(I’m doing a chronological read through the Bible plan right now and we’re in Job. So when I got this guest post from John Crist, it felt like perfect timing. Someday I hope to share the stage with this guy. Why? So I can take notes and learn. He’s a hilarious writer, a tremendous guest poster as exhibited last month and a great comedian. Hope you dig the post as much as I did!)
It’s hard to meet girls in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
If New York City is the City That Never Sleeps, Colorado Springs is the city that gets eight hours of sleep on a tempurpedic mattress…and a pillow with extra lumbar support.
So when you do find a girl in church that’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of, you gotta make a good first impression. That’s why I lead with the perfect question:
“What’s your stance on premarital spooning?”
Yep, that was my intro line. That got me a first date.
On our second date, or as Christians like to call it ‘getting engaged’, I went to pick her up at her house. She opened the door and I said confidently, “Baby, Let’s go to Jared’s.” she freaked out and started calling all her friends in the familiar “He. Went. To. Jared’s!” tone.
Not gonna lie, she was pretty upset when we pulled into subway.
She dumped me after I told her my five-year plan was to Eat Fresh.
I found myself sitting on the curb outside of Subway, single, lonely and heartbroken. And you know what I did next? I made an even bigger mistake. A mistake that undoubtedly ever Christian has made.
I started to compare my situation to Job.
Let’s get one thing clear. Job lost all his family, his house, his livestock, his wealth and his own health. My girlfriend of two weeks dumped me. Those are not comparable situations.
Job is one of the saints of our faith. He sits right next to Jesus when the secretary brings in the prayer requests everyday. (The secretary is probably Esther, we all know she’s confrontational and she demands to be called an administrative assistant, not a secretary). I digress. When Jesus shows Job these types of prayer requests, he probably just laughs.
Also, as Christians, let’s remember…we’re gonna meet this guy Job one day. Are you gonna introduce yourself and say, “Hey, your story really encouraged me when I picked up some coffee, drove ALL THE WAY HOME and realized it was a single pump, not double. I was crushed, I read your story and felt better.” I hope not.
For me, the breakup has been hard. Sometimes I feel like there’s only one set of footprints in the sand.
But I think some good can come of it. Please help me and call out your Christian brothers and sisters when you hear any variation of the following sentences:
“My flight was delayed for 20 MINUTES!!! I totally understand what Job was going through.”
“They could only give me store credit and not a refund, I instantly thought of Job.”
“After I got a flat tire last week and had to wait for AAA for 30 minutes, I read the book of Job with a new sense of understanding now.”
As for me and the girl, you ask? We eventually worked through it. I just sent her grandparents a save the date…to when the new meatball sub comes out.
They’re Italian. I figured they’d like to know.
(John Crist is a standup comedian. Visit his YouTube page.)