Throwing up.
Feb 17th by Jon- Tagged in:
- serious wednesdays
Last Sunday was one of the worst days of my life.
I can say with very little Kent Brockman hyperbole that Sunday, February 14th will live forever on my top ten list of worst days ever.
Why?
Food poisoning.
I had a pastrami sandwich, ironically named “Ari’s Dilemma,” that just destroyed me. I woke up on Sunday morning and threw up about 10 times. That alone is unfortunate, but if I was at home, that wouldn’t be that big of an issue. I’d crawl back in bed and sleep the day away. If, I was at home.
Unfortunately, I was in Tampa, Florida, roughly 500 miles away from home.
So me, my wife, my 6 year old daughter L.E. and my four year old McRae piled into our car for what would turn into a bit of a death match up 75.
Every 45 minutes or so, while laying down on the third row seat, I would sit up, grab one of the kitchen trash bags my wife bought at a gas station and start throwing up. I don’t know how you do that, but when I throw up, it sounds like I am being murdered. It is a horrendously loud, full body experience.
And every time I did, my 6 year old would automatically burst into tears and release a blood curdling scream of “I hate this trip! I want to go home! Roll the window down!” But when my wife rolled the window down, my kitchen bag of vomit would flap in the wind, which is even less awesome than it sounds. My wife would then crank Ray Charles’ greatest hits as loud as it would go to drown out my daughter’s screaming and my vomiting. We’re all going to need therapy. Probably both group and individual if I had to guess.
The crazy thing is that during one of those moments, right in the middle of feeling like my ribs were going to explode from my torso, I thought to myself, “I wish I treated sin like my body treats puke.” That’s a crazy thought, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like it was true.
You see, with throwing up, there’s no middle ground. There’s no casual element to throwing up. There’s no half heartedness to food poisoning. With a violence rarely exhibited, your body expels some toxin or wrongness from your stomach as fast as it can. There is little room for debate or discussion. It happens and it happens with a swiftness.
But when I try to turn away from the spiritual toxins in my life, I often approach them much differently. I sidle up to them. I spoon them a little. I debate back and forth about whether they’re really all that bad. I make excuses. I argue and ponder and stall and drag my feet. I don’t expel. I throw away and then return to the garbage to rescue hours later.
The best example is the one that’s had a choke hold on me for two decades, porn. As I’ve mentioned a bajillionity times before, that’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. And with the Stuff Christians Like book coming out and the pressure to succeed creeping in, I feel the temptation of porn renewed. But to tell you the truth, I haven’t really done anything to expel it from my life. Unlike a body completely focused on rallying against the wrongness of a poisoned pastrami sandwich, I haven’t done anything. Ultimately, only God can heal wounds like porn, but I haven’t looked at my life for the broken windows that are allowing it to seep into my heart. I haven’t repaired fences or reached out to anyone.
So the other day, I decided to sign up for X3 online software from XXXchurch.com. In the past I’ve used Safe Eyes and Covenant Eyes (Why does everyone use eyes in their name?), but with a newish computer, I wanted to try something new. So a friend I trust and love is going to get a report of everything I look at online. It’s not a silver bullet. It won’t be magic, but I think it’s a step to throwing up a poison I clearly struggle with.
How about you? Is there a toxin you’re slow dancing with right now? Is there a poison you’ve let build a warm nest within your heart? If so, maybe today you need to throw up. Maybe today is a good day to vomit. (I think Joyce Meyer once ended one of her shows this exact same way.)
So what do you say, is there anything you want to throw up today?
Comments
Man, I've been trying to vomit gossiping for some time now. It's just so hard because my brain loves coming up with new ways to say, "ooh, i got a good story i overheard the other day". it's been a huge challenge at work, and i've had to start hanging around with friends less because it always devolves into "let's tell stories and make fun of people time".
and the thing i thought of recently is that God gave me the gift of humor and the ability to be funny, and when I use it to cut other people down with expertly crafted digs, I'm literally taking this gift from God and using it to do something he HATES.
still, it's tough to avoid those situations. and I'm still not at the place where I want to vomit those gossip thoughts. I'm still spooning them. But I'm working on it.
And it's hard to resist being the one who knows something that other people want to hear and not seize that limelight. I hear you. And I get the big, obvious ones but struggle with the difference between sharing something that might not be flattering about someone but needs to be said, and gossip. At least you're not calling it a prayer request for the poor schmuck you're about to skewer!
Thanks for your openness, Bryan!
I've been trying to vomit vomiting for a while now. Literally, I've been battling with eating and food disorders since I was a teen. No one knows its my real reason for having to live alone. No one has the slightest inkling that I'm still struggling with it. And if they did know, they'd scold me in this way: "Rebecca, you're a logical woman. You know starving yourself or binging and purging are horrible for you and there are healthier ways to lose weight. Here, let me show you this awesome new diet plan I'm on…" And so on and so forth. I've had waves of doing well and doing awful, and right now I'm in an awful phase. But I suppose I'm with you Jon, I'm not doing anything to try to fix it. Its my safety net, its comfortable. Its taking God's place, and it is so difficult to let go and let God come back.
thanks for your candidness and honesty…..you will be in my prayers.
Hey, Becca, I feel ya! I've had the same problem for years, and though it's been ebbing for some time, as soon as it feels like I've finally overcome it, I have a really bad day and binge on some cookies and ice cream, and then somehow manage to find myself back in the middle of a tearful reunion with my toilet bowl. I'm always so disappointed. And these people saying "Why don't you just go on X diet?" Yeah… like that helps…
Well, not like I have a magical cure to offer you, but sometimes knowing you're not alone is half the cure.
