Whoa, full house today. Should have gotten to church earlier. I didn’t realize it was going to be so packed. And we would have been here on time if our kids weren’t employing the “Mydo” approach to all articles of clothing and demanding that I don’t help them get ready. Shirt? Mydo! And the head goes through the arm hole. Pants? Mydo! And both legs somehow get crammed into the same side of the pants. Shoes? Mydo! And they go on the wrong feet with the pinky toe poking outside of the boundary of the sandals.
But we’re here now at church and that’s all that matters. Hey, there are some seats in the middle of this row, I’ll just get the guy on the end to scoot in. I’ll just stand here next to him until he looks up and then I’ll ask him to scoot. I’m standing 6 inches away from him, he’s going to look up any second now.
I know you can see me guy. I’m not in your periphery vision right now, I am your periphery vision. I’m that close. Stop pretending I’m not here. I can’t believe this guy, he’s acting like I’m trying to cut in front of him in traffic and he’s giving me the blank stare ahead.
Maybe he won’t scoot, maybe he’s anti-scoot. I accept that, I do. He got here early, he staked out an aisle seat, he’s probably going to sprint out of here to some sort of buffet that has multiple forms of fried chicken. I can respect that. I can, but if you hate scooting, at least pay me the Christian courtesy of rotating your legs fifteen degrees so that I can walk by you to my seat.
Maybe the problem is that this guy doesn’t read Stuff Christians Like. Maybe that’s the real issue here, because if you did, kind sir, you would know the three rules of sitting at the end of the aisle …
1. Don’t act surprised.
Don’t sit on the end of an aisle, 30 minutes before church starts and act shocked and frustrated when you have to let people slide by you. That’s the cost of sitting on the end of the aisle. It’s like Uncle Ben said in Spider Man, “With great power comes, great responsibility.” How do you think I feel? Like Brad Pitt pondered in Fight Club, I have to decide whether to awkwardly slide by with my butt out or my lap region out. That’s a lose-lose for both of us.
2. Don’t construct a pew obstacle course.
OK, you brought a coffee with you to church? I’m cool with that, but don’t put it right in the aisle. Don’t put your keys down by your feet and a pen your grandfather carved out of hickory from the tree that killed your dog “Shep” and your Bible and pocket mints and a whole host of other things I’ll have to navigate my way through. I can do it, I can juke with the best of them. I’m like the Barry Sanders of pew nimbleness, but I’d rather not show boat in the sanctuary.
3. Don’t plot a revenge.
You’re grumpy that I awkwardly scooted by you. I get that, but don’t try to get back at me by bottlenecking the entire row when the service is over. Oh, didn’t think I was familiar with that move? I am. I am. Once they pray and release us at the end of the service you sit in quiet contemplation or slowly gather your things, while the rest of the row waits trapped for you to move so we can all go home. Don’t make all of these innocent row participants suffer just because you and I are locked in a mortal combat for pew domination.
Those are the three rules, but you know what trumps them all? The “wife elbow.” And it looks like you just got one in the ribs. That elbow has about three paragraphs of words and admonition wrapped into it. That is a powerful elbow. And now you’re letting me go by.
See you next Sunday. I’m not saying I’ll sleep in my car in the parking lot just to beat you to church so that I can sit on the end of the aisle, but I’m not saying I won’t either.
Has this ever happened to you?
Comments
This is not just a church problem. It happens all the time in college lecture theaters too
The worst is at sporting events
Guess it's because I'm a woman, but if they don't move or turn, I touch them on the shoulder. And if there's stuff of theirs on the floor, I scoot my foot, then stop and wait for them to move it. Hard to ignore when I'm standing halfway across them and if it's at church, they know I'm a klutz and could end up on their lap. Oh, and I'm definitely turned away from them.
