Across the nation, with Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, churches are planning singles events. A potpourri of awesomeness wrapped in a tortilla shell of awkwardness, these events are almost too wondrous to behold. Though it’s been a few years I can still recall my last one.
I got stuck in the closet. Unlike R. Kelly, I was just trying to get my coat. Suddenly, a guy from another church blocked the doorway, effectively preventing me from leaving. I could still hear “safe enough for church” slow dance music playing in the background. Things looked dire, but fortunately, much like Kim Possible, I have a grab bag of karate moves and was able to back flip my way out of there.
But what about you, what happens if you’re single and you get stuck at an awkward singles event? How do you avoid going one? How do you recognize what might be awkward? Just look for the following signs:
1. A Weird Name
Your first clue that you’re about to enter crazytown is the name of the event. Keep your eyes out for names like “Single but not alone” or “1+1+God = love” or “True love waits … and dances!”
2. The DJ who hits on people
There are few things in life as awkward as a DJ that hits on the girls at the events he’s playing at. Have you ever been at a wedding where this happens? Brutal. It’s usually done through tricky lines like this, “Oh, you want me to play a request? I’ve got a request of my own, how about you save a dance for me little lady?” If you’re ever at an event where the DJ is actively and visibly hitting on passerbys, flee.
3. Mixed groups
I know singles ministers don’t think this way or say this out loud but I swear sometimes it seems like they “stock the pond” at their events. By that I mean they bring in other groups from outside your church to mix it up. You might not fall in love with one of the 15 people you see every Sunday but can you afford to pass up an event that combines single groups from three other churches in the metro area? Yes, yes you can.
4. The promise that it’s not going to be an weird dating event.
If one of the leaders says, “And this event won’t be some weird Christian version of speed dating,” then please know that’s exactly what it will be. If you hear this, stay home that night. You can watch one of the 46 episodes of Law & Order that will be on during the three-hour period you are home. (Just heard Stabler might be leaving SVU. I await his imminent arrival on CSI Cleveland.)
5. Faux drinks
There will no be liquor at the event. Look all you want, you’re not finding a keg of Doghead Fish 90 minute. Which is fine, just know this, the awkwardness of the evening is in direct correlation to the elaborateness of the faux drinks. If the bar offers things like “Long Island Nice Tea” move along.
6. At least one grumpy complainer
No singles event is complete without the guy who complains the entire time. Although apparently he’s forgotten that he had the option to not attend, he can’t help from criticizing the DJ, the drinks and the name of the event in a list format which is just a lazy way to avoid the work of writing whole paragraphs . He’s just a jerk and probably has a blog and if you see this guy … wait a second, I don’t like where this is going.
Despite point number 6, I stand by the belief that singles events can be weird sometimes. Maybe I’m wrong.
Have you ever gone to a weird singles event?
Comments
I got this facebook event invite in my inbox about a week ago:
Event: Crossroads Agape Feast
"Don't spend Valentine's Day alone!"
What: Dinner Party
Start Time: Sunday, February 14 at 7:30pm
About 2 years ago a friend and I decided to go to a singles event put on by one of the larger churches in the DFW area. It was an open-mic coffee bar kinda event. When we got there, as two overprimped women in their late 20s who have never been married and never begat spawn, we realized we were probably the only ones in this demographic. The place was swarming with snot-crusted non-dwarf little people and women with ponytails and stretchy pants. The open-mic consisted of the non-dwarfs singing children's church songs. It wasn't a total bust. There were 2 single men there. One had his mom with him, and the other was either dead or sleeping in the corner, possibly homeless.
Don't hate me, I have nothing against dwarfs, non-dwarfs, stretchy pants, or guys who like their mothers. I'm for all of that. But none of them belong at a singles event. Amen.
"Why is it… there are so many unmarried women in their thirties these days, Bridget?"
"Oh, I don't know. Suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes…our entire bodies are covered in scales."
–Bridget Jones Diary
okay..so the first two paragraphs have me laughing my head off..first, potpourri AND tortillas describing the same thing??? And, since I met you and the wifey last week the idea of you and your sweet 'karate moves' busting you out of a closet…THAT is hilarious!
