Staring at someone in the choir during the sermon.
Nov 17th by JonThe church my dad started in Marlboro, Massachusetts did not feature a “Sit behind Pastor Choir” or SBPC if you will. (I don’t think his new church does either but if you are in the Chapel Hill area you should check it out and verify that.) Until I went to college at Samford University, in Birmingham, Alabama I’m not sure I even knew Sit Behind the Pastor Choirs existed.
The first time I saw one in a big church I kept waiting for the pastor to release them to go back to their seats with us civilians. The song was over. Job well done. Move it along. But they just stayed there, perched behind the pastor, frozen in place until the sermon concluded.
At first I tried to ignore them and focus on the message that was being preached or the announcements that were being delivered, but I had a hard time. I’ve never been officially diagnosed as ADD but I probably have at least a smidge of that. Maybe even a dollop. Plus, I was a mess in college and living way outside of God’s will for my life back then. So before long, I started to watch the members of the choir, as if I was tuning into channel WSBPC.
But with choirs that sometimes numbered over 100 it was hard to focus on the whole gang of people up there. So I tended to look for 5 primary types of choir members …
5 people to stare out in a Sit Behind Pastor Choir
1. Mustache Guy
In a big choir, there’s always at least one guy rocking a really serious looking mustache. In my head I usually imagine that he and that mustache are going on adventures. They’re solving crimes and saving people and having all sorts of mustachioed escapades. Recently I saw a 6 foot 4 guy in a designer tank top and impossibly hip jeans with a well groomed handlebar mustache on a plane. I was hoping that I would be able to sit near him and find a way to casually say, “So, tell me about the mustache. Did you two apprehend any cat burglars during your time in Atlanta?”
2. Sleepy
I think sometimes people confuse the choir robe with Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak. They think that as soon as they put it on, they disappear completely from the vision of everyone in the audience. They don’t though, so when someone falls asleep in the middle of the choir we all get to enjoy that. Is that lady dreaming right now? Does the person next to her ever want to throw an elbow? Is she going to pretend that she was deep in prayer when she wakes up? So many questions.
3. The Soloist
My younger brothers have hopefully forgotten this, but sometimes just for kicks I used to pretend I was a member of the group “Boys II Men.” I would get right in their ear during church and go on these solo kind of musical runs, hitting highs and lows that weren’t in the song. I’d break it down slow and really hold the feeling of “Open the Eyes of Our Heart Lord” for as long as I could. Sometimes you can see that same thing happen in the choir. Somebody really wants to be leading special music, not relegated to the robe brigade. So during every song they over sing and treat it like a solo opportunity with 99 backup singers in the middle of the choir. If you’re lucky, this person will have changed their robe slightly to stand out. They’ll have a broach on or a pin or some other sort of accoutrement that makes them look slightly different than everyone else.
4. The Grumpy
At least one older gentleman in every choir has either been dragged to the choir by his wife or has been a member so long he’s kind of just retired from caring without actually bothering to quit the choir. Even from hundreds of feet away you can pick up on his grumpiness and extreme desire to be doing anything other than wearing a mauve robe with sage stripes on a Sunday morning. He will often transform into Sleepy but he doesn’t care if you see him. He hopes you see him.
5. The Stare Down
Be careful about who you look at in a choir because sometimes, someone will look back. Occasionally you’ll find yourself engaged in a bitter stare down with someone in the choir who essentially says, “I see you looking at me. Yeah, I got a robe on. What of it? You want to go? You want a staring contest right here? Right now? Step up punk! Let’s do this thing. I came here today to do two things: Sing some songs and stare people down and we’re almost out of songs!”
Those are the five people I used to stare at. I say “used to” because my church doesn’t have a choir and I’m trying this novel thing called “listening to the sermon.” I know, I know, it’s pretty revolutionary. I should write a book.
Have you ever found yourself staring at someone in the choir?
Were you ever in a choir and stared back?
Comments
In choir in college my friends and I would play the "let's make the grumpiest person in church smile" game and we would make it our goal to all find a different grumpy, sad, or dismal person in the congregation smile. We kind of rocked at that game. Come on, who wouldn't smile at 40 beautiful college women singing to Jesus?
Oh man, there is only one other person’s comments on the internet that has had me in tears before while reading their posts! You are so funny because it’s so true. The “Stare Down” sent me over the edge in hysterics. I’ve never had the “pleasure” of seeing a SBPC. I’m pretty sure I’ve been ruined for the experience. I’d be one of those people who can’t seem to gain her composure and laugh as quietly as possible, until I’m laughing to myself so hard that everyone is noticing and I’d have to leave because of the discomfort.
I used to be in the choir. I was never the sleepy dude, but I was occasion and unintentionally mind you, the stare down dude. I was always nervous about getting caught in a stare down. I felt that they would judge me and think that I wasn't listening to the sermon. So I tried to look away quickly only to look back moments later to see if they had looked away as well. They hadn't… it was nerve racking.
hilarious post!
The Grumbler is hard to ignore. Stay blessed…john
Ah, the SBPC, so much great material. I recall a "wardrobe malfunction" in the SBPC a number of years ago. The choir loft was sitauted behind a sort of half-wall. That's great, because that means choir members can hide purses, tissue packs, water bottles, etc. One lady who sat in the front row of the choir, however, needed to spend a bit more time thinking about what she was wearing (the choir didn't wear robes). She, unfortunately chose to wear a sleveless, strapless dress. No problem when the choir was standing, but when she sat down…oh my…she looked naked as a jaybird.
The fun thing about staring contests when you're in the choir is that you WILL win. Eventually, the person in the congregation will begin to feel guilty about staring during the sermon and will suddenly find the desire to look at his sermon notes or find a reference in his Bible. You don't have to feel guilty because you already heard the sermon at the early service. Muha.
I feel sorry for a friend of ours in the SBPC. My husband tends to be rather animated when he sings the hymns and he can easily get her laughing. I often bruise him by giving pinches on the arm to get him to control himself (he's generally not moved by the spirit- just amused by the lyrics) and then again during the sermon getting him to focus… sigh. It's a struggle but I love him anyway
I like to see how many choir members are actually smiling (or other happy expressions) while they sing and listen to the sermon/scripture readings/announcements. Unfortunately, sometimes it looks more like they are in excruciating pain rather than a joyous worship service. I mentioned this once to a friend who is in the choir – thanked her for being one of the happy faces. I think she told the choir, since I've been "catching" more and more smiles since then. Its a SBPC choir. They do get super still during the offering time. Its almost like someone hits pause.
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A remarkable thing I have noticed about the “Sit behind Pastor Choir” or SBPC is that the usually avoid the offering basket by singing the best song during giving time.
I've sung in many church choirs for pay. I was always the sleepy guy, and I totally ignored the congregation. I figured, if they wanted to stare at ME, then they were obviously about as interested in the minister's blathering as I was, so why should I try to stop them?