Wondering if the guy next to you will share gum once you’ve seen it.
Jan 5th by JonGood seat, good seat. I’m feeling alright about my selection today. Few rows back from the front, good entry and exit points. People in front of me look to be of average height, unlike that freakishly tall family I’ve been sitting behind lately. It’s going to be a good Sunday.
Wait, what’s this? The guy next to me has a pack of gum out. I love gum. So many flavors, so many varieties. They’re doing so many fun things with the packaging and the presentation too. You can buy it in little hip cylinders or flip open packets like 5 and it lasts longer like Stride and it even whitens you’re teeth when you’re not looking. And don’t get me started on Orbit Mint Mojito. Unlike their pomegranate flavor which disintegrates the second you put it in your mouth, that Mojito is like a taste bud log flume ride.
We are truly living in the golden age of gum. When my parents were growing up they only had two flavor choices, “Spearmint” and “regular.” I don’t even know what that means.
Ohh, and he’s got the new trident layer gum. I’ve seen the commercials, that’s like a sandwich made out of rainbows. And he caught me looking at it, so at this point he’s probably going to offer me a piece.
If he hadn’t seen me, he might be worried that to offer me a piece unexpectedly would make it seem like he believed I had bad breath. Kind of like that time that lady next to me offered me a tissue in the middle of service because she thought I needed to blow my nose. That was like a middle finger of courtesy. In one stroke she said both, “here’s a helpful tissue” and “shut up.”
But he should share, right? This is church after all. Like the band Casting Crowns sang, if we are the body, why aren’t our hands sharing gum?
He’s thinking about it right now. I can see him weighing whether he should close the flap of that little box and put the gum back in his pocket. Maybe he’s waiting for the meet and greet time. Maybe when we’re supposed to say, “Good morning, good to see you,” he’ll slip it into my hand all secret like so that he doesn’t set off a gum chain reaction, being forced to give everyone in a two row radius gum until his box and possibly his hope, is empty. Maybe that’s his plan.
Or … he’s going to wait until the offering. That makes sense too. He could put a check in the basket as it goes by and then hand me a piece of gum, saying, “This tithe is for God, this “Cinnamon Tingle” is for you. I’m open for either approach really, gum now or gum later, just as long as he makes with the gum.
What would Jesus do? He’d multiply the gum and give everyone a piece. Clearly. I’m not asking for a miracle though, just a little cool mangoberry.
OK, he put it away. That’s alright. Maybe he’s not ready to rush into a gum relationship. I can respect that, but I hope he knows that I’ll be right here waiting for gum.
Comments
I will give you my five gum whilst meeting you with a fist-bump and a high five during meet- and- greet. You will enjoy your gum, as it cools your mouth and freshens your coffee-breath. I cannot smell coffee-breath, and I do not know someone up here in AK who does not have it.
He likely has some mild form of A.D.D.
My teacher used to say "You can't have any unless theres enough to go around".Wise words of wisdom. I think he was jealous.
What's the protocol for repackaged gum? You know those big tubs of gum? Well, I take a few pieces and put them in another container for my purse. Now, I am happy to share but do I denote the possibility of contamination from human intervention? Not that I make dirty hands a habit, but I'm just saying…
You are right. I actually gagged at the image myself. However, I enjoy mixing mayo and dijon mustanrd. It makes me feel eccentric in a Mr. Peterman in Burma kind of way.
I too wonder how you come up with this stuff day in and day out. But this one was spot on!
I am a compulsive gum chewer and a dedicated Orbit fan. Mint mojito, maui melon mint, and peppermint are flavorful and long-lasting. Stay away from the cinnamint and the sweet mint–they get old too quickly. And I can't even talk about the other brands without feeling angry at their numerous failures so I'll just move on.
I rarely get to sit in the seats during a service (probably once or twice a year, not exaggerating) but a couple of weeks ago I did, and had the ol' gum sharing relationship issue with the gal sitting next to me. Fortunately, we maneuvered through the logistics well enough to make it work. But the packet of gum had to sit on the seat between us until she was done with her coffee. So that was awkward.
