Stealing from a church.
Oct 6th by Jon- Tagged in:
- Awanas,
- church,
- kids,
- Sunday School
It’s only a matter of time until I get caught and the other night, I almost blew it.
You see, right now my wife and I are “stealing Awanas,” the Bible club class that is kind of like VBS our kids attend once a week. Our church doesn’t offer it. It’s not their thing and I’m cool with that. But in order to have our kids involved in it we had to scout out other churches in the area and then quietly embed ourselves as if we were members. Like some sort of spiritual SWAT team we swing through the windows, grab all the ministries we need and then high tail it out of there.
And we found the perfect church down the street from us. So every Wednesday night we drop our kids off and then buy dinner in the dining hall with all the unsuspecting members of this church, but I almost messed up the whole operation.
The problem was that my wife wasn’t with me. She was at a consignment sale at another church we don’t attend. (We’re a couple of pew pillagers aren’t we?) So after Awanas was over, my daughters and I walked over to the dining hall. Everything was cool until a man walked up to our table and said, “Mind if we join you?”
“Oh snap, ” I thought to myself. “Be cool, Jon, be cool.”
“Sure, go ahead.” What do I say, what do I say to this guy? Make conversation, talk about the traffic, this is Atlanta, that is a fall back, go to topic. Instead I heard my mouth utter the worst possible phrase, “Do you attend here?”
He immediately looked at me with a quizzical expression and said, “Of course.”
Worst is over right, we’ll move on and talk about something else? Wrong. He continued.
“My daughter is in the choir.”
Uh oh.
“My mom is the one serving food right over there.”
Oh no.
“I actually work at this church and have for years.”
Yowza!
“I’m also on the security detail that tasers people who use our facility without attending this church.”
OK, he didn’t say that last one, but I was sitting with the ”President of this Church.” This guy was going to figure out we didn’t belong here. It was only a matter of time, so I did what any mature Christian parent would have done in that situation, I told my daughters to hurry up and finish their chocolate pudding and hustled us out of there like we were the Usain Bolt family. (Topical!)
What mistakes did I make? What things do you need to be aware of if your church is focused on certain things and therefore doesn’t offer some services/ministries you’d like to be part of? How do you pew pillage without blowing it like me?
Here are a few pointers …
1. Never make eye contact.
The more you look people in the eyes, the more likely you are to get invited to a new members class. Focus on your feet when you’re at the church you have no intent of joining since you already belong to another church.
2. Don’t give people your real name.
Pick one of the gospels, “Matthew, Mark, Luke or John.” The least real info you can leave behind at the scene of the crime the better. Now clearly I couldn’t have given fake names for my daughters last night. Like her adorable habit of yelling “They’re not wearing a bike helmet!” at families we see not wearing bike helmets, my 3 year old would have corrected me if I tried to tell my would be captor, “This is my daughter Orpha.”
3. Don’t linger.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, like the Cranberries warned us all those years ago, “Do you have to let it linger?” No, you don’t. My family eating dinner at the church is a bit like showboating. We’ve already won, we’ve already gotten what we came for, the Awanas class, there’s no reason to stick around and celebrate our theological theft with a fried catfish dinner. And yet, we do. Like joy riding the stolen car instead of taking it straight to the chop shop, dinner is probably a mistake.
You might not need any of these tips if your church offers everything you like to do. Or you could also hypothesize that if the church found out that we were using their Awanas program they’d say, “Awesome, that’s why we do it. It’s an act of community outreach. We’re thrilled that your kids are learning about God.” I mean I suppose that could be the case, but regardless, please know that next Wednesday when we go back to dinner I’m going to be looking for that guy on the church security team and will probably be wearing a fake mustache. Don’t tase me bro, don’t tase me.
Have you ever visited another church for a ministry or activity your church didn’t offer?
Comments
I find this much harder as a pastor in a small town … I am running out of disguises and aliases.
I have a feeling that the other churches are on to me …
I have never done this before so I might get it all wrong, but, I wanted to tell Paula that if she is looking for a good bible study she should check out Bible Study Fellowship. It is a non-denominational, international bible study. I am sure there must be one where you live or at least nearby. And you don't have to "Church Steal". teehee Give it a go.