Lol, I am fortunate enough to not go to any of these singles events mentioned… however, my Sunday School class used to be called "The Singles" class because it was for all the non married college students, and yes it was awkward. Especially awkward when they wanted to study Song of Solomon with the marrieds class. Yeah, I know.
My favorite part of the post though, CSI Cleveland. Brilliant.
Our church does nothing for singles, and really doesn't even acknowledge the fact that there are people who have graduated college and aren't married, much less have a ministry dedicated for them.
Of course, this year I've finally got someone to think about for Valentine's Day, so I guess milk-and-cookies mixers wouldn't be for me anyway.
Yes, I have been too many and I decided it would be better to stay at home!! I'm even avoiding one that a friend of mine is throwing this weekend…
Why, yes, yes I have.
My church use to host a Sweetheart Banquet every year on Valentine's Day. Now that was great for the married and dating couples, but if you were single you were told that it was okay to come alone, or to bring your sister, mom, cousin, etc. Can we say "Awkward"?
So I, being in charge of the single's group got together with some of the others and launched the annual Feb. 15th "I don't have a Sweetheart and I am okay with that" Banquet. This usually involved all going to a good restaurant, eating, maybe a movie and then home.
My church is having one of those these weekend. Yeah, I think I'm stay home. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe it.
Where I live is too vacant to host singles events at all, so I just spend a lot of time in my room with "Dancin' with Myself" on loop.
LOL!
What about "Proverbs 31 and Over?"
I love that you referenced Kim Possible in your post. That made my day.
OR DO WHAT I DID (AKA THE ULTIMATE SINGLE'S FAUX PAS:
When, on my first Sunday at a new church, a woman I thought was married told me about the 'Young Adult Group For Singles' I artlessly returned with "Thanks, but I always feel like everyone who goes to those things are desperate."
Turns out she was both single and an avid attendee.
Cue "I'm pretending I'm not offended by that" looks from invitor, gawking non-singles who can't believe I actually said it, and black-list status from ministry leader.
For reasons I can't pinpoint, I only attended that church for four months….
Aimee, that is absolutely priceless. I'm surprised you lasted all of four months, though….
The fact that you lasted four months at that church is a credit to you.
What I really love is the ad next to this post that says "Girls Gone Wise."
Have you met "Girls Gone Wise?" She's akin to "1+1+God=love," easily recognizable as siblings because of their awesome names.
I *wish* I could go to an awkward singles' event, as at 34 it is getting really hard to meet single people! I'll take awkward if it results in a marriage!
hahahahaha…no we've had speed 'dating' with a couple of guys and gals 'life groups' (groups that meet and 'do life' together)..it was just a way to get to know some of those in our age range, not intended to be taken seriously for dating purposes – my life group leaders (who are my age) organized it, so it wasn't a marriage thing…
BUT…the FUNNIEST thing I've ever heard was when my mate first moved into his hall (like a dorm at college, but you have 5+ different halls in a university town)..anyway they had a 'speed dating' evening and he sat down with a girl from our church (whom he knew)..first question out of her mouth off the bat, no facial telling 'Do you have any STD's?'….-awkward pause from my mate and an unsure look on his face- 'ahhh, no…not that I am aware of…' – again her response, off the bat, straight faced – 'Do you want some?'…LOL…Gave us a good laugh for AGES..of course she was joking and breaking the ice, but the way she delivered it made it SOOOO funny to talk about later.
That now ranks as the best pickup line I've ever heard.
The only ything that rivals the awkwardness of the young singles events during the week leading up to Valentines Day are the Widow and Widower dinners. They basically come down to a room of ladies and the token male. My mom had the unfortunate experience of going to one of these dinners last year and she, at 52 was the youngest person there by about 25 years. She says it was the most awkward three hours of her life.
Do they actually CALL it "Widow and Widower dinner"? Wow, can we possibly rub your marital status in your face any harder?
