My only problem with the KJV.

This is a weird bumper sticker to me.


Maybe you’ve seen one like it before. You’re stuck in traffic, look up for a split second from you iPhone and this question dances across your field of vision.

You forget that the origin of this is decades old. We have dairy cows to blame for all the variations of “Got ____,” for it was they who first asked if we “Got milk?” Some of us did. Real milk, not that pale white water skim either. The kind of milk an Oreo could float on. A real Oreo too, not a fruit punch or watermelon version. I feel we are flying too close to the sun on cream wings right now with all the iterations of Oreo we’re cranking out.

But milk started the “Got revolution” and years later it rages on in highways and byways across the nation.

It’s not the only confusing bumper sticker though, if you were from another country, “Salt Life” might seem perplexing at first.

Are people that excited about salt in the US?

Is there a shortage?

Are we returning to the days of old where entire countries went to war over salt supplies?

Are the pepper people not properly represented in sticker fashion? Why is there no “Pepper Life” merchandise?

Are the salt people and the pepper people the Biggie and Tupac of condiments?

You’d have a bevy of questions having first been exposed to “Salt Life” and probably prone to steal that white flaky gold from the table of the first restaurant you ate at in America, amazed at the brazenness of the establishment to leave it unguarded. (Free tip, do not use the salt shakers in any Mexican restaurant in a 5 mile radius of Alpharetta, GA. Pretty sure when we lived there, my 2 year old licked the tops of every one.)

If Salt Life is puzzling, then “Got KJV” is downright maddening. I mean, on some level I get it. It’s important. People are fans of different things and want to show their allegiance to the things they care about. This sticker might even be meant playfully, but it draws a sharp line between us. It divides us at a time we need to be united. It makes two distinct camps:

1. People who got Kevin James Videos

2. People who don’t got Kevin James Videos

To be honest with you, I’m not even sure there’s Biblical evidence that one side is right or wrong. Show me a verse that says we must “Got Kevin James Videos?” And don’t get me started on the traditionalists who only got Kevin James Videos from his run on the hit show “The King of Queens.” Those purists refuse to even acknowledge his film career. Dare they say “Got NKJV?” Of course not. New Kevin James Videos “don’t count.” Do they enjoy “The Zookeeper” or “Here Comes the Boom?” They do not.

That’s my only problem with the KJV, when it’s used to cause a rift, not a conversation.

I think there’s room for both groups of people, those who got Kevin James Videos and those who do not got.

I see a world where Adam Sandler fans and Kevin James fans and Kevin Hart fans and Rob Schneider fans can get coffee together.

Is my dream crazy? Perhaps, but safe dreams never changed the world. And crazy dreams is all I got.


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