I don’t have proof of this, I mean there is no scientific evidence about what I am about to say, but I think it’s true:
The hour before you attend church is like the devil’s Super Bowl.
Seriously, that is a golden hour for him, 60 minutes where he rolls up the sleeves of his Armani suit (Admit it, you thought the devil wore Prada) and he gets the job done like Big Daddy Kane. (80s rap reference and Meryl Streep movie nod in the same sentence? What!)
I am assuming his goal is to get you distracted and angry and all poisonous before you have a chance to connect with God during the worship service. So he just wrecks your morning and gets you in some squabble with your spouse or a roommate.
But maybe that’s never happened to you. If not, here’s how it usually goes down.
1. Someone sleeps in.
Really? On a Sunday? We’ve been going to church at the same time for three years and now you’re going to act surprised that we have to be out the door by 8:15? Seriously? Not today Mark, not today!
2. Someone finishes all the milk/cereal/coffee.
Thanks, thanks for sharing. I can’t believe you. Classic, just classic. There’s no more coffee. We are out of coffee and I am going to temporarily forget that we will pass literally 4 different Starbucks retail locations on our way to church cause I want to stay mad right now. Way to go Nancy!
3. Someone gets engaged in the Internet.
Are you checking fantasy football stats right now? Are you switching out players for your games today? Really? I’m going to miss church so you can sit Ben Roethlisberger? He was suspended four months ago. This moment, of all the possible moments in the day, as we get ready to leave for church, is when you decided to make the update?
4. Your kids refuse to put their shoes on.
Are you going to help? Don’t you disappear for 7 minutes brushing your teeth while I try to manhandle both kids into the car. You get one. We’re playing man to man defense now. Back when we had one kid, sure we could run a zone defense but those days are over. Get over here and help! (Sassmouth comedian Louis C.K. says that if an adult friend of ours ever made us miss a movie because they refused to put their shoes on we would think that friend is a jerk. So true.)
5. Someone cuts you off on the way to church.
You may call it a “1997 Toyota Corolla,” but I see that car that just cut me off as it really is, a hellhound. A vehicular villain sent from the very belly of Mordor to throw me off my game as I drive to church. Away with you!
Again, if this has never happened to you, kudos. But if it has, tell us about it.
Have you ever had a fight before church with your spouse or roommate?