and start making your own. A friend of mine did that at a retreat recently. We were having a meeting and I noticed he was wearing a deep, ragged edge v-neck t-shirt that had the retreat’s logo on it. “Interesting,” I thought, “the t-shirts for this retreat are v-neck.” But they weren’t. I saw later that they were regular t-shirts but he had taken a pair of scissors to his and made his own v-neck. V very careful if you ever do this.

Stage 5 – The Abandon

It’s over. Your shallow v is about to go deep. First your sternum will be exposed and you’ll probably shave your chest a little. And then emboldened by that, you’ll get an American Apparel shirt that dips below your diaphragm. “Hey, look at me? Watch me breathe!” And then, it will dip so low people will be able to tell if you have an innie or outie belly button.

Has this happened to you? Did you recognize yourself in this list or perhaps someone you know and love?

Only we can stop Deep V-neck Syndrome. Please forward this to loved ones. Print it out and post it in a spot where worship leaders are known to congregate. (Perhaps a common watering hole like Starbucks.) We’ll get through this together. I know we will.

What’s your take on the v-neck?

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