5 ways to fight with your spouse while putting up a Christmas tree.

Ross

A few days ago, my kids got into a fight because one of them wouldn’t stop loudly singing “Last Christmas” by Wham.

Why did they fight? Because Acuffs.

But they are not alone in the reality of a good old fashioned Christmas argument. Turns out that putting up a Christmas tree is the holiday equivalent of hanging wallpaper with your spouse. (Few things make marriage as difficult as wallpaper.)

How do you enjoy this festive argument? Here are a few pointers.

1. If possible, get a real tree.
Nothing creates a good fight like adding a large, slowly dying part of the forest to your living room. First of all you have to decide which one. Then there are the needles, the freaking needles. Christmas tree needles are nature’s glitter. You will be cleaning needles up until July.

2. Put the tree in a difficult to reach room.
Aim for a room that requires many, many complicated maneuvers through narrows halls. Nothing will fire up a spouse like a great wall scrape when you carry in the tree. (Bonus points is you leave a trail of sap on the wall.)

3. Yell out instructions. Like Ross.
If your spouse isn’t carrying the tree correctly, yell the instructions louder. Like Ross in that episode of Friends when they were carrying the couch. (Pivot!) Screaming at your spouse is like “verbal mistletoe.” It really makes them want to make out with you. Trust me on this one.

4. Get a tree stand much smaller or larger than the actual tree.
You know who invented the tree stand? Satan. That’s who. I hate that guy so much.

5. Store all your lights in a squirrel nest tangle.
The minute Christmas is over, tie the strands of lights into knots even a sailor couldn’t figure out. That will make for an awesome fight next year.

Those are my 5 tips. They will undoubtedly lead to a real fight, not one of those fake Christian fights where the sun doesn’t go down on your anger. It will go down and so will you, on the couch.

Happy Holidays!

Jon

p.s. Have you ever argued with your spouse during Christmas?

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Comments

  1. crystal says

    Once you have secured the Christmas tree a 2nd time (because it always falls down the first time), make sure you swirl the lights around he tree, making it look like a giant soft-serve ice cream. And when your spouse begins to “fix” it, pick a fight instantly, pout, and be mean to the rest of the family. Then the entire family will join into the great Christmas fight. (and yes, 15 years and running–the fight lives on in the hearts of those who participate).

  2. says

    Fake trees aren’t that much of an improvement. I spent an hour “fluffing” mine. Because I don’t want it to look like I fished it out of a dumpster. And that thing is prickly! I wore garden gloves to protect my hands.

    Granted, it’s a cheap tree. But that’s because if I wanted a nice, pretty fake tree, I’d have to spend hundreds of dollars. Which I don’t have. And it would probably be “pre-lit”, which I hate, because I have strong opinions on how trees should be lit. (Next year I want to get a real tree. Here’s hoping!)

  3. says

    My husband took fishing line to hold the tree in place after many misguided attempts with the metal screw thingys…then he wrapped the fishing line around giant nails which he then proceeded to hammer into the hardwood floors while shouting, “Is it straight enough for you now?” :)

    We laugh about it now, though we are no longer married, and he still hates the holidays.

  4. says

    I could tell you a tale of Christmas tree hilarity that brought us to the brink of divorce, involved peach schnapps and ended with two new puppies.

  5. says

    We actually OWN a tree stand called “The Marriage Builder.” Given to us by my Aunt and Uncle for our first Christmas tree.

    The theory on “The Marriage Builder” is that if you can put a tree up in it, your marriage is going to make it. So far we’ve all made it, although it’s permissible to screw the stand into the floor if needed.

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