The Obligatory Lost Sermon
Feb 22nd by Jon- Tagged in:
- TV
There are two things you have to preach on each Spring, Easter and the television show Lost. If you skip the second one, I understand, not every church puts such a high premium on television and the what not. If you skip the first one, I hope you don’t get stuck on a fold out couch bed in hell. You know the one, with that bar in the middle of your back that just angrily jabs at you all night like a three year old with a whiffle ball bat? I promise you, hell is lousy with those things.
But maybe you were unaware of the need to experience an obligatory Lost sermon. Maybe you didn’t even know that was an option. And with the show in its final season, you’re lost as it were with how to properly judge the quality of a Lost sermon. It’s almost as if you need a Lost sermon scorecard.
The Lost Sermon Scorecard
1. Your pastor preaches a sermon about Lost. = + 1 point
2. Your pastor preaches a 3-part sermon series about Lost. = +2 points
3. Your pastor wears a “Sawyer Wig” and makes you call his wife “Juliet” while muttering, “I just want to get off this dang island,” during his 3-part sermon series about Lost. = +5 points
4. The title of the sermon is “Lost … & Found.” = +2 points
5. The pastor hides clues to the sermon in the bulletin, much like Bryan Allain hid Lost clues in his Christmas card. = +6 points
6. The sermon centers on trying to find out which character represents Jesus. = +2 points
7. The sermon relates Ben to Judas. = +2 points
8. The sermon compares the island to hell. = +3 points
9. The sermon compares the island to heaven. = +5 points
10. The sermon compares the island to purgatory. = + shout out to the Catholic readers
11. The smoke monster is analyzed as possibly being the holy spirit. = + 2 points
12. The church tries to recreate the smoke monster using the youth group’s smoke machine. = +10 points
13. The smoke machine goes awry, setting off the sprinkler system, causing mass confusion and forcing at least one choir member to yell, “Oh the humanity!” = – 5 points
14. Your church is horribly out of touch and rolls out a series this month based on “The Matrix.” = – 5 points
15. The character Locke is compared to satan. = + 1 point
16. The infamous number sequence that occurs throughout the show is tied to Bible verses. = + 3 points
17. In a hat nod to season 1, a Grand Pyrenees dog is dressed up like a polar bear. = + 1 point
18. A zoo employee attends your church and gets an actual polar bear for the sermon. = +10 points
19. The loud sound of your worship music freaks the polar bear out and it mauls three deacons. = – 15 points
20. The pastor lays out a very compelling, reasonable theory about what happened to the character, “Walt.” = +100 points
21. The ushers collect the offering while dressed as “the others.” = +3 points
22. Your pastor inexplicably tries to combine the Lost sermon series with the ubiquitous “Braveheart” sermon, creating a pop culture train wreck. = – 10 points
23. The guy next to you during the sermon says, “I wish this church focused more on the Bible. I want to be fed!” = – 10 points
24. The hatch is compared to our hardened hearts before the Lord blew them up and put his love in them. = +5 points
25. Not a single reference is made to Chris Seay’s great book, “The Gospel According to Lost
26. During the sermon, the pastor gives away a bajillion spoilers and ruins the season for folks who watch it on DVD after it airs. = – 5 points
27. The Dharma group is called “the church of the island” at least once. = +3 points
28. Instead of covering Lost, your pastor does a series on the show, “Eli Stone,” which lasted approximately 6.4 episodes. = – 2 points
29. The parallel universe, where people are back home, is related to what happens when we lie to people and wear masks about who we really are. = +2 points
30. Jacob is compared to God. = +1 point
31. Each character on the show is related to one of the original disciples during the sermon. (e.g. Doubting Thomas is Hurley.) = + 3 points
32. The “others” are compared to an out of control, power hungry pastoral search committee. = +3 points
How did any sermon you’ve ever heard score?
Here’s the breakdown:
0-10 Points = Lost Fail.
