A few days ago, my kids got into a fight because one of them wouldn’t stop loudly singing “Last Christmas” by Wham.
Why did they fight? Because Acuffs.
But they are not alone in the reality of a good old fashioned Christmas argument. Turns out that putting up a Christmas tree is the holiday equivalent of hanging wallpaper with your spouse. (Few things make marriage as difficult as wallpaper.)
How do you enjoy this festive argument? Here are a few pointers.
1. If possible, get a real tree.
Nothing creates a good fight like adding a large, slowly dying part of the forest to your living room. First of all you have to decide which one. Then there are the needles, the freaking needles. Christmas tree needles are nature’s glitter. You will be cleaning needles up until July.
2. Put the tree in a difficult to reach room.
Aim for a room that requires many, many complicated maneuvers through narrows halls. Nothing will fire up a spouse like a great wall scrape when you carry in the tree. (Bonus points is you leave a trail of sap on the wall.)
3. Yell out instructions. Like Ross.
If your spouse isn’t carrying the tree correctly, yell the instructions louder. Like Ross in that episode of Friends when they were carrying the couch. (Pivot!) Screaming at your spouse is like “verbal mistletoe.” It really makes them want to make out with you. Trust me on this one.
4. Get a tree stand much smaller or larger than the actual tree.
You know who invented the tree stand? Satan. That’s who. I hate that guy so much.
5. Store all your lights in a squirrel nest tangle.
The minute Christmas is over, tie the strands of lights into knots even a sailor couldn’t figure out. That will make for an awesome fight next year.
Those are my 5 tips. They will undoubtedly lead to a real fight, not one of those fake Christian fights where the sun doesn’t go down on your anger. It will go down and so will you, on the couch.
p.s. Have you ever argued with your spouse during Christmas?