I remember a Valentine's day dinner where the great idea was for the guys in the SIngles Ministry to "honor" our sisters with dinner… and entertainment. Guys did everything including a sketch (that I sadly was involved in) spoofing courting culture in a "The Dating Show" format. We thought we would avoid awkwardness (and speculation) by having an all male cast. That's right one guy was in full drag playing the "girl". It ended up being universally acknowledged as funny and extremely disturbing. Come to think about it I don't think there was any acknowledgement of Valentines Day after that…
funny AND disturbing? Sounds like a winning combination to me!
That sounds hilarious!! I hope someone took lots of pictures to capture those moments for posterity.
Jon, this was refreshing to read. Tell it like it is : )
We need a serious make-over for Singles events geared towards specific age groups. Our YA ministry is mixed singles and marrieds ages 18-35 with some activities focused on singles, others on marrieds. Many of our young people have met and married at church. We have a singles over 30 group which I have politely refused to attend, since most are actually 40-55 lol.
Maybe we should resort to christian speed dating, done right, it may actually be fun lol
Maybe we should!
This post just made me feel really super awesome about getting married at 21. Sure it's occasionally wierd being the only married couple in either of our 2 friendship groups, but that seems like nothing compared to the horrors described here.
Sunday School Speed Dating! (During series on relationships)
They scattered chairs in groups of 2 around their very large lawn…and us girls were told to find a seat, and the guys in the group had to come around and get to know us through questions that were given to them. (My personal favorite was the guy who told me I wasn't the girl for him, because I seemed too exciting, and he wanted "a calm life where nothing new ever happened.") I do look back and laugh at everything now! I definitely keep this event in my mind, as I am in Singles Leadership at my current church…and strive not to plan any event that resembles this!
On another note, I will agree with Sara, who posted earlier – it does depend a lot on what you are looking for when you come to a Singles group or Singles Event. We strive to make it clear that our groups are not meat markets…We don't exist to get you a date. If you go to one of these events looking for the meat…or hoping to be the meat…you help encourage/create some of that awkwardness!
Ah, your description of scripted church speed dating events brings back memories… I went to visit a friend in Orlando once and her church had a 'social' aka YA meat market affair with door prizes, complete with typed questions. The good thing was there weren't too many awkward lulls since no one had to come up with anything original to ask/say.
We're just getting ready to launch a young adult singles group. Whew, glad I read this tonight! Serious awkwardness has just been averted! Thatnks for the post and all the comments.
At least your church is doing something about it. My church prefers to ignore dating entirely. Christians don't date, they court. Dating is practicing for divorce later on in life. Funny thing, though – there are quite a few couples who've met, dated, broken up, and moved on to someone else in the church. Guess hiding one's head in the sand does not work.
Hahaha! At my church we have a singles event called “Merge”…need i say more?! Funny post..alas my Valentine’s day will not be spent at a singles event, but at home, telling myself that God’s love is the only love I need…how sad
Not sad at all, especially when you treat yourself to a decadent bath (Warm Vanilla Sugar bath & shower gel from Bath & Body Works is uh-mazing) and spend some time reading that book you've always wanted to read
“Long Island Nice Tea” CLASSIC. I was a singles pastor for awhile. We didn't do anything weird, we just had miniature golf nights…… oh…… never mind.
Tell me you are joking about Stabler.
Unfortunately, V-day has been like a D-day in my life every year as it is my birthday. However, I've been lucky to avoid the singles' events as described above and have had the opportunity to glean and listen to couples who are older, wiser, and much more learned than me talk about relationships. They've shown and taught how to discern the right spouse, and all in the context of loving and following Jesus but without being "religious."
CSI: Cleveland, that's the Family Guy spin-off, isn't it?
I can't find it right now, but there was a funny video from a Christian media company (someone like Igniter) about awkward speed dating.
