My only problem with the KJV.

This is a weird bumper sticker to me.

photo-81

Maybe you’ve seen one like it before. You’re stuck in traffic, look up for a split second from you iPhone and this question dances across your field of vision.

You forget that the origin of this is decades old. We have dairy cows to blame for all the variations of “Got ____,” for it was they who first asked if we “Got milk?” Some of us did. Real milk, not that pale white water skim either. The kind of milk an Oreo could float on. A real Oreo too, not a fruit punch or watermelon version. I feel we are flying too close to the sun on cream wings right now with all the iterations of Oreo we’re cranking out.

But milk started the “Got revolution” and years later it rages on in highways and byways across the nation.

It’s not the only confusing bumper sticker though, if you were from another country, “Salt Life” might seem perplexing at first.

Are people that excited about salt in the US?

Is there a shortage?

Are we returning to the days of old where entire countries went to war over salt supplies?

Are the pepper people not properly represented in sticker fashion? Why is there no “Pepper Life” merchandise?

Are the salt people and the pepper people the Biggie and Tupac of condiments?

You’d have a bevy of questions having first been exposed to “Salt Life” and probably prone to steal that white flaky gold from the table of the first restaurant you ate at in America, amazed at the brazenness of the establishment to leave it unguarded. (Free tip, do not use the salt shakers in any Mexican restaurant in a 5 mile radius of Alpharetta, GA. Pretty sure when we lived there, my 2 year old licked the tops of every one.)

If Salt Life is puzzling, then “Got KJV” is downright maddening. I mean, on some level I get it. It’s important. People are fans of different things and want to show their allegiance to the things they care about. This sticker might even be meant playfully, but it draws a sharp line between us. It divides us at a time we need to be united. It makes two distinct camps:

1. People who got Kevin James Videos

2. People who don’t got Kevin James Videos

To be honest with you, I’m not even sure there’s Biblical evidence that one side is right or wrong. Show me a verse that says we must “Got Kevin James Videos?” And don’t get me started on the traditionalists who only got Kevin James Videos from his run on the hit show “The King of Queens.” Those purists refuse to even acknowledge his film career. Dare they say “Got NKJV?” Of course not. New Kevin James Videos “don’t count.” Do they enjoy “The Zookeeper” or “Here Comes the Boom?” They do not.

That’s my only problem with the KJV, when it’s used to cause a rift, not a conversation.

I think there’s room for both groups of people, those who got Kevin James Videos and those who do not got.

I see a world where Adam Sandler fans and Kevin James fans and Kevin Hart fans and Rob Schneider fans can get coffee together.

Is my dream crazy? Perhaps, but safe dreams never changed the world. And crazy dreams is all I got.

 

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Comments

  1. Lawson says

    Hey… if Kevin James Videos were good enough for Jesus, they’re good enough for… Wait. What are we talking about here?

  2. Bradley says

    I’m more of an ESV guy myself—Elizabeth Shue Videos. I’m talking about Karate Kid and Adventures in Babysitting. Not that CSI garbage.

  3. adam says

    I always have to do a dole take on the “Salt Life” stickers, the typeface is so barely legible that I always think it says “Slut Life”….

  4. Ben says

    My only problem with the KJV is when it causes a rift too. ESPECIALLY since it is not NEARLY as accurate as many other translations. And because King James was a horrible person…

    But that’s just me.

  5. Chris Faulkner says

    You are all old school! I have the ESDVD, because the NIDVD had too many bloopers. You Kevin James people who are still watching on videos probably also use iMacs and tell the time with a watch and not your phone.

  6. Robert says

    Even the apostle Paul liked Kevin James videos… They are after all the only authorized videos, approved for use in God’s discos. .

    • Steve says

      That wasn’t the apostle Paul, that was Paul Simon. When Simon Peter was given the name Peter, he left the Simon. Another disciple, Paul (not the apostle), took the unclaimed “Simon” left by Peter, and thus because Paul Simon… according to Josephus, I think.

  7. says

    Um….at the risk of causing a schism here in the SCL comments section, I think KJV clearly refers to something entirely different namely:

    K-lingons,
    J-em’Hadar
    V-ulcans

  8. lacie says

    I heart kjv!! hes one of mt top faves but not nkjv, im goin with that one standup special where he wore all black and made fun of women buying cards.

  9. Robert Faulkner says

    I really wonder what it is, deep down inside folks, who read a post like this, which is jabbingly full of humor, and think… oh man, I’m so going to make a serious religious comment here because I just can’t resist letting everyone know, even if they don’t want to, my personal theoretical philosophy!… That’ll save ‘em for sure!

  10. Traci says

    I will forever think “Kevin James Videos” when I see KJV! Love it. Even though I prefer to see Nathan Lane Tapdancing…

  11. Martha says

    I had never heard of “salt life” until I read this post yesterday. I had to Google it, and it wasn’t what I was expecting. Then last night I saw a “milk life” commercial. Nothing witty to add, just found that a strange coincidence.

  12. says

    This sticker kind of reminds me of those stick figures people put in their rear windows. It started off as a cute thing, and then it started to seem obnoxious, as if people are using their rear windows to brag about what a thriving family they have. Now people even put their pets in there.

    • Dan from Georgia says

      I wanted to put up a male and female gorilla, along with a few little ape-lets. Can’t find them, though.

  13. says

    My personal favorite KJV bumper sticker encounter.

    “If it ain’t King James, it ain’t the Bible!”

    True story. Florida, not Georgia though.

  14. says

    I haven’t found ONE good excuse for having a bumper sticker. Not one.

    Your kids an honor student? Who cares.

    You ran a HALF marathon? Remind me to throw you a half party.

    You love your dog? So do I, grilled with some ketchup.

    I long for the day bumper stickers become an extinct species.

    • Zach says

      What about covering up scratches or nicks, Isn’t that a good excuse? Like the one that reads “Hit me…..I need the insurance money!” LOL

  15. Dan from Georgia says

    Being a guitar player, I want a shirt (no bumper stickers plz) that says “Fret Life”…

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