Thank you, to both of you. It gave me a sense of peace, knowing that I'm not alone, and that I'm not being judged for my honesty. God's peace and love to you!
~Becca
At the risk of being one of those people who gives you unwanted advice, it might be worthwhile to seek out professional help. I just did a google search and there are groups like Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. I've never had anything close to an eating disorder, but I'm a recovering porn addict, and I can tell you that addictions/compulsions thrive in isolation–you're not going to beat this by yourself. Go to 12 Step meetings, get a therapist (Christian or not)–they're not going to give you the response, "That's stupid, you're smart, there are better ways to lose weight," or any other overly simplistic responses that just serve to guilt you and perpetuate the cycle. With these sorts of things, if the surface issue was the only real thing going on, they wouldn't be tough to break.
Anyways, I hope my unsolicited advice was helpful, and didn't make you think something along the lines of "Butt out you nosy jackass."
You are not alone. I struggled with a form of this. I would eat very little and over exercise. I told myself that it wasn't and eating disorder because I was eating (too bad it was only one meal a day). Thankfully, I've been free for a while now. God had to dig deep and root out the heart issue behind it. Mine was perfectionism and crippling insecurity. There is hope. I'm literally not the same woman I was then. I don't act like her, I don't think like her, and it's all because of God and His power. The only thing I do regret is not getting professional help. That would have made me aware of my problem earlier. Thus, I think allowing God to do His thing.
U have probably already heard & read allot about your struggle but the two areas I have found that r key in overcoming is control issues & father relationship issues. U r in my prayers.
yup-control issues and daddy issues. so true!
What do you mean 'daddy issues'?
All the experience I've had personally with eating/body image issues have been either with control issues (i'm a control freak) and/or issues that relate to a woman's relationship with her father.__All too often I found myself wanting to be everything my daddy wanted me to be……thin, pretty, certain color hair, polite, girly, etc.__When I was 13 years old I reached 100 lbs and he told me I was fat. I wasn't.__But, that set the tone for the rest of my life as to what he saw as fat.__And since our dads are our first impression of what men think/feel/act like, that was my first impression of men.__As an adult, I know that's not the truth, and am grateful that my husband loves my body just how it is.__But, I do have body image issues that stem from both control and daddy issues. __:)
Dear Rebecca,
I found books by Geneen Roth ("When Food Is Love," "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating," "When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair," etc.) helpful and comforting during my struggle. She offered a lot of much-needed compassion, which I respond to better than a tough-love approach. You can learn more about her at geneenroth.com/. You are in my prayers.
I struggled with a form of this too. I think that one of the things that really helped me was actually telling people that I thought would be disappointed with me what was going on. I HAD TO get it out in the open! Maybe you need a roommate–and one that knows what you're struggling with. Maybe that will help you deal with it! I'll say a prayer for you right now.
Thank you so much for your honesty Rebecca. I struggled with anorexia for a very long time, and I know quite well how much eating disorders suck. I too had many well meaning people who tried to reason with me, and tell me of better ways to lose weight…but what so many people don't get (what I didn't even understand a lot of the time) is that it really is not about the weight. It's really not.
I would encourage you to seek out some help, or try therapy if you haven't already done so. I know how scary it is to lose that safety net, and recovery is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. But it is worth it. Not to say that life is all rainbows and unicorns now, but it is better…it CAN be better
Hugs and prayers to you!
There is so much love and honesty and support here. I just thought i'd let you all know, I made an appointment to speak with a therapist. Your support and prayers are greatly appreciated. God's love to you all. And thanks Jon, for creating this environment where we are able to support each other.
yay! i hope you found a competent helpful therapist
prayers are being answered already!!
Hang in there Rebecca! I am struggling right with you!
Good job on making that first step! I hope you can quickly find the right therapist. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right fit, but you'll get there. If you feel comfortable doing so, let us know how things go
It was helpful for me to know that logic had/has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with food. I eat because I'm bored, angry or….miserable. I fell tonight while I was out walking–nasty fall, I'm still not sure I didn't actually break my elbow–but my FIRST thought? The FIRST one? Was "ooh, this surely counts as a good reason to go to Jack in the Box and get French Toast sticks….." Not a shred of logic to that, but I've been trained and trained myself to fill the hurts–emotional and physical–with food. Therapy has done wonders for me. I still struggle, but I feel so much more "armed" to deal with the problem. God bless.
pr0n. I am starting a 30 day pr0n free challenge for myself. If I am diligent and keep the 'flee from temptation' attitude in the forefront of my mind, I might be able to vomit my addiction.
That's fantastic. I'll be praying for you!!
Flee to God & flee to your wife to find the intimacey your soul craves.
You can do it. I've been battling porn as well, having been exposed to it in my high school years (stumbled across my dad's monumental stash) and it followed me well up until this point.
Let me tell you something, and you too, Jon… I didn't realize the damaging effect it had on me until just the other day. The issues at stake were tremendous.
-Couldn't trust myself home alone with the computer
-Had to be crafty and cover my tracks
-Left the computer exposed to possible virus-laden sites
-Squandered time I could have been using doing an art project for a family friend
-Selfishly keeping my sexuality to myself when I knew full well it is a gift to give to my spouse
And on a lighter note, Jon, I know how you feel about the food poisoning. OH MAN DO I KNOW AND I WISH I DIDN'T. Matter of fact, I've had food poisoning twice (you'd think I'd learn my lesson).
