Meeting Jon Acuff.
Jan 8th by Jon- Tagged in:
- Guest Post,
- Jon Acuff
(I recently reconnected with my counselor. With the Stuff Christians Like book due out, I knew I’d be in danger of getting a seriously massive ego, even if it only sells 100 copies. So I’m scheduling some new sessions with him to make sure I stay grounded. If that sounds dorky, it’s because I am in fact dorky. But this whole book thing has been kind of wild and people have started to ask me weird questions. Like this one: “Do you get recognized at church a lot?” That was a question someone asked me at a conference once. I had to laugh because here are a few other people who also attend the church I go to: Jeff Foxworthy, NFL great Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, MLB pitcher John Smoltz, Andy Stanley, etc. Needless to say, I don’t get recognized at church. But at Catalyst I did get spotted by my friend Matt from the Church of No People. He’s hilarious and in an effort to make sure I never start to think I’m some sort of fantastical big headed blogger, he wrote today’s guest post. I love the absurdity of it and think you will too.)
There are only a few truly important moments in each person’s life. Wedding days, the birth of a child, and baptism all rank at the top of the list. However, there is one day that every Christian should look forward to:
…meeting Jon Acuff.
I should know, because I recently did so, and it was everything I could imagine. However, like weddings or your child’s birth, meeting Jon Acuff is an event that requires a lot of preparation and planning, much like meeting the President or David Caruso. I’m here to help you with that …
Meeting Jon Acuff: a How-To Guide
Most people don’t know the first thing about meeting Jon Acuff. First, you need to get your facts straight.
Jon Acuff Fact Check:
1.) Jon Acuff is a mammal. You already have something in common with him, I hope.
2.) Jon Acuff is difficult to track in the wild because he’s usually surrounded by people who enjoy self-depreciating humor. Jon Acuff has a natural habitat, a “house,” where he likes to sleep after a grueling day of blogging. If you want to observe him in his natural element, you should camouflage yourself in the trees near his house and observe him from a distance.
3.) Jon Acuff has an acute sense of danger. When approaching him, do not sneak up on him or make sudden movements, as this startles him. Although he says he cannot break dance, this is just a diversion tactic. Jon Acuff has been known to pop and lock his way out of threatening situations. Once Jon Acuff has break danced away from you, it’s very hard to regain his trust.
Attracting Jon Acuff’s Attention or Suspicion:
Jon Acuff has a short attention span because he is constantly surrounded by people. How you can attract his attention in a crowd? Bright colors and shiny objects attract Jon Acuff, so wear a colorful Hawaiian shirt, and maybe some body glitter. Have some glow sticks or laser lights at the ready to wave in front of his face if he still doesn’t seem to notice you.
Jon Acuff also has a keen sense of smell. Therefore, you should groom yourself, and wear lots of expensive, musky cologne. If thinking about Jon Acuff makes you hot and sweaty, you should mask your natural funk with several scented car fresheners. Jon Acuff should be able to smell you before he even sees you, but in a good way.
Jon Acuff is Real:
Jon Acuff is more than a fairy tale. He’s a fact. My mom used to tell me that monsters weren’t real. Then I got older and she said the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. On my wedding day she told me it was time for me to stop believing in Jon Acuff because a husband who still believed in that kid stuff would be annoying. But I never stopped secretly believing, even though I couldn’t see him. And if you don’t believe in him, your heart is too small.
Though I couldn’t explain it, I knew in my heart that Jon Acuff was real. Then I met him, and my life has never been the same.
Meeting Jon Acuff:
It’s a good idea to make a life-size poster of Jon Acuff at home to practice talking to and side-hugging. On the night you plan to meet him, you should calm yourself by doing some yoga or tai chi or at least eating some Chinese food.
