SCL

(I’m sorting through dozens of awesome guest posts right now. One that came my way is from Michael Kelly. You might remember him from the prosperity gospel post. He writes great stuff and this is proof of that. Enjoy.)

Perhaps you’ve been in an awkward situation like this one. You are leaving a conversation about Lady GaGa and Skittles. It was an enjoyable time, and you felt like you held your own nicely. People appreciated your wit and cultural relevance. But though you are adept in conversations like these, you find yourself totally lost in the atrium of the church lobby.

You’ve finally found a church where the give-away coffee isn’t Foldgers but Starbucks and where the donuts aren’t from Publix but Krispy Kreme. But in the midst of the pre-worship snacking, you often discover that you stuff yourself full of fried batter so you don’t have to reveal your lack of spiritual vocabulary and competence to those around you:

Person 1: “This morning I was reading about the relationship between the Solomonic dynasty and reflecting on the kingdom implications regarding the centrality of the covenantal promises.”

You: [Take a bite and nod.]

Person 2: “Really. That sounds intriguing. But does the authorship of 2 Kings play any part in such an interpretation? Recent discoveries lead me to believe that the temple dimensions might have more to do with the new Jerusalem than the old.”

You: [Another bite.]

Person 3: “You know, Chrystostom reflected on the consummation of such a kingdom – more specifically, the pneumatological implications as revealed in the dedicatory prayer.”

You: “This donut is good.”

Let’s see if we can avoid those extra calories, and at the same time, make sure that you’re the life of the pre-church party.

1. Be a name-dropper, but be the right name –dropper.

Anybody can talk about Mark Driscoll or Tim Keller. Those guys are in more places than vampire TV shows. So be careful when you whip out an “according to Driscoll…” statement. Much safer to go older. Much, much older. Thomas Aquinas is your friend. So is Tertullian. And when you need to drop the Ace of Spiritual Spades, bring a little Augustine. Go big, or go home.

For example: “I see what you’re saying. But I think Augustine might disagree.” Then just walk away. Don’t look back.

2. Make adjectives out of nouns.

Words can be played with. You can take pretty much any word and make it into a verb or adjective. To do so, especially with a reflective pause mid-sentence, will give the absolute assurance to any listener that you know exactly what you’re talking about.

For example: “I appreciate the missionalizing of the narrative text so much.”

Or, to combine point 1 and point 2: “I find myself becoming more and more (reflective pause here) Tertullianed as time goes on.

3. Claim an exemption to the conversation.

Because we are all divided up into believing camps, a big word describing your personal doctrinal tendencies can allow you to save face and get out of an awkward conversation. You might consider becoming a “premillineal dispensationalist.” Or perhaps you subscribe to “pneumatological ecclesiology.” Great. The longer the better. With a long enough word, you can shut down the conversation.

For example: “I’d love to join in this conversation, but I’m a premillennial dispensationalist. So I think you know what I think.” Bam.

Not so tough, is it? Use the suggestions liberally in order to bolster your spiritual competency (or at least the impression of it).

Have you ever felt out of place in a church conversation?

(For more from Michael check out his blog.

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