Oh! Oh did I ever go on an awkward singles night! When I was in high school my multi-church youth group would have an ARRANGED DATE NIGHT every spring. That’s right–it alternated back and forth every year, but either guys would draw girls’ names out of a hat or the other way around to make “couples”. Then you and your “date” had a scavenger hunt of activities to perform as a faux couple. There was always a storyline: the one I remember the most clearly was drawing a friends name then having to ask him to help me plan out wedding. We had to go to walmart and fill out an inventory of everything we would use, with the “couple” spending the least on their “wedding” as the winners. How weird is that??! Who sets up arranged marriages for high schoolers?!
Of course, I have to share my favorite wal mart wedding plan: two of my friends spent $30 on a hunting rifle, “then everything else was free!”
That is super weird. I would have thought youth pastors would be discouraging kids against rushing into dating, not setting them up
I guess I'm with the ones who are saying, "Singles events? Where?" I haven't seen them, and I probably wouldn't appreciate the awkward "singles event", but I can say that as an "older" (I'm not old, just now 30) single person, I do struggle to fit into the church family sometimes. When everyone my age is married with toddlers and everyone younger than me is seriously dating and getting married, it can be hard to feel understood and valued in your different life situation.
So while I do relate to the frustration that the church generally doesn't know what to do with us, I've never experienced anyone really trying to "help" me, so to speak. Some singles get really angry when treated like they're lacking, simply because they're not married. I guess I don't share that feeling, since I deeply long for marriage and have been bitterly disappointed along the way. I personally think I could only benefit from the involvement that loves me and wants my good (getting by with a little help from my friends, you know?). What I've found, instead, is that married people have no clue how hard it is for singles today – most of whom want the "normal" things but find them out of reach. It seems like they just assume that the singles are out there mingling with tons of other singles and simply taking their time with the whole marriage thing (or aren't interested).
This point was driven home to me when having dinner with some friends recently. Three of us were single, the fourth was married. She seemed confused that we weren't dating – and haven't in quite a while. I asked her, "Who is there to date?" She had no answer. All to say, unless you're one of the fortunate ones who met in college, good luck.
Our culture is vastly different from the ones in which our parents met and married, with the connections and communities playing a huge role (for many, not all obviously). But we singles are pretty much on our own. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't like it that way.
I can totally relate to what you're saying. It's a different dating world out there. So even though I don't care for these singles events, I appreciate any "help" my friends and fam can give me. Cause it's hard to find a normal guy out there who loves Jesus a lot. Just sayin'.
oh my goodnes, can I relate! I have told my parents I am open to an arranged marriage if they can just find a few good candidates…haha! I have no idea where people find godly Christian men anymore, which is a sad testiment to the state of our churches, I think!
Amen, sister. I can totally relate to this. I've come to the conclusion that once your friends are in a relationship (either married or committed) they immediately forget what it was like to not have a significant other. I would love for my friends to set me up but so far, that has not happened. How many times can one subtly ask "Does he have a brother or friends?" Lol!
I found the video: http://www.faithvisuals.com/content/highwayvideo/...
I'll tell you why these events are "weird". No alcohol allowed. Nothing to help with the nerves and get conversation going in the beginning. I say this as a Baptist who has no hope of seeing any beer or wine served at any of her church's singles mixers. I have found these mixers awkward but have been to others out in the world that were awkward too. Heck, people meet people all kinds of ways so it does not hurt to try different methods.
I think it's good to remind ourselves that it's not just Christian singles events that are awkward and dubiously motivated. If you ask any of your single non-Christian friends what they think about Valentine's days or mixers, their response will probably be very similar to this post. And, of course, sometimes it's not even because the event was a "singles event" so much as it's because it's just a lame event (reality check on the efficacy of mocktails, defacto chaperones, and talks by 60yo married couples).
I used to plan events professionally, and my best advice is that you take the "singles" label off of the event and simply make it fun. This is called implicit branding, and it works like gangbusters for singles events. If the event is really fun enough for singles, married people won't even come (except for those very few rocker childless marrieds who are still cool enough to pull it off with the singles crowd).
Finally, the best singles events that I go to are my local Bible study groups. These tend to naturally group similar personalities, and it's a much better chance to meaningfully connect with single women than any singles event I've ever been to.