Ok – had to post here. Our Senior Pastor has a "Next Step" Luncheon for those who might be considering joining our church. Recently at one of these luncheon's a former member who had been visiting our church for a few weeks came with her husband and three kids. What's the big deal? She had been very vocal (and on facebook, etc) about the fact that her husband had gotten a new job and they were moving the next month. how's that for "stealing" a meal.
I don't "pillage" – I make an offering to the church that offers the services I need so that I can help contribute to the good work they are doing.
And when people ask which church I go to, I tell them the truth. I usually receive a few puzzled stares after I'm "outed" as a non-member, but I can live with that. =)
"Don't Tase Me Bro"
You sly watcher of internet video, you. Trolling for keywords, much?
We've been visiting lots of new churches recently raising support. I love the awkward "do you attend here" questions. I need to come up with a funny one-liner I can drop.
"no, I attend at the first church of Beelzebub on the corner of Brimstone and FrozenLake."
Oh man, yea, there is a church in town that does a "rockyourfaceoffwewantpeoplewhodontlikechurchtocometoourchurchservice" that me and my wife like to go to, I am torn between avoiding eye contact, or trying to go Ninja for Jesus and sneak out during the the closing prayer, but I feel guilty for not closing my eyes, but rather running out the back door as people are making decisions to follow Jesus.
this is so funny i was laughing real hard while reading this. reminds me of the time when i moved to another city and started church hopping. i've always wanted to act like i was a new believer because i didn't want the small group leaders to know that i was a leader in my former church. i was never successful, either someone figures it out or there's somebody i know in that church.
When I graduated from Bible College (with a BA in Theology, no less) I tried my best to hide that fact and keep it a secret, especially when I was finding a new church… It never really worked, which was unfortunate. I just wanted to fit in…
We do the exact same thing! Our church only has Wednesday night stuff for middle school and high school. So we drop our middle schooler off at our home church and then we take her younger sister to another church for Awana. But we don't hide the fact that we go to another church. Why you ask? Because one of the things they ask the kids every week is if they went to Sunday school. My kids always tell their leaders, "Yes, but not here!" Kids, gotta love them! Also, I don't want the Awana people to think we are heathens who just drop them kids off, but don't think church is important for them.
I love awanas. It's at another church, which doesn't bother me at all. We picked this church because the program is 90 minutes, not 60 like every other church in town. I find that 90 minutes gives my husband and I time to order an appetizer along with our steak dinner and be back in time for pick up.
Oh give me a break! Most churches welcome visitors! One church cannot offer EVERYTHING.
And it really irks me when I hear about VBS charging people. Hello? Isn't it supposed to be an evangelistic thing?
I love my church! It has great teaching, life groups, sermons, etc…. But, it's a young church, runs a little less than 200 on Sundays, and there are hardly any single people. I'm the token single chick of the church that gets calls for babysitting and nursery duty. So, a few weeks ago, I broke my own iron-clad "no-church-stealing" rule to go and visit singles groups (actually, I called it "church-cheating") on Sunday nights. Feeling bad about this, I asked my pastor's wife if this was cheating on my church. She smiled and said "No way! Go meet a nice single guy and bring him back to our church!" I think she might have just endorsed church-stealing and maybe even church-member-stealing.
I actually have to look at this from the opposite perspective all the time. My church actually offers an AWANA program. But we are an extremely small church and have VERY few workers. I have to admit that it frustrates me when we have people traveling an hour plus to attend services on sunday when they could very well attend our church. They utilize our services, AWANA, VBS, our senior citizen program, the Christian school based out of our church, and our Jr and Sr high youth groups, yet they won't attend our church. It sometimes feels like a slap in the face. We are good enough for people to use our services, but they aren't willing to attend our church, become a member, or give their tithe to help us continue our programs. Our church has been in the red for about three to four years because giving has been down. Yet, we continue to offer our services to those around us.
Am I the only one who has experienced this or feels this way?
I do too–as I come from (years of) having to recruit and motivate people to 'do the work of the ministry.' A lot of times people are too busy to volunteer b/c they're off consuming churchy products elsewhere.