When you are at peace, and ready to meet Jon Acuff, do exactly as I say. Don’t look him in the eyes as you approach. Jon Acuff will probably be wearing some SCL pins on his shirt. Kiss one of the pins to show respect. At this point, neither of you will have spoken, but the background music will get more tense and there will be a smoke machine to set the mood. If you meet his high standards, Jon Acuff will show his approval by offering you a gift, such as one of his pins or stickers. You should give him a gift of equal value, such as a wicker chair or a delicious Skittles fruit cake. Here’s my foolproof recipe:
Ingredients: 1 fruitcake, 1 bag of Skittles
Purchase and unwrap fruitcake. Poke holes in fruitcake with index finger. Liberally fill fruitcake holes with Skittles. Rewrap. Present fruitcake to someone you love, with a card or drawing of the two of you holding hands.
When you present your gift to Jon Acuff, make sure you don’t grip it with your hand. Hold your hand out flat so your fingers don’t get hurt when he takes it.
Defending Jon Acuff’s Honor:
Sometimes, Jon Acuff doesn’t sense danger because his arch-nemesis has blocked his cat-like senses. So there could be a pirate or gorilla ready to sneak up on him when he least suspects it. You should be ready to protect Jon Acuff in this situation, and gain his approval at the same time. If you see a threat, leap from the tree or awning you’re sitting on, and pin the assailant to the ground with that wicker chair you were holding. Then, look at Jon Acuff and whisper, “Don’t worry, he won’t bother you anymore.” Then wink at him.
I am just one person. Many others have had amazing Jon Acuff experiences, and their stories need to be shared. In all our hearts, lives a little Jon Acuff. And by ‘little,’ I mean ‘small.’ What tips, stories, or useful Jon Acuff facts can you share?
(For more great stuff from Matt, make sure you check out his blog, The Church of No People.
Comments
Thank you for sharing this story on how you met Jon Acuff. I think it is his opennness and desire to bring hope that we all like so much about him.
So then I might as well not wear pants at all…
I'm just sorry I didn't get the opportunity to see you when you were in Chicago and kiss you buttons……
Don't forget the built-in unnecessary scarf.
I nominate this as the funniest comment of the day. Poor Matt.
I just love this stuff. Thanks for posting this.
Those tips are really unbelievable, and so valuable, that they're invaluable!
One tip that has helped me calm down when I start to think of Jon Acuff for a while, or the idea of meeting him one, in person one day, is to say a mantra to help me remember that the whole thing is real, and not just a dream that's too good to be true. My parents always used to say, "If it seems too good to be true, it isn't." This was drilled into my head, over and over through the use of screaming and pointing. Sometimes after a stint of beatings, or harsh chores.
Things like grace, the Easter bunny, Smarfs, fairies, Santa, Jesus, and, of course, Jon Acuff just HAD to be phony, they would say. Through the years I've ended up thinking this from time to time, with a certain part of my rational mind.
To counter act my loving, but misguided, upbringing, I try to say a Jon Acuff mantra, and I recommend it highly for those who may one day see Jon Acuff, up close.
It's simple, and three or four hundred recitations per hour start to turn things around in one's mind. I can attest to that! Most of my twitching has stopped as well.
I just repeat:
"Jon Acuff is real. Oh, yes he is. Jon Acuff is SO very REAL!" (then repeat)
Sometimes I hold a picture of him in a white t-shirt in my hand while I do this, or I but a pack of Skittles, if I'm not at home near my shrine.
Yes, of course, I have other tips on Jon, and plenty of other things I do to calm my nerves when I think of Jon Acuff's super awesomeness, but I find this is my crown jewel tip, I should first share.
That too. Poor Jon Acuff – tragedy just follows him like an annoying junior higher following his older sister into high school youth group.
I had an actual, literal Diet-Coke-through-the-nose moment when I read this "Once Jon Acuff has break danced away from you, it’s very hard to regain his trust."
Wow, every sentence is comedy gold! I am in awe, and confusion as I can't pick a favorite quote.
oh you know…the enemy. >_>
"Jon Acuff will probably be wearing some SCL pins on his shirt. Kiss one of the pins to show respect."
