Not knowing how to tell someone their favorite book didn’t completely change your life too.
Jul 29th by JonChristians don’t casually recommend books. When we read a book about faith that we like, we say things like:
“This book changed my life.”
“That book spoke to my heart.”
“That book taught me how to be a man.”
We make wildly powerful statements about the wisdom shared between the pages of a book. And that’s great. Passion is a good thing, but it does create a potential problem. What do you do if you read the book too and didn’t have the same experience?
My middle brother is experiencing that right now. Just the other night he called and asked, “How do I let someone know that the book that changed the fabric of their very soul, didn’t change mine?”
That’s a legit question, because when you believe that a book changed your heart, you tend to take it personally when someone else didn’t have the same experience. You’ll get riled up if you loved Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and someone else thought it had
a
lot
of
fractured rhythm
sentences.
Think I’m exaggerating? Today on Twitter, tweet, “The Shack didn’t really do it for me. I don’t see what the big deal is.” And then prepare for the firestorm.
But again, what do you do if you didn’t love the book too?
I have four ideas on how to handle this delicate situation:
1. Talk about politics
Last Friday a friend of mine named Rachel wrote a short guest post about politics on Stuff Christians Like. That one post got 767 comments. Whoa. That’s why I recommend going “OG” when you find yourself in an awkward conversation. And although you probably think I mean “Original Gangster,” because I’m so street, that’s not what I’m talking about. If you ever want to change the topic in a conversation, throw an “Obama Grenade.” Simply say, “Hey, what do you think about Obama.” Kaboom! There is no way they’ll talk about their book when you’ve just ignited that one.
2. Compliment something other than the content
Call this the “Friends” technique. On that show, when the character Joey would perform in a horrible TV show, Ross and Chandler would compliment things other than his performance. Like the lighting, “Wow, look how great that scene was lit.” Same goes here. If you didn’t like the book they loved, say something like, “What kind of paper is this printed on? It’s got a nice thickness. Feels great to the touch.” Or “What’s the font on this, is that a serif?”
3. Fall asleep
My neighbor’s four-year old will make herself fall asleep if she gets in trouble. Right in the middle of a lecture, she will lay down and fall asleep, waking hours later safely out of the conversation. Yeah, this is going to be weird, at first, but if you’re at Starbucks, ball up some napkins into a little pillow and then just start slumbering. Your friend will eventually leave and you get a nap. Win, win.
4. Be honest
Always an option, always an option. Just be honest and say, “This 174 page book by a 32 year old guy with a soul patch taught you how to be a man? Really? Really?” OK, don’t say that exactly. Cause that’s pretty jerky. But just be honest. And ask what they loved about the book. That’s all.
I wrote this list because I’ve been the guy who loved a certain book only to have a friend say, “Really?”
I love books like, “Bird by Bird,” and “The War of Art” but not everyone does.
How about you, what is a book, other than the Bible, that you would say changed your life or really challenged you?
Comments
By the way, apart from the Bible, there's another book which Christians keep pushing on atheists that we don't find impressive at all, and that's "Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis. I've lost count of the number of Christians who recommended it and told me it would completely change my mind. When I read it, I could not believe people were praising it so much. The part where he tries to convince people of the validity of Christianity is just laughably bad. His logic looks like this:
1) There is morality.
2) Certain moral rules seem to be universal among human societies.
3) We Christians believe that our God is universal.
4) Therefore, our God must be real, and must have created these rules.
5) Therefore, Christianity is correct and everything else is wrong.
Like many bad arguments, it starts from valid statements (#1, #2, #3) but uses them as a springboard for a massive non sequitur. And of course, once he presents this argument, he assumes you're convinced, so he spends the rest of the book explaining how you can be a better Christian. It's almost like a parody of the stereotypical dumb guy who's brimming with confidence because he's too slow to realize his words are nowhere near as good as he thinks they are.
By the way, I've always wondered: if Christianity is based on faith, but a Christian needs to convince himself that there are logical or scientific evidence for the existence of God, then does that mean he doesn't have faith? Because faith is the acceptance of something WITHOUT logical or scientific evidence.
I'll try to answer your question, though: For many Christians, pondering and studying God, his character and the way that the supernatural interacts with the natural is as much an act of worship and spiritual discipline as reading the bible, or singing psalms is. Scripture encourages us both to question and try our faith, so that we will be ready in season and out to provide a defense of what we believe, if it is called into question. We believe in a God of order and rationality (I know you find that ironic
) and so, it follows that if you are engaging in a relationship with that God, you should attempt to understand him in a rational, ordered way. I hope that makes sense, at least at a cursory level.