But before I ramble any further — just wanted to say the post was funny, spot on, and book worthy.
It also raises bigger questions about how we all 'do church.' (which is what you are a master of, Jon)
For instance, why–as churches–do we spend so much time and energy on ourselves? Are these programs truly transforming the neighborhood? Or are they keeping Christians from engaging in a real way with the needs and people around them?
By having all these church-centric programs, we're going right along with the consumer culture and letting people pick and choose what they like.
I say…the church is not a mall. It's a movement.
I missed the thread- I just posted a comment that echos yours. We would love to have those children, but would really appreciate it if those parents would come to our church or at least support the programs by volunteering etc.
my favorite about this (as a youth pastor) is the flipside of it…
when people are "stealing" church from our church, as in part of our youth ministries and Sunday School and camp and whatever else but then I hear them tell someone else they don't go here, they attend another church (even though they haven't been there for a year or so)
it doesn't really phase me because we don't want to take them from another church anyway but it definitely makes me giggle
I'm grateful to be part of a church whose purpose is ministry to the immediate neighborhood, part of the inner city. It would be unnatural, even on a Sunday morning, to have children's activities with more 'church' kids than 'neighborhood' kids. We hope to get the parents involved through the kids, and often it works, but maybe we should have more fish fries.
Let's see: At one point I attended a ladie's Bible study and the college and career group and babysat at a church I didn't attend. However, they were all well-aware that I didn't go there. Though I know you jest, I'd hate to think that any church would truly be upset about "outsiders" attending their events. I mean, maybe a church member's meeting, but Awana? Unfortunately, there are probably some out there that would basically kick you out. Ah well…that's us Christians for you!
I definitely have "stolen" a ministry from another church. When I first got to Arizona, I didn't know anyone outside of my church, and I didn't know what to do. I literally spent time eating a pizza and drinking a beer at a bar, watching football and hoping to strike up one of those conversations that turns into an awesome friendship. It didn't happen.
So when I heard about a mid-week young adults ministry at a church a few miles away, I was all over it. Funny thing was, some of the friends I had made at my church were there as well, and that's how I ended up closer to them. But see, I had a chance to talk to the leaders of this ministry, and I told them straight out "I'm here to get refreshed in a place where I have no responsibility. You can come do the same at my church if you'd like". They were cool with it, I think because they didn't expect it.
That is my key defense… the unexpected!
One summer when my kids were little they went to Vacation Bible School at at least 3 different churches!
Man, that is just wrong. How can people just go and consume services of the church like that and not actually join? I mean, I'll occasionally clean the alters out of church grade kleenex or pack a few industrial size rolls of toilet tissue- that dissolves in your hand before you even attempt to use it -in my purse or diaper bag (I have no kids.) but I'm a member of my church. I'm entitled, so it's not the same. I would never dream of attending a class that meets my specific spiritual or practical need unless i was part of my own church. At someone elses church I would never feel comfortable packing away the dry erase markers and communion cups after the class was over. You know, I want to feel like I'm really at home. When I sing or lead worship as a guest at another church, I just feel like I'm taking advantage if I put all the microphone cables/ cordless microphones and the pastor's water glass in the extra suitcase I brought with me and take them home. Who are you people?
I had a hard time figuring out the "Continue Reading" link. Just sayin.
I usually read on google reader and came to leave a comment saying "what happened to numbering the posts? how can I ever keep track of how many things I like if you stop numbering?" But then I saw #630 up there, and I can go back to work now.
Phew, Tim DuMont helped me out here. Know how some people have the pet peeve of “irregardless?” While that ranks #1 in my book, #2 is petty.
AWANA isn’t plural. It is AWANA. Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed (well, workmen is plural. digressing).
No churches have AWANAS programs. Many have AWANA Programs. They’re fun, they’re great for kids, some even come complete with dinner for the adults (boo-not ours). But none have AWANAS.
Why does that bother me so? Not sure but I feel better now that I’ve shared.
AWANA. No S. Oooh, t-shirt idea: There is no S in AWANA. (sin? satan? No, just S).
