The 5 best ways to survive, “Christmas Shoes.”

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If you’re not familiar with the song, “Christmas Shoes,” then enjoy this ornament we have on our tree, give a short thank you prayer to our Lord and Savior and skip this post all together. That’s a pretty charmed life you’re living friend. Savor it.

If though, you have experienced the melodic tale of the boy who wants to buy shoes for his dying mother because he wants her to look nice when she meets Jesus, I have some good news for you.

Here are the 5 best ways to survive, “Christmas Shoes.”

1. If it comes on the radio while you are driving in a car, don’t forget to tuck your shoulder when you open the door to roll out into the street. If you can, try to time your roll when the car is going slowly and let your back take the brunt of the landing. If you’re driving, this is still valid advice. Your car might ghost ride for a little while, but you can always buy a new one. You can’t always unhear this song.

2. Don’t try to negotiate with it. Much like fear, the Christmas Shoes song cannot be beat with logic or rational thinking. Don’t waste time with questions like, “Where is this kid’s dad? Does he have a dad? Why shoes? Why not a Christmas dress? Why not a delicious bowl of queso? Has an 8 year old ever successfully purchased a women’s shoe in the history of mankind?”

3. Forget trying to make it an “acquired taste.” This song isn’t like algebra, it doesn’t get better once you get used to it. Don’t think that listening to it on repeat will solve your problems.

4. Keep it out of any Christmas playlist. I know what you’re thinking, “Jon, I’ll just hide it in the middle of a 100 song playlist. No one at the party will notice.” They will and so will you when you notice people are leaving your party.

5. Stop being friends with people who say it’s not a bad song. They’re wrong. Those people have terrible judgment and probably prefer unfrosted pop tarts as well. Stop doing life with them.

We’ll get through this friend, I know we will, but it’s going to take a village.

What is your best tip to survive Christmas Shoes?

 

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Comments

  1. Daddysgirl says

    Wow this is weird! Because Christmas shoes is sweet that lil boy loves his mother and wants to make her smile and make her beautiful :)

    • says

      Are you bloody nuts? This crapfest song deserves to be ripped! And The ALMIGHTY would send a Zapbolt on whoever wrote this depressing song!! See the Patton Oswalt video on YouTube skewering the song.

  2. Nancy says

    When pressed to listen in the future I will remember the suggestions. Previously, I have chosen to pray through it. I found it was the best way I could keep the spirit of the season and not bring all the negative waves this song invokes.

    I mean, so many things wrong with the song. (In my opinion.)

  3. nikki says

    A friend told me the other day, the way she gets through listening to The Song That Shall Not Be Named, is she “reminds” herself that the boy is a con artist who took the shoes and sold them for twice the price outside the store.

    • Glenna says

      “Christmas Shoes”/”Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”?, “Christmas Shoes”/”Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”?……………….Or “The Dogs Barking Jingle Bells”. So many to choose.

  4. Kim says

    I feel like I’ve entered an alternate dimension. Or maybe I’ve been living under a rock, but I, and everyone else I’ve known, have always liked the song and look forward to hearing it every year. It wasn’t until recently that I encountered people who didn’t like it. It’s kind of shocking to suddenly find so many haters. I don’t understand…

  5. Tom Vanderbilt says

    I had never heard this song until now. Why… oh WHY… didn’t I heed Jon’s warning in the first paragraph.

  6. Bigg3469 says

    If the (ugh) Christmas Shoes ever come on the radio at the place or shop where your at, have your iPod or MP3 player loaded with either these five Christmas tunes
    (1) You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch by Jim Carrey from the OST of How The Grinch Stole Christmas
    (2) it’s Christmas in Ground Zero by Weird Al Yankovic
    (3) Hooray for Santa Claus by The Sloppy Seconds
    (4) The Christmas Tree by David Rose
    &
    (5) Christmas in Kilarney [The Irish Rovers version)

  7. Wosight says

    I’ve always felt the real story of the Christmas Shoes is this…Mom is actually waiting in the family station wagon outside. After the kid bilks the dude into paying for the shoes, he runs out, gets in the car, and he and Mom head the the next store….rinse, repeat….and then sell all the shoes, or simply pocket the cash off the refunds on Dec 26….either way, this family needs to be exposed as the frauds they are!

  8. Tim says

    Great post. I’m a late comer to the post, but what a great jab at one of the most contrived songs of all time. And people who are upset with this post- it’s called humor, sarcasm; and I’ve lost several people in my life, one of them was one of my closest friends and a young mother to boot, so I can play that card too. The song Christmas Shoes (and here I go serious) does nothing to honor a tragic loss, it does nothing to increase awareness; it is pure and simple a self-seeking contrivance. From the moment it starts culminating in having kids singing, this song is about calling attention to itself. So I can mock the song and watch and laugh at others mocking it with a clear and happy conscience. Apologies for bad spelling- typed on a mobile.

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