I have to say though, this is why even at major conferences I try to get that aisle seat. There I tend to go find my aisle seat and set my backpack in the seat then I will move away — go get coffee, visit the restroom, etc. But then, I read SCL and I'm practically perfect in every way. :p
"Let's all stand, exchange germs with those around you and move forward while we sing that chorus one time!"
I absolutely hate it …. especially during flu/cold season. It actually annoys me.
I definitely don't scoot, as I NEED that aisle seat (okay, not really) but I will usually stand up and let people go by, mainly because I have long legs and, no matter how much I angle, I'm bound to get whacked. I used to think this was just a consequence of my anatomy. But after reading this post, I'm thinking these happenings were more rage-induced than accidental.
Wow, yeah the aisle blocker is worse than the prayer blocker. At least the prayer blocker might have your best interest in mind. The aisle blocker is looking out for numero uno. There is really only one way to deal with this person, sarcasm.
If you are in a large church and don't know him pretend you think he is a visitor. Go all out short of the lunch invitation. This is an easy maneuver and makes you look like some kind of welcoming member of the church. Just avoid the lunch invitation, you don't need the seats that bad.
If you are in a smallish church and know everyone/everyone knows you that's cool. Pull the "hey we haven't talked in ages" card and try to feign interest in whatever he starts blathering on about.
The important part is the awkward sidehug (or man hug) moment. You don't really want to, you aren't a hugger but it costs less than a meal out. Stand in the aisle just out of hug range so he will have to come to you when you turn sideways and put you arm out with the little wave (aka the universal sign for come on big guy, you're alright so I'm gonna give you one of my world famous side hugs). If you've been loud enough in your greeting everyone will be looking so he'll have no choice but to step out and give you the side hug. Alternately you can do the handshake to man hug transition but taking a judo stance reaching your hand out and pulling him into the shoulder to should three pats and your out man hug.
Either approach needs to be accompanied by a little turn as your family slides in and you quickly follow, oh hey you are in your seats. Great job and you looked like the hero of the day doing it.
This is a great post. Up there with Finger Dancing.
I confess I sometimes have a few too many things out..my husband says going anywhere with me is like traveling with King Tut…I need all my stuff around me. I do try really hard to push it all under the row in front of me and I have no problem moving to the center if I'm there early. Besides sitting in the middle gives you two exit options…you know just in case there is an annoying bottleneck at one end.
Sigh this has definitely happened to me, and it's just plain awkward to have to climb over people. On the other hand, there have been times when I NEED the aisle seat- like when I'm helping in Sunday School and need to leave after the worship music, or when it's my homegroup's turn to serve lunch at the homeless cafe and we leave in the middle of the sermon. If only there was such competition for the middle of the pews.
And one technique for getting around pew blockers- hop over the back of the pew to the row behind and escape that way!
I'll tell you a secret. I'm that guy on the end. I mean that gal on the end. I am claustrophobic. I need that space on the end. I will get up, smile, and stand in the aisle so people can go sit down without putting their butt or crotch in my face. Less awkward for both of us.
Here I thought it was because you like to dance in church. You do in the produce aisle so why not church?
I did that all the time when I was younger. Mom threw a fit every time- but hey I was a nerd and just wanted to get to Library first!
I count my blessings every Sunday that I don't have to deal with that, since I'm on stage with my cello for service. If I do have to sit in the congregation, my future mother-in-law is a seat-saving veteran of 60 or so years. Always helps to have a pro on your side.
He's not sittng there for no reason. He tithed last week. He owns that seat. Don't you know that's how it works?
Its called a PSL, personal seat license.
They higher the tithe the better the seat.
lol – nice.
I'm with Elizabeth… but seeing as she is a girl my problem is probably more extreme (I only say this because I've only ever seen a girl who was 6'5" or taller like me, twice in my life). At 6'5" no matter how much i twist my legs my knees are still touching the pew in front of me. I am an end hog though, so I just get up and out of the row to let people in. Otherwise, there is just NO way.
Yeah, I'm definitely not 6'5". You win.