Seriously, that sermon wasn’t about Lost, it was lost. You should be ashamed of your church and better hope your pastor never does a sermon series on 30 Rock or he might wreck that too. For shame.
11-25 Points = Lost Season Three
You’ve recovered your Mojo. You’re not season 2, which had the sophomore slump, but you’re not the powerhouse season 1 either. You should feel good though.
26+ = Daniel Faraday Territory
Your pastor is some sort of super genius. Seriously, well played sir, well played indeed.
Did I miss any Lost trivia on the scorecard?
Can you think of a different way we could tie that show into church?
Comments
re: number 15
you should give extra points if the john locke is compared to jesus, not satan!
-john's father's last name is cooper…so locke's real initials would b J.C.
-john constantly talks about trusting in unseen powers that are not easily understood (faith)
- john is told the only way to save his friends is to die for them. no greater love, right?
-john does die for his friends, and on flight 316 jack reads john’s note saying “I wished you had believed me.” (John 3:16)
-john seems to be resurrected when he returns to the island
other church-y tie-ins:
-the way for the castaways to fulfill their life's purpose (return to the island, save their friends, *destiny*…) is found in the basement of a church
-richard alpert, an angel-like character that never ages and gently guides the other characters, is named after a 1960’s psychologist named Richard Alpert but who went by the name Ram Dass. Ram Dass means “servant of God.”
that's hilarious…my pastor is currently doing a series on "Lost" and we covered "the lost sheep" passage Sunday. Priceless.
If your pastor compares the others to the Israelites. Viewed as bad by everyone else, kill lots of people, don't want to infiltrated by outsiders and take instructions for someone they can't see. +5 points
I'd love a Lost sermon but my pastor goes to bed at 8.
The closest I've ever come to scoring any points on this scorecard was when the pastor at my church used the clip from Season 1 (Episode 5 – "White Rabbit") where Jack gives a long speech that ultimately concludes with him saying "If we can't live together, we're going to die alone."
I can't remember how that tied into the sermon at the time, but I just remember being so pumped up about him using it. I had to refrain from doing a fist-pump in the middle of the congregation.
I haven't watched the last few seasons but yes…I did have a conversation about what we could make Lost a metaphor for…and yes, we did decide it was purgatory-they're just so close to paradise (on a beautiful tropical island for cryin' out loud) but still struggling with their past lives, still being strengthened and purified.
+shout back from a Catholic reader
Nice! I don't watch Lost, but you kind of make me wish I did.
+ another Catholic reader
Wait…YOU got a Christmas card from Bryan Allen?
Dang. I feel so unimportant now….
Because he didn't send one to me, I mean..
Well, maybe I'll rate by Easter…..
(Dramatic Voice Over Man) Previously on LOST Squinancywort was just commenting on another cool blog…
http://godlysheep.com/mmh5-five-signs-your-pastor...
(Dramatic Voice Over Man) Previously on LOST Squinancywort was just commenting on another cool blog…
http://godlysheep.com/mmh5-five-signs-your-pastor...
haha thanks for the shout out
ha…i'd be curious to see some scorecards between now and easter…
What is it worth if someone realizes that JJ Abrams is actually Jewish?
Live polar bear is worth AT LEAST 25 points, cuz that's just rad.
Jughead = Regeneration
Wow. I feel so very jealous because we've never had a LOST sermon. Probably because I'm pretty sure my parents and I are the only ones in the congregation who watch it. :-/ Completely cracked up over your list. Especially Walt. Please, Darlton, give that kid some closure!!
SERIOUSLY, what the heck happened to Walt??!? If the worship band drummer could play the freaky thing they do at the end, that would rock.
I feel like that opening scene of The Incident is definitely ripe for sermon fodder. Definitely ripe for song fodder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU9xfDwuHo
Wow!! My church is actually doing a series called "Lost" I'll have to test it when it is over to see how many "points" we scored.
My husband preached a LOST sermon after season 1 called "Ready for Rescue?" complete with a literal message in a bottle and a flare gun. The "special song" was The Police's "Message in a Bottle."