Also, since turnabout is fair play
One question I've always wondered about Athiests is: Christianity and other world religions are generally based on a principle that either Moral Behavior or the Grace of God will atone for sinful decisions made in this lifetime and reconcile them to God, returning them to a state of peace with both the natural and supernatural around them. As a result, most Theists, Christians included, want to share that inner peace and future hope with people around them to the long-term benefit of the recipient in addition to their own personal faith decision, in a general spirit of Utilitarianism. If Atheism is based on a personal decision not to have faith, and entails a disbelief in any kind of divine intervention, afterlife, or supernatural consequence to sin what does an Atheist gain by damaging a believer's faith?
Hello, Ashley. Thanks for your inquiry. A couple of points:
1) "Christianity and other world religions" is a pretty big assumption. In reality, other world religions do NOT necessarily share Christianity's system of "reconciling" people with a supernatural deity. In fact, the Abrahamic religions are somewhat unique among religions in claiming that morality comes through gods.
2) Christians want to spread their religion because they believe people will gain reward in Heaven, and they want to share this reward. It's a noble motivation, but it's based on this gigantic assumption, ie- that their personal faith is objectively correct. If that assumption is false, then the costly changes they want people to make in their Earthly lives are just plain harmful.
So, in answer to your question, the atheist has the exact same spirit of utilitarianism that the Christian has. The difference is that he doesn't believe in an afterlife, so he argues against the Christian faith because he believes that many of the tenets of Christian faith actually damage the quality of life here on Earth.
Hello, Ashley. What you're saying makes sense for a scientifically minded Christian, ie- one who is not a Biblical literalist who believes the Earth was actually created in six days. I've met many such Christians, and I've always found them to be quite reasonable. The people who believe the Bible is inerrant, however, are a different story. Their claims of rationality always ring hollow.
I fell for this when I got a small burn on my hand when I picked up the hot end of a grill grate. A person present (who was BTW growing in the Lord and had some goofy ideas about keeping the Law) handed me a kind of oil/balm and said it would work wonders.
It didn't sooth the burn.
I felt like a failure as a Christian as a result.
Silly me.
Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright
You should skip a few chapters in the middle but I think Chapters 9-10 should be mandatory readying for every christian. It should come with your bible, maybe even in it.
It didn't change my life. It changed the way I see the world. It changed everything.
If it doesn't change yours, you are a sub human.
If it doesn't change your life I'd like you to do the nice Christian thing, lie to me about it.
I enjoyed the honesty in this posting. I think this scenario is very true, many times I have heard fantastic suggestions of books and some fulfill the role, other times it was just a good read. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, God works like that too. He speaks certain things to certain people, and that is okay. We're all different and facing different problems we need to work on, and not all books will speak to all situations.
Oh man, I've been on both sides of this. A few years ago, I read Captivating by Stasi Eldredge, and loved it so much that I convinced my two girlfriends to read it in a small group with me. They both hated it and one of them had to take me aside to gently tell me it wasn't working for them. It was an awkward conversation, but our friendship survived
Then this year, several people I really respect wanted me to read Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. I got about halfway through and just didn't like it. I don't know why. I haven't said anything to my friends because every time it comes up, they talk about how life-changing it was. I can't bring myself to rain on their parade, so I'm hoping that no one ever asks me what I think about it.
Books that changed my life:
1. Wild At Heart – John Eldredge
2. The Bible (yes, I HAVE READ ALL of it, and some of it more than once!)
3. Cloud Dynamics – Robert Houze
4. No More Christian Nice Guy – Paul Coughlin
Books that have not changed my life:
1. The Koran (what are you going to do, kill me?)
2. Any economics textbook (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
3. Any John Piper books (awww…did I make the reformiacs mad?)
4. The Shack (hype)
5. Blue Like Jazz (good, but not life-changing)
6. The Prayer of Jabez (hype)
I know you're not going to like this question, but apart from the fact that it happens to belong to your own religion, what makes the Bible any better than the Koran? Have you read the Koran?
Last I checked, it wasn't born-again Christians who flew a few planes into buildings on a sunny Tuesday late in 2001.
I will not be dragged into some debate with you, not because I am weak in my faith or afraid of you, but I have never been a person that has liked to debate, nor do I think someone has to be a "debater" to be solid in their beliefs.
Oh, and also remember this. I have read ALL the Bible. I most likely know more about Canada than most people here, I know where Montenegro is on the map (both of those sans Wikipedia), I earn quite a lot of money, and I didn't shy down from a fight on ChristianityToday.com with a so-called Christian who was nothing more than a bully (my post was pulled from the website because I called him a coward and abusive).
Maybe you can see Michael, but I am not a very "nice" Christian. I never claimed to be. Maybe I am a "Christian Jerk" that Jon talks about in a previous post.
Hi Michael, sorry for my jerkiness yesterday. Anyways, not sure if you are still there reading. Basically, it is Jesus. Jesus made me not hate blacks. Jesus made me not hate gays. Jesus made me a "nicer" person (not all the time of course). Jesus made me not hog my money and keep it to myself. Why don't I like debates? Cause a lot of it, especially coming from my fellow Christians, is "you are wrong, I am right." I have seen alot of debate on here and elsewhere about whether it is the governments job or the church's job to help the poor. Didn't Jesus say "whatever you DID to the least of these…"? Get out and do something! Jesus' presence in and control of someone's life doesn't make them fly planes into buildings, hate Jews, immigrants, pregnant women, Democrats, or watch Glenn Beck.