You’ll never have this issue if you sit at the front of Church. You’ll be lonely but you won’t have this issue.
but you will have to deal with the pastor constantly looking at you for good non verbals and you will have to God forbid pay attention
he won't scoot. that is the one single only anointed seat in the whole church…
Hilarious post Jon. But really – I think, if it's a guy pretending not to see you standing there, then game on. I'm not saying to knee him in the shins and kick his keys a few feet and heel stamp his toes on purpose, but who's to say? "Oh, sorry, pardon…" is kind of like the physical form of the smiley-face emoticon : ) .
Hey, I am all for the front row. But then, I have always been a front row person, even as a kid in school. In our debates about where to sit, some of my family members remind me that this is community experience and on the front row we can't see what everyone else is doing, we can't see the people and the people are the church.
Hmmm.
After reading your post, I must thank you for more input into our debate — maybe there are benefits to NOT seeing what everyone else is doing.
BTW, I'm bad with my coffee cups. I don't mean to be. It just happens, you know?
Hilarious as always. However, I think you should change it to "peripheral vision" or merely "periphery." Although I think "periphery vision" sounds cool. Haha. I don't know how you continue to write this and manage to get even more funny. It's definitely a gift.
Ahh, those peps on the end that won't scoot. At my church I get it's be cause:
1) we are in "theater seats" – so there is not ability to scootchy-schoot (scootchy-God-scooty) LOL
2) they are the ones that RACE for the doughnuts at the end of service (because they want the rare and coveted sprinkles and not mass of glazed)
3) they are the ones that came in with an Extra-Megasize-Coffee and half to get up to "relieve themselves" during the service (rude – but if you need something more that an inspiring message to keep you awake, I get the caffeine overload).
I"m amazed at the number of people who can't go an hour without a bathroom break in church but don't have a problem during the rest of their lives. Some of the same people that make a bathroom stop between point 2 and 3 every week are able to sit through a 2 hour movie with a bucket of soda. Weird.
If my bladder is consistently sensitive, do I get a free aisle seat pass? Seriously, I have to weigh the pros and cons when I go to the movies because I have to make sure that if I have a soda, I have nothing else to drink during the day so that I don't have to go to the bathroom during an important part of the movie. I have to coordinate my bathroom times so that I go twice before the movie starts. I have to make sure that I'm not afraid of the people who are nearer to the aisle than me.
It's a trial. You have no idea.
I’m like the Barry Sanders of pew nimbleness, but I’d rather not show boat in the sanctuary.
Best. Line. Ever.
I literally snorted in my cubicle at work. I'm sure I interrupted my fellow cube farm buddies and made them jump with my unexplained literal LOL. Now, I'm sure, they will be contemplating what it was that was so funny, and then be discouraged that they're not in on the joke. Maybe I should send around a memo…
Funny! And unfortunately, true too often. Long legs, needing to sprint to the bathroom… those reasons have been mentioned for sitting on the edges (and probably back rows), but what other reasons do people feel the "need" to be the person on the edge? I'm a front of the church kind of person, but that probably comes from manditory seating for a former PK.
personally I've always been a fan of the armrest. I'm also the youth director (and I practically serve the capacity of an associate pastor in our tiny church) so I'm always getting up and running around during the service, so it makes sense for me to sit on the end. Regardless, I proabably would sit there anyway, because I like the armrest, but I always get up to let people sit next to me (usually our late arriving youth group).
I just love the people that sit at the end of a pew and then claim the entire row as "saved." When someone tells me they're saving the entire row, I slide my way by them and take a seat and thank them for saving it for me.
We just talked about this yesterday in a staff meeting about how we need to start asking people to scoot in. I envision mutinty…
I don't have periphial vision. Sometimes, you gotta let me know you are there.
I actually seek out these awkward times because they are too good to not enjoy.
Favorite line: "and a pen your grandfather carved out of hickory from the tree that killed your dog “Shep”
That was pure gold right there.