The first time was a can of chili that I came across. Not 15 minutes after I was done, it felt like someone was pulling my innards like old-time candy makers pulled taffy. Turns out the chili was a few months past the expiration date.
Second time was much worse. I ate some turkey my Mom had in the fridge, and everything was hunky-dory until I returned to my dorm. I suddenly felt like I was in an oven at 600 degrees, head pounded, I felt like I was going to pass out. Once again, expired. HELL ON EARTH, THAT.
Thanks for the encouragement guys. It helps knowing there is prayer (and a God behind that prayer) that is more powerful than any sin, especially pornography. YouTube is even off my list of most visited sites now because of the temptation there (even on my iPhone). Again thanks for the prayer.
You know?, I just signed up for the x3pure online course last week myself.
I have been going through it and another one called setting captives free for the last week or so and it has been an amazing help.
But I just want to say how awesome it is that you signed up. If other readers here are anything like me then they probably see you as a great writer. We look up to you and you have helped so so many of us with your writing. It's great. But what's also really great is how you still understand that sometimes we need help in our lives.
Imagine what it would be like if other Christian leaders also admitted struggling with stuff like porn. If our own leaders came out and said "Hey, you know I may have this huge following of my blog, books, teachings, ministry etc but I still struggle with sin. It's OK to admit it. We don't have to pretend"
It would be so encouraging. And it is encouraging. So thank you Jon for being honest. You have shown me to always be honest and not pretend that everything is 'fine' (the dreaded f word
).
So yeah porn has been a constant thing in my life and I am finally getting to grips with it. The pure online course is great as is 'setting captives free'. The courses have helped me vomit porn up. Eugh that sounds a lot more disgusting that I thought it would. But my point is that I am starting to get serious about disciplines, about accountability, about God. And I've only been able to do this because I am trying to deal with porn head on and that is how God is working in me at the moment.
First off, I want to say that I fully understand your trip. Before we had kids my wife and I would go see my wife's family in northern Arizona, very near Vegas. We flew into Vegas and then my MIL and FIL would pick us up and take us down to their tiny little town. Every single time I would get violently ill at some point during the trip. One time it was the day before our last day. That whole night I was up throwing up ever half our to an hour. That morning I just wanted to lay in bed and die but my MIL had a Vegas trip planned. We were gong to Vegas for that last day and then staying the night so we wouldn't have to get up super early to make our flight. My MIL had all kinds of plans on what we would be doing while we were there.
The trip up we had to pull over twice and then they stopped for lunch. I stayed in the car fearing the smell of food. We got to the hotel and I went straight to the room where I passed out for 30 minute intervals disrupted by dry heaves. My MIL came at one point to tell me, "you're ruining all my fun." I went to go throw up instead of yelling at her because I couldn't do both.
For what I need to expel from my body … I have so much really, but I think my biggest thing right now is fear and pride. These two poisons are really tearing me up in really big ways.
Fear. Fear of Vulnerability, Fear of Rejection. Those are the most commonly lethal fears that I can think of. Fear of falling off of a ladder into a field of devil's club? Kinda irrational (Lest you live at my house.). Fear of spiders? Grab a shoe. Fear of being Vulnerable? There is no cure save for vomit. But people don't ever let that one go. It comes back, like hydrochloric acid in your stomach.
"I went to go throw up instead of yelling at her because I couldn't do both. " Excellent, the ways the Lord keeps of from speaking out in folly. a small concession, but a blessing still.
Hearing other stories from Nick about his MIL and how she treats him, he should have just gone ahead and puked on her. Trust me
I think fear is an extremely difficult thing to expel (of course, anyone who has already conquered fear will say it's easy). Fear has a way of seeping into every nook and cranny and like creosote doesn't easily come clean. When I feel I'm making progress in one area, I suddenly succumb to fear in another. Praying for you, Nick.
I'm surprised your MIL wasn't more sympathetic. It's not like you planned to make yourself sick and miserable the entire trip.
Really the only thing I have to say is, that's disgusting! But I get your point.
It'd be hell if things were coming out the other end too Jon. Food poisoning is the worst. McDonald's once gave me a 10 cent refund…in my burger. That alone should have been a sign that I shouldn't eat this. But I kept going and suffered for it the next day.
I wish we were as disgusted with sin as God is. But we aren't and we think we can handle the little sins. Whatever "little sins" even means, who knows, just a justification if you ask me.
As far as pornography goes in my life, I've got a good handle on it for the past year now and my wife and I have talked of strategies. She will every now and again ask me if I've looked and the fact that at any time she could ask and me having to tell the truth is enough to not look. I have a 2 year old and I am so protective of her and I have to remember that the women I can lust after were once 2 year olds as well. This helps me, it brings a sacredness to women you know?
But as the children's church song says, "God's still working on me." Now He is having me deal with anger and shutting people out. This doesn't go well when dealing with my two sister in laws who are the most sensitive people in the whole wide world and cry over a lot, reminds me of the girl Jerry dated who cried over a dropped hot dog or untied boot.
nicodemusatnite.blogspot.com
I was told about a book; 9 principles leaders should use to maintain good relationships – possibly a redo of 7 principles of effective leadership. Anyone know the real titles?
Anyway, one of the principles has something to do with Pulling Teeth.
owe
goes alone the same lines as vomiting
identify it and get it out of you
least it infect you and make you sick and ineffective.