Have you covered the issue of someone crinkling a peppermint candy during the service (or opening a metal mint container)? That's a good one. There's the fast-opener (loud but quick) and the slow-opener (crrrrrr…iiiinnnkkk…ullllll).
My mom was also one of those who gave us a half-stick of gum on the ride to church. Juicy Fruit, Doublemint, Wintermint–that brand. She still chews that gum today. *scoffs* But my association between gum and church is strong.
I haven't tried the trident layered gum. But anything with rainbows can't be bad.
Is it ture that if you swallow gum it stays in your body for 7 years? Was my mom lying?
This reminds me of the time I was sitting at the park eating a bag of Doritos. This little kid (4 or 5, maybe) was across from me on the bench and kept giving me, a perfect stranger mind you, that same look, Jon. When I looked him right in the eye and ate the next chip, he actually resorted to licking his lips – as if I’d feel compelled to hand’em over. This kid obviously didn’t know who he was trying to work over. I deliberately, very slowly, ate every single one of those chips while making copious Mmmmm noises (think when Harry Met Sally), then with only crumbs left in the bag, I smashed it and tossed it in the garbage. Hahshahahahahaha. I loved it.
Can we be best friends?
they sell it on amazon – packs of 12 for $11. YES!!! MOJITO IS BACK
A related issue is whether or not you were allowed to chew big league gum or eat candy cigarettes. (I was, but not in church. I mean, the though!)
Ah yes, but technically Catholics shouldn't be chewing gum or mints in Church at all. We are supposed to fast before Communion for an hour. Not that I haven't heard of Eucharistic Ministers taking out their gum before serving Communion….
LOLOLOL…I am so going to crack up when the lady behind me whips out her Eclipse tonight.
Never had I thought about the complexities of gum relationships nor that we truly are living in the golden age of gum…as I'm now chewing a piece of Orbit's Watermelon Spring (thanks to this post, I had to have a piece), I think 'Man, we truly live in a golden era of gum…this gum burst a pleasant spray of freshness that whisks me away to a calm, summer night'. And remember fruit striped gum? and band-aid gum?
I think I'm going to purchase a LOT of gum for weekend services now…it could be a great ice breaker. But not actual ice breakers b/c taking mints out of someone else's tub is a little personal, right? So gum…lots of gum.
I was raised Catholic, and I used to swallow my gum as I stood up to get in line for communion… haha.
Also, when I was really young, in Catholic school, the nuns had eagle eyes, and they would catch everyone before church started and make you spit it out into their hand.
Richard Marx would share his gum with you, you know he would. He wouldn't let you slowly go insane.
Hold onto the gum
Hold onto the Mojito
I wish that I could give you one piece more
And praise the Lord
Well I think I've cracked Eclipse with everybody else but me
And the way I love my Trident gave me a chewing injury
Every time I pop and crack my Stride I'm helplessly aware
Of the time I popped a bubble and got Dentyne in my ha-a-a-a-air
haha awesome post. so true about the gum chain reaction with the 2 row radius hahah. every time im on the receiving side i just laugh at the person for his/her silly mistake.
Funny post, Jon! Reading through the comments, I was reminded of a few things. My mother-in-law is still that person who will take gum from you in church. She doesn't care how old you are. She sticks her hand out and you are powerless and immediately spit it out…ashamed of your gum chewing self. This is one of the many reasons we don't attend church with them.
My grandma used to chew Big Red. We lived with her, so she hid her gum from us heathen children in her underwear drawer, right next to her stack of New Testaments. So every time I smell Big Red, I think of my dearly departed Gram's undies. It has scarred me for life. (I don't really know why the New Testaments had to be hidden in there). She also thought the Smurfs were Satanic…so you know.
And Grape Bubble Yum is simply the best tasting gum EVER! The flavor lasts for 2.7 seconds, but it is heavenly. Too bad it is so hard hard to find.
