(Today is Guest Post Friday. Here’s one from Kristin Weber, a comedian from Dallas. You can check out her website here or follow her on Twitter. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Giving Christian Singles Awkward Advice
I’m single, in my late twenties, and live in the Bible Belt. Needless to say, I get some pretty spectacular advice both about being single and how to become unsingle. At this point, I almost want to stay single so I can keep getting new story material.
Here are my top five favorite bits of awkward advice I’ve received from kind, well-meaning church folk about my current “condition”:
1. “Let your heart marinate in the Word. That’s how God prepares you for marriage.”
Marriage sounds like a barbeque. Awesome.
2. “If you want to get married, you need to hang a pair of men’s pants at the end of your bed, and then pray to God every night to fill those pants with the perfect man.”
The lady who told me this was so excited about me possibly meeting my spouse this way that she gave me her information and told me to contact her when it worked. “I’ll e-mail you when there’s a man in my pants,” I said, realizing too late that this response had sounded different in my head. She promptly judged me and walked away.
3. “Make a list of non-negotiable attributes you want in your husband.”
This is actually fairly common advice, but I’ve always found it strange. What am I going to do with this list? Take it to Man Mart and special order myself a stud? (If it did work this way, Tim Tebow clones would be on major backorder.) Anyhow, making a list is a lot of work when I can pay $39.99 and have EHarmony tell me what kind of guy I’m attracted to.
Really, the only thing on the non-negotiable list should be that he loves and pursues Christ first in his life. However, if you want to make a preference list, go right ahead. I’d prefer that my husband be taller than me, have a pleasing nose-to-face ratio, and have avoided violating parole. (I believe in second chances, not third.) If he happens to own a mansion on the beach and look a little like Robert Downey, Jr., well, who am I to argue with God’s will for my life?
4. “While you’re waiting for the right guy, date Jesus.”
Jesus is Lord of my life, not my dinner date. (Although, yes, I know He’s always with me, even while I’m on a dinner date.) I understand the sentiment, but the last time I went to a restaurant alone while “dating Jesus” I told the waitress my date was going to take care of the bill and left. I’m no longer allowed back at that restaurant.
5. “It’s okay to be sad during this season.”
Thank you. I am sad. Sad that we need so many blogs, discussions, conferences, books, and sermons on how to be single and how to act, look, and change in order to get “picked” by someone. I am happy, though, that we can poke fun at ourselves during all life’s seasons.
I actually have to go now. I’m hanging out at my friend’s house this afternoon. She’s married with five kids under the age of 8, and she’s invited me over for Celibacy Appreciation Day.
What awkward advice (not just about singleness) have you been given?