Yeah and I had food poisoning once, during high school – I had to walk the +- 2 miles back home.
I will never forget that
I threw up yesterday.
I feel my self-serving wicked ways creep in and they grab ahold.
Friend needs you? whatever.
Clients are calling? screw them.
God put me in a choke-hold and wouldn't let go until I 'threw up'.
I have never felt anything like it – on my knees bawling my eyes out for him to PLEASE replace this feeling with His love.
I'm feeling better – thank you.
“I spoon them a little” – that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever read here
I once did a 6-month course on discipleship. The second week's teaching was about repentance and forgiveness. At the end of the week we were all encouraged to get up and confess our besetting sins to the class. It was one of the most liberating experiences of my life, and rather than creating a massive atmosphere of judgment like so many of expected, it actually increased the closeness and the grace we had for each other.
The thing about sin is that it works the same way as food poisoning. Once it's vomited out, once it's in the light, it loses its power over us. Sure, we still may have some residual issues and it almost always takes more than one puking fit to get it all out, but once it's out… it's gone. Done.
As children of the Father of Lights, let's keep our whole selves in His light.
For myself, I have issues with arrogance and laziness. I'm working on them, definitely a beneficiary of God's grace.
I'm actually kind of glad I don't react to sin the way I react to food poisoning. As I grow I discover more and more that falls short of God's will and is not worthy of His name. If I got hit with the full load of physical revulsion of all of this at salvation, I wouldn't have lived. I do wish I could cultivate the same hatred for it that God has, but I kind of like the grace He gives to gently clean us rather than throwing us in the vat of bleach and being done with it.
Hope you're feeling better, and glad you got home safely.
I love that analogy, Jeanne.
Jon,
I've used X3 watch before, and I've had some issues with the software. After a while, it would stop emailing the recipients. I've seen other people post similar complaints on the group's Facebook page. Plus, there's a feature where you can turn it off–make it stop keeping track of your web browsing until you turn it back on. It will email your accountability partners when you do that, but still, it kind of defeats the purpose if you can make it stop tracking your web activity whenever you want. I don't know if they've resolved those issues or not. But Covenant Eyes has worked the best for me. You might get around the blocking software, but you can't make it stop tracking your web activity (and if you can I don't want to know how! Not listening la la la la la la).
Just some advice from one recovering porn addict to another!
Michael
Thanks Michael,
My husband uses X3 watch and I don't get regular reports. It's hard to know whether it is a software malfunction or if he is turning it off. I am glad to hear others have had similar problems. Stay strong in your "sobriety" !
Sara
My wife has been monitoring my computer activity for over three years now. Although I'm very rarely tempted any more (hooray!), it certainly helps me move past the times when I am.
Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent,. A time of penance, preparation and spiritual renewal. It is indeed a very good day to stop spooning and start throwing up.
This is hands down the most disgusting and most poignant post I’ve read. I have a for real anxiety about hearing people vomit. It literally freaks me out. People laugh, and in hindsight it’s a little funny, but when the irresistable urge to run and cry takes hold, it’s really not funny. So, all that to say, wow. I never thought of it that way. If I reacted to sin the way my body does to throwing up or just hearing someone throw up, it would give me cause to do everything in my power to avoid that. I know that’s not exactly how you described it, but that’s what my brain went to. All this also reminds me of how God vomits lukewarm Christians. Gross.
For years, I played the two-faced purity game. I struggled with many things from why am I staying physically pure to am I really pure with what I’m looking at and doing in the secret? As a woman, I thought I was the only one who struggled with issues like that. I thought only men struggled that hard, so there must have been something wrong with me. My body and my mind were at war telling me things like if you’re doing this in your head, what harm will it do to act it out? Thank God a million times a million times that I never sought anyone out to compromise myself like that. But, I was still sitting alone in the dark doing evil things while the war raged on.
It came to point where I knew this double life would have to end. I was so low and filthy, and the Lord led me to a site called Setting Captives Free. He’s really been stirring in my heart, and He’s equipped me to fight (vomit) these fleshly desires. Is it easy? No. But, it’s turned my prayer life around. I know Him and desire Him more than ever. I will always fight this, but I know that the power of the Spirit is far more powerful than the flesh.
Here’s to vomiting.
Thank you for sharing your story. This sentence really hit me: "But, I was still sitting alone in the dark doing evil things while the war raged on." Isn't it so easy for us to think that no one is watching, when God has told us he will never leave us? He is always there, but we think we can hide from him.
Jenn C, please check out my post re: this issue. I had to break it in 2 but it may help. GBY
I think that people don't really realize that this can be an issue for women, too. There are more than you realize.
Cheers.
Thanks for sharing your story, Jennifer.
Lately as I have been working on my degree I have been struck with a new perspective regarding sexuality and sin. It began with a quota from the great Baptist preacher of old Charles Haddon Spurgeon had likened the young mans trip to the brothel as something that is “something profoundly spiritual.” Consider this; the Bible says that God made us in his image both male and female. Although God does primarily identify himself as male in scripture, he also possesses and identifies with feminine qualities in the Bible. Jewish theology believes that a man and woman are never so close to God as when they are “one flesh” with each other. Kinda gives us a different perspective doesn’t it?!?