That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Thank you.
You'd be amazed at how many Tim Horton's(THE best coffee in the world!!! Boo Starbucks) workers do not know how to make a coffee with one cream. I mean, i don't get it. Cream – check! Coffee – check! How do they get double cream and three sugar or anything else that they might decide to add to an order of: Large Coffee with one cream.
Are you feeling nervous, Jon? I can see you now… sweating a little as a man approaches with a big "I read SCL" smile.
You're thinking: "I wonder if this guy read THAT post. He wouldn't really DO any of those things, would he? Right here, in front of other people? Oh… my… goodness… he's leaning in toward the button I'm wearing…"
Phenomenal! We can only hope to have this experience.
Yes, very much so. And a skinny tie option. Vest for cold days.
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wear shorts instead.
Amazingly wonderful funny stuff.
Here starts the Jon Acuff/Chuck Norris references
Apple pays Jon Acuff 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Jon Acuff can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Jon Acuff doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking
Funny stuff..and timely, too..as hubs and I have been talking about trying to get with you before you make the trek to the 'Ham…this information will help us prpeare most effectively
Oh my goodness, I laughed until I fell out of the chair. (Well, I laughed after that too, but the resulting bruise makes things slightly less funny). I am off to prepare a skittles fruitcake right this moment.
This is downright hilarious. But eerily accurate.
The first time I had the honor of meeting the esteemed Mr. Acuff [haven't earned the right to be on first-name basis yet] I had lacked the above preparations. This resulted in cold sweats, stammering and severe disorientation.
Thankfully, he was preparing for one of his most awesome talks & "The Final Countdown" was blasting through his headphones so he didn't seem to notice. He politely signed my jumbo bag of Skittles before I was quickly ushered out by someone holding a wicker chair.
It's a moment I will always treasure.
I. need. depends.
Possibly the funniest thing iIve seen for a while…. There should be more humans being studdied in wildlife documentaries
"Jon Acuff has been known to pop and lock his way out of threatening situations." This is the funniest thing, I am still laughing. Great guest post.
Hysterical, Matt! It made me spit all over my monitor several times.
Our church is currently developing an outreach ministry where we will ride downtown on unicorns, passing out skittles and gospel tracks that are supplemented with several SCL posts.
Some friends have decided to forego our Monday Night Football ritual in favor of Monday Night Jon Acuff. Currently I'm in the lead as I drafted some very strong SCL posts at the beginning of the season, however my best performing post is now sidelined on the DL due to grammatical error in content.
Okay, seriously?! Matt, you had me dying laughing on this.
I’ve only ever seen him on a video, but he’s smaller than you would think.
Well, I think I can safely say that either 1) there will NEVER be an SCL button or 2) Jon will have an unreasonable (or maybe not so unreasonable) fear of them.
There already is SCL buttons
If you ever come to St. Louis, let me know and I'll have the Skittle Fruitcake ready. This was hilarious!
I have yet to meet Jon Acuff. Sigh. But twice, he's DM'd me on Twitter. I wrote the dates and the tweets in my Bible under "Important Spiritual Markers". I will take these tips to heart and carry and wicker chair and skittles cake with me at all times.
Also, I'd like to meet Matt too since he's full of awesomeness. Any tips for meeting you Matt?
David Caruso . . . heehee
During the winter of '87, when I was trekking through the Carpathian mountains and stumbled on a small village. In my room in the village's small hostel I found a gap in the fabric of time and space. I dared to look in and saw visions of skittles, unicorns and an unnecessary scarf. I dedicated my life to the pursuit of what these things meant. One day last August, after many years of searching I typed what I saw into Google and hit 'I'm Feeling Lucky'. I had, at last, found your site.
ha ha ha ha
so glad I browsed back on your posts and see what I have missed out on.
classic.
but Jon, about those glow sticks – wouldn't a hand flare be better