What did I do?
fun post, fun replies, serious thought: you can't 'steal' from a church if you belong to a church. Because, when you belong to one church, you in essence belong to all churches; because all churches, including your own, are collectively the Body/Bride of Christ. (Which is not to be confused with the Bride of Frankenstein, although the mistake is easy to make in some cases.) A church that would look down on you for partaking of one or more of their ministries that your own church doesn't/can't offer, is a church that does not fully understand itself as part of the Body/Bride of Christ. So, no worries.
Of course, leaving a few bucks in the offering basket on the way out the door always helps to ID you as part of the Body.
Yes I've gone to another church for an activity mine didn't offer.
The activity happened to be AWANA also.
It was kind of a weird experience too because I didn't want to just be a taker, so, since I had 3 sons I was putting into their program, I went to the people who were leading and said I'd like to help out. But, because I wasn't a member of their church, they said I couldn't, it was against their church rules or something. I explained that I didn't have to lead or teach or anything like that; I could just be a helper with the kids, help the younger ones do their crafts or something. But they insisted that, since I wasn't one of them, my kids could of course come but not me. It was as if they doubted my salvation or something. Now I would have understood if they'd told me that I needed a background check to volunteer; that would have been wise and I would have obtained one (of course no church wants pedophiles or something to work with the kids). It was also interesting because this was a very small church down the road from where we lived and that church had been small, and still is, forever. Although I still think AWANA is an awesome program so I was grateful that my sons had that opportunity there, they were definitely not seeker, or even visitor friendly to say the least.
Jon, you are what we call a church whore. It's okay. I'm one too. I visit multiple churches in a week.
BTW… I go to a church with about 30 members, and about 20 regular non-member attendees. When we get a visitor EVERYONE knows who it is, and EVERYONE knows when they don't come back.
Yeah, but it seems like you guys are psyching yourselves out. You're craving new members so bad, but the purpose of the church is to feed people. If you're not being fed at your church, perhaps it's a good idea for you to start "stealing" from another church. I understand very well the feeling of "working on Sunday" because I was on church staff and was literally on-call during Sunday, but you can't let disappointment creep into your church life.
The fact of the matter is that everyone has their own flavor of church, and yours just might not be theirs. Take my wife and my preference of Capri Sun: I generally think that they all taste the same, and she doesn't want anything to do with Strawberry Kiwi. Every now and then, she'll drink one of mine, but she still claims to not want them. It's frustrating, but it just makes me think that she secretly likes Strawberry Kiwi a bit, and sometimes it's exactly what she needed at the moment.
That's just like church. Sometimes, your usual church isn't what a person needs at the moment and only another, different church will do the trick. You shouldn't feel let down or frustrated. Your church could have been the perfect thing for that person at that moment.
Besides, your church is only a faucet for God to flow out of. He moves in weird, wild ways. Who's to say that He didn't move in that person at your church? Sounds like your church needs to let go of the situation and let God take control. But, that's easy for me to say being on the outside. So, I don't really know what you're going through. I just know that if you let things like this get you down, then your church's faucet is going to have some blockage. And that's no good.
Dude. It's AWANA, not Awanas. There is no 's'. Do you go to Sunday Schools?…oh wait, you probably do.
Ohh my, well if I had my druthers, I would be going to four churches a week. Mine, my friends' AWANA to help out, my other friends' youth group, and my AWANA to participate. *sigh* but my mom would rather I go to my home church's youth group on Thursdays soo…. yeah, I can only go to three/week. They're all glad to see me, and I'm not /exactly/ stealing from the first AWANA since I'm only there to help. Anyway, that's my church life
.
Hey John! It's AWANA…not Awanas. AWANA stands for Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed – "S" has no place in this timeless acronym of evangelical culture. (Do you shop at Krogers, too? Walmarts? Sorry, I couldn't resist)
I like what one commenter, Sarah's mom, said, "You don't steal. You glean." LOL.
I don't know how you can get in our heads, Jon. Scary.
Hubby and I had a great laugh last night reading this post. After we were exhausted from a day of working and putting in a second shift with the kids.
Classic. Thank you.
[...] Like, someone takes something the wrong way. Well, the other day, Jon Acuff posted about Stealing from a Church. A much racier title than the article, but it did bring up some interesting discussion points [...]