In life I have found that to effectively deal with problems we need to understand their nature. If mans struggle with lust is really a craving for intimacy that can only be satisfied in a covenant relationship between man and God or man, woman and God. Then it is only logical that we turn to God in a deep and vulnerable way, opening ourselves to him meeting our true inner needs. As well this reasoning can be and should be strong motivation for men and woman to pursue the deepest intimacy with each other through their relationship in God. Let me be even bolder and say that women who withhold sexually from their husbands thwart the very intimacy they crave and God designed. I don’t entirely blame women’s lack of understanding of intimacy for men’s affinity to pornography however it certainly can lead them in that direction. As a counsellor I often see couples that can’t connect and have found that a fundamental lack of understanding on how God designed us for intimacy with him and each other to be at the root of the problem.
Wow deep thoughts!
So if a woman is struggling with an addiction to pornography are there any issues that can be traced back to her relationship with her husband?
Interesting thoughts and perspective.
All "there's an app for that" kidding aside, X3 also has an app for your iPhone. Just sayin.
Matt…what's the app called bro? I've been waiting for them to release one.
I really appreciate you're honesty. About the porn, not the vomiting…that was gross.
isn't that kind of the point? sin is disgusting….
Food and lust are my two big struggles, though I could certainly think of many more. I used to look at porn a lot and I don't anymore, but lust still plays around at the edges–constantly threatening to creep back. Food is often my comfort and I convince myself that another 1/2 dozen cookies is no big deal. Then I feel guilty.
I was reading Galatians 5 this morning and really trying to figure out. Verse 1 says, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Yet why do I always feel as though I often put the yoke back on? Then in verse 16 it reads, "walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." Does this mean I am not in the Spirit if I continue to gratify the flesh? How does one overcome this without becoming works based?
You’re on the right track with Galatians 5 – it’s a true statement that you’re not walking in the Spirit if you’re fulfilling the lusts of the flesh. But the verse actually expresses it the other way around – if you’re walking in the Spirit, living the fruit of the Spirit, then by nature you’re not going to be fulfilling the lusts of the flesh. A lot of the time, we need to flip our thinking. Instead of focusing on the unrighteousness we don’t want to do, we should focus on the righteousness we ought to do. The Word of God producing the fruit of the Spirit will naturally push out the lust of the flesh. They will trigger the vomit response, to use the picture of this post.
By the way, there is nothing wrong with doing works for Christ – it’s a huge part of why He saved us. (Ephesians 2:8-10) The problem in Galatians was people thinking their works got them saved, kept them saved, or made them extra-saved. When we realize that we work, not to get saved, but because we are saved, and that the works are the works of freedom in grace, not the bondage of the Old Testament Law, that’s fine. Our love for Christ is expressed and proven by our obedience to His commands.
"we should focus on the righteousness we ought to do" – BINGO! When we're focused on what we shouldn't do, it strengthens the temptation and causes an even bigger backlash. At least, that's been my experience.
And more than that, we HAVE to focus on the grace, mercy, love and joy we experience in Christ. I think that memorizing scripture is a very helpful way to do this. Jesus was tempted and yet did not sin, so those scriptures are particularly helpful to me. When I'm tempted I recite them (sometimes out loud, if I have to) and my spirit is refreshed. My craving for sin is replaced with an overwhelming sense of joy and thankfulness for the Creator and Lover of my soul.
Now, I need to stay consistent in this and actually do it! He helps me when I turn to him; unfortunately I don't turn to him nearly enough.
Thanks for sharing that, Sarah. I think that's an approach I need to adopt. I don't memorize scripture enough and tend to focus on me-bashing instead of on the righteousness I ought to do. Thanks for the reminder.
Graphic, brutal, honest. Love it Jon! Really good post. For me personally I should vomit (do not like that word) my negative self-esteem. I have been able to say 'I hate myself,' with total honesty for far too long now. I don't like what I look like or who I am and I allow myself to believe that I have no strengths. I want to see myself in the way that my close friends do and more so in the way God sees me. I want to believe that I am beautiful and that although I mess up, that I'm a good person. I do not need to view 'beauty' mags or diet or God forbid purge to achieve this. God wants me just the way I am.
i'm right there with you Grace…ive had that same issue for a long time too:)
Grace – I posted my comment on INSECURITY and "self-hate"…. then read through what others thought and found your comment… misery loves comapany
thanks for you honesty, wish I had some words of wisdom, but alas I have none, just trying to figure it out too.
Grace, I totally understand what you are saying. Believe it or not I struggle with this, too but I blame it on the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. I want to overcome this with the Lord. I am praying for you. Pray for me, too. =)
Of course I will
x
When you say "only God can heal wounds like porn", that is true. But I have observed that God does not always heal our issues. Sometimes He completely takes away old desires, but other times those desires follow us though our entire lives and we simply must learn to manage them and seek creative ways to "make not provision for the flesh" (Romans 13:14).
When my wife expressed concern about the amount of time I spend alone on the computer, and the temptations normal guys face, she suggested we purchase an online filter. I didn't want to spend the money so, instead, I showed her how she can check my online history. I don't delete it. She can check it out whenever she wants.
That works for me.
My opinion, not great. As a wife get the software. Her peace of mind is worth a few bucks. And internet history can be manipulated so many different ways.
sorry that should be Chris. I type faster than my computer puts it up on screen. Yikes!
My daughter once had too many oreos and threw up that night because her stomach is sensative to sugar. I have often asked God to smite me with that problem. He hasn't. So I guess I have to stop spooning and throw up gluttony. Lent is a perfect time to start.