I also like to be that guy that makes it uncomfortable to pass. The things that we do to entertain ourselves at church.
I'm the Adrian Peterson of pew nimbleness.
For those who are not familiar with Mr Peterson's style:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQDxxbNJ2Js
Great reference bringing in an object lesson to pew nimbleness.
Poor Shep. He was a good boy.
*sniffle* Yes, he was. He will be sorely missed. Get that hickory pen out of my sight.
Aisle blockers are a certain kind of mean. Lane blockers on the highway I can sort of understand. Everyone thinks that where they are going is more important than you so they refuse to let you in. But at the end of the day, no one wants their insurance to go up. But the aisle blocker has nowhere else to go. You're already at church. Does the word of God come through a little clearer on the aisle seat? Does that whole thing about Christ's love just fly out the window when it comes to having the seat you want?
i'm a middle of the row kinda gal – it doesn't bother me to scoot one bit.
Ditto that – I'm a middle row person! The bonus is I never have to move for anymore and I don't get any unwanted booty in my face as others pass by.
I had never processed the literary power of the spousal elbow. It's pretty much canonical, though, now that you mention it.
You know, I am going to have to side with the woman who said she politely touches their shoulder. So just as much as the "wife elbow" works on him at the end of service, your wife can be like Wolverine's love interest "kayla silverfox" since wives do tend to have the power of persuasion. But, as an unmarried and childless woman with a 5 foot stature, I'll just chill in the front row where I can see and let ya'll duke it out for the aisle seats
Sigh. I am inevitably late to church EVERY SUNDAY. I can get up an hour early on Sunday mornings and still be late. So I am a ninja at bypassing Mr. No-Scoot.
One of my favorite moves is to target the one in the last row. I come up behind the row with my giant infant carseat and pretend it's much heavier than it is. I put on my martyred "I have my hands full with this sleeping baby and I'm all alone trying to find a seat because, see that's my husband up there in the worship band, yeah, he's the one in the H&M shirt and subtle faux hawk, and I got two kids ready all by myself this morning because he's playing in both services and now I'm late and you're BLOCKING THE ROW!" face. I make a BIG DEAL out of lifting the car seat over the back of the chairs into the FIVE empty seats in the middle of the row that are blockaded on both ends by McNonScootyPants and their families.
And there's a baby all by himself just laying there in the carseat, and the Mr. NonScoot realizes that if he doesn't get up and let me in to the row, in about 5 minutes, he's going to have a crying baby on his hands, and the usher corps will be all over him.
You'd be amazed at how fast he begins to scoot once he's sized up the situation.
well played, mom. well played, indeed.
we sit on the aisle…but I always rotate, and the big guy usually gets up and stands in the aisle to let the latecomers pass comfortably.
We take an end seat at potlucks and all church meetings.
And at the movies.
We would call "shotgun" from the parking lot if we could.
We don't scoot.
But we always graciously accommodate those who are less fortunate and have to sit in the middle.
I can do one better…I was home at my parents church last weekend, and all the siblings and grandkids were there too…my mom saved a whole row for us and some lady (whom we have known for 20+ years) said, "That is MY pew!" and moved my mom's stuff out of the way. Our family did not get to sit together. Boo.
I am an aisle-hogging, seat-saving girl! My church has chairs lined up in rows. When I was obese, I wanted to sit on the end because I did not want to have my excess weight interfere with anybody’s personal space. Secondly, as a sexual abuse survivor, I usually try to maintain a decent amount of personal space between me and people, especially men. So my methods are not meant to be rude. It is my coping mechanism as God heals me from past hurts in my life.
Awesome. This always happens at baseball games to me – and the seats/rows are small enough as it is. I'm like, how hard is it to stand up and step to the side? I'm not one of those people that gets up a thousand times during the game…and there you have to deal with beer cups and soda cups and peanuts and nachos…I'm ok with dealing with the church situation more than the baseball one!