Gum was all we had until the day we said goodbye…
anybody else ever steal the 5-second gum under the pew? raised catholic… more importantly and most damaging of all.. raised 99.9% gumless… my mom hated gum… she had a phobic passionate hatred for the stuff… a kid had to do what a kid had to do… the baggie of cherrios only went so far ya know…
My church is REALLY small – all of about a dozen members right now – so we pretty much just pull out a pack of gum, take one for ourselves, and pass it around. For bigger congregations, is there some sort of etiquette about sharing? Do you have to offer the gum to people in front of, or behind, you, or just to others on your row? What about those on your row, but across the aisle?
I have adopted "Chiclete Imago Dei" a.k.a. the doctrine of chewing gum before the face of God which is recorded as follows:____ We the appointed and annointed elders of all that is highly religious and thus effectually inconsequential before the economy of grace and the gospel doth declareth a proper agreement and compromise for the administering and enjoyment/happyment of savoring chewy, flavorable non-edibles during times of mass worship. First the "gum" (as the modern venacular of the vulgar proletariats refer to it) must be administered orally before entering in upon a house of worship. Secondly, any other pieces of said gum that may have accompanied the original packaging must remain concealed from other parishioners lest another take notice and covet such a possession. As it is written, the local elders of a congregation must tie a millstone around the neck of those who flaunt excess pieces of gum amongst the presence of others, causing them to stumble. Once the millstone is secured that person must be flung into a large body of water.
Nice job, clearly i do not get out much anymore. Gum selection is bigger than I ever hoped for.
one question:
is that last reference a shout out to Richard Marx?
as soon as I read it I thought of the line in his song:
"I'll be right here waiting for youuuuu"
oh, the memories…. i was 12
he was old
it didn't matter;
i was in love…..
I thought I was the only one who thought that about the Pomegranate Orbit. Such a teasing flavor, too. It's just wrong.
3 rules"
First, don't chew gum in church.
Second, if you're seen opening, you have to share.
Third, my mom always taught me to NEVER refuse a breath mint, or a piece of gum if someone offers. This is actually a great piece of advice. Unfortunately, it is likely that those most in need of Rule #3 still won't get it.
I forgot something funny— in our family we always called gum [consumed only in the car on the way to church] "the Sunday morning toothbrush"
i think you should take out your gum during prayer time. when everything is silent. sure people will hear you do that and it might be intrusive, but no one will be inclined to ask or even think about you offering them a piece.
ahhh the power of silence.
would work the same if you were in a library.
Thank goodness you brought up the uncanny phenomenon of Orbit pomegranate gum. Its…terrifying.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I am never worried about getting gum at church, I always show up to church and sneak in the back with my bacon and egg on a bagel and coffee. It is probably horrible for all the people sitting around me, that smell of freshly cooked bacon floating through the air in the back of the church.
Why would you worry about gum when you can bring bacon to church. I don't know if there is some church dedicate I am completely ignoring but church and bacon are a great combination.
Mint Mojito Gum is the best. I discovered it last semester. I'm in Bible College and had to make a commitment not to drink alcohol (or get that tattoo I've been aching to get for the lat 10 years of a giant ostrich on my back) for the duration 3 year program. It's kind of like the nicotine patch. I savored every piece. I really hope I can find it again come next week when classes resume. Or I might have to get that tattoo and grow my hair out a little to cover the eyes of the ostrich peeking out over my collar.
The last line totally reminded me of that Richard Marx song. Lame? "Wherever you go, whatever you do; I will be right here waiting for gum."
You have to first answer the underlying question: "Is it appropriate to chew gum in church in the first place?" If so then when, where, and how? If not then who does this guy think he is chewing gum in church?
What about gum & communion etiquette?
Wow, I loved the middle finger of courtesy comment
It totally just went on my Facebook status right now. I live in Mexico, but Jon, when your book comes out, I'm figuring out a way to get it
Mmm…i'm now pining for some Bubble Yum with the orange flavor! Of course, they don't make it any more so….darn you Jon for making me think of it! : )
How about gum communion? Apologies if anybody else has already suggested this – but it would be a pretty long term reminder of the body – broken for you – if you were to chew the gum for an hour or two.
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