That was an interesting post, especially today, since I'm home sick throwing up. I nearly took a break during the trash bag scene, but I made it through.
This is my favorite line, and it will probably become a staple in my teaching: “I wish I treated sin like my body treats puke.”
Oh Jon, food poisoning is the WORST! My husband also had food poisoning…ironically in Tampa. This was last year. And he was on a business trip, rooming with a coworker. It was a LONG 48hrs for him and ranks as one of the most embarrassing events of his life. I think the coworker ended up sleeping on a barcalounger by the pool. The first night he felt relatively human again, he had to go on a booze cruise. Oh, it was awful.
Anyway, this was a terrific Serious Wednesday post.
Thank you for the insight, Jon. I'll never think of vomiting the same way again.
Mine problem is maybe not quite as dramatic or crucial to spiritual health, but still has taken hold of me…Strangely the biggest thing I've had issues with "throwing up" lately would be spending too much time on Facebook (and the internet in general, but facebook takes up a good chunk of that time). Its become such a big thing, probably an idol in my life by now. And like you said Jon, I know its not healthy, I know I need to make steps to change it…..and I still don't take those steps.
At this point I'm trying to go back and get a feel for what God says is good and bad….and then gain a desire for the good, and a hatred for the bad (ha, easier said than done). And then question whether my desire to be like Christ is strong enough to change my actions. Then all I have to do is claim the grace and freedom that He has offered to me. So much easier said than done…
X3 church is useful, but you might also give K9 Web Protection software a shot. That's whay my accountability partner and I use and we think it's a bit better than x3watch.
Favorite post maybe ever.
I love serious Wednesdays.
I have spent the last six months vomiting gluttony and my reasons for it. You see, at one time in my life I had successfully turned it over to God. Then some hurtful things happened to me. I turned back to my old friend Gluttony and embraced its evil, unhealthy ways with open arms. It was my way of not dealing with the real problems in my life. The good thing is Jon, God is much bigger than any of these things that we struggle with.
Today I started vomiting gluttony by eating a balanced breakfast. I will continue to vomit it by eating a healthy lunch and a sensible dinner. As much as we want it to be quick, vomiting is never a quick process. You vomit until your body is ready to collapse. Then you vomit some more. Purging our lives of sin is not a quick fix nor does it have a magic bullet. It's a one day at a time thing. Us and God. Working through it. Vomiting until we are completely purged.
Diggs, thanks for coming out in the open with Gluttony. This sin is so culturally acceptable in America and many people don't even see it as sin. For women, there's often talk about eating issues, but no one wants to face "stuffing your face" as an idol and hurtful to God. It was only recently that I admitted my excessive intake of food is coming from a heart that is trying to replace God and find other pacifiers for my hurt or emptiness.
It's interesting timing, because I am observing Lent for the first time in my life by abstaining from sugar products and added sugars until Easter. It's already been a hard morning and this is only day 1. I'm hoping that by denying this idol in my life and spending these days focusing on Christ and his suffering for me this will be a good first step to vomiting this idol out.
Actually, I hate it when Christian men admit to viewing or having a problem with porn. Don't get me wrong… confession and making yourself accountable to well – thousands – is a good thing. But by doing so it seems to me that this admission is as if porn only affects you. Porn affects a lot of other people… usually innocents. What about the women who love you? Yeah. Porn hurts them as well. Destroys them actually. Again, I'm not 'dissing the fact that you are up front about a sin problem (as are many readers based on the comments). I'm new to SCL so I don't know how you've discussed porn in the past. However, today it just seems as if your admission forgets the trauma porn wrecks on your wife and children.
I've seen a lot of Christian men use Proven Men (http://www.provenmen.org/framework/index.php ). I long for some type of organization or Bible study to help young women (not yet married) who discover their boyfriends have a porn problem. I have a heart-broken daughter who is convinced there are no pure men anymore. Since porn can be such a private secret thing (thanks to the internet) it seems as if Christian men have just given up. Sorry… am rambling. But I've seen what porn does to the women who love the men addicted to this kind of vomit.
Read a few more posts & u'll see that many of the men r wrestling thru this issue with their wives. As well they r making themselves accountable to their wives & say they r doing it for their families. For a different perspective take a look at my posts. Yes u r right, there r allot of women who struggle with pron as well.
I think I disagree with you a little.
Confession of a sin, such as an addiction to pornography, is not the end point; it is just the beginning of the journey to restoration (sanctification) for both you and your loved ones who have been affected. The confession is the first step in the process.
Also, regarding the "innocents," my wife was not "destroyed" by the fact that I was addicted to porn because she understands that my sin is no worse than her sin. We all struggle with different sins, but in the end our hearts are all black and not one of us is righteous. She understands that it is only by the grace of God that we (both she and I) take our next breath. When you begin to understand the immense grace that God has shown us, you are able to forgive each other without being "destroyed" because you realize that porn is no more of a sin than lying, anger or selfishness. She realizes that if God will forgive me then she can as well.
I am not saying that porn isn't a difficult issue for husbands and wives, but if you even slightly understand the grace that God has shown all of us, it will not destroy you.
We will definitely remain divided on this issue then anonymous. This is (I believe) where Christian men are mistaken about their sin of porn being no different than their wife or girlfriend's sin. In God's eyes… certainly! Sin is sin, and all of our sin was what ultimately sent Christ to the cross – to pay that price. But the consequences of the sin of porn are what destroy the wives and girlfriends. No woman can ever compete with "that". No reassurances that they aren't compared are ever fully believed. They are left wondering why they couldn't be enough, why someone else's body, sex, and pillow talk (depending on the kind of porn that is viewed/paid for) is more desirable than they are.