I play the piano at our church so I get a good view of the congregation. One of the funniest pew situations I saw was when a huge family came in at the end of service while tithes and offerings were being picked up. Everyone was standing up and singing and the father asked a couple at the end of a pew if they could get in. They slid out and the family filed in taking up the entire row. Someone form the family then proceeded to hand the woman who was originally at the end of the pew her bag and Bible and the couple had to sit in the pew behind them. I could tell the couple was holding back a laugh.
One of my four rules for happily attending a mega-church is never sit on the end of the row. I think there's a story in the bible where Jesus talks about seating and being forced to move. Plus sitting the aisle is like sitting on a four lane highway. The other three are always sit in the same section so you get to know those around you. Always introduce yourself to staff unless you're 100% sure they know who you are – no matter how many times you've introduced your self before. And always sit at the back of a section and sing really load so people feel free to sing loudly in front of you.
I don't mean to complain about our comfy churches, but why are the pews closer than airplane seats?? It's embarrasing to be in a pencil skirt and have to 'straddle' my father in law at church just to go pee!
If you know there's a good chance you'll have to do this, maybe a good solution that doesn't require an expensive renovation would be rethinking wearing pencil skirts to church. I'm just saying, why wear a type of clothing if you know it could get you into a compromising/embarrassing situation?
I was at Beth Moore Bible Study the other night (not like, a group of ladies doing a Beth Moore Bible Study. Beth is a member of my church so she actually teaches the Bible study. In person). Since it's Beth Moore, it's a packed. house. Seriously overflowing, we fill our Worship Center and then have a live video feed in our Chapel, Fellowship Hall, and some ladies just sit in the lobby and watch on the screens out there. Needless to say, scooting in to middle of the row is absolutely mandatory. And last week, there was one woman that sat in the row across the aisle from me, and sat at the very end with a huge empty space that could easily fit 10+ people. And I was so distracted by it!! I couldn't stop looking at her and telling her to just scoot in in my head! As people would come and she would look up at them surprised, but still wouldn't scoot over! Just did the leg turn. I had to consciously force myself to stop focusing on her and my irritation with her and focus on Beth! It was hard.
Nice SCL adaptation of the fight club quote.
I think we're too pre-occupied with politness in our culture to take care of the task at hand sometimes.
Quick resolution #1: Sit in their lap and say, "Looks like this is the only option available." (Of course this works a bit better for me than most considering I'm above average in size.)
Quick resolution #2: Start yelling, "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO MOVE!" while repeatedly shoving on their shoulder.
*ROTFL* – someday I might try #2!
j :: dope session today at cultivate and yes…. totally understand the disdain for compliments. on another note, was actually suprised to see you do a spinoff of "Stuff White People Like" … Kudos for the success and I believe you have bigger and better ideas.
Your form of writing reminds me of a recent book called "Submarine" by Joe dunthorne. English read, dry as jerky… anyway. cheers to yah.
I prefer to jump over the chairs and high five the people around me.
it is my opinon that Aisle Campers should be first in line for judgement followed directly by Doorway Standers.
I love it! Made me laugh….
those end huggers are every ushers nightmare. It should be illegal to have pews without aisles on both sides. good post.
So, I am a Children's Minister, and therefore have an appreciation for "all things churchy." I printed off this post last week and read it to the secretaries. They all got a big kick out of it. Imagine my joy and surprise when one of the secretaries and I saw this in action yesterday morning in church. The gentleman trying to get in the pew danced, waved his hands, and did everything short of jumping up and down screaming to try to get the aisle-hoggers attention. It was to no avail. The aisle-hogger kept his eyes firmly planted on the song leader, and the gentleman and his wife who just wanted a seat were forced elsewhere.
Find a new church… A small one… Like 20 people small. We run about 30 people in an auditorium that will seat 120. EVERYONE gets an aisle seat.