I must be a poor Christian, because I've never seen the pull that LOST has. Then again, I teach Reading to students that require a straightforward plot or else they've be clueless, so that fuels my dislike for stories that are deliberately obtuse. If you write a script that needs a Wiki to understand what's going on, you're frankly not a very good writer.
#30 should get at LEAST +4 points! Come on Jon!!!!
Being the absolutely crazy LOST fan that I am, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this points scale more than any other (yes, it even beat the sermon notes one!). This was pure genius, Jon. Love it!
We've not had a Lost sermon… and I'm thankful, because I don't watch the show. Now, this 30 Rock idea you propose intrigues me!!
One word, Jon – BRILLIANT!
Oh my goodness, this is amazing!
Church scorecard for this post: 0. Goose egg. nada. niente. This just about includes that Easter thing. I'm not kidding here.
The church I go to celebrates its biggest holiday in November, and it is called Mes de Misiones. Once a year the church celebrates missions like no other: Live reenactments of the lives (and sometimes deaths!) of missionaries and the heart-breaking things people the world over worship and do to worship to appease empty gods, and a strong reminder that YHWH's great commission has always applied to His people and still does to this day. This past year we remembered Graham and Gladys Staines, complete with actual burning car. We also saw that in India, there are people so desperate for an idea of God they worship rats, and we got to experience a temple of live rats. And we have dressed ourselves in remembrance of the people of the thousands of cultures that die without ever hearing about Jesus Christ.
So yeah, I don't really mind it that we don't do TV shows or even celebrate Easter or Christmas. Mes de Misiones is so much better anyway.
Oh my Oh my…I guess the next "lost" sermon would have to be about Star Trek? I'm sure there's a sermon in there somewhere
I'm not even sure I know where you are going with this, but i like it already.
the Original Series episode about the Son worshippers definitely deserves a mention, as does "Darmok", from The Next Generation. Not to mention how you could cover the spiritual aspects of Deep Space Nine and all of the implications of Q! I could go on and on, but then I risk getting really controversial. @Nick the Geek, what do you say?
Daniel Faraday Territory–If he doesn't show up alive again this season, I might cry. Love him.
Re: Spoilers: I had a pastor who saw A Beautiful Mind on its opening night and proceeded to preach on it the following Sunday. He used the movie's dramatic surprise climax as the dramatic surprise climax of his sermon, thus destroying the movie for his entire congregation. People groaned. They stormed out in anger. They stopped tithing. They renounced their faith. Actually, they just groaned. He said, "Oh, did I just ruin it for everyone?"
Any points if Chris Seay is your actual pastor? He sent FB updates from Hawaii when he was there for the season 6 premiere. That's cooler than a sermon series, right?
Poor actor who plays Walt. I'm guessing he grew 10 inches and sprouted facial hair. No amount of time travel can explain that. They should have cast the little guy who played "Webster" maybe. Or Gary Coleman?
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What if your pastor used Gilligan's Island in a sermon? There needs to be at least +3 Old School Lost points…
In the churches of Christ, the Easter sermon is sometimes skipped too. But then in the fall they'll preach about it. : )
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I can't believe I missed this when you posted it! I love LOST and God, so why not combine their awesomeness?
Love the list. Now I have to go and watch Lost. Finally. First time.
Having left Chris Seay's church because he does garbage like this, I am, like Queen Victoria, not amused.
33. The pastor uses the show to clear up a debate on Calvinism.
#33. The pastor says, "If Dharma did it, I can, too" to defend his brain washing techniques. – 3 pts.
#34. The pastor bashes a congregant and the first row with a wooden club and says, "That is for Mr. Eko!" + 5 pts.
#35. The guest speaker is Terry O'Quinn. +25 pts.
#36. In honor of "Hugo Reyes," one lucky winner in the congregation receives a Hummer (Eligibility: First time visitors who complete a "Connection Card.") +30 pts.
dude… a dog dressed up like a polar bear! ha ha! i could see that happening at WAY too many services!