Pretending you care about community.
Jan 28th by Jon- Tagged in:
- community
There are 9 houses on the cul-de-sac I live on in Alpharetta, Georgia. It’s a small little neighborhood and for the most part friendly. That is until a few months ago.
After a short trip to the grocery store, we pulled into our driveway at the top of the cul-de-sac. Two hundred feet away in the bottom of the cul-de-sac, at the part where the circle opens wide, was a neighborhood party. Several heads looked up from their barbecue grills and beers to see me mouth “Oh snap!” from the driver’s seat. I quickly pulled in and assessed the situation.
“Wow, that is embarrassing. I guess we didn’t get invited to that jamboree.” I said.
“It’s no big deal, just say hi when you go get the mail.” My wife replied.
“The mail? Are you crazy? I’m not going to the mailbox right now. They’ll see me. You need to get the mail.” I said. And so my wife did and I avoided adding awkward syrup to an already large awkward banana spilt sundae.
The more I reflected on that moment, my brother gave me a pipe for Christmas that I don’t smoke but it has increased my reflecting by 29%, the more I realized I liked the idea of community better than the reality.
I don’t blame my neighbors for not inviting us. We’re not great neighbors. We spend a lot of time with lots of folks outside of our neighborhood but rarely just kick it in the cul-de-sac. (Although one time we pushed our baby stroller down there and someone gave me a 40 of High Life, which was a weird thing to push around the neighborhood with a baby.) The biggest issue though, is that I am so unwilling to do the work that all great communities require.
And maybe you’re like me. Maybe you like the concept of being in a community one bajillionty times more than actually building one. Well friend, I’m here to help.
Here are three other ways to avoid being in a community.
1. Talk about community all the time.
This might seem counterintuitive, but I assure you it is true. The people that talk the most tend to be the people who act the least. And trust me, you don’t want to be a man or woman of action when it comes to building a community. The less you do, the better, so start talking. Say things like, “Neighborhood groups, life groups, teams of friends, these are the fabrics weaving the threads of our town into a tightly knit community of people bringing change into a resistant world.” To spice it up, add the words, “Postmodern, transparency and missional.” Quote my entire post on communities if you have to, and then don’t do anything. At all.
2. Never volunteer.
If you have a pickup truck, get rid of it right now. Seriously, ghost ride it off a cliff if you have to, but dump that volunteer mobile while you can. Everyone knows that when it comes to helping someone move, nothing beats a friend with a pickup truck. You don’t want to be that friend. And communities are built by people putting others first, so don’t take anyone to the airport either. Don’t babysit, don’t stack chairs after church, don’t offer your pool for a Sunday School cookout. If you have to, fill it in with concrete and knives.
3. Get a yard guy.
Avoiding the mailbox is amateur hour. Everyone knows that setting your alarm clock for 2AM so that you can get up and get your mail under the cloak of night is a great way to avoid unplanned interaction with neighbors. But mowing your yard or weeding flower beds leaves you pretty exposed too. Avoid those situations by hiring a yard guy. It’s worth the small investment. (I saw this pay off recently when the guy across the street from me, literally next door, said his dog died. I told him I was sorry to hear that. He said it had happened a year ago. I had no idea. A year!)
Those are my three favorite techniques but there are others. I would tell you, but then you might feel close to me, like maybe you and I are starting up a community of people who are bad at community and then as ironic as it’d be, I’d be in a community. I can’t help that. So by all means, good luck with your move, let’s have relevant postmodern fellowship soon and feel free to reach out to my yard guy. Tell him I slipped his check under the front door. Couldn’t risk opening it and talking to him either.
Am I the only one that stinks at community?
Is that a word you hear much?
Comments
We have been planning at "get together" with some friends for quite awhile now and it has YET to happen. I used to think that they just hated us. And they may still actually hate us, but I know that talking about it all the time usually means it won't happen.
Are you actually a Bible thumper who can't relate to ppl who view life and God differently than you? Were your neighbors more uncomfortable with you not drinking or how you made them feel about their decision to drink? It is so hard to demonstrate love for those that live differently than us, but Jesus did it without even revealing that he was the Christ for how long? We can ease into the discussion about our faith. I am just now learning this.
I have a great neighbor who is mentoring me in hospitality. She barges in – and I love it. 2 girls singlehandledly muscled a queen mattress up a flight of stairs while our collective 4 boys aged 5 and under watched. It was a bonding moment for sure. We can never go back. Our lives are inexplicably twined together now.
I'm right there with ya (but not in a "communal" sense). Ever since I have been on my own, every place I have ever moved I never knew any of the neighbors around me. I've lived in my current place for about 5 months and (outside of taking my son trick-or-treating) I have only actually "met" one neighbor and spoken to another once. So far as I'm aware, that doesn't seem like it's going to change any time soon.