I volunteer at AWANA in my church. We encourage kids to bring their friends and LOVE having the "unchurched" neighborhood kids come in.
The frusteration is that we are a relatively small church who depends heavily on volunteers to run programs for the neighborhood (Upwards, AWANA, food distributions). We get a lot of kids coming from the mega churches around the cities. What that means is that our small church volunteers are being somewhat overtaxed to teach Christian kids from other churches. It is a strain on volunteers and financially for the church.
Our church welcomes parents from the other churches to help out (if they pass the appropriate checks) but most of them decline saying, "I am too busy at my own church".
But I have a suggestion for you: If you are going to send your kids to another church for a program, offer to be especially supportive financially, or better yet- offer to help out in the nursery during AWANA one night a month, or to be a leader.
That way the kids from Christian families can grow and the unchurched kids will have even more leaders to tell them about Jesus.
Yay! Thank you! You understand me! I love to have unchurched kids come visit. But when we get those mega-church families bringing their kids without offering anything up it is just frustrating!
definitely have. and now we go there!
I find myself in just the opposite scenario. I attend one church (not yet formally a member, but I noticed they made me a pledge card! lol!). Priests found out I play the piano–now when I show up for that Wednesday service, it's more'n'likely I'll be accompanying a hymn. But lately I've been playing at the Saturday night there too–I think it's weird that such a large church apparently doesn't have more musicians. Church #2 was one I attended for ten years, until, well, long story, suffice to say I’ll never again be foolish enough to let a church actually employ me. But they have a free after-school tutoring program for kids, and my Mom's involved in that, and I really, REALLY like math, and they needed tutors, and….yeah, so I show up there for a couple hours a week for my students.
Church #3 is where I fill in for my friend doing music on Sundays when he is out of town, like he is all this month. Church #3 is Catholic, and I am not. At the end of this morning's service, we were treated to a little talk by the priest, complete with PowerPoint presentation, about why Protestants should not receive communion. Yeah, he knows I'm not Catholic. Yeah, he's yet to refuse me communion. Heh. Will be an interesting next few weeks. I am finding ample oppotunity to cultivate self-control and humility. I'm pretty sure snark isn't a fruit of the spirit, but I've got a bumper crop.
So… Most of the commenters should look up Jon's post on Raising Dorks.
Great Post! As an ex-church employee… there is much truth to what has been said. Have your fake ID to go along with your cover story. A fake business card would take you to professional level.
Whoever asked about Orpha, wouldn't that have been a reference to the book of Ruth?
My parents took me to an AWANA or Awanas (or whatever the heck I WANNA call it!) at another church when I was a kid…. and my dad was even a pastor at another church! But I hated it… I hated the rug burns I got from the uber-competitive baptist kid's games… I hated the "programming," the vests, the never feeling like I was good enough because I didn't have all the right badges on my chest… when I came back from college and a couple years in the "real world" and found my home church hosting Awanas (and yes, I'm typing that just to tick off you type-A AwanaS commanders, or whoever you are!!!
) I was appalled.
I'm a Bible-college graduate, ordained missionary, church planting woman who didn't get my foundation from AWANASSSS, thank the good Lord!
(But ya know, if you're into that kinda thing, more power to ya…
)
I started attending a different church's bible study about a year ago because my home church doesn't have anything like that for my age and I don't think I've ever felt like I've been stealing from them. On the other hand, I think my lack of honesty with my home church about what I'm really doing monday nights is the issue. That maybe because I've always thought that going to another church is almost like cheating in a committed relationship.
I love it! We too go to AWANA at a different church, and I always fee just a little guilty that I don't go there. Or that my church offers something on the same night, but it's not as cool.
We have kids come to our Church's VBS from other local churches and it's never a problem, our church also has a cub scout/boy scout group but most of the kids don't attend our church either. You're going there for your kids, you're purchasing a meal that benefits the church or Awana program istself at the church while your children attend, so unless you're flat out telling someone that you attend when you don't….you're not doing anything you need to feel bad about. But if you do feel guilty, at least try to know the "chain of command" of the church you're stopping in at so to speak so that when you do bump in to someone in the upper ranks you know not to ask if they "attend" that church