Jesus doesn't demand that Christians control government and make people more "moral". Jesus doesn't force people to accept and love him. He gave us free will. Jesus made me a better employee at work. Jesus made me a better person, and helped me mature. Jesus changed me alot. He died for MY sins. He DIDN'T take away my personality or likes/dislikes (as you can read in some of my other posts). I see that I got a few "thumbs down." So what. I am being honest, which is something that is encouraged quite frequently here. Anyways, again my apologies for being a jerk yesterday.
Why do people feel compelled to say such overwrought things as "this book changed my life" anyway? I refuse to say that about ANY book. There are plenty of books which I found very interesting, and which contained very useful insights that I could apply to my life, but that's about the most glowing praise I would ever heap upon a book.
To say "it changed my life" is to severely over-dramatize the situation, and it would also have the effect of making other people uncomfortable if they don't agree. Why say such things at all?
I actually read Imaginary Jesus and that was very touching to me. I'm trying to recommend it to anyone who is looking for some new reading material.
Snort! I did this at the Echo Conference. I met a Twitter friend and we were all talking about books and I called a book she liked "heretical". I felt bad, so I employed your second method listed and cushioned the jerkiness of my comment with telling her I thought it did a stelllar job of explaining a difficult concept. She was very nice about it. Whew.
Clifford the Big Red Dog.
That's the first book I ever read by myself.
life changing, cause now I could read other books.
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.
This book gave me permission to lay claim my innate masculinity in a way a feminized society has repulsed.
yeah…has to be crazy love for me….it was…meh.
'jesus wants to save christians' or 'the dharma bums'
Jon,
Incidentally, I'm reading Bird by Bird right now, and I love it too.
Back in the day The Cross & The Switchblade had a huge impact on me – shame David Wilkerson seems to have become a complete nutter in more recent years.
Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas was incredibly liberating – a bit over prescriptive in places, but the recognition that there is no gold standard, one size fits all 'quiet time' which guarantees the development of intimacy with God set me free from the guit of failure.
Searching for God Knows What – Don Miller; seems to be the nerdy cousin of Blue Like Jazz that no-one talks about but had far more impact for me.
I love Claiborne's Irresistable Revolution & it would change my life if I let it
[...] at Stuff Christians Like, comments on the difficulty of telling people that their favourite book didn’t change your life: We make wildly powerful statements about the wisdom shared between the pages of a book. And [...]
Oh, I hate it when I read a book and it has a big impact on me, because then I have to talk about it with my husband, and it's maybe 50/50 whether he's going to like it or think it's stupid. Sometimes he can't even get into it enough to read it. So then I'm trying to tell him about a book that I liked while disclaiming all the things I think he won't like about it, so he won't think I'm such an idiot for liking it. "Wow, this book is really good. It's making me think about so many things. Chapter 9 made me cry. I kind of don't think you'd like it though. It's not really your thing. You'll get bored. Here, I'll just take my book back now, don't bother." And then if he does finally manage to pry it out of my reluctant hands and read it, I'm nervous every minute that he's going to hate it, and the more I love the book the less I want to let him read it.
But, that said, Blue Like Jazz spoke to me at a hard time in my life and I appreciate it, even though I had to disclaim like crazy before I let my husband read it. For the Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay changed my relationship with my kids (husband hasn't been able to get into it). Luther's Small Catechism got me really thinking through my theology in middle school, especially since I didn't agree with all of it. Escape from Reason by Francis Schaeffer and The Law by Frederic Bastiat rocked my world in high school and college. And then I have my list of classics and fantasy that I re-read over and over that I'm sure has shaped my thinking in many ways:
C. S. Lewis' Space Trilogy, Chronicles of Narnia, Till We Have Faces, Screwtape, Great Divorce
Hobbit and LOTR
Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea Trilogy
The Secret Garden by Burnett — gave me a pretty mystical view of God in my formative years
Everything by Jane Austen
Well, I have to go bite my nails. My husband's reading Perelandra after I told him I thought it helped form my views on marriage, and he's not a big fan of C. S. Lewis.
This happens to me all the time. I think what often puts me off about heavily spiritual books is that they say things like "We don't love the poor, we just love our plasma screen TVs and our big, shiny Lexuses." (Should that be Lexi?") I immediately wonder why the author, who is clearly having some problems with greed and materialism, is suddenly including the entire Christian world into his or her personal problem? Maybe not EVERY Christian is a materialist. Maybe he should write the book saying, "I" or "some of us" instead of "we." But if you say this to the person whose life it changed, it implies that you think they're a materialist while you are not. And all you mean is that the author is casting a pretty wide stereotype net. It's better to just ask what they liked about the book.
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