Perhaps no man is an island, but I sure live like I'm on one!!
Another tactic is to blame your spouse, kids, other family. Something like:
"My wife and kids need to bond with me after I've been gone all day."
"My husband is just not very social."
"My mother in law is visiting–for 5 years."
"We want to protect the children from non-believers."
Funny and TRUE! I used to blame my lack of hospitality or community on husband's anti-social tendencies. It IS true that one time he hid with our daughters behind the couch when Christmas Carolers came by….
But, then I started to hide behind him.
Finally, this past Christmas. I decided to step over my lame excuses and reach out in our rural neighborhood. It took a few days to work myself up to it, because I was so out of practice!! But what a delight. My elderly neighbor was thankful for the visit, and now I check on her periodically. And another neighbor's husband was heading to Iraq for a year, so I have someone to pray for. And I learned their names. Neat.
Stink at community? I didn't think I did, I just thought everyone else did!
Sadly, this is so me. We just moved to a new neighborhood last August & I don't know much about any of my neighbors. The family next door doesn't speak English (except their kids, who I do talk to on occasion), so I use that as a cop-out. I met another stay at home mom, like myself, across the street in September, who has 2 kids the same ages as mine, & we talked about having a play date….. I haven't talked to her since
I really want to go across the street, knock on her door & say, "You know, I was serious about the play date thing." But I'm a little scared to do that. I absolutely hate the awkward, getting to know you phase of a friendship.
When our children were small we knew LOTS of folks in our neighborhood. As they grew up more and more of those neighbors moved out. We never really got to know most of the new people moving in. Now it seems our circle of neighbors we know has dwindled. We still know lots of folks that we see pretty regularly. It's just that almost none of them live in our neighborhood.
Oh, you hit the nail on the head with the "truck" thing. Seriously, I think owning and being willing to loan out a truck is a super thing. Our pastor has an old dumpy one and I've seen it used all over.
Heard this great quote from Matt Carter last week: "Aim at community, you rarely get mission. Aim at mission, you usually get mission AND community." I've never been a big fan of community for the sake of community. I generally try to gather people around a common mission and then community comes out of that.
I don't generally self-promote (annoy–yes, self-promote, no) — but if you click my name on this comment it will take you to my blog post "10 Ways to Break the Ice With Your Neighbors." I am a big fan of and have discovered the rewards of building community with the people who are right around me.
this is so very true and I am so very guilty! I am going to have to work on that. And mean it! Thank you!
Ha ha!! This is funny. (And Linda, when you were our neighbor you were a good one. But…I thought I heard a noise behind the couch when I popped in…now I know what that was!
We're actually pretty good neighbors, because we work in our apartment building. People pop over to see us all the time…when the sink's stopped up, or they've locked themselves out of their apartment, etc.
my cul-de-sac is funny. There used to be two other teachers, but now I'm the only one. There's about 30 little children on the street. It's scary. The other families like to set up lawn chairs and slip-n-slides and drink beers and watch the children play. We're the weird family that's got very little in common with the rest. Add in that I'm homeschooled and incredibly fair skinned and you've got the neighborhood hermit! I'm only seen getting into and out of a car at night. We've got all these adjoining cul-de-sacs.. for of them are next to eachother and a little park in the middle. Lots of houses overlook on the mini park. Lots of moms feel that they own the thing. I have feared them since the beginning of time. They watched me from their porches and called my parents if they thought I was swinging too high. THAT's why I'm the hermit. xD
"dump that volunteer mobile while you can". Hahaha! I can totally relate to this. I seem to be the only one in my group of friends who has a pick-up truck. When I came home from college I thought there would be a wild celebration since I had returned from the land of higher education. But was it? Oh no, I had to help like 12 people move their stuff in a span of three days. It was ridiculous. Ghost riding it off a cliff sounds like a good idea.
Community. I genuinely suck at it and I'ma pastor…. Its ashame because it seems to be Christendoms newest saviour as opposed to the cross of Jesus?
Two beautiful things about this post: 1, you sent your wife to get the mail. And 2, you drank a 40. I like to tell all my Emergent friends [both of them]: "Community's overrated!"
If you seek community and live on a Cul-de-sac, then you missed the memo from the all the New Urbanists. Street connections and walkability are the calling cards of those who seek community. Cul-de-sacs and privacy fences are what define the alone-together crowd.
What a great post! I get it. You're telling me to buy a pickup truck. Well it ain't happenin! But I have been known to spring for a UHaul to help a friend before.
Tired of the Lie:
Leaders of our church claim they want it….don’t have time for it…..then wonder why the church doesn’t reflect it……loving and relating is messy, but not messy like a bad diaper, messy like warm banana pudding. You’ve got to spend some time cleaning the goo….but cleaning will never feel so satisfying.