Sometimes I hear Christian men say "well we are just created differently… we are more sexual beings…" My husband is a Christian psychologist and I'm in the latter 1/2 of grad school for a MS in psychology. I totally "get" that men and women are different. But that shouldn't be used as a crutch… and excuse. God called us to be pure. I very much believe in the power of God's grace. But please… please do not pretend that the sin of porn has no more effect on a wife or girlfriend than any other sin or offense committed against them. There are far too many girlfriends and wives in counseling trying to put the pieces back together. Lying, anger and selfishness is not a personal attack on the intimacy and desirability of these women. Porn is.
God said to be pure. If you can't be then pluck your eyes out. Jon did a great job of explaining some things he aims to put in place immediately. He's locking down… demanding purity so the temptation has no place to take hold. I applaud that.
Just don't try to tell me porn doesn't destroy relationships and/or the women in the lives of men who view porn. Think of it this way… once a man confesses or is caught viewing porn by a wife or girlfriend… they will never be WHAT THEY COULD HAVE BEEN. Yup. God can and DOES still use, heal and grow them (His grace, remember?) But their is a shift in the road towards "what could have been"… God's best was a relationship which began with pure hearts and minds and morphed into an intimate Christ-filled marriage. When the shift happens… a new end result is destined.
Yes. Sin is sin. But the consequences of sin are different. Porn wounds like few other sins committed against a wife or girlfriend. You'll have a tough time convincing me otherwise. You've not been in the counseling sessions with them like I have.
I really am not one to argue on the internet but here are a couple of observations… this will be my last post on the subject.
1. Grouping all Christian men into a category and claiming that they are all mistaken about something is kind of silly. Overarching statements like this are quite often inaccurate
2. "No reassurances that they aren't compared are ever fully believed." This is just not true. Complete forgiveness is possible (even without counseling) if a proper perspective is taken. You are blaming the insecurities of the woman on the man's action. A man can have a porn issue, confess it and have complete restoration with his wife. I have experienced it both in my life and in the life of close friends. It is possible for a woman to be secure enough in Christ to be able to extend complete forgiveness.
3. "…please do not pretend that the sin of porn has no more effect on a wife or girlfriend than any other sin or offense committed against them." I would say that an unforgiving wife can crush a man just as quickly and as deeply as porn can crush a woman. Just because the man doesn't see a counselor about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
4. "God said to be pure. If you can't be then pluck your eyes out." I believe He said that if your eye causes you to sin then pluck it out. If you are really expecting complete purity out of another human being, I don't think you are going to find it. Yes, we can put safeguards in places like internet monitoring, but that only stops the outward action. The real problem with porn is that it stems from a lustful heart. You can stop the porn, but if you don't stop the inward lust you haven't gotten to the root of the problem. What about the men who lust after other women in their mind, but don't actually look at porn, is this any less of a problem? Should that not be just as devastating to their wives or girlfriends? Do you really think that a man exists today who has not struggled with the sin of lust?
Of all people, Jon isn't one to dismiss the effects of this problem. Keep reading–go back and read. He gets it. Thanks for your insight, though–there are others who don't.
glad you brought up porn. last wednesday i confessed my addiction in front of my whole youth group, at least 100 students. God works in mysterious ways. through Him i have been porn-free 2+ weeks. i hope you are able to rid your body of this infectious disease.
great post. great thoughts, and I'm sorry for laughing at your misfortune. With 2 kids, I too know the perils of road trips, but yours takes the cake.
Keep in mind that women struggle with porn too, not just men. The internet has made destructive sexuality available easily and secretly to us all. Women who struggle with porn often feel more alienated because "that's only a problem for men," so they feel they cannot ever share their secret.
I struggled with porn during my high school and college years. I'm now free from that, though temptation still rears its head, because of the incredible grace of God and really amazing counseling.
Our culture has a double standard when it comes to the porn issue. It is more acceptable for men to struggle with it & admitt it then it is for women. The Church is always behind when it comes to these types of issues as well. There are allot more women then people realize who do have porn issues. Good call.
Anne Jackson, who blogs at flowerdust.net, talks a lot about women and porn addiction. She is amazing. http://flowerdust.net/2009/04/22/women-porn-addic...
I hate throwing up, worst feeling ever.
The problem is, I hate throwing up more then I hate sin. Sin is way more appealing and feels better, but destroys way more.
What an amazing post. Thank you for your brutal honesty.
First of all, I've been super sick and away from home before. It was before my husband and I got married, and I started feeling bad on the way to his apt. I ended up shutting myself in a room and trying to sleep it off (and let me say that this was NOT normal–we didn't hang out at each others' houses alone for safeguard/purity reasons), and he found me laying on his toilet vomiting out my insides. What made it worse was that his roommate's family was there touring their apt. I finally made it to my aunt's house (where I was staying that night), and spent practically the whole day/night in the bathroom. One time my aunt found me passed out in the bathroom in the middle of the night. I am SO thankful nothing like that has happened since!