One last note, it's not really fair to put the blame for singles events being no fun just on their identity as <singles events> (this is wrongfully inferring causation from correlation). Usually a party that's no fun is that way just because of bad planning, inappropriate target demographics or organizers who wouldn't know a fun waterballoon. I've put on my share of events that have bombed, from pep rallies to world cup launch parties, and it's never been just because we're trying to reach out to singles; its been because I did a sucky job planning or executing. Singles events aren't inherently boring; but like any other event that you want to be fun, are best left to be planned by people who know fun, and not by the bluehairs (after all, we already give them control of the Sunday services).
Some of my single friends and I are going camping for the Valentine's weekend at Unicoi….. it's suppose to snow… will this be better then an "awkward singles event"? I sure do hope so =/
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I went to a singles' Christmas Dinner and Dance at another church in a nearby city. I'm glad I went with friends because it was quite the adventure… Over half of the crowd was 45+ and there was assigned seating during dinner. (Awkward!) They advertised the dance as swing and salsa, but it turned into a wedding dance complete with Thriller, the Electric Slide and The Chicken Dance. Everyone over 45 sat on the sidelines and watched the rest of us dance. But my group of friends and I had a great time nonetheless – at least we have a good story…
"Singles Date Auction" Nothing screams awkward more than single men bidding on a single woman for a date. Frankly its a mixture of Gambling and small scale prostitution. I cant wait!!!
This isn't really happening in a church is it?
This is the most risque V-day celebration I've read about so far!
I'm about to attend an event like this, next Saturday. Awkward!!!
There is a singles ministry in upstate SC that has many of those things – speed dating, monthly dances, and a big Valentine's dance. But it's not sponsored by a particular church, it's actually what the singles want. Going to dances like that with a group of friends can be fun – you all get to dance and be silly. The biggest problem was the demographics – there were only a handful of us under 30, and the rest were 50 and older. So if you are in the older crowd, good times. If not, and especially if you're by yourself, it's kind of awkward, even more so for an introvert like me.
By far the best was the man who asked me to dance, then proceed to ask me if I was a born-again Christian. And we were in the middle of a dance, so I couldn't escape. i was thinking, "Are you really trying to evangelize at a Christian event?"
I've found you can get out of a lot of awkward situations by saying: "Excuse me, I need to go powder my nose." What's he going to do, follow you to the ladies' room?
I went to a Singles class called "The Hook Up" and during the first class 2 people got married. Needless to say, I only attended one class. Well, actually I attended 2 — I guess I'm a slow learner.
Having a wedding in a singles class seems like a particularly cruel form of torture.
Hey Jon… seems you have a pretty big singles crowd that follow your blog…they have to be level-headed and cool if they follow SCL!
Have you thought about putting on a singles event or match making program? lol!
this article is so true..and it's funny. church singles events are ALWAYS so awkward. I would just rather hang out with people and do normal things, like go watch a movie or go hang out at someone's house.
don't like christian singles groups. i feel like everyone's focus is trying to find a mate. I am just happy being single.
Wish there were more people like you, Allison, who are happy being single. My church has a sizeable group of us 40+ singles and ex-marrieds, and I seem to be the ONLY one who is happy being single. The rest of them – all great people, by the way – all are living half-lives waiting for God to drop a perfect partner into each of their laps. They do arrange "single" things and prayer nights to try and persuade God to produce the someones who will appear out of thin air to sweep them all off their feet. What amuses me is that they persist in inviting me – like I can't possibly mean it when I say I'm happy being single!!!
This year, Valentine's Day is conveniently concurrent with Chinese New Year. My multicultural church is having a V-Day/CNY potluck lunch. So that should dodge the awkwardness quite handily.
I'm going to a singles event tonight. Without a dj, but with the promise that we won't be dating..which is good, since our church is 120 members strong so it's not like you don't know who the other singles are.
THE BEST WAY TO TELL IF A SINGLES EVENT IS NOT AWKWARD IS IF IT IS DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL HANG OUTS!!! How about this… rent a red box… get some pizza and invite people over to watch a movie… thats not akward at all…