Move to the middle of 60 acres where your five crazy children and myriad of pets can run free. No community. No problem. Life is much better out here. I'm not the neighboring type…lol. But we do have one neighbor about 2 acres over..an older retired couple. We wave as they drive up the lane. We exchange fruit baskets at Christmas and let our dogs run the fields together. That's about as community as we get. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Seriously? Drive your truck off the edge of a cliff? Me and the entire city would do that if it meant it would get you out of helping. In fact, it is only if you have an especially nice looking or bad looking pickup truck.
We're not very good at it either – my husband and I use our shyness to our advantage!
But what I really dislike is FORCED community. One time our church made the congregation split up into small groups, go into the gym, and spill our guts to one another. Only, you were not allowed to sit with anyone you knew. Or at least knew well. I was praising God that I missed it because I was in a SS meeting, and my husband high-tailed it out of there as quickly as possible. He totally had the look of a deer caught in the headlights. I get the heart behind something like that – well, sort of. Not really! – but I don't like being forced to pretend I'm comfortable with things like that. How is it building community when you're just scaring everyone out of there?
Forced community sucks. I remember when our old church decided to appoint lay pastors for the congregation. My family was less than thrilled to learn that our lay pastor was a 17 year old daughter of one of the deacons. We were even less thrilled when she invited us over to her house to spill our guts with the other families she was responsible for. We were already on the fence about that church, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. We started church shopping the next weekend.
You could also keep your cell in a very accessible place so that you are ready to whip it out and act like your talking when the talkative neighbors walk out.
Or, you can walk directly into the backyard when you see your neighbors across the street are out in your yard. Or, pretend like your a jogger. Then you never have to stop jogging when your walking the dog or getting the mail. Just snatch it as you "jog" on by…
Teach your dog a code word for "run" so that he can jerk you forward as you walk him at all the appropriate times. A word, like, his name…maybe. Then you can just pretend like "He must really have to go! Sorry! Man…this dog's a maniac!"
Do I do all of these? Nah….but this post really got my creative juices flowing…
Nice. I think my cat can eat them, if she would ever take any initiative and get up.
Have outside-only dogs. THAT does the trick!
You guys are gonna be a boatload of fun in the next life.
Conversely, you might be really annoying
I'm enjoying living where I am now. I know the names of 4 of my neighbors (and the life story of the 17 yo son of another).
We moved to our previous home (on base where my husband works) because of the immediate next-door neighbour who totally walked all over any boundaries in place and was always in my home. It was disconcerting at times to walk into the kitchen as she walked into my back door for a 'chat'. She mentioned one day that she loves where she lives – I almost asked her why she didn't stay there! But I also know that I had to be Jesus to her (God told me), extending grace and friendship. I will admit to seeing her coming on the odd occasion and picking up my keys and meeting her at the door, telling her I was on my way out! I do still have contact through my workplace (she is a customer where I work), and she is slowly learning boundaries. I also know her life story.
I need to start smoking. My in-laws sit outside on their front porch smoking and use the opportunity to make small talk with everyone passing by. They seem to know everyone on their block. all thanks to tobacco…making community addictive and delicious.
Community in America seems almost impossible because of our extremely busy lives. Who has the energy to care about other people when life is all about money and work and survival?
The only place where I have experienced community is in Germany where my wife and I will be serving soon. Slower pace of life. I personally witnessed dinners that would last up to 4 hours. 4 hours of growing together through wasting time. Community is a slow process that requires a slow lifestyle. American lifestyle need not apply.
My community is full of families and little children and I'm the lone wolf. The young single female. I never get invited to watch the airshow or roast 'mallows over the firepit next-door. I wave from my car, say hello when I get the mail or take out the trash, I think I'm pretty friendly and approachable. Maybe that's the reason. I don't know. But I tend to make lots of casseroles and fruit salads and take them to my friends' houses, just to feel like I participated.
I grew up in a small village where I knew everyone on the street like an extended family, and most people in the village at least by face, if not name too… I've found city living much different. We only bump into the other people in our building in the lift about once a fortnight and it seems weird to just knock on their door and say hi…
It took a burst pipe two floors up which flooded a lot of the building to connect us – then we had two bleary-eyed neighbours in their pjs sitting at our kitchen island drinking coffee at a horribly early hour waiting for the water to drain, and were forced to talk!
Shopping locally has helped too – we know the hairdresser next door, the butcher round the corner, the girls who work in the night shop, the friendly French men in the fishmonger, the posh florist down the street…
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I am really good at doing community with the people we minister to in the inner-city . . . my next door neighbors? not so much.