As far as X3 Watch goes, my husband has been using this since last spring. He went to a youth minister's purity retreat, and found out about the software. He actually has it sent straight to me. Talk about not wanting to mess up! I'm proud of him for taking that stand. We've also decided that since he works from the home most of the time, he doesn't get on the internet–PERIOD–without me being home. If he does need to get on for any reason, he texts me to tell me when he's off and on. This has been a really good system for us. It does stop emailing after a while, though, so you will have to re-download it if it does that. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that my husband is serious about not falling back into the sin that held him captive before we got married. I know that it will be a constant battle, but I'm so thankful that he's willing to fight against it and fight for our marriage and to be the man God has created him to be!
I need to vomit complaining. God has been dealing with me about this for a few months now. It's so easy to complain about my job and my company or about the way that people at church are so stagnant. But I know that when I complain, I'm essentially telling God that I don't appreciate where He has me right now. I'm not trusting that His plan is the best plan, and trying to make the most of it. I want to be a person that's positive and that points others to Jesus. I can't do that while I'm complaining!
Somedays I get along great and am sure I have nothing to puke, and other days I am the worst spiteful person I know.
If there was something I could puke-up, it would be INSECURITY.
It's an odder sin, and one that no one else can see. It's telling myself I'm worthless, fat, stupid – and in the same breath I can't help but think that I'm insulting God – and telling Him He has no idea what He was thinking when He pulled out his playdough and got to work on me.
My hope is that my playdough hasn't hardened into the wrong thought, form, idea – but that God can somehow cure my self-hatred…. my private sin.
Oh, I love a good puke story. I've gotta read that one again. Hilarious.
Okay, on another note…Keep a box of Ziploc baggies in your car. Puke. Zip it up, air tight. Dispose of in trash. Get a fresh baggie for each "episode". Much friendlier than a garbage bag! – Mother-of-seven
And I thought serious Wednesdays weren't supposed to make you laugh so hard your stomach aches in the good way (as opposed to the bad – I've been puking all night way)
Thanks for these wonderful insight.
I think this is an excellent post. My struggles are with men and sex – I seek attention and affection to make me feel loved, but I know only Christ’s love will satisfy my heart. I am going to look at the sin just as it is and not sugar coat it…Vomiting is so gross but thank you because the mental picture as it applies to sin is unforgettable!
Beautiful post, Jon. I recently installed Covenant Eyes and I considered it one of the greatest victories I've ever had over sin. I'm even debating allowing the boys in the high school group I lead be the ones I'm accountable to…or maybe even their parents. Whatever is most-likely to make me stay clean on the Internet. I'm basically trying to make it a huge disaster if I fail, although I think there needs to be some grace involved there somewhere.
Otherwise, I'm trying to vomit up cynicism and destructive sarcasm. It's only been 3 hours since I decided to give it up for Lent, but I've already become aware of how pervasive it is in every conversation I have.
Having vomited through two pregnancies now, I can tell you for certain that Oreo Cakesters are just as delightful coming back up as they were going down. Most pleasant vomiting experience ever. And I've had a lot of them in my 18 months of vomit.
But I think that kinda misses the point a bit.
What does God want me to vomit out of my life (like Jonah's "big fish") right now? I would say sitting on the couch. Sounds stupid, but instead of keeping my home like I should, I sit and play on the computer or read a book or watch tv. Instead of doing the tasks that need doing, I sit and do nothing of importance. I need to get over my inertia and choose the _best_ for my family and my commitments instead of what's easiest right now.
Jon,
Great post. So absolutely true. I actually got X3 awhile ago and it's been awesome having my accountability partner seeing what I'm doing on the web. Gotta say though, be prepared for some sites to be reported that will make you laugh. Sometimes they'll flag things like worship videos on YouTube. But it definitely does it's job too…
It's funny you posted this because I thought the same exact thing when I was upchucking a month ago. And I'll be praying for you to start hating porn. I'm praying we all start hating sin with a violence.
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Awesome. The embedding didn't work. Now I look really dumb. Well, here's a link for anyone who's interested in hearing an encouraging word on making war against sin…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhAeIjFngyE
Perhaps the Heb 12:1 verse should be changed to: "let us throw UP everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles"
Great post. We do need a sin gag reflex.
Would I be a total jerk if I gave you a little grammar tip, in Christian love?
When talking about hypothetical or unreal situations, there's this thing called the subjunctive that you're supposed to use. No one knows what that is anymore (I just happen to be an English teacher) but the best example is when you start a sentence with "If I were you, I would…" You don't say "If I was you," that just sounds weird. I'm not you and I'm never going to be you, so it's an "unreal" situation, therefore instead of saying "I was" we say, "I were." In the same way, you weren't at home when you got food poisoning, so you should say, "If I were at home, that wouldn't be that big of an issue." Saying, "If I was at home," technically implies that you don't know whether you were at home or not.
Now, if only I WERE as attentive to sin as I am to grammar…
I think you have a couple unnecessary uses of "that" in your post.
In Christian love,
Matt
Perhaps unnecessary but not incorrect.
Misuse of the subjunctive…my pet peeve.
My hubby struggled with a porn addiction early on in our marriage. He broke down and confessed to me, cried and said he didn't want to struggle alone anymore. It made me sick to think he was looking at other women that way but I knew he was serious about getting help. Since then we've tried several things to keep him accountable. At first he just wanted allowed on the internet alone. We had a laptop I used for my side business and I changed the password so he couldn't get on without me logging in. When we got a new computer last year, hubby discovered X3Watch and installed it on his own. The emails come to me and that has really been helpful.
X3 + Wife as Accountability Partner + Holy Spirit + Continued Faith in God's Sustaining Grace = Freedom.